The Pythonic Verses (or completely different quotes!)
Monty Python's Guide to Life
"Well, It'd certainly make chartered accountancy a much more
Government spokesperson, on a proposal to tax sex.
"He was such a pretty baby, always so kind and
gentle...really considerate to his mother. Not at all the
kind of person you'd expect to pulverize their opponent into
a bloody mass of flesh and raw bone, spitting teeth and
fragments of gum into a ring which had become one man's hell
and Ken's glory."
Mrs. Nellie Air-Vent, mother of boxer Ken Clean-Air
"This is largely as I predicted, except that the Silly Party
won. I think this is mainly due to the number of votes
Norman, TV Commentator
"Our experts describe you as an appallingly dull fellow,
unimaginative, timid, lacking in initiative, spineless,
easily dominated, no sense of humor, tedious company, and
irrepressibly drab and awful, and whereas in most
professions, these would be considerable drawbacks, in
chartered accountancy, they're a positive boon!"
Vocational guidance counselor
"What a lot of people don't realize is that a mouse, once
accepted, can fulfill a useful role in society. Indeed,
there are examples throughout history of famous men known to
have been mice."
Linkman, "The World Around Us"
The whole problem with these senile delinquents lies in
their complete rejection of the values of contemporary
society. They've seen their children grow up to become
accountants, stockbrokers, and sociologists, and they begin
to wonder-is it really AAAGGHH..."
Sociologist as he falls through a manhole
"I'm mainly in comedy. I'd like to be in program planning,
but unfortunately, I've got a degree."
"I believe in peace and bashing two bricks together."
If we increase the size of the penguin until it is the same
height as the man, and then compare the relative brain
sizes, we now find that the penguin's brain is still
smaller. But--and this is the point--it is larger than it
Prof. Ken Rosewall
"I use a body rub called halitosis. It makes my breath seem
British Naval Encounters
"They was too clever for the German fleet."
Prof. R.J. Gumby, on why he thinks the battle of
Trafalgar was fought near Yorkshire.
"There is no cannibalism in the British navy, absolutely
none, and when I say none, I mean there is a certain amount.
Sir John Cunningham
"A bull is heavy, violent, abusive, and aggressive, with
four legs and great sharp teeth--whereas a bullfighter is
only a small greasy Spaniard."
Narrator of "Probe"
Business Practices (sound)
"If that idea of yours isn't worth a pound, I'd like to know
what it is! The only trouble is, you gave me the idea
before I'd given you the pound, and that's not good
"The dromedary has one hump, and a camel has a refreshment
car, buffet, and ticket collector."
A Camel/Train Spotter
"Why is it the world never remembers the name of Johann
Gambolputty de von
ankerkalbsfleischmittleraucher Von Hauptkopt of Ulm?"
"I think cement is more interesting than people think."
Prof. Enid Gumby
"Your Life or your lupines!"
"We have a lot of trouble with these oldies. Pension day's
the worst--they go mad! As soon as they get their hands on
their money, they blow it all on milk, bread, tea, a tin of
meat for the cat..."
"They should attack the lower classes, first with bombs and
rockets to destroy their homes, and then when they run
helpless into the street, mow them down with machine guns.
And then, of course, release the vultures. I know these
views aren't popular, but I have never thought of
"Using this diagram of a tooth to represent any small
country, we can see how international communism works, by
eroding away from the inside. When one country or tooth
falls victim to international communism, the others soon
follow. In dentistry, this is known as the Domino Theory."
"If only the general public would take more care when buying
sweeties, it would reduce the number of man-hours lost to
the nation, and they would spend less time having their
stomachs pumped and sitting around in public lavatories."
Police Supt. Parrot
"I know some hospitals where you get the patients lying
around in bed, sleeping, resting, recuperating,
convalescing. Well, that's not the way we do things around
here! If you fracture your tibia here, you keep quiet about
Sgt. Doctor, Sgt. Pooves
"If there were fewer robbers, there wouldn't be so many of
"It's easy for us to judge Dinsdale Piranha too harshly.
