This script was transcribed and checked for errors by three people through three runs of t

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This script was transcribed and checked for errors by three people through three runs of the movie. It is as accurate as we could agree upon. Some of the onomatopoeia may be questionable.... _____________________________________________________________________ The Princess Bride Cast of Characters: The Albino Mel Smith The Ancient Booer Margery Mason The Assistant Brute Paul Badger Buttercup, The Princess Bride Robin Wright Fezzik Andre the Giant The Grandfather Peter Falk The Grandson Fred Savage Prince Humperdinck Chris Sarandon The Impressive Clergyman Peter Cook The King Willoughby Gray Miracle Max Billy Crystal Inigo Montoya Mandy Patinkin The Mother Betsy Brantley The Queen Anne Dyson Count Rugen Christopher Guest Valerie Carol Kane Vizzini Wallace Shawn Westley Cary Elwes Yellin Malcolm Storry Directed by Rob Reiner Based on the book by William Goldman Music by Mark Knopfler [Scene: Grandson's bedroom, Grandson is on the bed, playing video games] Mother: Hi, honey. Grandson: Hi, Mom. Mother: < kiss > You feelin' any better? Grandson: A little bit. Mother: Guess what? Grandson: What? Mother: Your Grandfather's here. Grandson: Mom, can't you tell him I'm sick? Mother: You're sick? That's why he's here. Grandson: He'll pinch my cheek. I hate that. Mother: Maybe he won't. Grandfather:Heyyyy!! How's the sickie, eh? Mother: I think I'll leave you two pals alone. Grandfather:I brought you a special present. Grandson: What is it?? Grandfather:Open it up. [pause as Grandson opens present] Grandson: A book ? Grandfather:That's right. When I was your age, television was called books. And this is a special book. It was the book my father used to read to me when I was sick, and I used to read it to your father, and today, I'm gonna read it to you. Grandson: Does it got any sports in it? Grandfather:Are you kidding? Fencing, fighting, torture, revenge, giants,monsters, chases, escapes, True Love, miracles.... Grandson: Doesn't sound too bad. I'll try and stay awake. Grandfather:Oh. Well thank you very much. Very nice of you. Your vote of confidence is overwhelming. All right. The Princess Bride, by S. Morgenstern, Chapter One. Buttercup was raised on a small farm in the country of Florin. Her favorite pastimes were riding her horse and tormenting the farm boy that worked there. His name was Westley, but she never called him that." [pause] Isn't that a wonderful beginning? Grandson: Yeah, it's really good. [Scene: Farm] Grandfather:"Nothing gave Buttercup as much pleasure as ordering Westley around." Buttercup: Farm Boy, polish my horse's saddle. I want to see my face shining in it by morning. Westley: As you wish. Grandfather:"'As you wish' was all he ever said to her." Buttercup: Farm boy, fill these with water...please. Westley: As you wish. Grandfather:"That day she was amazed to discover that when he was saying 'As you wish', what he meant was, 'I love you.' And even more amazing was the day she realized she truly loved him back." Buttercup: Farm boy...fetch me that pitcher. Westley: As you wish. < she smiles..[scene segues to sunset].they kiss > [Scene: Bedroom] Grandson: Hold it, hold it! What is this? Are you tryin' to trick me? Where's the sports? < gravely > Is this a kissing book? Grandfather:Wait, just wait. Grandson: Well when does it get good? Grandfather:Keep your shirt on, let me read. "Westley had no money for marriage, so he packed a few belongings and left the farm to seek his fortune across the sea. It was a very emotional time for Buttercup." Grandson: I don't believe this! [Scene: Farmhouse] Buttercup: I fear I'll never see you again. Westley: Of course you will. Buttercup: But what if something happens to you? Westley: Hear this now: I will always come for you. Buttercup: But how can you be sure? Westley: This is True Love. You think this happens every day?? Grandfather:"Westley didn't reach his destination. His ship was attackedby the dread pirate Roberts, who never left captives alive. When Buttercup got the news that Westley was murdered,--" Grandson: Murdered by pirates is good.... Grandfather:"She went into her room and shut the door, and for days she neither slept nor ate." Buttercup: I will never love again. [Scene: Main Square. Humperdinck, King on balcony] Grandfather:"Five years later, the main square of Florin City was filled as never before to hear the announcement of the great Prince Humperdinck's bride-to-be." Humperdinck:< addressing the crowd > My people, a month from now, our country will have its 500th anniversary. On that sundown, I shall marry a lady who was once a commoner like yourselves. But perhaps you will not find her common now. Would you like to meet her? People: Yes! Humperdinck:My people, the Princess Buttercup. [Buttercup enters, wearing crown and gown.] [Scene: Outside Florin City walls. Buttercup is riding a horse] Grandfather:"Buttercup's emptiness consumed her. Although the law of the land gave Humperdinck the right to choose his bride, she did not love him. Despite Humperdinck's reassurances that she would grow to love him, the only joy she found was in her daily ride." [Scene: Lane alongside river. Three men stop Buttercup.] Vizzini: A word, my lady. We are but poor, lost circus performers. Is there a village nearby? Buttercup: There is nothing nearby...not for miles. Vizzini: Then there will be no one to hear you scream! Inigo: What is that you're ripping? Vizzini: It's fabric from the uniform of an army officer of Gilder. Fezzik: Who's Gilder? Vizzini: The country across the sea, the sworn enemy of Florin. < to horse > Go! [The four board a boat] Once the horse reaches the castle, the fabric will make the prince suspect the Gilderians have abducted his love. When he finds her body dead on the Gilder frontier, his suspicions will be totally confirmed. Fezzik: You never said anything about killing anyone. Vizzini: I've hired you to help me start a war. It's a prestigious line of work, with a long and glorious tradition. Fezzik: I just don't think it's right, killing an innocent girl. Vizzini: Am I going mad, or did the word "THINK" escape your lips? YOU WERE NOT HIRED FOR YOUR BRAINS, YOU HIPPOPOTAMIC LAND MASS! Inigo: I agree with Fezzik. Vizzini: OH! THE SOT HAS SPOKEN! WHAT HAPPENS TO HER IS NOT TRULY YOUR CONCERN. I WILL KILL HER, AND REMEMBER THIS, NEVER FORGET THIS: WHEN I FOUND YOU, YOU WERE SO SLOBBERING DRUNK, YOU COULDN'T BUY BRANDY! AND YOU! FRIENDLESS, BRAINLESS, HELPLESS, HOPELESS! DO YOU WANT ME TO SEND YOU BACK TO WHERE YOU WERE, UNEMPLOYED, IN GREENLAND!!! Inigo: That Vizzini, he can fuss. Fezzik: Fuss, fuss...I think he like to scream... at us. Inigo: Probably he means no harm. Fezzik: He's really very short on... charm. Inigo: You have a great gift for rhyme. Fezzik: Yes, yes, some of the time. Vizzini: Enough of that! Inigo: Fezzik, are there rocks ahead? Fezzik: If there are, we all be dead! Vizzini: No more rhymes now, I mean it! Fezzik: Anybody want a peanut? Vizzini: DYEEAAHHHHHH!! [Scene: Open water. Inigo is looking behind the boat frequently] Vizzini: We'll reach the cliffs by dawn. Why are you doing that? Inigo: Are you sure nobody's follow us? Vizzini: That would be inconceivable. Buttercup: Despite what you think, you will be caught. And when you are, the prince will see you all hanged. Vizzini: Of all the necks on this boat, Highness, the one you should be worrying about is your own. [pause] Stop doing that! We can all relax, it's almost over. Inigo: You are sure nobody's follow us? Vizzini: As I told you, it would be absolutely, totally, and in all other ways, inconceivable. No