THE LIFE OF BRIAN SCRYPT aka Briag Skrypt

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****************************************************** ************** THE LIFE OF BRIAN SCRYPT ************** ************** aka Briag Skrypt ************** ****************************************************** ************** version 1.00 ************** ****************************************************** ************** Painfully Transcribed by ************** ************** sprooney@unix1.tcd.ie ************** ************** aka Noims ************** ****************************************************** ************** Totally exact ************** ************** (as far as I know) ************** ****************************************************** ************** )C( Copywrong ************** ************** Late at night, 1992 ************** ****************************************************** Firstly, a note on the format. If you think this is part of the film, you don't deserve to even read this... go see it again/first. All stuff in the left 8 Chars are peeps names. I've made up names for some of them, so don't think they're real or anything. All stuff in square brackets (ie. []) are actions. All stuff in curly brackets (ie. {}) are my own comments. All other stuff is speech (so whoopee fuckin' doo!!!) All spelling mistakes are on purpose, whether I know about them or not. All mistakes are also known by me, and were included to test you readers. All grammar mistakes (esp. in languages other than Merlinese (see below) are also more difficult tests. All above and below conditions assume the reader is literate. Any corrections should be mailed to me or my next of kin (depending on my current state of decay). No poofters! Thanx are due only to Alexis Donnelly, Vinny Cahill, and Brendan Tangney for providing a good reason for me to finish this (ie. the alternative is work). I suppose I should thank a Mr. M. Python for providing the original words. Mhol na daoine Bu/bo/nach o/n Ifreann ce/ maith Gne/as le Lacha. This was written solely on an Acorn Archimedes, coz the alternatives were a TRS-80, and a PC . Send any lawsuits to Bruce@philosophy.walamaloo.au!!! Eat and enjoy, citizen. NB/ Mail me corrections, with the title: "Briag (v1) corrections", and include only the corrected line , and its position in the film (ie. tell me wot scene it's from.) If there's lots of corrections in one place, mail me the entire corrected version, orroit? Any substantial corrections will be credited in Briag V1.1 ***************************************************************************** LIFE OF BRIAN , MONTY PYTHON 1979 ***************************************************************************** --[Beneath a starry sky and angelic music ride three men (wm1, wm2, and (you guessed it) WM3) on camels. One particularly bright star comes to rest over the village of Bethlehem. The Men ride through this village in silence until they reach a lowly cow-shed, when they dismount, and enter carrying gifts. Inside sits an oldish woman (MC - abbreviated from Mrs. Cohen) beside a manger containing a new-born child (Brian). Neither notice such a rude intrusion. The men approach, still unnoticed until they are quite close to MC where they stop.] --[WM1 - gold covers face. WM2 - white beard. WM3 - Short black beard] WISE MAN 1 Ahem MRS. COHEN Waaah! --[MC falls off her seat in surprise] Who are you? WISE MAN 1 We are 3 wise men MRS. COHEN What? WISE MAN 2 We are 3 wise men MRS. COHEN Well what are you doing creeping around a cow shed at 2 O'clock in the morning. That doesn't sound very wise to me. WISE MAN 3 We are astrologers. WISE MAN 1 We have come from the east. WISE MAN 2 Is this some kind of joke? WISE MAN 1 We wish to praise the infant. WISE MEN We must pay homage to him. MRS. COHEN Homage? You're drunk. It's disgusting. Out. The lot, out. Bursting in here with tales about oriental fortune tellers. Come on, out. --[The three look quite confused at this reception, but back away all the same.] WISE MAN 1 No, no, we must see him. MRS. COHEN Go and praise someone else's brat. Go on. WISE MAN 1 We, we were led by a star. MRS. COHEN Lead by a bottle more like, go on out. WISE MAN 1 But we must see him, we have brought presents. MRS. COHEN Out. WISE MAN 1 Gold, frankincense, myrrh. --[MC of course beckons them in at the mention of these gifts. Well, wouldn't you?] MRS. COHEN Well why didn't you say, he's over there. Sorry the place is a bit of a mess. Well, what is myrrh anyway? WISE MAN 1 It is a valuable balm. MRS. COHEN A balm, what are you giving him a balm for, it might bite 'im. WISE MAN 1 What? MRS. COHEN That's a dangerous animal. Quick, throw it in the trough. WISE MAN 1 No it isn't. MRS. COHEN Yes it is, it's great big --[MC drastically changes her appearance to look like a great big ] WISE MAN 3 No, no, no, it is an ointment MRS. COHEN Aw. There is an animal called a balm, or did I dream it? So you're astrologers are you? Well what is he then? WISE MAN 2 Hmm? MRS. COHEN What star sign is he? WISE MAN 2 Uh. Capricorn. MRS. COHEN Uh. Capricorn, eh? What are they like? WISE MAN 2 He is the son of God, our messiah. WISE MAN 1 King of the Jews MRS. COHEN So that's Capricorn, is it? WISE MAN 2 No, no, no, that's just him. MRS. COHEN Aw. I was gonna say, otherwise there'd be a lot of them. WISE MAN 1 By what name are you calling him? MRS. COHEN Uh. Brian. WISE MEN We worship you, oh Brian who are lord over us all. Praise unto you Brian, and to the lord, our father. Amen. MRS. COHEN You do a lot of this then? WISE MAN 2 What? MRS. COHEN This praising. WISE MAN 2 No no, no no. MRS. COHEN Well, if you're dropping by again, do pop in, huh. And thanks a lot for the gold, and frankincense, but don't worry too much about the myrrh next time all right, huh? Thank you. Good bye. Well, weren't they nice, hmm. Out of their bloody minds, still... --[The wise men venture outside, and stop suddenly at the doorway. They then return to MC, and proceed to take back their presents, as she talks to Brian. WM3 pushes her back over as he takes his gift] Look at that, hoo hoo hoo. Here! Here! Here, that... That's mine! He, hey, he! Aw. --[To the sound of angelic music, we see the wise men outside where they can see another cow shed with a few people with strange bright light coming from their heads. The scene changes back to MC in the shed with her son.] BRIAN Waaah. MRS. COHEN Shaddup --[The feverish mind of Mr. Terry Gilliam takes over for the opening credits which I'm not even going to attempt to describe] Brian. The babe they call Brian He grew. Grew grew and grew, Grew up to be, grew up to be A boy called Brian A boy called Brian He had arms and legs and hands and feet This boy whose name was Brian And he grew, grew, grew and grew Grew up to be Yes he grew up to be A teenager called Brian A teenager called Brian And his face became spotty Yes, his face became spotty And his voice dropped down low And things started to grow On young Brian and show He was suddenly no No girl named Brian Not a girl named Brian And he started to shave And have one off the wrist And want to see girls And go out and get pissed A man called Brian This man called Brian The man they call Brian This man called Brian! --[We can see a group of people walking up a hillside to where a figure is standing on a mount oraculating] Captions: JUDEA A.D.33 SATURDAY AFTERNOON ABOUT TEA TIME JESUS How blessed are the sorrowful; they shall find consolation. How blessed are those of gentle spirit; they shall have the earth for their possession. How blessed are those who hunger, and thirst to see right prevail; They shall be satisfied... --[The camera slowly pulls back until Jesus can hardly be heard. Here we can see MC and Brian now 33 years old {she hasn't aged a bit, lucky her}] MRS. COHEN Speak up! BRIAN Ssssh. Quiet mum. MRS. COHEN Well I can't hear a thing. Let's go to stoning. --[We can now see a few group of people around the area... a man (Bignose), and his wife (Bn Wife); A Jew, and his wife; and a man I'm going to call 'Trouble' for reasons which shall soon become clear.] BIGNOSE Ssssh. BRIAN You can go to the stoning any time. MRS. COHEN Oh come on Brian. BIGNOSE Will you be quiet! BIGNOSE'S WIFE Don't pick yer nose. BIGNOSE I wasn't picking my nose. I was scratching it. BIGNOSE'S WIFE You was picking it... while you was talking to that lady. BIGNOSE I wasn't. BIGNOSE'S WIFE Leave it alone. Give it a rest. TROUBLE Do you mind? I can't hear a word he's saying. BIGNOSE'S WIFE Don't you 'Do you mind' me. I was talking to my husband. TROUBLE Well go and