+quot;Crunchy Frog+quot; by Monty Python Dramatis Personae I The Inspector H Mr. Hilton C

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9 "Crunchy Frog" by Monty Python Dramatis Personae: I: The Inspector H: Mr. Hilton C: The Constable I: 'Ello! H: 'Ello? I: Mister 'ilton? H: Yes? I: You are the sole owner and proprietor of the Wizzo Chocolate Company? H: I am, yes. I: Constable Clitoris and I are from the Aegin (?) Squad, and we'd like to have a word with you about your box of chocolates entitled the "Wizzo Quality Assortment". H: Oh, yes, hm... I: If I may begin at the beginning. First, there is the Cherry Fondue. Now this is extremely nasty, but we can't prosecute you for that. H: Agreed. I: Then we have Number Four, Number Four: "Crunchy Frog". H: Ah, yes? I: Am I right in thinking there's a real frog in 'ere? H: Yes, a little one. I: What sort of frog?? H: A... dead frog. I: Is it cooked?? H: We use only the finest baby frogs, dew-picked and flow from Iraq, cleansed in the finest quality spring water, lightly killed, and sealed in a succulent Swiss quintuple-smooth treble-milk chocolate envelope, and lovingly frosted with glucose. I: That's as may be, but it's still a frog! H: What else? I: Well, don't you even take the bones out?? H: If we took the bones out, it wouldn't be crunchy, would it? I: Constable Clitoris et one of those! C: Er, would you excuse me a moment, sir? (Constable exits quickly) I: We have to protect the public! People aren't going to think there's a real frog in chocolate! Constable Clitoris thought it was an almond whirl! They're bound to think it's some sort of mock frog! H: Mock frog?! We use no artificial additives or preservatives of any kind! (Constable re-enters) I: Nevertheless, I advise you in future to replace the words "Crunchy Frog" with the legend "Crunchy Raw Unboned REAL DEAD FROG," if you want to avoid prosecution! H: What about our sales? I: Fuck your sales! We gotta protect the public! Now what about this one, Number Five, it was Number Five, wasn't it? Number Five: "Ram's Bladder Cup." Now, what kind of confection is that? H: We use only the finest, juicy chunks of fresh Cornish ram's bladder, emptied, steamed, flavored with sesame seeds, whipped into a fondue, and garnished with lark's vomit. I: Lark's vomit?! H: Correct. I: It doesn't say anything here about lark's vomit!! H: Ah, it does, at the bottom of the label, after monosodium glutamate! I: I hardly think that's good enough! I think it would be more appropriate if the box bore a big red label, "WARNING: LARK'S VOMIT!" H: Our sales would plummit! I: Well why don't you move into more conventional areas of confectionry!! Like praline, or lime cream, a very popular flavor I'm lead to understand, or raspberry light! And then what's this one, what's this one... 'ere we are: "Cockroach Cluster"! C: Mmrr... I: "Anthrax Ripple"! C: Mmruruuooooo.... *splat* { For those of you listening at home, the young constable has just thrown up into his helmet. This is the longest continuous vomit seen on Broadway since John Barrymore puked over Laertes in the second act of Hamlet, in 1941. } I: And what's this one: "Spring Surprise"! H: Ah, that's one of our specialities. Covered in dark, velevty chocolate, when you pop it in your mouth, stainless-steel bolts spring out and plunge straight through both cheeks! I: Well, where's the pleasure in that?! If people pop a nice little chocky in their mouth, they don't expect to get their cheeks pierced! In any case, it is an inadequate description of the sweetmeat. I shall have to ask you to accompany me to the station. H: It's a fair cop. I: And don't talk to the audience!


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