one in Gilder knows what we've done, and no one in Florin could've gotten here so fast. [pause] Out of curiosity, why do you ask? Inigo: No reason. Suddenly, I just happen to look behind us and something is there. Vizzini: Probably some local fisherman out for a pleasure cruise at night...through eel-infested waters. [Buttercup dives overboard, and starts swimming away] < splash! > Vizzini: Wha-wh-Go in! Get after her! Inigo: I don't swim. Fezzik: I only dog paddle. Vizzini: DYEEAAHHHHHH!! VEER LEFT! LEFT! LEFT! < to Buttercup > DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT SOUND IS, HIGHNESS? THOSE ARE THE SHRIEKING EELS. IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME, JUST WAIT! THEY ALWAYS GROW LOUDER WHEN THEY'RE ABOUT TO FEED ON HUMAN FLESH. IF YOU SWIM BACK NOW, I PROMISE, NO HARM WILL COME TO YOU. I DOUBT YOU'LL GET SUCH AN OFFER FROM THE EELS. [Scene: Boy's bedroom] Grandfather:She doesn't get eaten by the eels at this time. Grandson: What? Grandfather:The eel doesn't get her. Now, I'm explaining to you because you look nervous. Grandson: I wasn't nervous. Well, maybe I was a little bit concerned, but that's not the same thing. Grandfather:Because we can stop now if you want. Grandson: No, you could read a little bit more, if you want. [Scene: Back on boat] Grandfather:"Do you know what that sound is, Highness? Those are the shrieking eels." Grandson: We passed that, Grandpa. You read it already. Grandfather:Oh, oh my goodness I did. I'm sorry. Beg your pardon. All right, all right. Let's see. She was in the water, the eel was comin' after her, she was frightened, the eel started to charge her, and then- - [Buttercup lifted out of the water] Vizzini: Put her down, just put her down. Inigo: I think he's getting closer. Vizzini: HE'S NO CONCERN OF OURS. SAIL ON! I suppose you think you're brave, don't you? Buttercup: Only compared to some. [Scene: Base of The Cliffs of Insanity.] Inigo: Look! He's right on top of us. I wonder if he's using the same wind we are using. Vizzini: WHOEVER HE IS, HE'S TOO LATE. SEE? THE CLIFFS OF INSANITY! HURRY UP! MOVE THE THING! AND THAT OTHER THING! [pause] MOVE IT! We're safe. Only Fezzik is strong enough to go up our way. He'll have to sail around for hours till he finds a harbor. [Scene: Climbing the Cliffs. Inigo, Vizzini and Buttercup are clinging to Fezzik, as he climbs a rope to the top] Inigo: He's climbing the rope. And he's gaining on us. Vizzini: Inconceivable! [pause] FASTER! Fezzik: I thought I was going faster. Vizzini: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE THIS COLOSSUS, YOU WERE THIS GREAT LEGENDARY THING, AND YET HE GAINS! Fezzik: Well, I'm carrying three people, and he's got only himself. Vizzini: I DO NOT ACCEPT EXCUSES! I'M JUST GOING TO HAVE TO FIND MYSELF A NEW GIANT, THAT'S ALL. Fezzik: Don't say that, Vizzini. Please? Vizzini: DID I MAKE IT CLEAR THAT YOUR JOB IS AT STAKE? [Scene: At the top. Fezzik, Vizzini and Inigo are looking down at the masked man climbing the cliff after Vizzini has cut the rope] Fezzik: He's got very good arms. Vizzini: HE DIDN'T FALL? INCONCEIVABLE! Inigo: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means. [pause] My God! He's climbing! Vizzini: Whoever he is, he's obviously seen us with the princess and must therefore die. You, carry her. We'll head straight for the Gilder frontier. Catch up when he's dead. If he falls, fine. If not, the sword. Inigo: I'm going to do him left-handed. Vizzini: YOU KNOW WHAT A HURRY WE'RE IN! Inigo: Is is the only way I can be satisfied. If I use my right, over too quickly. Vizzini: Oh, have it your way. Fezzik: You be careful. People in masks cannot be trusted. Vizzini: I'M WAITING! [Vizzini, Fezzik and Buttercup depart the Ruins, leaving Inigo to prepair for the masked man] Inigo: Hello there! Slow going? Dread Pirate Roberts: < climbing cliff > Look, I don't mean to be rude, but this is not as easy as it looks, so I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't distract me. Inigo: Sorry. Dread Pirate Roberts: [tersely] Thank you. Inigo: I do not suppose you could a-speed things up? Dread Pirate Roberts: If you're in such a hurry, you could lower a rope or a tree branch or find something useful to do. Inigo: I could do that. I still got some rope up here, but I do not think you would accept my help, since I am only waiting around to kill you. Dread Pirate Roberts: That does put a damper on our relationship. Inigo: But, I promise I will not kill you until you reach the top. Dread Pirate Roberts: That's very comforting, but I'm afraid you'll just have to wait. Inigo: I hate waiting. I could give you my word as a Spaniard.... Dread Pirate Roberts: No good. I've known too many Spaniards. Inigo: Is there not any way you'll trust me? Dread Pirate Roberts: Nothing comes to mind. Inigo: I swear, on the soul of my father, Domingo Montoya, you will reach the top alive. Dread Pirate Roberts: Throw me the rope. [Roberts reaches the top] Thank you. Inigo: W-w-w-w-we'll wait until you are ready. Dread Pirate Roberts: Again, thank you. Inigo: I do not mean to pry, but you don't by any chance happen to have six fingers on your right hand? Dread Pirate Roberts: Do you always begin conversations this way? Inigo: My father was slaughtered by a six-fingered man. Was a great sword-maker, my father. When the six- fingered man appear and request a special sword, my father took the job. He slave a year before it was done. Dread Pirate Roberts: < admiring the sword > I've never seen its equal. Inigo: Six-fingered man returned and demanded it, but at one- tenth his promised price. My father refuse. Without a word, the six-fingered man slash him through the heart. I loved my father, so naturally I challenged his murderer to a duel. I fail. Six-fingered man leave me alive. But he give me this. Dread Pirate Roberts: How old were you? Inigo: I was eleven years old. When I was a-strong enough, I dedicated my life to the study of fencing, so the next time we meet, I will not fail. I will go up to the six-fingered man and say, "Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die." Dread Pirate Roberts: You've done nothing but study swordplay? Inigo: More a pursuit than a study, lately. You see, I cannot find him. It has been twenty years now and I am starting to lose confidence. I just work for Vizzini to pay the bills. It's not a lot of money in revenge. Dread Pirate Roberts: Well, I-I certainly hope you find him someday. Inigo: You are ready, then? Dread Pirate Roberts: Whether I am or not, you've been more than fair. Inigo: You seem a decent fellow. I hate to kill you. Dread Pirate Roberts: You seem a decent fellow. I hate to die. Inigo: Begin. You are using Bonetti's defense against me, uh? Dread Pirate Roberts: I thought it fitting, considering the rocky terrain. Inigo: Naturally, you must expect me to attack with Capo Ferro. Dread Pirate Roberts: Naturally, but I find that Thibault cancels Capo Ferro, don't you? Inigo: Unless the enemy hasn't studied his Agrippa, which I have! [pause] You are wonderful! Dread Pirate Roberts: Thank you. I've worked hard to become so. Inigo: I admit it, you are better than I am. Dread Pirate Roberts: Then why are you smiling? Inigo: Because I know something you don't know. Dread Pirate Roberts: And what is that? Inigo: I am not left-handed. Dread Pirate Roberts: You're amazing! Inigo: I ought to be after twenty years. Dread Pirate Roberts: There is something I ought to tell you. Inigo: Tell me. Dread Pirate Roberts: I'm not left-handed either. Inigo: Who are you? Dread Pirate Roberts: No one of consequence. Inigo: I must know. Dread Pirate Roberts: Get used to disappointment. < Inigo shrugs > Inigo: Okay. [pause, as