talk to him somewhere else... I can't hear a bloody thing. BIGNOSE Don't you swear at my wife. TROUBLE I was only asking her to shut up so I could hear what he was saying, Bignose. BIGNOSE'S WIFE Don't you call my husband Bignose. TROUBLE Well he has got a big nose. JEW Could you be quite, please. [To trouble:] What was that? TROUBLE I don't know... I was too busy talking to bignose. MAN I think it was 'Blessed are the cheese-makers'. JEW'S WIFE Ah. What's so special about the cheese-makers? JEW Well obviously it's not meant to be taken literally, it refers to any manufacturers of dairy products. TROUBLE See. If you hadn't been going on, we'd have heard that, Bignose. BIGNOSE Hey. Say that once more, I'll smash your bloody face in. TROUBLE Better keep listening. There might be a bit about blessed are the bignoses. BRIAN Oh lay off him. TROUBLE Well you're not so bad yourself, conch-face. Where are you two from? Nose city? BIGNOSE One more time, mate. I'll take you to the fuckin' cleaners. BIGNOSE'S WIFE Language... and don't pick your nose. BIGNOSE I wasn't going to pick my nose, I was going to thump him. MAN 2 Hear that? Blessed are the Greek. JEW The Greek? MAN 2 Well apparently, he's going to inherit the earth. JEW Did anyone catch his name? BIGNOSE'S WIFE You're not going to thump anybody. BIGNOSE I'll thump him if he calls me bignose again. TROUBLE Oh shut up Bignose. BIGNOSE Ah. All right. I warned you. I really will slug you so hard... --[Meanwhile his wife is talking to another man beside her getting the real story.] BIGNOSE'S WIFE Oh it's the Meek! Blessed are the meek! Oh that's nice isn't it. I'm glad they're getting something 'cause they have a hell of a time. TROUBLE Listen. I'm only telling the truth... you have got a very big nose. BIGNOSE Hey. Your nose is gonna be three ft wide across your face by the time I've finished with you. MAN Ssssh. TROUBLE Who hit yours then? Goliath's big brother? BIGNOSE Oh. Right. That's your last warning JEW'S WIFE Oh Do pipe down. [She abruptly gets hit in the face by Bignose!!] OH! --[A fight breaks out, which eventually involves a few people in the area] MRS. COHEN Oh come on...let's go to the stoning. BRIAN All right. --[Brian notices a group of people in black walking by him, including a rather attractive (to Brian) woman.] FRANCIS Well. Blessed is just about everyone with a vested interest in the status quo as far as I can tell, Reg. REG Yeah, well what Jesus blatantly fails to appreciate is it's the meek who are the problem. JUDITH Yes, yes. Absolutely Reg. Yes I see. MRS. COHEN Oh come on Brian, or they'll have stoned him before we get there. BRIAN All right. TROUBLE Hey. Get off her. That's disgusting. Stop trying to do that. They shouldn't have been here. <...> going on. it's the chap with the big nose's fault... he started it all. --[Brian and his mum walk along a path towards a shopkeeper (Shopkep) selling stones. A woman carrying a donkey is passing him.] MRS. COHEN Oh I hate wearing these beards. BRIAN Why aren't women allowed go to stonings, mum? MRS. COHEN It's written. That's why. SHOPKEEPER Pssst. Beard madam? [looking at the woman with the donkey, opening his cloak to reveal a number of fake beards] WOMAN Oh look, I ain't got time to go to no stonings... he's not well again. DONKEY Hee haw, hee haw. SHOPKEEPER Stone, sir? MRS. COHEN Nah. They've got them up there lying around on the ground. SHOPKEEPER Not like this sir. Look at this. Feel the quality of that. That's craftsmanship sir. MRS. COHEN Hmm. All right... We'll take two with points, and a big flat one. BRIAN Can I have a flat one mum? MRS. COHEN Ssssh. BRIAN Sorry, dad. MRS. COHEN Eh... All right. Two points, ah, two flats, and a packet of gravel. SHOPKEEPER Packet of gravel. Should be a good one this afternoon. MRS. COHEN Yeah? SHOPKEEPER Local boy. MRS. COHEN Oh. Good. SHOPKEEPER Enjoy yourselves. --[As Brian and his mum come over the top of a hill, they see a large number of people stoning some unfortunate. MC hurries Brian along to get to the next victim in time. When he is, we see that he crowd consists entirely of women wearing fake beards. An elder stands in front of the next prisoner holding a scroll as he waits for the crowd to settle down.] ELDER Mathias, son of Deuteronomy of Gath. MATHIAS [to a guard] Do I say yes? GUARD Yes. MATHIAS [To the elder] Yes. ELDER You have been found guilty by the elders of the town of uttering the name of our lord, and so as a BLASPHEMER... CROWD Ooooh. ELDER ...you are to be stoned to death. --[The crowd looks anxious to kill Mathias] MATHIAS Look. I'd had a lovely supper, and all I said to my wife was 'That piece of halibut was good enough for Jehovah'. CROWD Oooooooh! ELDER BLASPHEMY!!!! He said it again CROWD Yes, yes. ELDER Did you hear him? CROWD Yes, yes. WOMAN1 Really. --[There is a moment of silence as the elder thinks, after hearing the woman's voice.] ELDER Are there any women here today? CROWD [Guiltily] ELDER Very well. By virtue of the authority vested in me... --[One of the more impatient women throws a stone and hits MATHIAS on the head.] MATHIAS Oh lay off... we haven't started yet. ELDER Come on. Who threw that? Who threw that stone? Come on. CROWD She did, she did, he, he, he, him, him, him, he did. [Their voices drop as they realize their mistake.] WOMAN1 Sorry, I thought we'd started. {Said lovelyly.} ELDER Go to the back. There's always one, isn't there. Now where were we? MATHIAS Look, I don't think it ought to be blasphemy, just saying Jehovah. CROWD [Shocked] He said it again! Edler You're only making it worse for yourself. MATHIAS Making it worse? How could it be worse? Jehovah, Jehovah, Jehovah. CROWD Oooooooh! ELDER I'm warning you... If you say Jehovah once more... [A stone flys by and hits the elder.] Right. Who threw that? Come on. Who threw that? CROWD She did she did, he, him, him, him, him, him, him. ELDER Was it you? WOMAN2 Yes. ELDER Right... WOMAN2 Well you did say Jehovah. [She gets stoned {the blasphemer}] ELDER Stop, stop. Will you stop that... stop it. Now look. No-one is to stone anyone until I blow this whistle. Do you understand? Even, and I want to make this absolutely clear; even if they do say Jehovah. --[The shocked women stone the elder to death, ending in the dropping of a huge bolder on his fallen body.] WOMAN3 Good shot. --[One of the two Roman guards looks at the other, who shakes his head. They do nothing.] --[As a large statue is being brought into Jerusalem, Brian and MC walk home] BRIAN Have I got a big nose, Mum? MRS. COHEN Oh stop thinking about sex. BRIAN I wasn't. MRS. COHEN You're always on about it. Morning, noon, and night. Will the girls like this? Will the girls like that? Is it too big? Is it too small? --[A number of beggars sit by the side of the road begging. All seem sick apart from the one at the end. (The X-leper). They are pleading for money from a man riding a donkey.]] BEGGAR 1 Spare a sheckle... BEGGAR 2 God bless you, sir. LEPER1 Alms for a leper. LEPER2 Alms for a leper. EX-LEPER Alms for an ex-leper. Bloody donkey owners. All the same aren't they. Never have any change. Oh, here's a touch. --[Brian and his mum walk along the street.] Spare a talent for an old ex-leper. MRS. COHEN Buzz off. EX-LEPER [Still following] Spare a talent for an old ex-leper. MRS. COHEN A talent? That's more than he earns in a month. EX-LEPER Half a talent then. MRS. COHEN Now go away. EX-LEPER Come on, bignose. Let's haggle. BRIAN What? EX-LEPER All right. Cut the haggling . Say you open at one sheckle, I start at two thousand, we close about eighteen hundred. BRIAN No. EX-LEPER Seventeen-fifty? MRS. COHEN Go away. EX-LEPER Seventeen-fourty. MRS. COHEN Look. Will you leave him alone. EX-LEPER All right... two shekels. Just two. Isn't this fun, eh? MRS. COHEN Look. He's not giving you any money, so piss off. EX-LEPER All right, sir. My final offer: Half a sheckle for an old ex-leper. BRIAN Did you say EX-leper? EX-LEPER That's right, sir. 16 years behind the bell, and proud of it, sir. BRIAN Well what happened? EX-LEPER Oh, cured sir. BRIAN Cured? EX-LEPER Yes, a bloody miracle sir, God bless you. BRIAN Well who cured you? EX-LEPER Jesus did, sir. I was hopping along, minding my own business. All of a sudden, up he comes, cures me. One minute I'm a leper with a trade, next minute my livelihood gone, not so much as a buy your leave... You're cured, mate. Bloody do-gooder. BRIAN Well, why don't you go and tell him that you want to be a leper again. EX-LEPER Ah, I could do that, sir. Yeah, yeah. I could do that I suppose. What I was thinking was I was going