Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish Written by Sam Simon and John Swartzwel

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Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish Written by Sam Simon and John Swartzwelder Directed by Wesley Archer =============================================================================== > Didja notice... =============================================================================== ... Homer arrived at work at 3:00pm? Logic: Homer arrived at work late, complained about the plain donuts, then heard Mr. Burns' announcement about the inspection people coming. The clock on the wall behind Mr. Burns reads 3:05pm. =============================================================================== > Movie References =============================================================================== + Citizen Kane - Mr. Burns giving a speech with a huge poster of himself in the background. {mg, sv} - `Is your boss governor yet?' `No, not yet, son.' {sv} - YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME! I'M CHARLES MONTGOMERY BURNS! {mg,sv} - Mr. Burns overturning furniture. + Michael Dukakis' 1988 presidential campaign - Burns riding in a tank. {hk} It's a Wonderful Life - Mary Bailey is the name of Donna Reed's character. =============================================================================== > Other stuff =============================================================================== [Robert Robinson] Names for the common man used by Burns: Joe Sixpack [mentioned by journalists and pundits] Joe Meatball Johnny Lunchpail Sally Housecoat Eddie Punchclock =============================================================================== > Quotes =============================================================================== Reporter: Ah. So, kids, caught anything? Lisa: Not yet, sir. Reporter: Uh huh. Uh, what are you using for bait? Lisa: My brother's using worms, but I who feel the tranquility outweights the actual catching of fish, am using nothing. Reporter: I see. And what's your name, son? Bart: I'm Bart Simpson. Who the hell are you? Reporter: Heh heh. I'm Dave Shutton, I'm an investigative reporter who's on the road a lot and, uh, I must say that in my day, we didn't talk that way to our elders. Bart: Well, this is my day, and we do, sir. [catches something on the line, with appropriate `Hulp!' noises] All right! We eat tonight! -- ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish'' Mutation Caught At Ol' Fishin' Hole * Is Power Plant Responsible? ------------------------------------------------ Boy Was Using Five Pound Test And Ordinary Worms ------------------------------------------------ Sister Was Just There For The Tranquility ------------------------------------------------ -- The Springfield Shopper headlines, ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish'' Fishin' Hole Or Fission Hole? * Burns Denies Responsibility In Fish Flap ------------------------------------------ Count The Eyes, Mr. Burns! ------------------------------------------ -- The Springfield Shopper headlines, ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish'' Marge: Well, leave it to good ol' Mary Bailey to step in and do something about that hideous genetic mutation. Homer: [snort] Mary Bailey. Well, if I was governor, I'd sure find better things to do with my time. Marge: Like what? Homer: Like getting Washington's Birthday and Lincoln's Birthday back as separate paid holidays. `President's Day' [blows a raspberry] What a ripoff! I bust my butt day in and day out... Marge: You're late for work, Homer. Homer: So? Someone'll punch in for me. Lisa: Try not to spill anything, Dad. Bart: Keep those mutants comin', Homer! Homer: [sotto voce] I'll mutant you... -- ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish'' Okay, men. Geiger counters on. [Geiger counters go crazy] -- The nuclear power plant inspection, ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish'' Gum used to seal crack in cooling tower. -- The nuclear power plant inspection, ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish'' Plutonium rod used as paperweight. -- The nuclear power plant inspection, ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish'' Homer: [wakes with a start] Aa! [twiddling levers wildly] Uh, just resting my eyes! Burns: Ah, well-done. A rested employee is a vigilant employee. -- The nuclear power plant inspection, ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish'' Inspector: Mr. Burns, in twenty years, I have never seen such a shoddy, deplorable... Burns: Oh, look! Some ... careless person has left thousands and thousands of dollars lying here on my ... coffee table. Uh, Smithers, why don't we leave the room, and hopefully, when we return, the pile of money will be gone. [leaves, waits, then returns] Ooh. Look Smithers, the money and a very stupid man are still here. Inspector: Burns, if I didn't know better, I'd think you were trying to bribe me. Burns: Is there some confusion about this? [thrusting the money into the inspector's pockets] Take it! Take it! Take it, you poor schmo! -- The nuclear power plant fails inspection, ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish'' Smithers: [computing how much it'll cost to fix the plant] Fifty-six million