they continue to fight] Kill me quickly. Dread Pirate Roberts: I would as soon destroy a stained-glass window as an artist like yourself. However, since I can't have you following me either.... [Roberts hits Inigo over the head with the hilt of his sword] [Inigo hits the ground, out cold. Roberts apoligises:] Please understand I hold you in the highest respect. [Scene: Halfway up a hill, nearby boulders. Vizzini sees the black figure of Roberts moving towards them] Vizzini: INCONCEIVABLE! Give her to me. Catch up with us quickly. Fezzik: What do I do? Vizzini: FINISH HIM, FINISH HIM! YOUR WAY! Fezzik: Oh good, my way. Thank you, Vizzini. [Fezzik pauses, thinking] Which way's my way? Vizzini: Pick up one of those rocks, get behind the boulder. In a few minutes the man in black will come running around the bend. The minute his head is in view, HIT IT WITH THE ROCK!! Fezzik: My way's not very sportsmanlike. [Roberts approaches the boulders, then slows down. A rock disintegrates itself just in front of him] Fezzik: I did that on purpose. I didn't have to miss. Dread Pirate Roberts: I believe you. [pause] So what happens now? Fezzik: We face each other as God intended...sportmanlike. No tricks, no weapons, skill against skill alone. Dread Pirate Roberts: You mean, you'll put down your rock and I'll put down my sword and we'll try and kill each other like civilized people? Fezzik: I could kill you now. Dread Pirate Roberts: Frankly, I think the odds are slightly in your favor at hand fighting. Fezzik: It's not my fault being the biggest and the strongest. I don't even exercise. [Roberts puts down the sword, and begins to pummel Fezzik, to no effect] Dread Pirate Roberts: Look, are you just fiddling around with me or what? Fezzik: I just want you to feel you're doing well. I hate for people to die embarrassed. [Roberts dodges swipes from Fezzik] You're quick. Dread Pirate Roberts: And a good thing, too. Fezzik: Why are you wearing a mask? Were you burned by acid or something like that? Dread Pirate Roberts: Oh no, it's just they're terribly comfortable. I think everyone'll be wearing them in the future. Fezzik: I just figured why you give me so much trouble. Dread Pirate Roberts: Why's that, do you think? Fezzik: Well, I haven't fought just one person for so long. I've been specializing in groups. Battling gangs for local charities, that kind of thing. Dread Pirate Roberts: Why should that make such a < strained > difference? Fezzik: Well, you see, you use different moves when you're fighting half a dozen people than when you only have to be worried about ... one. [Fezzik drops unconscious to the ground] Dread Pirate Roberts: I do not envy you the headache you will have when you awake. But, in the meantime, rest well, and dream of large women. [Scene: The Ruins. Humperdinck is looking at the scuff marks on the ground Mounted soldiers and Count Rugen are present] Humperdinck:There was a mighty duel. It ranged all over. They were both masters. Count Rugen:Who won? How did it end? Humperdinck:The loser... ran off alone, and the winner followed those footprints... toward Gilder. Count Rugen:Shall we track them both? Humperdinck:The loser is nothing. Only the princess matters. Clearly this was all planned by warriors of Gilder. We must all be ready for whatever lies ahead. Count Rugen:Could this be a trap? Humperdinck:I always think everything could be a trap...which is why I'm still alive. [Scene: Open area. Vizzini is seated behind a covered table. Buttercup, blindfolded, is sitting to his left. On the table is a bottle of wine and two goblets. Roberts approaches the Table] Vizzini: So it is down to you, and it is down to me. If you wish her dead, by all means, keep moving forward. Dread Pirate Roberts: Let me explain-- Vizzini: There's nothing to explain. You're trying to kidnap what I have rightfully stolen. Dread Pirate Roberts: Perhaps an arrangement can be reached? Vizzini: There will be no arrangement, and you're killing her. Dread Pirate Roberts: Well if there can be no arrangement, then we are at an impasse. Vizzini: I'm afraid so. I can't compete with you physically, and you're no match for my brains. Dread Pirate Roberts: You're that smart? Vizzini: Let me put it this way: have you ever heard of Plato, Aristotle, Socrates? Dread Pirate Roberts: Yes. Vizzini: Morons. Dread Pirate Roberts: Really. [pause] In that case, I challenge you to a battle of wits. Vizzini: For the princess? < Pirate nods > To the death? < Pirate nods > I accept. Dread Pirate Roberts: Good. Then pour the wine. [Roberts pulls out a small vial, and uncorks it] Inhale this, but do not touch. Vizzini: I smell nothing. Dread Pirate Roberts: What you do not smell is called Iocane powder. It is odorless, tasteless, dissolves instantly in liquid, and is among the more deadly poisons known to man. Vizzini: Hmmmm. Dread Pirate Roberts: < turns away from Vizzini with the goblets, and pours the poison in. Goblets replaced on the table, one in front of each. > All right. Where is the poison? The battle of wits has begun. It ends when you decide and we both drink, and find out who is right...and who is dead. Vizzini: But it's so simple. All I have to do is divine from what I know of you: are you the sort of man who would put the poison into his own goblet or his enemy's? Now, a clever man would put the poison into his own goblet, because he would know that only a great fool would reach for what he was given. I am not a great fool, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you. But you must have known I was not a great fool, you would have counted on it, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me. Dread Pirate Roberts: You've made your decision then? Vizzini: Not remotely. Because iocane comes from Australia, as everyone knows, and Australia is entirely peopled with criminals, and criminals are used to having people not trust them, as you are not trusted by me, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you. Dread Pirate Roberts: Truly, you have a dizzying intellect. Vizzini: WAIT TILL I GET GOING! Where was I? Dread Pirate Roberts: Australia. Vizzini: Yes, Australia. And you must have suspected I would have known the powder's origin, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me. Dread Pirate Roberts: You're just stalling now. Vizzini: You'd like to think that, wouldn't you? You've beaten my giant, which means you're exceptionally strong, so you could've put the poison in your own goblet, trusting on your strength to save you, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you. But, you've also bested my Spaniard, which means you must have studied, and in studying you must have learned that man is mortal, so you would have put the poison as far from yourself as possible, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me. Dread Pirate Roberts: You're trying to trick me into giving away something. It won't work. Vizzini: IT HAS WORKED! YOU'VE GIVEN EVERYTHING AWAY! I KNOW WHERE THE POISON IS! Dread Pirate Roberts: Then make your choice. Vizzini: I will, and I choose-- What in the world can that be? [Vizzini gestures up and away from the table. Roberts looks] Dread Pirate Roberts: What? Where? I don't see anything. Vizzini: Well, I- I could have sworn I saw something. No matter. [Vizzini smirks] Dread Pirate Roberts: What's so funny? Vizzini: I'll tell you in a minute. First, let's drink. Me from my glass, and you from yours. < they drink > Dread Pirate Roberts: You guessed wrong. Vizzini: You only think I guessed wrong! That's what's so funny! I switched glasses when your back was turned! Ha ha! You fool! You fell victim to one of the classic blunders! The most famous is never get involved in a land war in Asia, but only slightly less well-known is this: never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line!! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!! Ha ha ha-- [Vizzini stops suddenly, and falls dead to the right] Buttercup: Who are you? Dread Pirate Roberts: I'm no one to be trifled with. That is all you ever need know. Buttercup: And to think, all that time it was your cup that was poisoned. Dread Pirate Roberts: They were both poisoned. I spent the last few years building up an immunity to iocane powder. [Scene: At the Boulders] Humperdinck:Someone has beaten a giant. There will be great suffering in Gilder if she dies. [Scene: Along a hilltop] Dread Pirate Roberts: Catch your breath. Buttercup: If you'll release me, whatever you ask for ransom, you'll get it, I promise you. Dread Pirate Roberts: < laughs > And what is that worth, the promise of a woman? You're very funny, Highness. Buttercup: I was giving you a chance. It does not matter where you take me. There is no greater hunter than Prince Humperdinck. He can track a falcon on a cloudy day. He can find you. Dread Pirate Roberts: You think your dearest love will save you? Buttercup: I never said he was my dearest love, and yes, he will save me. That I know. Dread Pirate Roberts: You admit to me that you do not love your fiance. Buttercup: He knows I do not love him. Dread Pirate Roberts: Are not capable of love is what you mean. Buttercup: I have loved more deeply than a killer like yourself could ever dream. Dread Pirate Roberts: < almost slaps her > That was a warning, Highness. The next time my hand flies on its own, for where I come from, there are penalties when a woman lies. [Scene: At the Table. Humperdinck sniffs at vial] Humperdinck:Iocane. I'd bet my life on it. And there are the princess's footprints. She's alive, or was an hour ago. If she is otherwise when I find her, I shall be very put out. [Scene: Grassy Hilltop, alongside a gully] Dread Pirate Roberts: Rest, Highness. Buttercup: I know who you are. Your cruelty reveals everything. You're the dread pirate Roberts, admit it! Dread Pirate Roberts: < bowing > With pride. What can I do for you? Buttercup: You can die slowly, cut into a thousand pieces. Dread Pirate Roberts: Tsk-tsk-tsk. Hardly complimentary, your Highness. Why loose your venom on me? Buttercup: You killed my love. Dread Pirate Roberts: It's possible. I kill a lot of people. Who was this love of yours? Another prince like this one, ugly, rich, and scabby? Buttercup: No. A farm boy. Poor. Poor and perfect. With eyes like the sea after a storm. On the high seas, your ship attacked. And the dread pirate Roberts never takes prisoners. Dread Pirate Roberts: I can't afford to make exceptions. I mean once word leaks out that a pirate has gone soft, people begin to disobey you and it's nothing but work, work, work all the time. Buttercup: You mock my pain! Dread Pirate Roberts: Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something. [pause] I remember this farm boy of yours, I think. This would be what, five years ago? Does it bother you to hear? Buttercup: Nothing you can say will upset me. Dread Pirate Roberts: He died well. That should please you. No bribe attempts or blubbering. He simply said, "Please... please, I need to live." It was the "please" that caught my memory. I asked him what was so important for him here. "True Love", he replied. And then he spoke of a girl of surpassing beauty and faithfulness. I can only assume he meant you. You should bless me for destroying him before he found out what you really are. Buttercup: And what am I? Dread Pirate Roberts: Faithfulness he talked of, madame, your enduring fathfulness. Now tell me truly, when you found out he was gone, did you get engaged to your prince that same hour, or did you wait a whole week out of respect for the dead? Buttercup: You mocked me once. Never do it again! I died that day! [pause] And you can die too for all I care! [Buttercup pushes Roberts down the hill] Dread Pirate Roberts: < rolling > As... you... wish!! Buttercup: Oh my sweet Westley, what have I done? [Buttercup jumps down the hill, rolling after him] [Scene: Hilltop. Humperdinck and Soldiers are mounted.] Humperdinck:He disappeared. He must have seen us closing in. It might account for his panicking into error. Unless I am wrong, and I am never wrong, they are headed dead into the fire swamp. [Scene: Gully. Roberts lost his mask on the roll down.] Westley: Can you move at all? Buttercup: Move? You're alive! If you want I can fly. Westley: I told you I would always come for you. Why didn't you wait for me? Buttercup: Well, you were dead. Westley: Death cannot stop True Love. All it can do is delay it for a while. Buttercup: I will never doubt again. Westley: [quietly] There will never be a need. < they kiss > [Scene: Boy's bedroom] Grandson: Aw, no. No, please. Grandfather:What is it? What's the matter? Grandson: They're kissing again. Do we have to hear the kissing part? Grandfather:Someday, you may not mind so much. Grandson: Skip on to the fire swamp. That sounded good. Grandfather:Oh. You're sick, I'll humor you. So now...where were we? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh...okay. "Westley and Buttercup raced along the ravine floor." [Scene: Ravine floor. Ahead looms the dark of the Fire Swamp] Westley: Ha! Your pig fiance is too late. A few more steps and we'll be safe in the fire swamp. Buttercup: We'll never survive. Westley: Nonsense. You're only saying that because no one ever has. [Scene: Inside the Fire Swamp] Westley: It's not that bad. [pause] Well, I'm not saying I'd like to build a summer home here, but the trees are actually quite lovely. [they walk] [There is a series of thumping sounds approaching Buttercup. A Flame Spout appears beside her] Buttercup: < screams > [Her gown catches fire. Westley smothers it] Westley: Well now, that was an adventure. Singed a bit, were you? Buttercup: < shakes head > You? Westley: < shakes head > Well, one thing I will say. The fire swamp certainly does keep you on your toes. This will all soon be but a happy memory. ---Roberts' ship Revenge, and I came at the far end. And I, as you know, am Roberts. Buttercup: But how is that possible, since he's been maurauding twenty years, and you only left me five years ago? Westley: I myself am often surprised at life's little quirks. See, what I told you before about saying "please" was true. It intrigued Roberts, as did my descriptions of your beauty. Finally, Roberts decided something. He said, "All right Westley, I've never had a valet, you can try if you'd like. I'll most likely kill you in the morning." Three years he said that. "Good night Westley. Good work. Sleep well. I'll most likely kill you in the morning." It was a fine time for me. I was learning to fence, fight, anything anyone would teach me. And Roberts and I eventually became friends. And then it happened. Buttercup: What? Go on. Westley: Well, Roberts had grown so rich, he wanted to retire. So he took me to his cabin, and told me his secret. "I am not the Dread Pirate Roberts", he said. "My name is Ryan. I inherited the ship from the previous dread pirate Roberts, just as you will inherit it from me. The man I inherited it from was not the real dread pirate Roberts either. His name was Cummerbund. The real Roberts has been retired fifteen years and living like a king in Patagonia." Thank you. Then he explained that the name was the important thing for inspiring the necessary fear. You see, no one would surrender to the dread pirate Westley. So we sailed ashore, took on an entirely new crew, and he stayed aboard for a while as first mate, all the time calling me