to ask him if he could make me a bit lame in one leg during the middle of the week. Y'know, something beggable, but not leprosy, which is a pain in the arse to be blunt, excuse my french sir, but... MRS. COHEN Brian. Come and clean your room out. BRIAN There you are. EX-LEPER Thank you, sir, thank... Half a dinari for me bloody life story? BRIAN There's no pleasing some people. EX-LEPER That's just what Jesus said, sir. --[The ex-leper hops off, back to the road] --[Brian and MC enter their home to find a Roman officer sitting down inside] MRS. COHEN Oh. OFFICER Good afternoon. MRS. COHEN Oh, eh. Hello, officer. Eh. I'll be with you in a few moments, all right dear? BRIAN What's he doing here? MRS. COHEN Now don't start that Brian, and go and clean your room out. BRIAN Bloody Romans. MRS. COHEN Look, Brian. If it wasn't for them, we wouldn't have all this, and don't you forget it. BRIAN We don't owe the Romans anything, mum. MRS. COHEN Ahw. That's not entirely true, is it Brian? BRIAN What do you mean? MRS. COHEN Well. You know you were asking me about your, uh... BRIAN My nose? MRS. COHEN Yes. Well, there's a reason it's... like it is, Brian. BRIAN What is it? MRS. COHEN Well, I suppose I should have told you a long time ago, but... Well, Brian... your father isn't Mr. Cohen. BRIAN I never thought he was... MRS. COHEN Now none of your cheek. He was a Roman, Brian. He was a centurian in the Roman army. BRIAN You mean... you were raped? MRS. COHEN Aw, at first, yes. BRIAN Who was he? MRS. COHEN Naughtius Maximus his name was. Mmm. Promised me the known world he did. I was to be taken to Rome, housed by the forum. Slaves, asses milk, as much gold as I could eat. Then he, having his way with me, and VOOM. Like a rat out of an aqueduct. BRIAN The bastard. MRS. COHEN Yeah. So next time you go on about the bloody Romans, don't forget you're one of them. BRIAN [In a fit of rage as he goes up to his room.] I'm not a Roman, mum, and I never will be. I'm a kike, a yid, a heebie, a hook-nose, I'm kosher, mum. I'm a red sea pedestrian, and proud of it. MRS. COHEN Huh. Sex, sex, sex. That's all they think about, eh? Well, how are you then, officer? --[She then kneels down as the officer stands.] --{Hmm. I wonder how she earns her living...} Caption: THE COLOSSEUM, JERUSALEM CHILDREN'S MATINEE VOICE Ladies and gentlemen. The next contest is between... Big Goliath - The Macedonian baby-crusher, and Boris Miser. --[A number of women are cleaning up the stadium. The first pulls away a dead body, leaving the head behind. The next finds a ring on the finger of a body, and since she can't take is off, she slips the arm into her robes.] BRIAN [Roving the stands, holding a tray of goodies{?!?}] Dog's tongues. Wren's livers. Chaffinch brains. Jaguar's earlobes. Wolf nipple chips, get 'em while they're hot, they're lovely. Dromedary pretzels, only half a dinar. Tuscany fried bats. --[Elsewhere on the stands, sit the terrorist organization the PFJ. On a higher step sits (left to right) Stan, Reg, and Francis, while below them sits Judith.] JUDITH I do feel, Reg, that any anti-imperialist group like ours must reflect such a divergence of interests within its power base. REG Agreed. Francis? FRANCIS Yeah. I think Judith's point of view is very valid, Reg, provided the movement never forgets that it is the inalienable right of every man... STAN Or woman. FRANCIS ...or woman. To rid himself... STAN Or herself. FRANCIS ...or herself. REG Agreed. FRANCIS Thank you brother. STAN Or sister. FRANCIS ...or sister. Where was I? REG I think you'd finished. FRANCIS Oh, right. REG Furthermore, it is the birthright of every man... STAN Or woman. REG Why don't you shut up about women, Stan. You're putting us off. STAN Women have a perfect right to play a part in our movement, Reg. FRANCIS Why are you always on about women, Stan? STAN I want to be one. REG What? STAN I want to be a woman... from now on I want you all to call me Loretta. --[Unlike the cruel-hearted others, I'm going to comply with his request.] REG What??? LORETTA It's my right as a man. JUDITH Well why do you want to be Loretta, Stan? LORETTA I want to have babies. REG You want to have babies? LORETTA It's every man's right to have babies if he wants them. REG But you can't have babies. LORETTA Don't you oppress me. REG I'm not oppressing you, Stan. You haven't got a womb. Where's the fetus going to gestate? You going to keep it in a box? --[Loretta starts crying.] JUDITH Here. I've got an idea. Suppose you agree that he can't actually have babies, not having a womb, which is nobody's fault... not even the Roman's, but that he can have the right to have babies. --[This seems to satisfy him.] FRANCIS Good idea, Judith. We shall fight the oppressors for your right to have babies, brother. Sister, sorry. REG What's the point? FRANCIS What? REG What's the point of fighting for his right to have babies when he can't have babies? FRANCIS It is symbolic of our struggle against oppression. REG Symbolic of his struggle against reality. --[In the arena, Boris is thrown out of an entrance. He immediately crawls back.] GUARD Get out there. Get out there. BORIS It's um... It's dangerous out there. Ahahh. Oh. --[He gets thrown back in again, and a portcullis slams down. He is carrying a spear and a net, which he drops and starts running away from his opponent, a professional gladiator who is weighed down by an armored arm. The crowd are disgusted by such a poor show.] CROWD Aaah. Oh no. VIEWER What a load of rubbish. BRIAN [He approaches the PFJ with his tray of food.] Dog's tongues. Otter's noses. Occelot spleens. REG You got any nuts? BRIAN Haven't got any nuts, sorry. I've got wren's livers, badger's spleens. REG No, no, no. BRIAN Otter's noses? REG I don't want any of that Roman rubbish. JUDITH Why don't you sell proper food? BRIAN Proper food? REG Yeah. Not those rich imperialist tit bits. BRIAN Well don't blame me, I didn't ask to sell this stuff. REG All right. Bag of otter's noses then. FRANCIS Make it two. REG Two. --[Brian hands them two bags.] FRANCIS Thanks, Reg. BRIAN Are you the Judean People's Front? REG Fuck off. BRIAN What? REG Judean People's Front. We're the People's Front of Judea. Judean People's front, caw. FRANCIS Wankers. BRIAN Can I join your group? REG No. Piss off. BRIAN I didn't want to sell this stuff. It's only a job. I hate the Romans as much as anybody. PFJ Ssssh. Ssssh, Ssssh, Ssssh, Ssssh JUDITH Are you sure? BRIAN Oh. Dead sure... I hate the Romans already. REG Listen. If you really wanted to join the PFJ, you'd have to really hate the Romans. BRIAN I do. REG Oh yeah? How much? BRIAN A lot! REG Right. You're in. Listen. The only people we hate more than the Romans are the fucking Judean People's Front. PFJ Yeah JUDITH Splitters. FRANCIS And the Judean Popular Peoples Front. PFJ Oh yeah. Splitters. LORETTA And the People's Front of Judea. PFJ Splitters. REG What? LORETTA The People's Front of Judea. Splitters. REG We're the People's Front of Judea. LORETTA Oh. I thought we were the Popular Front. REG People's Front. FRANCIS Whatever happened to the Popular Front, Reg? REG He's over there. --[A single old man sits on a lower seat.] --{Some POPULAR front, eh?} PFJ [To the old man.] SPLITTER! GOLIATH Oh. Oh. Oh. I think I'm about to have a cardiac arrest. --[He falls dead.] ROMAN Absolutely dreadful. Humph. --[Boris runs around triumphantly, then kneels and show the Romans what he thinks of them.] CROWD Yay. REG Brother. Haha. What's your name? BRIAN Brian. Brian Cohen. REG We may have a little job for you, Brian. --[Brian approaches the palace wall at night, and starts painting something on the wall. He does not, however see a group of Roman guards approaching from behind him led by a Centurian who reads his writing.] CENTURIAN What's this then? Romanes eunt domus. People called Romanes they go the house? BRIAN It, it says 'Romans go home'. CENTURIAN No it doesn't. What's Latin for 'Roman'? Come on... BRIAN aaah. CENTURIAN Come on. BRIAN Ah! Romanus? CENTURIAN Goes like? BRIAN Annus? CENTURIAN Vocative plural of 'annus' is? BRIAN Anni? CENTURIAN Romani. [He crosses out the 'es' and writes in 'i'.] Eunt? What is eunt? BRIAN Go. CENTURIAN Conjugate the verb 'to go'. BRIAN Uh. Ire - Uh... eo, is, it, imus, itis, eunt. CENTURIAN So eunt is? BRIAN Ah, Uh, Third person plural of present indicative. They go. CENTURIAN But Romans go home is an order, so you must use the? --[The centurian lifts Brian by the sideburns... nasty, eh?] BRIAN The imperative. CENTURIAN Which is? BRIAN Ahm. Oh, oh, um... I, I. CENTURIAN How many Romans? BRIAN Ah. Plural, plural... ite, ite. CENTURIAN Ite. [He again corrects the writing on the wall.] Domus? Nominative? 