dollars. Burns: Fifty-six million! Smithers: [cowering] Don't hit me, sir. -- The nuclear power plant fails inspection, ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish'' Burns: Running for public office is too expensive for an honest man. Homer: Well, could afford it. -- ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish'' % An election!? Ah no, isn't that one of those deals where they close the bars? -- Barney, ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish'' Marge: I wonder if he's going to say anything about that horrible fish. Homer: Oh, Marge. What's the big deal? I bet before the papers blew this out of proportion, you didn't even know how many eyes a fish had. -- Watching Burns' campaign advertisement, ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish'' % Advisor: ... and smile, sir! Burns: [view from back of head] I smiling! Advisor: You're going to have to do better than that. Burns: [grunt, grunt] Advisor: There you go! Burns [front view, showing very slight grimace] Oh, I'm going to be sore tomorrow! -- Preparing for his campaign advertisement, ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish'' Homer: I hope Burns and I can count on your support, honey. Marge: Homer, I'm a Bailey Booster. Homer: Oh yea? Well, a Burns Booster. [pins on a Burns campaign button] Ow! -- Watching Burns' campaign advertisement, ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish'' Marge's sign: An Independent Voter for Bailey Lisa's T-shirt: I wish I were old enough to vote for Bailey. Bart's T-shirt: My dad told me to vote for Burns. Homer's sign: I'm a fool for Burns. -- The family takes sides in the gubernatorial campaign, ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish'' Advisor: Congratulations, Mr. Burns, the latest polls show you are up six points. Burns: Ah, giving me a total of... Advisor: Six. -- Burns runs for governor, ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish'' Mary Bailey: My worthy opponent thinks that the voters of this state are gullible fools. I, however, prefer to rely on their intelligence and good judgement. Reporter: Interesting strategy. -- The gubernatorial campaign, ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish'' Bart: Is your boss governor yet? Homer: Not yet, son, not yet. -- ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish'' Advisor: The voters now see you as imperial and god-like. Burns: Hot dog! Advisor: But there's a down-side to it. The latest polls say you're in danger of losing touch with the common man. Burns: Oh, dear! Heaven forfend! -- Burns runs for governor, ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish'' Homer: Oh, by the way, Mr. Burns is eating dinner over here tomorrow night. Marge: No, he's not. I'm ringing doorbells for Mary Bailey that night. Homer: Kids, leave the room. I don't want you to see this. Bart: Uh-oh. [Bart, Lisa, and Maggie zip away] Homer: [on his knees] Oh, please please please please please please... -- The power of persuasion, ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish'' Advisor: Little girl, do you think you can memorize this by dinnertime tomorrow? Lisa: `Mr. Burns: your campaign seems to have the momentum of a runaway freight train. Why are you so popular?' Advisor: Very good. Lisa: Mm. Well, as long as I'm asking something, can I ask him to assuage my fears that he's contaminating the planet in a manner that may one day render it uninhabitable? Advisor: No, dear. The card question'll be fine. Marge: Well, I think the non-card question is a valid... Homer: Marge! ... Don't worry. My daughter's very bright, and I'm sure she'll be able to memorize your question by dinnertime tomorrow. -- Preparing for Burns' visit as part a campaign publicity stunt, ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish'' Bart: Dear God: We paid for all this stuff ourselves, so thanks for nothing. Media: Gasp! -- Saying grace, ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish'' YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME! I'M CHARLES MONTGOMERY BURNS! -- ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish'' Burns: This anonymous clan of slack-jawed troglodytes has cost me the election, and yet if I were to have them killed, I would be the one to go to jail. That's democracy for you. Smithers: You are noble and poetic in defeat, sir. -- ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish'' Homer: Oh. My dreams will go unfulfilled? I don't like the sound of that one bit. That means I have nothing to hope for. Marge, make it better please, can't you make it better, huh? Marge: Homer, when a man's biggest dreams include seconds on desert, occasional snuggling and sleeping in til noon on weekends, no one man can destroy them. Homer: Hey, you did it! [big smooch] [snuggling occurs and credits go up] -- ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish'' =============================================================================== Episode summaries Copyright 1991 by Raymond Chen. Not to be redistributed in a public forum without permission. (The quotes themselves, of course, remain the property of The Simpsons, and the reproduced articles remain the property of the original authors. I'm just taking credit for the compilation.)

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