After all, he only did what most of us simply dream of
doing. A murderer is only an extroverted suicide."
"When people place a nice choc-y in their mouth, they don't
want their cheeks pierced."
"One day you'll realize there's more to life than culture!
There's dirt, and smoke, and good honest sweat!"
Ken to his playwright/father
"There is nothing more dangerous than a wounded mosquito."
"Your cat is suffering from what we vets haven't found a
word for yet."
"There is nothing wrong with you that an expensive operation
Surgeon to Mr. Notlob
"Exploding is a perfectly normal medical phenomenon. In
many fields of medicine nowadays, a dose of dynamite can do
a world of good."
"You blow there, and move your fingers up and down here."
Alan, on how to play the flute
Heroes (identification of)
"Is it a stockbroker?" "Is it a quantity surveyor?" "Is it
a church warden?" "No, it's Bicycle Repair Man!"
"Now here is a reminder about leaving your radio on during
the night: leave your radio on during the night."
"Contrary to what most people think, the goldfish has a
ravenous appetite...So, once a week, give your goldfish a
really good meal. Here's one specially recommended by the
Board of Irresponsible People. First, some cold consomme or
gazpacho, then some sausages, greens, potatoes, bread,
Chairman, Board of Irresponsible People
"I don't want you to think of the Wood Party as a lot of
middle-aged men who like hanging around on ropes."
Rt. Hon. Lambert Warbeck
"When you're walking home tonight and some homicidal maniac
comes after you with a bunch of loganberries, don't come
crying to me."
"We can guarantee you that not a single armored division
will get done over for, say, fifteen bob a week."
Vercotti Bros. to the Colonel
"Would Albert Einstein ever have hit on the theory of
relativity if he hadn't of been clever?"
Host, "Frontiers of Medicine"
"We interrupt this program to annoy you and generally
Adrian Voiceover, BBC Announcer
"I would bring back hanging, and go into rope."
"It's funny, isn't it, how I can go through life, as I have,
disliking bananas and being indifferent to cheese, but still
be able to eat and enjoy a banana and cheese sandwich like
"That's the trouble with living halfway up a cliff--you feel
so cut off..."
Frank, a Hermit
"Funny, isn't it, how naughty dentists always make that one
Arthur Lemming, British Dental Association
"Parking offense, schmarking offense--we must leave no stone
Mr. Bartlett, Solicitor
Law and Order
"Customs men should be armed, so they can kill people
carrying more than two hundred cigarettes."
"We're in it for the lobbying, you know...We love lobbying."
"The point is frozen, the beast is dead, what is the
"A man can run and run for year after year, till he realizes
that what he's runnin' from is hisself. A man's gotta do
what a man's gotta do, and there ain't no sense in runnin'.
Now, you gotta turn, and you gotta fight, and you gotta hold
your head up high. Now you go back in there, son, and be a
man. Walk tall."
Cowboy in Black to Arthur Putey
"An entirely new strain of sheep! Killer sheep, that can
not only hold a rifle, but is also a first-class shot!"
"I object to all this sex on the television. I mean, I keep
"Flu? Perhaps they've eaten too much fresh fruit."
"When Beethoven went deaf, the mynah bird just used to
"The randiest of the gastropods is the limpet. This hot-
blooded little beast, with its tent-like shell, is always on
the job. Its extramarital activities are something
startling. Frankly, I don't see how the female limpet finds
time to adhere to the rock face."
Mollusk Documentary Producer
"It's all a bit zany, a bit madcap...Frankly, I don't fully
understand it myself. The kids seem to like it..."
"I abhor the implication that the Royal Navy is a haven for
cannibalism. It is well known that we now have the problem
relatively under control, and that it is the RAF who now
suffer the most casualties in this area."
Letter from Capt. B.J. Smethicke in a white wine sauce,
with shallots, mushrooms and garlic
"Kilimanjaro is a pretty tricky climb. Most of it's up,
until you reach the very, very top, and then it tends to
slope away rather sharply."