'Go home'? This is motion towards, isn't it, boy? BRIAN Dative, sir. --[The Centurian takes out his weapon, and holds it to Brian's throat.] Ahh. No, not dative, not the dative, sir. Oh, Ah. Uh. The accusative accusative. Ah, Domum, sir. Ab domum! Ah! Oooh! Ah! CENTURIAN Except that 'domus' takes the? BRIAN The locative, sir. CENTURIAN Which is? BRIAN Domum. Aaah! ah. --[Again, the writing is amended.] CENTURIAN Domum... um... Understand? BRIAN Yes, sir. CENTURIAN Now write it out a hundred times. BRIAN Yes, sir. Thank you, sir. Hail Caesar, sir. CENTURIAN Hail Caesar. And if it's not done by sunrise, I'll cut your balls off. BRIAN Oh, thank you, sir. Thank you, sir. Hail Caesar and everything, sir. Oh. Mmm! --[The Centurian walks off leaving two sentries behind to guard him.] --[Dawn over Jerusalem. Brian has written the slogan all over the front of the palace.] BRIAN Finished! --[The Sentries pick up their shields and spears. One of them points his spear threateningly at Brian, and speaks.] SENTRY Right. Now don't do it again. --[The two walk off as Brian admires his handiwork. Unfortunately, another group of guards come along, and realize what has been written. Brian realizes, and runs. They give chase, careless of the citizens] MAN Hey! Bloody Romans. --[Just as Brian starts to despair of his fleeing, a hand clasps over his mouth, and drags him backwards into an alcove. When he is released he recognizes his savior through the darkness... Judith.] --[In the PFJ's official HQ, Francis stands pointing at a plan of Pilates palace with a wooden spoon, explaining a plan to the other members (Rebel1 - Rebel6), and the leaders from the Colosseum.] FRANCIS We get in through the underground heating system here. Up through into the main audience chamber here, and Pilate's wife's bedroom is here. Having grabbed his wife, we inform Pilate that she is in our custody, and forthwith, issue our demands. Any questions? --{Spot the dancing caterpillars} REBEL 1 What exactly are the demands? REG We're giving Pilate two days to dismantle the entire apparatus of the Roman imperialist state, and if he doesn't agree immediately, we execute her. MATHIAS Cut her head off? FRANCIS Cut all her bits off. Send them back on the hour every hour. Show them we're not to be trifled with. REG And of course, we point out that they bear full responsibility when we chop her up, and that we shall not submit to blackmail. --[All members of the PFJ salute this bringing their right fists to their foreheads.] PFJ No Blackmail!! REG They bled us white, the bastards. They've taken everything we had. And not just from us, but from our fathers, and from our fathers' fathers. LORETTA And from our fathers', fathers', fathers. REG Yeah. LORETTA And from our fathers', fathers', fathers', fathers. REG Yeah, all right, Stan. Don't label the point. And what have they ever given us in return? REBEL 2 The aqueduct? REG What? REBEL 2 The aqueduct. REG Oh yeah, yeah. They did give us that. That's true, yeah. REBEL 3 And sanitation. LORETTA Oh yeah, the sanitation, Reg. Remember what the city used to be like. REG Yeah, all right, I'll grant you the aqueduct, the sanitation are two things the Romans have done... MATHIAS And the roads. REG Well, yeah. Obviously the roads, I mean the roads go without saying, don't they? But apart from the sanitation, the aqueduct, and the roads... REBEL 4 Irrigation. REBEL 2 Medicine. REBEL 5 Education. REG Yeah, yeah, all right. Fair enough... REBEL 1 And the wine. REBELS Oh, yeah FRANCIS Yeah. Yeah, That's something that we'd really miss, Reg, if the Romans left, huh. REBEL 6 Public baths. LORETTA And it's safe to walk the in streets at night now Reg. FRANCIS Yeah, they certainly know how to keep order. Let's face it, the only ones who could in a place like this. PFJ Huhuhuh. Huhuhuhuhuh. REG All right. But apart from the sanitation, the medicine, education, wine, public order, irrigation, roads, the fresh water system, and public health... What have the Romans ever done for us? Rebel2 Brought peace? REG Oh, peace. Shaddup. --[There is a knock on the door, and all member of the PFJ hide wonderfully: Under the table, standing under a sheet, head down in a shallow basket etc. Mathias sees that they have all hidden, and ambles over to the door.] MATHIAS I am a poor old man. My sight is poor, my legs are old and bent. --[He opens the door to reveal Judith and Brian.] JUDITH It's all right, Mathias. MATHIAS It's all clear. --[The two walk in, as the others emerge.] JUDITH Well where's Reg? FRANCIS Oh Reg. Reg, Judith. REG What went wrong? JUDITH The first blow has been struck. REG Did he finish the slogan? JUDITH A hundred times, in letters ten foot high, all the way around the palace. REG Oh great. Great. We, we need doers in our movement, Brian. But before you join us, know this: There is not one of us here who would gladly suffer death to rid this country of the Romans once and for all. REBEL Uh.. well one. REG Oh yeah, yeah. There's one. But otherwise, we're solid. Are you with us? BRIAN Yes. --[Again the PFJ salute, and Brian copies the movement.] REG From now on, you shall be called Brian that is called Brian. Tell him about the raid on Pilate's palace, Francis. FRANCIS Right. This is the plan... --[We see now the PFJ (officials) executing the operation as Francis dictates the plan.] FRANCIS Now this is the palace in Caeser's square. Our commando unit will approach from Fish Street under cover of night, and make our way to the north-western main drain. If questioned, we are sewage workers on our way to a conference. Reg: our glorious leader, and founder of the PFJ will be coordinating consultant at the drain head, though he himself will not be taking part in any terrorist action as he has a bad back. --[The PFJ enter the sewer, and Reg closes up after them.] BRIAN Aren't you going to come with us? REG Solidarity, brother. BRIAN Oh, yes. Solidarity Reg. FRANCIS Once in the sewer, timing will be of the essence. There is a Roman feast later in the evening, so we must move fast... and don't wear your best sandals. Turning left here, we enter the Caeser Augustus memorial sewer, and from there, proceed directly to the hypervault This has just been re-tiled, so terrorists, careful with those weapons. We will now be directly beneath Pilate's audience chambers. This is the moment for Havacuk to get out his prop. CHISEL --[A large hole is made in the mosaic on the floor above, from which all the PFJ emerge.] HEARTS --[As the PFJ approach a corner crouching, another group of rebels... the Campaign for a Free Galilee (CFG x) advance towards the other side.] CFG 1 Ssssh. CFG 2 Ssssh. --[The two groups spot each other, and relax. After a few confused moments, the leader (CFGHead) declares his group in a thick welsh accent.] CFG HEAD Campaign for Free Galilee. PFJ HEAD Oh. Uh. People's Front of Judea. Officials. CFG HEAD Oh. PFJ HEAD What's your group doing here? CFG HEAD We're going to kidnap Pilate's wife, take her back, issue demands. PFJ HEAD So are we. CFG HEAD What? PFJ HEAD That's our plan. CFG HEAD We were here first. PFJ HEAD What do you mean? CFG HEAD We thought of it first. PFJ MAN Oh yeah? CFG HEAD Yes. A couple of years ago. PFJ Oh, yeahehehe. CFG MAN He did! PFJ HEAD Okay, come on, come on. You got all your demands worked out? CFG HEAD 'Course we have. PFJ HEAD What are they? CFG HEAD Well I'm not telling you. PFJ MEN yeah. PFJ HEAD Oh come on. Pull the other one. CFG HEAD That's not the point. We thought of it before you. VARIOUS Ssssh. PFJ HEAD Did not. CFG HEAD We did. PFJ You did not. CFG We bloody did! VARIOUS Sssssssh. Sssssssssssssh. CFG HEAD You bastards, we've been planning this for months. PFJ HEAD Well though titty for you, fish face. AAAAWW! --[A general fight breaks out between the two groups.] BRIAN Brothers, brothers. We should be struggling together. PFJ HEAD We are! BRIAN We mustn't fight each other. Surely we should be united against the common enemy. ALL The Judean People's front!!! BRIAN No. No. The Romans! ALL Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes. SOMEONE Yeah. He's right. --[Two Roman guards approach slowly.] OTHER 1 Look out! CFG HEAD Right. Where were we? PFJ HEAD Uh. You were going to punch me. CFG HEAD Oh yeah. --[The fight breaks out again. More Roman guards approach to find all members of both groups except Brian basically kill each other. They walk up to the surprised Brian, and all goes black...] BRIAN Brothers!!! Oof! --[Brian wakes up