-The Witch Scene from Monty Python and the Holy Grail- Villager We have found a witch, may

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-----The Witch Scene from Monty Python and the Holy Grail----- Villager: We have found a witch, may we burn her? Crowd: BURN!! BUUUURN HER! Bedevere: But how do you *know* she is a witch? Villager: She looks like one! Other Villagers: Yeah! She looks like one!!! Bedevere: Bring her forward. (a young woman is pushed through the crowd of villagers to the platform. She is dressed all in black, has a carrot tied around her face on top of her nose, and a black paper hat on her head. She talks funny because her nose is closed by the carrot.) Witch: I'm not a witch, I'm not a witch! Bedevere: Er,...but you are dressed as one. Witch: THEY dressed me up like this. Villagers: No! nooo! We didn't! We didn't! Witch: And this isn't my nose, it's a false one! (Bedevere lifts up the carrot to reveal the woman's real nose, which is in fact rather small.) Bedevere: Well? ne Villager: Well, we did do the nose. Bedevere: The nose? Villager: And the Hat. But she's a witch! Villagers: Yeah! Burn her! Burn! Burn her! B: Did you dress her up like this? Villagers: NO! No, no, no, no, no, no... One Villager: yes. Villagers: yes. yes. yes. A bit. yes. a bit. a bit. Another Villager: (hopefully) She has got a wart... B: What makes you think she is a witch? Villager: Well, She turned me into a newt!! (pause) Bedevere: a newt? (long pause) Villager: I got better... Villagers: BURN HER anyway! BURN! BURN! BURN HER! B: Quiet, quiet, quiet, QUIETA There are ways of *telling* whether she is a witch! Villagers: Are there? What? Tell us, then! Tell us! B: Tell me. What do you do with witches? V: BUUUURN!!!!! BUUUUUURRRRNN!!!!! You BURN them!!!! BURN!! B: And what do you burn apart from witches? Villager: More Witches! Other Villager: Wood. B: So. Why do witches burn? (long silence) (shuffling of feet by the villagers) Villager: (tentatively) Because they're made of.....wood? B: Goooood! Other Villagers: oh yeah... oh.... B: So. How do we tell whether she is made of wood? One Villager: Build a bridge out of 'er! B: Aah. But can you not also make bridges out of stone? Villagers: oh yeah. oh. umm... B: Does wood sink in water? One Villager: No! No, no, it floats! Other Villager: Throw her into the pond! Villagers: yaaaaaa! (when order is restored) B: What also floats in water? Villager: Bread! Another Villager: Apples! Another Villager: Uh...very small rocks! Another Villager: Cider! Another Villager: Uh...great gravy! Another Villager: Cherries! Another Villager: Mud! Another Villager: Churches! Churches! Another Villager: Lead! Lead! King Arthur: A Duck! Villagers: (in amazement) ooooooh! B: exACTly! B: (to a villager) So, *logically*... Villager: (very slowly, with pauses between each word) If...she...weighs the same as a duck......she's made of wood. B: and therefore... (pause) Villager: A Witch! All Villagers: A WITCH! (they do consequently weigh her across from a duck on Bedevere's largest scale, and she does indeed weigh the same as the duck.)


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