Sir George Head, OBE
"I always preferred the outdoor
life...hunting...shooting...fishing...getting out there with
a gun and slaughtering a few of God's creatures."
Bevis the Barber
"Kids were very different then. They didn't have their
heads filled with all this Cartesian Dualism..."
April Simnel, Piranha Bros. Neighbor
"Nowadays, the really blithering idiot can make anything up
to ten thousand pounds a year if he's the head of some big
M. Brando, Bank Manager
"The thing about saying the wrong words is that A, I don't
notice it, and B, sometimes orange water gibbon bucket and
"I wouldn't fancy flying one of these sitting on the toilet.
I mean, it'd take all the glamour out of being a pilot,
wouldn't it? Flying around the world sitting on the
Man in cockpit of Balpa Jet
"A poet is essential for complete home comfort and all-year-
round reliability at low cost."
Sales Manager, East Midlands Poet Board
"Never kill a customer."
Head Waiter to the Cook
"I would only perform a scene in which there was full
"I thought it better to consult a man of some professional
qualifications rather than rely on the possibly confused
testimony of some passerby."
Reg Pither, asking doctor for directions
"I don't think any of our contestants this evening have
succeeded in encapsulating the intricacies of Proust's
masterwork, so I'm going to award the first prize this
evening to the girl with the biggest tits."
"I met my second wife at a second-wife swapping party.
Trust me to arrive late."
"We must never forget that, if there was not one thing that
was not on top of another thing, our society would be
nothing more than a meaningless body of men gathered
together for no good purpose."
President, Society for Putting Things on Top of Other
"Last year the government spent less on the Ministry of
Silly Walks than it did on National Defense!"
Mr. Teabags, Minister of Silly Walks
"He seeks them here, he seeks them there,
He seeks those lupines everywhere."
Lord of Buckingham on Dennis Moore
"Please excuse my wife. She may not be very beautiful, and
she may have no money, and she may be talentless, boring,
and dull, but on the other hand...Sorry, I can't think of
Douglas, Restaurant Patron
"To me, it's like a mountain--a vast bowl of pus!"
Restaurant Manager, on a dirty fork received by a
"There are a great many people in the country today who,
through no fault of their own, are sane."
Rev. Arthur Belling
Sartre (Jean Paul)
"I personally think that Jean Paul's masterwork, Rues a
Liberte, is an allegory of our search for commitment."
"I don't believe that libraries should be drab places, where
people sit in silence, and that's been the main reason for
our policy of employing wild animals as librarians."
Library Board Member
"Are you nervous? Irritable? Depressed? Tired of life?
Keep it up!"
"Toledo Tit Parade? What sort of play is that?"
Sir Phillip Sydney
"Adopt, adapt, and improve--motto of the Round Table."
Bandit at lingerie shop
"I would tax Raquel Welch...and I've a feeling she'd tax
The "It's" Man
"We at the Special Crimes Squad have been using wands for
almost a year. You can make yourself invisible, you can
defy time and space, and you can turn violent criminals into
frogs--things you could never do with the old truncheons."
"His head was about the same size as that of an extremely
large dog, that is to say, two very small dogs, or four very
large hamsters, or one medium-sized rabbit, if you count the
whole of the body and not just the head."
"It's not your bleeding highbrowed plays that pull in the
viewers, you know."
Mr. Birchenhall, BBC Spokesman
"Sheep are very dim. Once they get an idea into their head,
there's no shifting it!"
Farmer to city neighbor
"A mosquito is a clever little bastard. You can track him
for days and days, until you really get to know him like a
"Here we see a pantomime horse. It is engaged in a life or
death struggle for a job at the merchant bank."
Voiceover for Nature Documentary
"There's been a walkout in the Impressionists...Gaines' Blue
Boy has brought out the eighteenth-century English
portraits, the Flemish School is solid, and German woodcuts
are at a meeting now."
Farmer from Constable's Hay Wain
"No, you may not give urine instead of blood...We have quite
enough of it without volunteers coming in donating it."
"What's brown and sounds like a bell? Dung!"
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