The Bookshop Sketch - from Monty Python at the Hollywood Bowl Customer (entering the books

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*** The Bookshop Sketch - from Monty Python at the Hollywood Bowl *** Customer: (entering the bookshop) Good morning. Proprietor: Good morning, sir. Can I help you? C: Er, yes. Do you have a copy of "Thirty Days in the Samarkind Desert with the Duchess of Kent" by A. E. J. Eliott, O.B.E.? P: Ah, well, I don't know the book, sir... C: Er, never mind, never mind. How about "A Hundred and One Ways to Start a Fight"? P: ...By? C: An Irish gentleman whose name eludes me for the moment. P: Ah, no, well we haven't got it in stock, sir.... C: Oh, well, not to worry, not to worry. Can you help me with "David Coperfield"? P: Ah, yes, Dickens. C: No.... P: (pause) I beg your pardon? C: No, Edmund Wells. P: I... *think* you'll find Charles Dickens wrote "David Copperfield", sir.... C: No, no, Dickens wrote "David Copperfield" with *two* Ps. This is "David Coperfield" with *one* P by Edmund Wells. P: "David Coperfield" with one P? C: Yes, I should have said. P: Yes, well in that case we don't have it. C: (peering over counter) Funny, you've got a lot of books here.... P: (slightly perturbed) Yes, we do, but we don't have "David Coperfield" with one P by Edmund Wells. C: Pity, it's more thorough than the Dickens. P: More THOROUGH?!? C: Yes...I wonder if it might be worth a look through all your "David Copper- field"s... P: No, sir, all our "David Copperfield"s have two P's. C: Are you quite sure? P: Quite. C: Not worth just looking? P: Definitely not. C: Oh... how 'bout "Grate Expectations"? P: Yes, well we have that.... C: That's "G-R-A-T-E Expectations," also by Edmund Wells. P: (pause) Yes, well in that case we don't have it. We don't have anything by Edmund Wells, actually: he's not very popular. C: Not "Knickerless Knickleby"? That's K-N-I-C-K-E-R-L-E-S-S. P: (taciturn) No. C: "Khristmas Karol" with a K? P: (really quite perturbed) No.... C: Er, how about "A Sale of Two Titties"? P: DEFINITELY NOT. C: (moving towards door) Sorry to trouble you.... P: Not at all.... C: Good morning. P: Good morning. C: (turning around) Oh! P: (deep breath) Yesss? C: I wonder if you might have a copy of "Rarnaby Budge"? P: No, as I say, we're right out of Edmund Wells! C: No, not Edmund Wells - Charles Dikkens. P: (pause - eagerly) Charles Dickens?? C: Yes. P: (excitedly) You mean "Barnaby Rudge"! C: No, "Rarnaby Budge" by Charles Dikkens. That's Dikkens with two Ks, the well-known Dutch author. P: (slight pause) No, well we don't have "Rarnaby Budge" by Charles Dikkens with two Ks, the well-known Dutch author, and perhaps to save time I should add that we don't have "Karnaby Fudge" by Darles Chickens, or "Farmer of Sludge" by Marles Pickens, or even "Stickwick Stapers" by Farles Wickens with four M's and a silent Q!!!!! Why don't you try W. H. Smith's? C: Ah did, They sent me here. P: DID they. C: Oh, I wonder... P: Oh, do go on, please. C: Yes...I wonder if you might have "The Amazing Adventures of Captain Gladys Stoutpamphlet and her Intrepid Spaniel Stig Amongst the Giant Pygmies of Beckles"...volume eight. P: (after a pause for recovery) No, we don't have that...funny, we've got a lot of books here...well, I musn't keep you standing here...thank you, C: Oh, well do, do you have--

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