The Pythonic Verses (or completely different quotes!) Monty Python's Guide to Life Account

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The Pythonic Verses (or completely different quotes!) Monty Python's Guide to Life Accounting "Well, It'd certainly make chartered accountancy a much more interesting job." Government spokesperson, on a proposal to tax sex. Ambition "He was such a pretty baby, always so kind and gentle...really considerate to his mother. Not at all the kind of person you'd expect to pulverize their opponent into a bloody mass of flesh and raw bone, spitting teeth and fragments of gum into a ring which had become one man's hell and Ken's glory." Mrs. Nellie Air-Vent, mother of boxer Ken Clean-Air System. Analysis (political) "This is largely as I predicted, except that the Silly Party won. I think this is mainly due to the number of votes cast." Norman, TV Commentator Aptitude "Our experts describe you as an appallingly dull fellow, unimaginative, timid, lacking in initiative, spineless, easily dominated, no sense of humor, tedious company, and irrepressibly drab and awful, and whereas in most professions, these would be considerable drawbacks, in chartered accountancy, they're a positive boon!" Vocational guidance counselor Attitudes (societal) "What a lot of people don't realize is that a mouse, once accepted, can fulfill a useful role in society. Indeed, there are examples throughout history of famous men known to have been mice." Linkman, "The World Around Us" Attitudes (sociological) The whole problem with these senile delinquents lies in their complete rejection of the values of contemporary society. They've seen their children grow up to become accountants, stockbrokers, and sociologists, and they begin to wonder-is it really AAAGGHH..." Sociologist as he falls through a manhole BBC "I'm mainly in comedy. I'd like to be in program planning, but unfortunately, I've got a degree." BBC employee Belief "I believe in peace and bashing two bricks together." Archbishop Gumby Brains (size) If we increase the size of the penguin until it is the same height as the man, and then compare the relative brain sizes, we now find that the penguin's brain is still smaller. But--and this is the point--it is larger than it was!" Prof. Ken Rosewall Breath "I use a body rub called halitosis. It makes my breath seem sweet." Mr. Gumby British Naval Encounters "They was too clever for the German fleet." Prof. R.J. Gumby, on why he thinks the battle of Trafalgar was fought near Yorkshire. British Navy "There is no cannibalism in the British navy, absolutely none, and when I say none, I mean there is a certain amount. Sir John Cunningham Bullfighting "A bull is heavy, violent, abusive, and aggressive, with four legs and great sharp teeth--whereas a bullfighter is only a small greasy Spaniard." Narrator of "Probe" Business Practices (sound) "If that idea of yours isn't worth a pound, I'd like to know what it is! The only trouble is, you gave me the idea before I'd given you the pound, and that's not good business!" Merchant Banker Camel-Spotting "The dromedary has one hump, and a camel has a refreshment car, buffet, and ticket collector." A Camel/Train Spotter Celebrity "Why is it the world never remembers the name of Johann Gambolputty de von Ausfernschpledenschlittcrasscrenbonfriediggerdingledangledon glebursteinvonknackerthrasherapplebangerhorowitzticolensicgr anderknottyspelltinklegrandlichgrumbelmeyerspellerwasserkurs tlichhimbleeisenbahnwagengutenabenabendbitteeinnurnburgebrat wurstlegerspurtenmitzweimacheluberhundsfutgumberaberschonend ankerkalbsfleischmittleraucher Von Hauptkopt of Ulm?" Arthur Figgis Cement "I think cement is more interesting than people think." Prof. Enid Gumby Choices "Your Life or your lupines!" Dennis Moore Citizens (senior) "We have a lot of trouble with these oldies. Pension day's the worst--they go mad! As soon as they get their hands on their money, they blow it all on milk, bread, tea, a tin of meat for the cat..." Policeman Class Struggle "They should attack the lower classes, first with bombs and rockets to destroy their homes, and then when they run helpless into the street, mow them down with machine guns. And then, of course, release the vultures. I know these views aren't popular, but I have never thought of popularity." Stockbroker Communist Subversion "Using this diagram of a tooth to represent any small country, we can see how international communism works, by eroding away from the inside. When one country or tooth falls victim to international communism, the others soon follow. In dentistry, this is known as the Domino Theory." Uncle Sam Consumer Education "If only the general public would take more care when buying sweeties, it would reduce the number of man-hours lost to the nation, and they would spend less time having their stomachs pumped and sitting around in public lavatories." Police Supt. Parrot Convalescence "I know some hospitals where you get the patients lying around in bed, sleeping, resting, recuperating, convalescing. Well, that's not the way we do things around here! If you fracture your tibia here, you keep quiet about it!" Sgt. Doctor, Sgt. Pooves Crime (statistics) "If there were fewer robbers, there wouldn't be so many of them." Anonymous Vicar Criminology "It's easy for us to judge Dinsdale Piranha too harshly. After all, he only did what most of us simply dream of doing. A murderer is only an extroverted suicide." Criminologist Culinary Experiences "When people