to find himself being dragged by the feet to the palace dungeons, bumping his head on the steps.] JAILER [Throwing Brian into a cell] He he he. BRIAN Aaah. JAILER Heh heh he. --[A voice comes from the far side of the cell.] PRISONER You lucky bastard. BRIAN Who's that? --[As Brian's eyes become accustomed to the dark, he sees a white-haired old man chained up on the wall of the cell.] PRISONER You lucky lucky bastard. BRIAN What? PRISONER Proper little jailers pet, aren't we? BRIAN What do you mean? PRISONER You must have slipped him a few shekels, eh? BRIAN Slipped him a few shekels? You saw him spit in my face. PRISONER Oh! What wouldn't I give to be spat at in the face. I sometimes hang awake at night dreaming of being spat at in the face. BRIAN Well it's not exactly friendly, is it? They have me in manacles! PRISONER Manacles?! Ooohaaawwww. My idea of heaven is to be allowed to be put in manacles... just for a few hours. They must think the sun shines out of your arse, sonny. BRIAN Oh, lay off me. I've had a hard time! PRISONER YOU'VE had a hard time? I've been here five years. They only hung me up the right way up yesterday. So don't you come rou... BRIAN All right, all right. PRISONER They must think you're lord God almighty. BRIAN What will they do to me? PRISONER Oh, you'll probably get away with crucifixion. BRIAN Crucifixion??!!!!! PRISONER Yeah. First offense. BRIAN Get away with crucifixion? It's... PRISONER Best thing the Romans ever did for us. BRIAN WHAT?!!! PRISONER Oh yeah. If we didn't have crucifixion, this country'd be in a right bloody mess! BRIAN Guard! PRISONER Nail 'em up, I say! BRIAN Guard! PRISONER Nail some sense into them! --[The Jailer once again comes to the door.] JAILER Hu. Hu. Whaddayawant? BRIAN I want you to move me to another cell. JAILER Ha! BRIAN Aaaah. PRISONER Oh. Look at that. Bloody favoritism. JAILER Shaddup, you. PRISONER Sorry. JAILER [Walking away.] Ugh. PRISONER Now take my case. They hung me up here five years ago. Every night, they take me down for twenty minutes, then they hang me up again, which I regard as very fair in view of what I done. And if nothing else, it's taught me to respect the Romans. And it's taught me that you'll never get anywhere in this life, unless you're prepared to do a fair days work for a fair day's... BRIAN Oh, shut up!!! JAILER Uuuuh. CENTURIAN Pilate wants to see you. BRIAN Me? CENTURIAN Come on! BRIAN Pilate? What does he want to see me for? CENTURIAN I think he wants to know which night you want to be crucified. PRISONER Oh, Ha Ha Ha Ha, ha ha. Nice one centurian, like it, like it. CENTURIAN Shut up. PRISONER Right. Terrific race, the Romans. Terrific. --[Pilate's main audience chamber. For some strange reason, there are repairs being done to the mosaic on the floor, and apparently the place is also being re-decorated. A Designer stands talking to Pilate, until the sound of marching feet are heard, and in walks the Centurian, with Brian surrounded by two guards (guard3, and guard4). Guards1 and 2 stand around the room, along with various others.] DESIGNER with one large feeding area here. CENTURIAN Hail Caesar. PILATE Hail. CENTURIAN Only one survivor, Sir. PILATE Ah. Thwow him to the floor. CENTURIAN What Sir? PILATE Thwow him to the floor. CENTURIAN Ah! [Signals Brian be thrown to the floor.] BRIAN Aaah. PILATE Huh. Now, what is your name, Jew? BRIAN Brian, sir. PILATE Bwian, eh? BRIAN No, no. Brian. [The centurian whaps him across the head.] Aaah. PILATE Hoohoohoohoo. The little wascal has spiwit. CENTURIAN Has what, sir? PILATE Spiwit. CENTURIAN Yes, he did, sir. PILATE No, no, spiwit, uh. Bwavado, a touch of dewwing-do. CENTURIAN Oh, Ah... About eleven, sir. PILATE So. You dare to waid us. BRIAN To what sir? PILATE Stwike him, centuwion, vewwy woughly. --[The Centurian stwikes him vewwy woughly.] BRIAN Waah! CENTURIAN Oh and uh, throw him to the floor, Sir? PILATE What? CENTURIAN Thwow him to the floor again, Sir? PILATE Oh, yes. Thwow him to the floor please. --[I won't even bother saying it...] BRIAN Aaah! PILATE Now, Jewith wapscallion. BRIAN I'm not Jewish, I'm a Roman! PILATE A Wowman? BRIAN No, no, Roman. [] Aaah! PILATE So, your father was a Wowman. Who was he? BRIAN He was a centurian in the Jerusalem Garrison sir. PILATE Weally? What was his name? BRIAN Naughtius Maximus. CENTURIAN Wohahahaha! PILATE Centuwion, do we have anyone of that name in the gawwison? CENTURIAN Well no, sir. PILATE Well you sound vewwy sure. Have you checked? CENTURIAN Well no, sir um... I think it's a joke, sir. Like uh... Sillius Soddus, or... Biggus Dickus sir. GUARD 1 PILATE What's so funny about Biggus Dickus? CENTURIAN Well it's a joke name, sir. PILATE I have a vewwy gweat fwiend in Wome called Biggus Dickus. GUARD 1 PILATE Silence! What is all this insolence? You will find yourself in gladiator school vewwy quickly with wotten behavior like that. BRIAN Can I go now sir? [] Aaaagh! PILATE Wait till Biggus Dickus hears of this! GUARD 1 PILATE Wight! Take him away. CENTURIAN Oh sir, he uh.... PILATE No no. I want him fighting wabid wild animals within a week. CENTURIAN Yes, sir. Come on you. GUARD 1 Hahaha. Hoohoohoo. PILATE I will not have my fwends widiculed by the common soldiewy. Anybody else feel like a little giggul. When I mention my fwend Biggus ...Dickus. GUARD 2 Huhuhu. --[He walks up to guard2, and speaks exadurately to his face.] PILATE What about you? Do you find it wisable, when I say the name... Biggus GUARD 2 Parp. PILATE ... Dickus? GUARD 3 --[He then walks around to Guards 3 and 4 (The ones beside Brian).] PILATE He has a wife you know. You know what she's called? She's called Incontinentia. Incontinentia Buttocks! --[The Guards just crack up laughing.] Stop! What is all this? I've had enough of this wowdy webel sniggewing behavior. Silence! Call yourself Pwaetonian guards? You're not... --[Bwian, sorry, Brian, seizes his chance, and scarpers.] Seize him! Seize him! Blow your noses and seize him! --[Brian runs up a tower trying to escape the pursuing Guards. A Builder sits at he top of it slowly hammering away in the sun. He drops his hammer, and slowly walks down the stairs.] {BTW, I'm positive that this is the person mention by the prophet later (as in: In this time, a friend shall lose his friend's hammer...)} BUILDER Hmm? Oh. . [He passes Brian and the Guards running up in the opposite direction] Sorry. --[Brian reaches the top of the tower, and notices too late that it stops, so he doesn't.] BRIAN Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah. --[It just happens { *:) } that a spaceship just happens to be passing by at that time {Doesn't it always?}, and Brian just happens to fall into the cockpit behind two aliens. {For all you Pratchett readers, it must have been a million-to-one chance!}] ALIEN 1 Azzz. ALIEN 2 Rozak chabba. --[Suddenly, a siren goes off, indicating pursuit.] ship starts shooting at them. Very nice sound effects. Brian's Taxi crashes sidelong into an asteroid, and heads back to Earth.] SIREN Rroooooah. Rroooooah. Rroooooah. ALIEN 1 Aaaagh. Ghrote. --[A large circular ship comes from the sun, and starts shooting at them. Tray nice sound effects. The ship crashes sidelong into an asteroid, and heads back for Earth. They get hit, and start to fall. They crash at the base of the unfinished tower and Brian walks away unscathed. Well, wouldn't you?] WITNESS Oh, you lucky bastard. --[The Roman soldiers emerge from the tower, and spot Brian. He runs. He come to a place where there are a number of prophets standing on pedestals, shouting their visions. First a (Dirty) prophet, covered in dried mud, wearing a loincloth.] DIRTY And the Bizan shall be huge, and black, and the eyes thereof RED with the blood of living creatures! And the whore of Babylon shall ride forth on a gray headed serpent, and throughout the lands there shall be a great rubbing of parts. Yeah. --{Don't you just love the pelvic thrusts?