Roberts. Once the crew believed, he left the ship, and I have been Roberts ever since. Except now that we're together, I shall retire and hand the name over to someone else. Is everything clear to you? Buttercup: < doubtfully nods head > [She steps into a patch of Lightning Sand, and promptly disappears] Westley: [Westley cuts a vine, and dives in after her] Buttercup and Westley: < gasp!! cough!!! > Buttercup: We'll never succeed. We may as well die here. Westley: No, no. We have already succeeded. I mean, what are the three terrors of the fire swamp? One, the flame spurt. No problem. There's a popping sound preceding each, we can avoid that. Two, the lightning sand, but you were clever enough to discover what that looks like, so in the future we can avoid that too. Buttercup: Westley, what about the R.O.U.S's? Westley: Rodents Of Unusual Size? I don't think they exist. [A large R.O.U.S appears and pounces onWestley] Aarrggghhh!!! Buttercup: Westley!! Westley: Arr! Aarrrggghhh!! [Fight/Wrestling - Westley vs. R.O.U.S. Flame Spurt appears, igniting the fur of the rodent. Westley stabs it] Rodent: Brawr rawr rawr! Arouw! [Scene: Outside the Fire Swamp, in a lightly wooded area] Buttercup: We did it. Westley: Now, was that so terrible? Humperdinck:Surrender! Westley: You mean you wish to surrender to me? Very well, I accept. Humperdinck:I give you full marks for bravery. Don't make yourself a fool. Westley: Ah, but how will you capture us? We know the secrets of the fire swamp. We can live there quite happily for some time, so whenever you feel like dying, feel free to visit. Humperdinck:I tell you once again, surrender! Westley: It will not happen. Humperdinck:For the last time, surrender! Westley: Death first!! Buttercup: Will you promise not to hurt him? Humperdinck:What was that? Westley: What was that? Buttercup: If we surrender and I return with you, will you promise not to hurt this man? Humperdinck:May I live a thousand years and never hunt again. Buttercup: He is a sailor on the pirate ship Revenge. Promise to return him to his ship. Humperdinck:I swear it will be done. Once we're out of sight, take him back to Florin and throw him in the Pit of Despair. Count Rugen:I swear it will be done. Buttercup: < to Westley > I thought you were dead once and it almost destroyed me. I could not bear it if you died again, not when I could save you. Count Rugen:< to Westley > Come, sir, we must get you to your ship. [pause] Westley: We are men of action. Lies do not become us. Count Rugen:Well spoken, sir. [Westley notices Rugen's hand] What is it? Westley: You have six fingers on your right hand. Someone was looking for you. [Rugen knocksWestley cold] [Scene: Pit of Despair. Westley is strapped to a table, in front of a Large machine that consists of a waterwheel, levers, pumps etc. An Albino is tending to Westley's wounds] Westley: Where am I? Albino: [menacing voice] The Pit of Despair. Don't even think- - < cough, gasp! > [normal voice] Don't even think about trying to escape. The chains are far too thick. And don't dream of being rescued, either. The only way in is secret, and only the prince, the count, and I know how to get in and out. Westley: Then I'm here till I die? Albino: Till they kill you, yeah. Westley: Then why bother curing me? Albino: [sighs] The prince and the count always insist on everyone being healthy before they're broken. Westley: So it's to be torture then? < Albino nods head > I can cope with torture < Albino shakes head > Don't believe me? Albino: You survived the fire swamp, you must be very brave, but nobody withstands The Machine. [Scene: In the castle, Humperdinck watches a melancholy Buttercup] Humperdinck:She's been like that ever since the fire swamp. It's my father's failing health that's upsetting her. Count Rugen:Of course. [Scene: Florin Market. Humperdinck addresses the crowd from the balcony] Grandfather:"The king died that very night, and before the following dawn, Buttercup and Humperdinck were married. And at noon she met her subjects again, this time as their queen." Humperdinck:My father's final words were:--- Grandson: Hold it, hold it, Grandpa. Y-you read that wrong. She doesn't marry Humperdinck, she married Westley. I'm just sure of it. After all that Westley did for her, if she didn't marry him, it wouldn't be fair. Grandfather:Well, who says life is fair? Where is that written? Life isn't always fair. Grandson: I'm telling you, you're messing up the story, now get it right! Grandfather:Do you want me to go on with this? Grandson: Yes. Grandfather:All right, then. No more interruptions. "At noon she met her subjects again, this time as their queen." Humperdinck:My father's final words were: "Love her as I loved her and there will be joy." I present to you your queen, Queen Buttercup! [Buttercup appears.] Ancient Booer: Boo! Boo! Boo! [The Booer moves to the front of the crowd] Buttercup: Why do you do this? Ancient Booer: Because you had love in your hands, and you gave it up. Buttercup: But they would have killed Westley if I hadn't done it. Ancient Booer: Your true love lives! And you marry another. True Love saved her in the fire swamp, and she treated it like garbage. And that's what she is, the queen of refuse. So bow down to her if you want, bow to her. Bow to the queen of slime, the queen of filth, the queen of putrescence. Boo! Boo! Rubbish! Filth! Slime! Muck! Boo! Boo! Boo! Buttercup: < gasp! > [Scene: Numperdinck's Office] Grandfather:"It was ten days till the wedding. The king still lived, but Buttercup's nightmares were growing steadily worse." Grandson: See? Didn't I tell you she'd never marry that rotten Humperdinck? Grandfather:Yes, you're very smart. Shut up. Buttercup: If it comes to this. I love Westley. I always have. I know now I always will. If you tell me I must marry you in ten days, please believe I will be dead by morning. Humperdinck:I could never cause you grief. Consider our wedding off. < to Rugen > You, uh, returned this Westley to his ship? Count Rugen:Yes. Humperdinck:Then we will simply alert him. Beloved, are you certain he still wants you? After all, it was you who did the leaving in the fire swamp. Not to mention that pirates are not known to be men of their words. Buttercup: My Westley will always come for me. Humperdinck:I suggest a deal. You write four copies of a letter. I'll send my four fastest ships, one in each direction. The dread pirate Roberts is always close to Florin this time of year. We'll run up the white flag and deliver your message. If Westley wants you, bless you both. If not, please consider me as an alternative to suicide. Are we agreed? Buttercup: < nods head > [Buttercup leaves. Segue to forest scene.] Count Rugen:< later > Your princess is really quite a winning creature. A trifle simple, perhaps, but her appeal is undeniable. Humperdinck:Oh, I know, the people are quite taken with her. It's odd, but when I hired Vizzini to have her murdered on our engagement day, I thought that was clever. But it's going to be so much more moving when I strangle her on our wedding night. Once Gilder is blamed, the nation will be truly outraged. They'll demand we go to war. [Scene: Forested area. Large trees. Rugen is searching a tree trunk] Count Rugen:Hmmm. Now where is that secret knot? It's impossible to find. Hah! Are you coming down into the Pit? Westley's got his strength back. I'm starting him on the Machine tonight. Humperdinck:Tyrone, you know how much I love watching you work, but I've got my country's 500th anniversary to plan, my wedding to arrange, my wife to murder, and Gilder to frame for it. I'm swamped! Count Rugen:Get some rest. If you haven't got your health, you haven't got anything. [Scene: Pit