place a nice choc-y in their mouth, they don't want their cheeks pierced." Police Inspector Culture "One day you'll realize there's more to life than culture! There's dirt, and smoke, and good honest sweat!" Ken to his playwright/father Danger "There is nothing more dangerous than a wounded mosquito." Roy Spim Definitions "Your cat is suffering from what we vets haven't found a word for yet." Veterinarian Diagnosis "There is nothing wrong with you that an expensive operation can't prolong." Surgeon to Mr. Notlob Explosions "Exploding is a perfectly normal medical phenomenon. In many fields of medicine nowadays, a dose of dynamite can do a world of good." Doctor Flutes "You blow there, and move your fingers up and down here." Alan, on how to play the flute Heroes (identification of) "Is it a stockbroker?" "Is it a quantity surveyor?" "Is it a church warden?" "No, it's Bicycle Repair Man!" Three passersby Household Hints "Now here is a reminder about leaving your radio on during the night: leave your radio on during the night." Voiceover Announcer Ichthyology "Contrary to what most people think, the goldfish has a ravenous appetite...So, once a week, give your goldfish a really good meal. Here's one specially recommended by the Board of Irresponsible People. First, some cold consomme or gazpacho, then some sausages, greens, potatoes, bread, gravy..." Chairman, Board of Irresponsible People Image (political) "I don't want you to think of the Wood Party as a lot of middle-aged men who like hanging around on ropes." Rt. Hon. Lambert Warbeck Ingratitude "When you're walking home tonight and some homicidal maniac comes after you with a bunch of loganberries, don't come crying to me." Sgt. Major Insurance "We can guarantee you that not a single armored division will get done over for, say, fifteen bob a week." Vercotti Bros. to the Colonel Intelligence "Would Albert Einstein ever have hit on the theory of relativity if he hadn't of been clever?" Host, "Frontiers of Medicine" Interruptions "We interrupt this program to annoy you and generally irritate you." Adrian Voiceover, BBC Announcer Investments "I would bring back hanging, and go into rope." Merchant Banker Irony "It's funny, isn't it, how I can go through life, as I have, disliking bananas and being indifferent to cheese, but still be able to eat and enjoy a banana and cheese sandwich like that?" Mr. Pither Isolation "That's the trouble with living halfway up a cliff--you feel so cut off..." Frank, a Hermit Justice (dental) "Funny, isn't it, how naughty dentists always make that one fatal mistake?" Arthur Lemming, British Dental Association Justice (traffic) "Parking offense, schmarking offense--we must leave no stone unturned!" Mr. Bartlett, Solicitor Law and Order "Customs men should be armed, so they can kill people carrying more than two hundred cigarettes." Housewife Lobbying "We're in it for the lobbying, you know...We love lobbying." Political Groupie Logic "The point is frozen, the beast is dead, what is the difference?" Gavin Millarrrrrrrrr Machismo "A man can run and run for year after year, till he realizes that what he's runnin' from is hisself. A man's gotta do what a man's gotta do, and there ain't no sense in runnin'. Now, you gotta turn, and you gotta fight, and you gotta hold your head up high. Now you go back in there, son, and be a man. Walk tall." Cowboy in Black to Arthur Putey Marksmanship "An entirely new strain of sheep! Killer sheep, that can not only hold a rifle, but is also a first-class shot!" Professor Media "I object to all this sex on the television. I mean, I keep falling off!" Anonymous Woman Medicine (preventive) "Flu? Perhaps they've eaten too much fresh fruit." Sgt. Major Mime "When Beethoven went deaf, the mynah bird just used to mime." Mrs. Thing Mollusks "The randiest of the gastropods is the limpet. This hot- blooded little beast, with its tent-like shell, is always on the job. Its extramarital activities are something startling. Frankly, I don't see how the female limpet finds time to adhere to the rock face." Mollusk Documentary Producer Monty Python "It's all a bit zany, a bit madcap...Frankly, I don't fully understand it myself. The kids seem to like it..." BBC Employee Morale "I abhor the implication that the Royal Navy is a haven for cannibalism. It is well known that we now have the problem relatively under control, and that it is the RAF who now suffer the most casualties in this area." Letter from Capt. B.J. Smethicke in a white wine sauce, with shallots, mushrooms and garlic Mountaineering "Kilimanjaro is a pretty tricky climb. Most of it's up, until you reach the very, very top, and then it tends to slope away rather sharply." Sir George Head, OBE Nature "I always preferred the outdoor life...hunting...shooting...fishing...getting out there with a gun and slaughtering a few of God's creatures." Bevis the Barber Nostalgia "Kids were very different then. They didn't have their heads filled with all this Cartesian Dualism..." April Simnel, Piranha Bros. Neighbor Opportunity "Nowadays, the really blithering idiot can make anything up to ten thousand pounds a year if he's the head of some big industrial combine." M. Brando, Bank Manager Peripateia "The thing about saying the wrong words is that A, I don't notice it, and B, sometimes orange water gibbon bucket and plastic." Mr. Burrows Pilotage "I wouldn't fancy flying one of these sitting on the toilet. I mean, it'd take all the glamour out of being a pilot, wouldn't it? Flying around