} [Next comes a prophet with a thick Northern Irish accent (a la Ian Paisley), wearing robes, and holding a staff.] N.IRISH And the demon shall bear a nine bladed sword. Nine bladed! Not two, or five, or seven but NINE! Which he shall wield on all wretched sinners, sinners just like you, sir there. And the horns shall be on the head; --[Finally, we come to a prophet I have seen called the 'Boring' profit, but he seems much less vague than the rest of them, and taking into account his knowledge of the lost hammer, I'm calling him the Accurate profit (Acurate).] ACURATE ... Bediah, his servants. There shall in that time be rumors of things going astray, erm, and there shall be a great confusion as to where things really are, and nobody will really know where lieth those little things wi-with the sort of raffia-work base, that has an attachment. At that time, a friend shall lose his friends hammer, and the young shall not know where lieth the things possessed by their fathers that their fathers put there only just the night before, about eight O'clock. --[As Brian walks through the crowd, an(other) profit speaks.] OTHER Yea, it is written in the book of Cyril, that in that time... --[Brian sees a troop of Romans, and quickly looks for a way of disguising himself. He spots a Beard selling stand, and heads for it There, he meet a Merchant, and picks up a fake beard.] BRIAN How much? Quick! MERCHANT What? BRIAN It's for the wife. MERCHANT Oh. Uh... Twenty shekels. BRIAN Right. MERCHANT What? BRIAN There you are. MERCHANT Wait a minute. BRIAN What? MERCHANT Well, we're, we're supposed to haggle. BRIAN No, no, I've got to get... MERCHANT What do you mean, no no no? BRIAN I haven't time, I've got ... MERCHANT Well give it back then. BRIAN No, no, no I paid you. MERCHANT Burt! --[A large man stands up behind Brian, blocking his way out.] BURT Yeah? MERCHANT This bloke won't haggle. BURT Won't haggle??? BRIAN All right... do we have to? --[Burt disappears.] MERCHANT Now look. I want twenty for that. BRIAN I, I just gave you twenty. MERCHANT Now are you telling me that's not worth twenty shekels? BRIAN No. MERCHANT Look at it. Feel the quality, that's none of yer goat. BRIAN All right, I'll give you nineteen then. MERCHANT No, no, no. Come on. Do it properly. BRIAN What? MERCHANT Haggle properly. This isn't worth nineteen. BRIAN But you just said it was worth twenty. MERCHANT Oh dear, oh dear. Come on. Haggle. BRIAN All right, I'll give you ten. MERCHANT That's more like it. Ten!? Are you trying to insult me? Me? With a poor dying grandmother...Ten!?! BRIAN All right, I'll give you Eleven. MERCHANT Now you're getting it. Eleven!?! Did I hear you right? Eleven? This cost me twelve. You want to ruin me? BRIAN Seventeen. MERCHANT No, no, no, no. Seventeen! BRIAN Eighteen? MERCHANT No, no,. You go to fourteen now. BRIAN All right, I'll give you fourteen. MERCHANT Fourteen, are you joking? BRIAN That's what you told me to say. MERCHANT Oh dear. BRIAN Oh Tell me what to say. Please. MERCHANT Offer me fourteen. BRIAN I'll give you fourteen. MERCHANT He's offering me fourteen for this! BRIAN Fifteen. MERCHANT Seventeen. My last word. I won't take a penny less, or strike me dead. BRIAN Sixteen. MERCHANT Done. Nice to do business with you. Tell you what, I'll throw in this as well. [Hands Brian the Gourd.] BRIAN I don't want it, but thanks. MERCHANT Burt! BURT Yeah? BRIAN All right, all right, all right. MERCHANT Where's the sixteen you owe me? BRIAN I just gave you twenty. MERCHANT Oh yeah. That's right. That's four I owe you then. BRIAN No, it's all right, that's fine, that's fine. MERCHANT No, I've got it here somewhere. BRIAN It's all right, that's four for the gourd. MERCHANT Four for this gourd? Four!!!! Look at it, that's worth ten if it's worth a shekel. BRIAN But you just gave it to me for nothing. MERCHANT Yes, but it's worth ten. BRIAN All right, all right. MERCHANT No, no, no, no. It's not worth ten, You're supposed to argue. Ten for that, you must be mad! [He notices Brian running.] MERCHANT Ah, well. . There's one born every minute. --[Meanwhile, back at the PFJ HQ, thy are reading a list of the ex-rebels who went on the raid.] REG Daniel. LORETTA Daniel. REBEL Job. REG Job. LORETTA Job. REBEL Joshua. REG Joshua. LORETTA Joshua. REBEL Judges. REG Judges. LORETTA Judges. REBEL and Brian. REG and Brian. LORETTA Brian. REG I now propose that all seven of these ex-brothers be now entered in the minutes as probationary martyrs to the cause. LORETTA I second that, Reg. REG Thank you, Loretta. On the nod. Siblings! Let us not be down-hearted. One total catastrophe like this is just the beginning. Their glorious deaths shall unite us all in a... MATHIAS Look out! --[Brian walks in still wearing his beard, and uncovers the others in their hiding places.] BRIAN Hello? Mathias? Reg. REG Go away! BRIAN Hmm? Reg. It's me, Brian. REG Get off! Get off, out of it! BRIAN Stan. LORETTA Piss off. REBEL 1 Yeah... piss off. REBEL 2 Bugger off. --[There is a loud knocking at the door.] REG Oh, shit!!! MATHIAS Coming. --[ MATHIAS signals Brian to hide out on the balcony. This he does, but it moves ominously when he steps out onto it. Directly below him, he can see the accurate prophet from two scenes ago.] ACURATE Yea verily at that time, it is written in the book of Isaiah that a man shall strike his donkey, and his nephew's donkey. MATHIAS [Walking to the door.] My eyes are dim, I cannot see. --[He opens the door to show a Roman legion led by our very own Centurian.] CENTURIAN Are you Mathias? MATHIAS Yes. CENTURIAN We have reason to believe you may be hiding one Brian of Nazareth, a member of the terrorist organization: the People's Front of Judea. MATHIAS Me? No. I am just a poor old man, I've no time for law-breakers. My legs are gray, my ears are nulled, my eyes are old, and bent. CENTURIAN Quiet! Silly person. Guards! Search the house! --[The rest of of the legion march quickly into the house.] You know the penalty layed down by Roman law for harboring a known criminal? MATHIAS No. CENTURIAN Crucifixion. MATHIAS Oh. CENTURIAN Nasty, eh? MATHIAS Hm. Could be worse. CENTURIAN What do you mean 'could be worse'? MATHIAS Well, you could be stabbed. CENTURIAN Stabbed? Takes a second. Crucifixion lasts hours. It's a slow, 'orrible death. MATHIAS Well, at lest it gets you out in the open air. CENTURIAN You're weird! --[The guards march back out.] SERGENT No sir. Couldn't find anything, sir. CENTURIAN But don't worry, you've not seen the last of us... weirdo. [He walks away.] MATHIAS Big-nose. CENTURIAN Watch it! MATHIAS Phew. That was lucky. --[The PFJ emerge from their hiding places.] BRIAN I'm sorry, Reg. REG Oh, it's all right, siblings. He's sorry. He's sorry he led the fifth legion straight to our official headquarters. Well, that's all right then, Brian. Sit down. Have a scone. Make yourself at home. YOU KLUTZ !!! You stupid, bird-brained, flat-headed... --[There is another knocking at the door. Everyone scarpers.] MATHIAS My legs are old and bend, my ears are grizzled, yes? CENTURIAN There's one place we didn't look. Guards! --[The guards march back in. Some of Mathias' rambling is obscured by the marching.] MATHIAS I'm just a poor old man........my eyes are poor, my nose is knackered. CENTURIAN Have you ever seen anyone crucified? MATHIAS Crucifixion's a doddle. CENTURIAN Don't keep saying that. --[The guards march out again, the sergeant holding the wooden spoon used by Francis earlier.] SERGENT Found this spoon, sir. CENTURIAN Well done, sergeant. We'll be back... oddball. --[Everyone inside relaxes again. Immediately, there is another knock.] Open up! MATHIAS You haven't given us time to hide. --[The balcony finally gives up its desperate struggle for survival, and Brian falls on top of the accurate prophet.] BRIAN Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! ACURATE ... the nephew or the donkey... Wha? Wooooooah! --[The prophet gets knocked off his podium into a large jug, and Brian is left standing there.] CROWD --[The crowd of five and also a Roman soldier look up expectantly at Brian. He looks around at the other prophets for inspiration.] N.IRISH ... a nine bladed sword which he shall strike... BLACK ... the jumbo jets which shall fly up to the... --[He decides there's nothing to do but start preaching, or he'll be seen as an imposter. He start speaking to his audience.] --[Pasr-By : A man in gray who happens to be in the area. Beggar : An old Beggar sitting on the podium beside Brian. Hekelr1 : A Woman holding a baby. Hekelr2 : A man in a turban. Hekelr3 : A man in a turban with a beard and moustaches.] BRIAN Don't uh, pass judgment on other people, or you might get judged yourself. PASSER-BY What? BRIAN I said don't pass judgment on other people, or else You might get judged too. PASSER-BY Who, Me? BRIAN Yes. PASSER-BY Oh. Oh. Thank you very much. BRIAN Well, not just you. All of you. BEGGAR That's a nice gourd. BRIAN What? BEGGAR How much do you want for the gourd? BRIAN I don't. You can have it. BEGGAR Have it? BRIAN Yes. Consider the lilies... BEGGAR Don't you want to haggle? BRIAN No... in the fields. BEGGAR What's wrong with it then? BRIAN Nothing. Take it. HECKLER 1 Consider the lilies? BRIAN Uh, well, the birds then. HECKLER 