of Despair] Count Rugen:Beautiful, isn't it? Took me half a lifetime to invent it. I'm sure you've discovered my deep and abiding interest in pain. At present, I'm writing the definitive work on the subject, so I want you to be totally honest with me on how The Machine makes you feel. This being our first try, I'll use the lowest setting. [Rugen moves a lever from zero to one. Water starts flowing, powering the machine. Wesley writhes in pain.] As you know, the concept of the suction pump is centuries old. Well, really that's all this is except that instead of sucking water, I'm sucking life. I've just sucked one year of your life away. I might one day go as high as five, but I really don't know what that would do to you, so let's just start with what we have. What did this do to you? Tell me. And remember, this is for posterity, so be honest. How do you feel? Westley: < whimpers > Count Rugen:Interesting. [Scene: Humperdinck's Office] Yellin: Ahem! Humperdinck:Yellin. Yellin: Sire. Humperdinck:[motions Yellin to join him] As chief enforcer of all Florin, I trust you with this secret: killers from Gilder are infiltrating the Thieves' Forest and plan to murder my bride on our wedding night. Yellin: My spy network has heard no such news. [Buttercup appears at the door] Buttercup: Any word from Westley? Humperdinck:Too soon, my angel. Patience. Buttercup: He will come for me. Humperdinck:Of course. < to Yellin > She will not be murdered. On the day of the wedding, I want the Thieves' Forest emptied, and every inhabitant arrested. Yellin: Many of the thieves will resist. My regular enforcers will be inadequate. Humperdinck:FORM A BRUTE SQUAD, then. I want the Thieves' Forest emptied before I wed. Yellin: It won't be easy, sire. Humperdinck:Try ruling the world sometime. [Scene: Thieve's Forest. Brute Squad moving in and about huts] Grandfather:"The day of the wedding arrived. The brute squad had their hands full carrying out Humperdinck's orders." Yellin: Is everybody out? Assistant Brute: Almost. There's a Spaniard giving us some trouble. Yellin: Well you give him some trouble. Move. [Scene: Outside a hut. Inigo is sitting, nursing a bottle] Inigo: I am waiting for you, Vizzini. You told me to go back to the beginning. So I have. This is where I am, and this is where I will stay. I will not be moved. Assistant Brute: Ho there! Inigo: I do not budge. Keep your "Ho there". Assistant Brute: But the prince gave orders. Inigo: So did Vizzini. When the job went wrong he went back to the beginning. Well, this is where we got the job, so it's the beginning. And I am staying till Vizzini come. [Inigo swipes at Assitant with sword] Assistant Brute: You, brute, come here! [Fezzik comes over] Inigo: I am waiting for Vizzini. Fezzik: You surely are a meanie. Hello. Inigo: It's you. Fezzik: Who? You don't look so good. Inigo: Phbphbphbphbphbphbphbphbt! Fezzik: You don't smell so good either. Inigo: Perhaps no. I feel fine. Fezzik: Yeah? [Scene: Inside somewhere.] Grandfather:"Fezzik and Inigo were reunited. And as Fezzik nursed his inebriated friend back to health, he told Inigo of Vizzini's death and the existence of Count Rugen, the six-fingered man. Considering Inigo's lifelong search, he handled the news surprisingly well. [Inigo falls head first into a bowl of food] Fezzik took great care in reviving Inigo." [Fezzik dunks Inigo's head into two buckets in turn] Inigo: That's enough! That's enough! Where is this Rugen now, so I may kill him? Fezzik: He's with the prince, in the castle. But the castle gate is guarded by thirty men. Inigo: How many could you handle? Fezzik: [Counts on fingers] I don't think more than ten. Inigo: Leaving twenty for me. At my best I could never defeat that many. I need Vizzini to plan. I have no gift for strategy. Fezzik: But Vizzini's dead. Inigo: No, not Vizzini. I need the man in black. Fezzik: What? Inigo: Look, he bested you with strength, your greatness. He bested me with steel. He must have out-thought Vizzini. And a man who can do that can plan my castle onslaught any day. Let's go. Fezzik: Where? Inigo: To find the man in black, obviously. Fezzik: But we don't know where he is! Inigo: Don't bother me with trifles. After twenty years, at last my father's soul will be at peace. There will be blood tonight! [Scene: Humperdinck's office. Yellin enters.] Humperdinck:Rise and report. Yellin: The Thieves' Forest is emptied. Thirty men guard the castle gate. Humperdinck:Double it. My princess must be safe. Yellin: The gate has but one key, and I carry that. Humperdinck:Ahhh, my dulcet darling. Tonight, we marry. Tomorrow morning your men will escort us to Florin channel, where every ship in my armada waits to accompany us on our honeymoon. Buttercup: Every ship but your four fastest, you mean. [pause] Every ship but the four you sent. Humperdinck:Yes. Yes, of course. Naturally not those four. Yellin: Ahem. Your majesty. Buttercup: You never sent the ships. Don't bother lying. Doesn't matter. Westley will come for me anyway. Humperdinck:You're a silly girl. Buttercup: Yes, I am a silly girl, for not having seen sooner that you are nothing but a coward with a heart full of fear. Humperdinck:I would not say such things if I were you. Buttercup: Why not? You can't hurt me. Westley and I are joined by the bonds of love. And you cannot track that, not with a thousand bloodhounds. And you cannot break it, not with a thousand swords. And when I say you are a coward, that is only because you are the slimiest weakling ever to crawl the earth. Humperdinck:I would not say such things if I were you! [Scene: Pit of Despair. Humperdinck is over Westley] Humperdinck:You truly love each other, and so you might have been truly happy. Not one couple in a century has that chance, no matter what the storybooks say. So I think no man in a century will suffer as greatly as you will. [Humperdinck takes the control of The Machine, and puts it to the highest setting] Count Rugen:Not to 50!!!! Westley: < assorted groans and wails > [Scene: Village road.] Inigo: Fezzik! Fezzik! Listen! Do you hear? That is the sound of ultimate suffering. My heart made that sound when Rugen slaughtered my father. The man in black makes it now. Fezzik: The man in black? Inigo: His true love is marrying another tonight, so who else has the cause for ultimate suffering? [They start moving through a crowd] Excuse me. Pardon me, it's important. Fezzik, please. [Fezzik stands up straight] Fezzik: Everybody MOVE!!! [the crowd parts] Inigo: Thank you. [Scene: Outside entrance to Pit of Despair. The two have stopped the Albino, who is pushing a wheelbarrow] Inigo: Where is the man in black? You get that from this grove, yes? Fezzik, jog his memory. Fezzik: < bonks Albino and leaves him out cold > I'm sorry, Inigo. I didn't mean to jog him so hard. Inigo? [Inigo draws his sword] Inigo: Father, I have failed you for twenty years. Now our misery can end. Somewhere, somewhere close by is a man who can help us. I cannot find him alone. I need you. I need you to guide my sword. Please, guide my sword. [Inigo stumbles around, led by the sword. The sword hits a tree. Inigo leans against the tree, pressing the hidden knot] [Scene: Pit of Despair] Fezzik: He's dead. Inigo: Is just not fair. [Scene: bedroom] Grandson: Grandpa, grandpa, wait. Wait, what did Fezzik mean "He's dead"? I mean, he didn't mean dead. Westley's only faking, right? Grandfather:You want me to read this or not? Grandson: Who gets Humperdinck? Grandfather:I don't understand. Grandson: Who kills Prince Humperdinck? At the end. Somebody's got to do it. Is it Inigo, who? Grandfather:Nobody. Nobody kills him. He lives. Grandson: You mean he wins? Jesus, Grandpa, what did you read