Another Guide to Home Surgery (From Monty Python's +quot;The Brand New Monty Python Papper

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Another Guide to Home Surgery (From Monty Python's "The Brand New Monty Python Papperbok") ---------------------------------------------------------------- : To get a better visual image and to attempt to make this as : : funny as it is in the book, I should describe the page that : : this is taken from. There is a chart called 'The Home Sur- : : geon's Parts of the body guide' which consists of a crude : : stick figure with the following labels pointed to it: head, : : arms, legs, bronchus principalis, vena cava superior, vent- : : riculous dexter, ventriculus sinister, arteria pulmonalis, : : right atrioventricula orifice, costodiaphragmetre line of : : reflection of the right plura. : : : : The page is also splattered with blood (ok, it's red ink, : : but it's awfully convincing). : ---------------------------------------------------------------- Teach Yourself Surgery Introduced by A Famous Surgeon I am a famous surgeon. I am more famous than the night-nurse, and much more famous that the silly old anaesthetist, and I am far, far more famous than any hospital orderly or even a ward sister. I am more famous than most junior house doctors, and what's more, more famous than Matron or the Registrar, in his silly little office. In hospital terms I am, thus, very famous indeed. When compared to Stan the Batt I am also famous, and I am also famouser the R. Wilkes. I am probably now more famous than Lita Roza ever was, and, in terms of fame, I probably have the edge on Connie Francis as well. The Lesley Gore revival a year ago made her momentarily more faous than me, but now I am on equal terms of fame with her and Eve Boswell - and who's ever heard of Annette Funicello since 'Tall Paul?' In fame terms, compared to me, Annette Funicello rates about as high as a small hedge to a big tree. I doubt, myself, whether Annette Funicello would be famous as our anaesthetist, but this is only my own personal view. Now take Brenda Lee... Another famous surgeon carries on. I'm sorry about my colleague's endless preoccupation with female vocalists of the late fifties and sixties both here in Britain and in the United States. I prefer Country Music myself, but most of all I enjoy being a famous surgeon, and I am very pleased to have been asked to introduce this invaluable article on Teaching Yourself Surgery. First of all, there are some basic Do's and Don'ts which the home sugeon must remember: DO's 1) Do remember to tie off the ascending aorta well above the left ventricle when removing the heart. 2) Do remember to expose the periorbital fascia using a perforator and then a burr to make the opening through the orbitas and splenoid plates of the zygomatic bone. 3) Do not use a bread knife. DON'Ts 1) Remember to wear a hankie over your face (this should have been in the DO's) 2) Don't try heart-lung transplants if you're going out in the evening. 3) Don't treat me like a fool. 4) Don't attempt circumcisions after you've had a few. What you will need for home surgery Table, two chairs, glass of beer, 100W bulb, cotton-wool, forceps, swabs, waste paper basket, ashtray, sutures, long white coat (cricket flannels will do), breathing apparatus, sponge, blotting paper, absorbent lint, towel, old newspapers, greaseproof paper, a sharp knife, flour, 3 lb potatoes and a record player that takes 78s. Instructions N.B. It is very, very important that you follow these instructions. It may be your own kitchen table and your own grapefruit knife, but you are still dealing with Human Life. 1) Clear away the tea things. 2) Make absolutely certain (from the 'Parts Of The Body' Chart) that you know which bit you're going to work on. 3) Undress the patient. (There's nothing rude or dirty about this - surgeons do it all the time.) 4) Put the cat out. 5) Make the incision. 6) Oh, anaesthetise the patient . . . sorry. 7) Do the surgery. 8) If the cat's come in again - THROW IT OUT! 9) Stitch the patient up - often Granny or an aunt can be doing this while you're off having a drink. 10) Clear the table and lay the breakfast.

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