2 What birds? BRIAN Any birds. HECKLER 2 Why? BRIAN Well, have they got jobs? HECKLER 3 Who? BRIAN The birds. HECKLER 2 Have the birds got jobs?!? --[A man passing by hears them giving out and joins in.] HECKLER 5 What's the matter with him? HECKLER 3 He says the birds are scrounging. BRIAN Oh, uh, look. The point is that they do all right, don't they? HECKLER 5 Well good luck to 'em. HECKLER 2 Yeah. They're very pretty. BRIAN O.K. And you're much more important than they are, right? So what are you worrying about? There you are, See? HECKLER 2 I'm worrying about what you have got against birds. BRIAN I haven't got anything against the birds. Consider the lilies. HECKLER 3 He's having a go at the flowers now! HECKLER 2 Oh, give the flowers a chance. BEGGAR I'll give you one for it. BRIAN It's yours. BEGGAR Two. BRIAN Look, there was this man, and he had two servants... HECKLER 3 What were they called? BRIAN What? HECKLER 3 What were their names? BRIAN I don't know. And he gave them some talents. HECKLER 2 You don't know?!? BRIAN Well it doesn't matter. HECKLER 3 He doesn't know what they were called. BRIAN Oh, they were called Noims, and Adrian, now... HECKLER 3 Oh! You said you didn't know! BRIAN It really doesn't matter, the point is there were these two servants. HECKLER 3 He's making it up as he goes along! BRIAN No I'm not! And he gave them some talen... wait a minute, were there three? HECKLER 2 Oh, he's terrible! HECKLER 3 Rsprrrrr! BRIAN There were three, there were two or three! HECKLER 1 Ah, get off! --[Just as is gets worst, along comes the Roman legion who have by now finished searching Mathias' house.] BRIAN OH!!! Eh, Uzwuh, uh, b-b... Now. Now Hear This! Blessed are they... BEGGAR Three. BRIAN who convert their neighbor's ox, for they shall inhibit their girth. HECKLER X Rubbish! BRIAN And to them only shall be given... to them only... shall. Be. Given. --[The Romans pass.] -- [From this moment on, it is decreed that all hecklers shall become followers (folowrs) of Brian. The hecklers keeping their numbers.] FOLLOWER 1 What? BRIAN Hmm? FOLLOWER 1 Shall be given what? BRIAN Oh, Nothing. FOLLOWER 1 What were you going to say? BRIAN Nothing. FOLLOWERS Yes you were. FOLLOWER 1 Yes, you were going to say something. BRIAN No I wasn't. I'd finished. FOLLOWER 1 Oh no you weren't. FOLLOWER 3 Oh, tell us before you go. BRIAN I wasn't going to say anything. I'd finished. FOLLOWER 1 No you hadn't. BLIND MAN What won't he tell? FOLLOWER 2 He won't say. BLIND MAN Is it a secret? BRIAN No. BLIND MAN Is it? FOLLOWER 2 Must be, otherwise he'd tell us. FOLLOWER 3 Oh, tell us the secret. BRIAN Leave me alone. FOLLOWER 2 What is the secret? --[A woman comes pushing through the crowd. His newest convert.] FOLLOWER 4 Is it the secret of eternal life? FOLLOWER 2 He won't say! FOLLOWER 3 Well of course not. If I knew the secret of eternal life, I wouldn't say. BRIAN Leave me alone. FOLLOWER 4 Just tell me, please! FOLLOWER 3 No, tell us, master. We were here first. FOLLOWER 4 Tell us. Tell us, master. BEGGAR Five. BRIAN Oh, go away. BEGGAR I can't go above five. FOLLOWER 4 Is that His gourd? BEGGAR Yes, but it's under offer. FOLLOWER 4 This is His gourd! BEGGAR Ten! FOLLOWER 4 It is His gourd. We will carry it for you, master. Master? FOLLOWER 2 He's gone! He's been taken up! FOLLOWER 4 FOLLOWERS He's been taken up!!! BEGGAR Eighteen! FOLLOWER 3 No. There he is. Over there. FOLLOWER Oh, yeah. --[As Brian runs out of the city, one of his shoes (or is it a sandal?) falls off. His followers stop, and Follower 5 picks it up.] FOLLOWER 3 He has given us a sign! FOLLOWER 5 He has given us... a shoe! FOLLOWER 3 The shoe is the sign. Let us follow his example. SPIKE What? FOLLOWER 3 Let us, like him, hold up one shoe and let the other be upon our foot for this is His sign, and all who follow Him shall do likewise. FOLLOWER 2 Yes. FOLLOWER 5 No no no. FOLLOWER 2 No. FOLLOWER 5 The shoe is a sign that we must gather shoes together in a bundle. FOLLOWER 4 Cast off the shoes. Follow the gourd. SPIKE What? FOLLOWER 5 No. Let us gather shoes together. Let me... FOLLOWER 4 Get off! FOLLOWER 2 No, no. It is a sign that like him, we must think not of things of the body, but of the face, and head. FOLLOWER 5 Give me your shoe. FOLLOWER 2 Get off! FOLLOWER 4 Follow the gourd. The holy gourd of Jerusalem. FOLLOWER The gourd! FOLLOWER 6 Hold up the sandal, as He has commanded us. FOLLOWER 3 It is a shoe! It is a shoe! FOLLOWER 6 It is a sandal! FOLLOWER 3 No, it is a shoe! FOLLOWER 4 Cast it away! FOLLOWER 5 Put it on! FOLLOWER 2 Clear off! FOLLOWER 5 Take the shoes and follow him! FOLLOWER 4 All ye...... follow the gourdie [?!?] --[One man is left behind. He deserves his real name, I think. He doesn't realize that everyone is leaving him, so he starts talking.] SPIKE No! Stop! Stop! Stop! Let us. Let us pray. Yea, He cometh to us, like the seed to the grain. --[He then realizes he's alone, so he walks off, embarrassed.] --[Now comes yet another of the wonderful chase scenes through the countryside.] FOLLOWERS MASTER!!! MASTER!!! GOATS --[Brian comes upon a hole {Hmm. Stop thinking that, you naughty person! You know wot I mean.} with a hermit in it. {I said stop that!}] BRIAN Hey! Is there another way down? Is there another path down to the river? HERMIT Mmmmm. Mmmmm. BRIAN Please please help me. I've got to get... --[He sees everyone following him, so he jumps into the hole to hide.] HERMIT Mmmm. [Brian lands on his foot.] OH my foot!!! Oh! BRIAN Ssssh. HERMIT Oh, Damn, damn, damn! BRIAN I'm sorry! Ssssh. HERMIT Oh, Damn, damn, and blast it! BRIAN I'm sorry! Ssssh. HERMIT Don't you 'Ssssh' me. Eighteen years of total silence, and you Ssssh me! BRIAN What? HERMIT I've kept my vow for eighteen years. Not a single, recognizable articulate sound has passed my lips. BRIAN Oh please, could you be quiet just another five minutes? HERMIT Oh, it doesn't matter now, I might as well enjoy myself. The times in the last eighteen years I've wanted to shout, and sing, and scream my name out! BRIAN Ssssh. --[He starts getting happy, jumping up and down, while Brian tries to stop him.] HERMIT Oh, I'm alive! I'm father Gila. I'm father Gila. I'm father Gaaaagh! Oh I'm alive, I'm alive. Hello birds. Hello trees. I'm aligggh! Get off. I'm alive! I'm father Gila, I'm father and I'm. < >!!! [He sees everyone.] --[They see him, and run over to the hole.] FOLLOWERS Master! Master! FOLLOWER 5 The master! FOLLOWER He is here! FOLLOWER The shoe... FOLLOWERS FOLLOWER 3 Speak! FOLLOWERS Ssssh. FOLLOWER 3 Speak to us master, speak to us. BRIAN Go away! FOLLOWERS A blessing! A blessing! FOLLOWER 3 How shall we go away, master? BRIAN Oh, just go away. Leave me alone! FOLLOWER 5 Give us a sign! FOLLOWER 3 He has given us a sign. He has brought us to this place! BRIAN I didn't bring you here, you just followed me. FOLLOWER 5 Oh, it's still a good sign by any standard. FOLLOWER 3 Master, your people have walked many miles to be with you. They are weary, and have not eaten. BRIAN It's not my fault they haven't eaten. FOLLOWER 3 There is no food in this high mountain. BRIAN Well what about the juniper bushes over there. FOLLOWERS A miracle! A miracle! --[A few of them go over to the bushes to eat.] FOLLOWER 5 He has made the bush fruitful by His word. FOLLOWER 2 They have brought forth juniper berries! BRIAN Of course they've brought forth juniper berries, they're juniper bushes! What do you expect? FOLLOWER 1 Show us another miracle! FOLLOWER 3 Do not tempt him, shallow ones! Is not the miracle of the juniper bushes enough? HERMIT I say. Those are my juniper bushes. FOLLOWER 3 They are a gift from God! HERMI They're all I've bloody got to eat. [He jumps up naked out of his hole, and starts chasing people away.] Ugn. I say. Get off those bushes. Go on. Clear off, the lot of you. FOLLOWER 6 Lord! I am affected by a bald patch. BLIND MAN I am healed! The master has healed me! BRIAN I didn't touch him! BLIND MAN I was blind, and now I can see! Oh! --[The blind man throws away his cane, and steps forward... right into the hole. Nobody notices.] FOLLOWERS A miracle! A miracle! HERMIT [After coming back to Brian.] Tell them to stop it. I hadn't said a word for eighteen years 'till he came along. FOLLOWERS A miracle! He is the Messiah! HERMIT Well he hurt my foot! FOLLOWERS Hurt my foot lord, hurt mine. FOLLOWER 3 Hail, messiah. --[They all get down on their knees.] BRIAN I'm not the messiah. FOLLOWER 3 I say you are, lord, and I should know... I've followed a few. FOLLOWERS Hail messiah! BRIAN I'm not the messiah, would you please listen. I'm not the messiah, do you understand? Honestly! FOLLOWER 4 Only the true messiah denies his divinity. BRIAN What? Well what sort of chance does that give me? All right, I AM the messiah. FOLLOWERS He IS! He IS the messiah! --[They prostrate themselves in front of him.] BRIAN Now fuck off! FOLLOWER 3 How shall we fuck off oh lord? BRIAN Oh just go away. Leave me alone. HERMIT You told these people to eat my juniper berries. You break my bloody foot, you break my vow of silence, and then you try to clean up on my juniper bushes. BRIAN Oh, lay off. FOLLOWER 3 This is the messiah. The chosen one. HERMIT No he's not. BRIAN Aaaagh! FOLLOWER 3 An unbeliever! FOLLOWERS An unbeliever! FOLLOWER 3 Persecute! Kill the heretic! --[They pick him up {Hey babe... what's your sign?