me this thing for? Grandfather:You know, you've been very sick and you're taking this story very seriously. I think we better stop now. Grandson: No, I'm okay. I'm okay. Sit down. I'm all right. Grandfather:Okay. All right. Now let's see, where were we. Ohhh, yes. In the Pit of Despair. [Scene: Pit of Despair] Inigo: Well, the Montoyas have never taken defeat easily. Come along, Fezzik. Bring the body. Fezzik: The body? Inigo: Have you any money? Fezzik: I have a little. Inigo: I just hope it's enough to buy a miracle, that's all. [Scene: Outside a Thatched hut] [Inigo knocks on the door. A face appears] Miracle Max:Go away. What, what? Inigo: Are you the Miracle Max who worked for the king all those years? Miracle Max:The king's stinking son fired me. And thank you so much for bringing up such a painful subject. While you're at it, why don't you give me a nice paper cut and pour lemon juice on it? We're closed. [knocking] Beat it, or I'll call the brute squad! Fezzik: I'm on the brute squad. Miracle Max:You are the brute squad. Inigo: We need a miracle. It's very important. Miracle Max:Look, I'm retired. And besides, why would you want someone the king's stinking son fired? I might kill whoever you wanted me to miracle. Inigo: He's already dead. Miracle Max:He is, huh? I'll take a look. Bring him in. [pause. Holds up arm.] [They enter. Westley is laid on the table. Max examines him] I've seen worse. Inigo: Sir...sir?? Miracle Max:Huh? Inigo: We're in a terrible rush. Miracle Max:Don't rush me, sonny. You rush a miracle man, you get rotten miracles. You got money? Inigo: Sixty-five. Miracle Max:Sheesh! I never worked for so little. Except once, and that was a very noble cause. Inigo: This is noble sir. His wife is... crippled. The children are on the brink of starvation. Miracle Max:Are you a rotten liar! Inigo: I need him to help avenge my father, murdered these twenty years. Miracle Max:Your first story was better. Where's that bellows crammed? He probably owes you money, huh? Well, I'll ask him. Inigo: He's dead. He can't talk. Miracle Max:Hoo hoo hoo! Look who knows so much, heh? Well, it just so happens that your friend here is only mostly dead. There's a big difference between mostly dead and all dead. Please, open his mouth. Now, mostly dead is slightly alive. Now, all dead...well, with all dead, there's usually only one thing you can do. Inigo: What's that? Miracle Max:Go through his clothes and look for loose change. [Max puts the bellows to Westley's mouth, and blows air in.] Hey! Hello in there! Hey! What's so important? What you got here that's worth living for? Westley: T-R-U-E L-O-V-E. Inigo: "True Love", you heard him? You could not ask for a more noble cause than that. Miracle Max:Yeah, True Love is the greatest thing in the world, except for a nice MLT---mutton, lettuce and tomato sandwich, when the mutton is nice and lean, and the tomato is ripe. < makes puckering sound > They're so perky. I love that. But that's not what he said---he distinctly said "To blave" and as we all know, to blave means to bluff, heh? So you were probably playing cards, and he cheated-- [A withered lady storms into the room] Valerie: Liar! Liar! Liar! Miracle Max:Get back, witch! Valerie: I'm not a witch, I'm your wife, but after what you just said, I'm not even sure I want to be that anymore. Miracle Max:You never had it so good. Valerie: True Love, he said "True Love", Max. Miracle Max:Not another word, Valerie. Valerie: He's afraid. Ever since Prince Humperdinck fired him, his confidence is shattered. Miracle Max:Why'd you say that name? You promised me that you would never say that name! Valerie: What, Humperdinck? Miracle Max:Aaaigh! Valerie: Humperdinck! Humperdinck! Humperdinck! Humperdinck! Humperdinck! Humperdinck! Humperdinck! Humperdinck! Humperdinck! Humperdinck! Miracle Max:I'm not listening. Valerie: You're life's expiring, and you don't have the decency to say why you won't help. Miracle Max:Nobody's hearing nothing! Valerie: Humperdinck! Humperdinck! Humperdinck! Humperdinck! Inigo: This is Buttercup's True Love. If you heal him, he will stop Humperdinck's wedding. Miracle Max:Enough! Wait, wait. I make him better, Humperdinck suffers? Inigo: Humiliations galore. Miracle Max:Ha ha ha! I'm gonna lick the dalmation! That is a noble cause. Gimme the sixty-five. I'm on the job. Valerie: Hoo-woo! [Scene of Valerie coating the pill with chocolate] Inigo: That a miracle pill? Valerie: The chocolate coating makes it go down easier, but you have to wait fifteen minutes for full potency, and he shouldn't go in swimming after for at least-- Miracle Max:An hour-- Valerie: Yeah, an hour-- Miracle Max:A good hour. Inigo: Thank you for everything. Miracle Max:Okay. Valerie: Bye-bye, boys! Miracle Max:Have fun storming the castle! Valerie: Think it'll work? Miracle Max:It would take a miracle. Miracle Max and Valerie: Bye-bye!! [Scene: Atop a battlement overlooking the gate.] Fezzik: Inigo, there's more than thirty! Inigo: What's the difference? We've got him. Help me here. We'll have to force-feed him. Fezzik: Has it been fifteen minutes? Inigo: We can't wait. The wedding's in half an hour. We must strike in the hustle and the bustle beforehand. Tilt his head back. Open his mouth. Fezzik: How long do we have to wait, before if we know the miracle works? Inigo: Your guess is as good as mine. Westley: I'll beat you two apart! I'll take you both together! Fezzik: I guess not very long. Westley: Why won't my arms move? Fezzik: You've been mostly dead all day. Inigo: We had Miracle Max make a pill to bring you back. Westley: Who are you? Are we enemies? Why am I on this wall? Where's Buttercup? Inigo: Let me explain. No, there is too much. Let me sum up. Buttercup is marry Humperdinck in little less than half an hour, so all we have to do is get in, break up the wedding, steal the princess, make our escape, after I kill Count Rugen. Westley: That doesn't leave much time for dilly-dallying. Fezzik: You just wiggled your finger! That's wonderful! Westley: I've always been a quick healer. What are our liabilities? Inigo: There is but one working castle gate. And it is guarded by... sixty men. Westley: And our assets? Inigo: Your brains, Fezzik's strength, my steel. Westley: That's it? Impossible. If I had a month to plan, maybe I could come up with something, but this...< shakes head > Fezzik: You just shook your head! That doesn't make you happy? Westley: My brains, your strength, and his steel against sixty men, and you think a little head jiggle is supposed to make me happy? Hmmmm? I mean, if we only had a wheelbarrow, that would be something. Inigo: Where did we put that wheelbarrow the albino had? Fezzik: With the albino, I think. Westley: Why didn't you list that among our assets in the first place? What I wouldn't give for a holocaust cloak. Inigo: There we cannot help you. Fezzik: Would this do? Inigo: Where did you get that? Fezzik: At Miracle Max's. It fit so nice, he said I could keep it. Westley: All right, all right. Come on, help me up. Now I'll need a sword eventually. Inigo: Why? You can't even lift one. Westley: True, but that's hardly common knowledge, is it? Thank you. Now, there may be problems once we're inside. Inigo: I'll say. Namely, how do I find the Count? Once I do, how do I find you again? Once I find you again, how do I escape? Fezzik: Don't pester him. He's had a hard day. Inigo: Right. Right. Sorry. Fezzik: Inigo? Inigo: What? Fezzik: I hope we win. Humperdinck:You don't seem excited, my little muffet. Buttercup: Should I be? Humperdinck:Brides often are, I'm told. Buttercup: I do not marry tonight. My Westley will save me. [scene: chapel] Impressive Clergyman: Mawwage. Mawwage is