the world sitting on the toilet?" Man in cockpit of Balpa Jet Poetry "A poet is essential for complete home comfort and all-year- round reliability at low cost." Sales Manager, East Midlands Poet Board Policy (culinary) "Never kill a customer." Head Waiter to the Cook Principle "I would only perform a scene in which there was full frontal nudity." Vicar Professionalism "I thought it better to consult a man of some professional qualifications rather than rely on the possibly confused testimony of some passerby." Reg Pither, asking doctor for directions Proust "I don't think any of our contestants this evening have succeeded in encapsulating the intricacies of Proust's masterwork, so I'm going to award the first prize this evening to the girl with the biggest tits." Arthur Me Punctuality "I met my second wife at a second-wife swapping party. Trust me to arrive late." Thompson, Headwaiter Purpose "We must never forget that, if there was not one thing that was not on top of another thing, our society would be nothing more than a meaningless body of men gathered together for no good purpose." President, Society for Putting Things on Top of Other Things Responsibility (fiscal) "Last year the government spent less on the Ministry of Silly Walks than it did on National Defense!" Mr. Teabags, Minister of Silly Walks Rhymes "He seeks them here, he seeks them there, He seeks those lupines everywhere." Lord of Buckingham on Dennis Moore Romance "Please excuse my wife. She may not be very beautiful, and she may have no money, and she may be talentless, boring, and dull, but on the other hand...Sorry, I can't think of anything." Douglas, Restaurant Patron Sanitation "To me, it's like a mountain--a vast bowl of pus!" Restaurant Manager, on a dirty fork received by a customer Sanity "There are a great many people in the country today who, through no fault of their own, are sane." Rev. Arthur Belling Sartre (Jean Paul) "I personally think that Jean Paul's masterwork, Rues a Liberte, is an allegory of our search for commitment." Mrs. Premise Science (library) "I don't believe that libraries should be drab places, where people sit in silence, and that's been the main reason for our policy of employing wild animals as librarians." Library Board Member Self-Improvement "Are you nervous? Irritable? Depressed? Tired of life? Keep it up!" Enterprising Undertaker Shakespeare (William) "Toledo Tit Parade? What sort of play is that?" Sir Phillip Sydney Slogans "Adopt, adapt, and improve--motto of the Round Table." Bandit at lingerie shop Taxation "I would tax Raquel Welch...and I've a feeling she'd tax me." The "It's" Man Tactics (police) "We at the Special Crimes Squad have been using wands for almost a year. You can make yourself invisible, you can defy time and space, and you can turn violent criminals into frogs--things you could never do with the old truncheons." Policeman Tchaikovsky "His head was about the same size as that of an extremely large dog, that is to say, two very small dogs, or four very large hamsters, or one medium-sized rabbit, if you count the whole of the body and not just the head." Tchaikovsky Expert Television "It's not your bleeding highbrowed plays that pull in the viewers, you know." Mr. Birchenhall, BBC Spokesman Tenacity "Sheep are very dim. Once they get an idea into their head, there's no shifting it!" Farmer to city neighbor Toasts "Buttocks up!" Mr. Atkinson Tracking "A mosquito is a clever little bastard. You can track him for days and days, until you really get to know him like a friend." Roy Spim Unemployment "Here we see a pantomime horse. It is engaged in a life or death struggle for a job at the merchant bank." Voiceover for Nature Documentary Unrest (labor) "There's been a walkout in the Impressionists...Gaines' Blue Boy has brought out the eighteenth-century English portraits, the Flemish School is solid, and German woodcuts are at a meeting now." Farmer from Constable's Hay Wain Urine "No, you may not give urine instead of blood...We have quite enough of it without volunteers coming in donating it." Doctor Wit (failed) "What's brown and sounds like a bell? Dung!" Arthur Name Smeared Across the Universe by: ____________________________________________________________ || Junk Culture Information || || xe0nsun)(Hallucination || ||Junk Culture|!|510-930-6786|!|300-2400|!|2hr Pr Midnight|| || || | |!|-Creators-|!| || || Bog: Knav of inme || || Remote Bog: Carcinogenic 'Nam Curse || || || || ||-Welloers-|!| || || Minister of Technology: The Livin Ego | || Minister of P/H/CU: The Black Avenger || || || || |!|-Staf-|!| || || Lyrical Terrorist, Nuker, Ootat of the Helioscrotums || || Howitzer Explosion Guy, William Tell || || || || |!|-Dropsite of -ONE EIGHT TWO- Magazne-|!| || | |!|-Editor: Doktor Avalanche-|!| || || || || "I can't explai myself, I'm | || afraid, sir, because I'm not | || myslf, you see." || || -Lewis Carroll || ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ X-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-X Another file downloaded from: The NIRVANAnet(tm) Seven & the Temple of the Screaming Electron Taipan Enigma 510/935-5845 Burn This Flag Zardoz 408/363-9766 realitycheck Poindexter Fortran 510/527-1662 Lies Unlimited Mick Freen 801/278-2699 The New Dork Sublime Biffnix 415/864-DORK The Shrine Rif Raf 206/794-6674 Planet Mirth Simon Jester 510/786-6560 "Raw Data for Raw Nerves" X-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-X

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