what bwings us togethew today. Mawwage, that bwessed awwangement, that dweam within a dweam. Voice: [distant] Stand your ground, men, stand your ground! [scene: outside the castle gate] Stand your ground! Fezzik: I am the dread pirate Roberts! There will be no survivors! Inigo: Now? Westley: Not yet. Fezzik: Many are here, I am here. But soon, you will not be here. Inigo: Now? Westley: Light him. Fezzik: The dread pirate Roberts takes no survivors! All your worst nightmares are about to come true! [chapel] Impressive Clergyman: And wove, twue wove, wiww fowwow you fowevah-- [outside] Fezzik: The dread pirate Roberts is here for your souls! Voice: Stay where you are! Fight! Stay where you are! [chapel] Impressive Clergyman: So tweasuwe youw wove, -- Humperdinck:Skip to the end. Clergyman: Have you the wing? Buttercup: Here comes my Westley now. [outside] Westley: Fezzik, the portcullis! [chapel] Humperdinck:Your Westley is dead. I killed him myself. Buttercup: Then why is there fear behind your eyes? [outside] Westley: Give us the gate key. Yellin: I have no gate key. Inigo: Fezzik, tear his arms off. Yellin: Oh, you mean this gate key. [chapel] Impressive Clergyman: And do you, Pwincess Buwwercwup,-- Humperdinck:Man and wife! Say man and wife!! Impressive Clergyman: Man and wife. Humperdinck:Escort the bride to the honeymoon suite. I'll be there shortly. Buttercup: He didn't come. [castle corridor] Count Rugen:Kill the dark one and the giant, but leave the third for questioning. Inigo: Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die. < Rugen runs away behind a locked door > Fezzik!!!!!! I need you!!!!! Fezzik: I can't leave him alone. Inigo: He's getting away from me, Fezzik!!! Please!!! Arr!!! Fezzik!!! Aaargh!! Fezzik: I'll be right back. Inigo: Arr! Arrgh!< Fezzik breaks door down > Thank you. [a different corridor] King: Strange wedding. Queen: Yes. A very strange wedding. Come along. King: < Buttercup kisses him > What was that for? Buttercup: Because you've always been so kind to me, and I won't be seeing you again, since I'm killing myself once we reach the honeymoon suite. King: Won't that be nice? She kissed me! < laughs > [castle stairway to cellar dining room] Inigo: Sorry, father. I tried. I tried. Count Rugen:You must be that little Spanish brat I taught a lesson to all those years ago. Simply incredible. Have you been chasing me your whole life, only to fail now? I think that's the worst thing I've ever heard. How marvelous. [honeymoon suite] Westley: There's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. 'Twould be a pity to damage yours. Buttercup: Westley! Oh, Westley darling! Westley, why won't you hold me? Westley: Gently. Buttercup: At a time like this, that's all you can think to say, "gently"? Westley: Gently! < thumps head > Urr! [downstairs] Count Rugen:Good heavens. Are you still trying to win? You've got an overdeveloped sense of vengeance. It's going to get you into trouble someday. Inigo: Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die. Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die. Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die. Count Rugen:Stop saying that! Inigo: Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die. Count Rugen:No! Inigo: Offer me money! Count Rugen:Yes! Inigo: Power, too. Promise me that! Count Rugen:All that I have and more! Please! Inigo: Offer me everything I ask for! Count Rugen:Anything you want. Inigo: I want my father back, you son of a bitch. < kills him > [honeymoon suite] Buttercup: Oh, Westley, will you ever forgive me? Westley: What hideous sin have you committed lately? Buttercup: I got married. I didn't want to. It all happened so fast. Westley: Never happened. Buttercup: What? Westley: Never happened. Buttercup: But it did. I was there. This old man said "man and wife". Westley: Did you say "I do"? Buttercup: Uh, no. We sort of skipped that part. Westley: Then you're not married. If you didn't say it, you didn't do it. Wouldn't you agree, Your Highness? Humperdinck:A technicality that will shortly be remedied. But first things first. To the death. Westley: No! To the pain. Humperdinck:I don't think I'm quite familiar with that phrase. Westley: I'll explain. And I'll use small words so that you'll be sure to understand, you warthog-faced buffoon. Humperdinck:That may be the first time in my life a man has dared insult me. Westley: It won't be the last. To the pain means the first thing you will lose will be your feet below the ankles. Then your hands at the wrists, next your nose. Humperdinck:And then my tongue, I suppose. I killed you too quickly the last time, a mistake I don't mean to duplicate tonight. Westley: I wasn't finished. The next thing you will lose will be your left eye, followed by your right. Humperdinck:And then my ears, I understand, let's get on with it. Westley: Wrong! Your ears you keep, and I'll tell you why. So that every shriek of every child at seeing your hideousness will be yours to cherish. Every babe that weeps at your approach, ever woman who cries out "Dear God, what is that thing?" will echo in your perfect ears. That is what "to the pain" means. It means I leave you in anguish, wallowing in freakish misery for ever. Humperdinck:I think you're bluffing. Westley: It's possible, pig. I might be bluffing. It's conceivable, you miserable vomitous mass, I'm only lying here because I lack the strength to stand. Then again, perhaps I have the strength after all. < he stands up > Drop... your... sword. < Humperdinck drops it > Have a seat. Tie him up. Make it as tight as you like. Humperdinck:Urr! Inigo: Where's Fezzik? Westley: I thought he was with you. Inigo: No. Westley: In that case, whooooa! Inigo: Help him. Buttercup: Why does Westley need helping? Inigo: Because he has no strength. Humperdinck:I knew it! I knew you were bluffing! I knew he was... bluffing. Inigo: Shall I dispatch him for you? Westley: Thank you, but no. Whatever happens to us, I want him to live a long life alone with his cowardice. Fezzik: Inigo! Inigo! Where are you? Oh, there you are. Inigo, I saw the prince's stable, and there they were, four white horses. And I thought, there are four of us, if we ever find the lady. Hello, lady! So I took them with me, in case we ever bumped into each other. I guess we just did. Inigo: Fezzik, you did something right. Fezzik: Don't worry, I won't let it go to my head. Inigo: You know, It's very strange. I have been in the revenge business so long, now that it's over, I don't know what to do with the rest of my life. Westley: Have you ever considered piracy? You'd make a wonderful dread pirate Roberts. [bedroom] Grandfather:"They rode to freedom. And as dawn arose, Westley and Buttercup knew they were safe. A wave of love swept over them. And as they reached for each other- -" Grandson: What? What? Grandfather:Naw, it's kissing again, you don't want to hear that. Grandson: Well, I don't mind so much. Grandfather:Okay. "Since the invention of the kiss, there have been five kisses that were rated the most passionate, the most pure. This one left them all behind. [pause as Buttercup and Westley kiss] The End." Now, I think you oughtta go to sleep. Grandson: Okay. Grandfather:All right. Okay. Okay. Okay. All right. So long. Grandson: Grandpa? [pause] Maybe you could come over and read it again to me tomorrow. Grandfather:As you wish. THE END -- _______________________________________________________________________________ Dennis Barbour | "It is not true that life is one damn Georgia Institute of Technology | thing after another -- it's one damn thing Internet: | over and over." --Edna St. Vincent Millay


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