} and carry him off.] FOLLOWERS Kill! Kill him! [etc...] BRIAN Leave him alone! Leave him alone! Leave him alone. Put him down. Please. --[One person is left behind.] JUDITH Brian? BRIAN Judith?? --[The next day dawns over Jerusalem.] COCK?!? Cock-a-doodle doo. --[Brian wakes up to find Judith lying beside him. He smiles to himself and walks still naked over to the window, which he throws open to take a good deep breath of fresh air.] CROWD LOOK! THERE HE IS! THE CHOSEN ONE HAS AWOKEN! --[The street outside his window is filled with his followers. He slams the shutters closed immediately. Then, as if it weren't bad enough, his mum starts knocking at the door.] BRIAN Uuuh! MRS. COHEN Brian! --[He struggles to get dressed, just as MC kicks the door down.] BRIAN Uuuh. Oooh. Uh. Mother. Oooh. . Ah. MRS. COHEN Brian! BRIAN Hang on mother. Ssssh. --[MC does her super-hero impression.] Hello mother. MRS. COHEN Don't you 'hello mother' me. What are all those people doing out there? BRIAN Oh, uh. I... well, I uh... MRS. COHEN Come on. What have you been up to, my lad? BRIAN Well, I think they must have popped by for something. MRS. COHEN Popped by? Swarmed by more like. There's a multitude out there. BRIAN Um. They, they started following me yesterday. MRS. COHEN Well they can stop following you right now! [She walks over to the window, and addresses the crowd outside.] Now stop following my son. You ought to be ashamed of yourselves. CROWD THE MESSIAH! THE MESSIAH! SHOW US THE MESSIAH! MRS. COHEN The who? CROWD THE MESSIAH. MRS. COHEN There's no Messiah in here. There's a mess all right, but no messiah. Now go away. CROWD BRIAN! BRIAN! MRS. COHEN Right, my lad. What have you been up to? BRIAN Nothing mum, uh... --[She starts backing him into a corner.] MRS. COHEN Come on. Out with it. BRIAN They think I'm the messiah, mum. --[] MRS. COHEN Now what have you been telling them? BRIAN Nothing, I only... MRS. COHEN You're only making it worse for yourself. BRIAN Look, I can explain... --[She hits him again.] JUDITH No! Let ME explain, Mrs. Cohen! --[MC turns around to see a naked Judith standing behind her, apparently about to explain everything to her. {I'm sure she feels a whole lot more comfortable about it all now.!}] Your son is a born leader. those people out there are following him because they believe in him, Mrs. Cohen. They believe he can give them hope. Hope of a new life, a new world, a better future. MRS. COHEN < >!!!!!!!! Who's THAT? BRIAN Oooh! It's Judith, mum. Judith, mother. Mmm. Waaaaaaaaah! --[As Brian gets hit again, Judith runs over to protect him. {I love that bit of the film *:) }] MRS. COHEN Oooooooh! [She goes over to the window.] CROWD THE MESSIAH, THE MESSIAH. SHOW US THE MESSIAH. THE MESSIAH, THE MESSIAH. SHOW US THE MESSIAH. MRS. COHEN Now you listen here. He's not he messiah, he's a very naughty boy! Now go away. CROWD WHO ARE YOU? MRS. COHEN I'm his mother, that's who. CROWD BEHOLD HIS MOTHER! BEHOLD HIS MOTHER! HAIL TO THEE MOTHER OF BRIAN. BLESSED ART THOU, HOSANNAH! ALL PRAISE TO THEE, NOW AND ALWAYS!!! MRS. COHEN Aaaaahw. Now don't think you can get around me like that. He's not coming out, and that's my final word. Now shove off! CROWD NO! MRS. COHEN Did you hear what I said? CROWD YES! MRS. COHEN Oh. I see. It's like that, is it? CROWD YES! MRS. COHEN Aaaaw, well, all right then. You can see him for one minute, but not one second more. Do you understand? CROWD Yes. MRS. COHEN Promise? CROWD Well, All Right. MRS. COHEN All right. Here he is then. Come on, Brian. Come and talk to them. BRIAN But mum. Judith. MRS. COHEN Now leave that welsh tart alone. --[She drags him out to address the crowd.] BRIAN But I don't really want to, mum. CROWD BRIAN. BRIAN BRIAN Good Morning. CROWD A BLESSING! A BLESSING! A BLESSING! BRIAN No, No. please, please, please listen. I've got one or two things to say. CROWD TELL US! TELL US BOTH OF THEM. BRIAN Look. You've got it all wrong. You don't Need to follow me. You don't Need to follow anybody. You've got to think for yourselves. You're all individuals. CROWD YES! WE'RE ALL INDIVIDUALS! BRIAN You're all different. CROWD YES. WE ARE ALL DIFFERENT. FOLLOWER 5 I'm not. CROWD Ssssh. Ssssh. BRIAN You've all got to work it our for yourselves. CROWD YES. WE'VE GOT TO WORK IT OUT FOR OURSELVES. BRIAN Exactly. CROWD TELL US MORE! BRIAN No. That's the point. Don't let anyone tell you what to do. --[MC comes out 1 minute, 6 seconds later.] Otherwise... ow! no! MRS. COHEN Come on Brian. That's enough, that's enough. CROWD OOOOOH! THAT WASN'T A MINUTE. MRS. COHEN Oh yes it was. CROWD OH NO IT WASN'T! MRS. COHEN Now stop that, and go away. FOLLOWER Excuse me. MRS. COHEN Yes? FOLLOWER Are you a virgin? MRS. COHEN I Beg your pardon?!? FOLLOWER Well, if it's not a personal question, are you a virgin? MRS. COHEN If it's not a personal question? How much more personal can you get? Now piss off! FOLLOWER She is. CROWD Yeah. Must be... she is. Definitely... --[Brian leaves his room, to find a large number of apparently sick people (Sickos, SikMen, SikWomn ) in the next room. A Manager is also waiting for him.] SICKOS ! MANAGER Morning, Savior. --[As he manager leads him through the room, various people approach him.] SICK WOMAN Lay your hands on here, quick. SICK MAN 1 Now don't jostle the chosen one, please. SICK BABY Waaah! MANAGER Don't push that baby in the savior's face, you'll have 'till later. JEW I say. I say. Could He just see my wife... she has a headache. MANAGER You'll have to wait I'm afraid. JEW It's very bad, and we've got a luncheon appointment. MANAGER Look, the lepers are queuing. SICK MAN 2 Her brother-in-law's the ex-mayor of God. MANAGER Brian, can I introduce the gentleman who's letting us have the mount on Sunday. MOUNTAIN MAN Hello. SICK MAN 3 Don't push! --[Brian leaves and sits down on the steps outside his house, away from all the hassle.] MANAGER And keep the noise down, please? Those possessed by devils try and keep them under control a bit, can't you? Ah... Incurables? You'll just have to wait for a few minutes. Ah. Women taken in sin, line up against that wall, will you? --[Judith come out and enthusiastically joins him.] JUDITH Brian? Brian, you were fantastic! BRIAN [Proudly] You weren't so bad yourself. JUDITH No. What you said just now. It was quite extraordinary. BRIAN What? Oh, that. Was it? JUDITH We don't need any leaders, You're so right. Reg has been dominating us for too long. BRIAN Well, yes. JUDITH It needed saying, and you said it, Brian. BRIAN You're... very attractive. JUDITH It's Our revolution. We can all do it together. BRIAN I think, I think... JUDITH We're all behind you, Brian. The revolution is in your hands. BRIAN What? No, that's not what I meant at all... --[A hand slaps onto his shoulder.] CENTURIAN You're fuckin' nicked, me old beauty. Right. --[As Brian gets led off, Judith, not knowing what to do, viciously attacks the centurian.] Stop that. --[Brian is brought back to Pilates palace.] --{In this scene, the Centurian's true self is revealed. I LOVE HIM!!!} PILATE Well Bwian, you've given us a good wun for our money. BRIAN [Almost bored, and resigned.] A what? [] Aaaaah. PILATE This time, I guarantee you will not escape. Guard. Do we have any crucifixions today? GUARD 'Hundred and thirty nine, sir. Special celebration, Passover sir. PILATE Wight. Now we have a hundred and fourty. Nice wound number, eh Bigus? --[We now see Bigus Dickus lying on a couch. You can't see if he Does.] BIGUS DICKUS Hmm. --[The Centurian walks in from the balcony, where we can hear a rather restless crowd.] CENTURIAN Hail Caeser. PILATE Hail. CENTURIAN The crowd outside are getting a bit restless, sir. Permission to disperse them please. PILATE Disperse them? But I haven't addwessed them yet. CENTURIAN Ah, no, I know sir, but.. PILATE My addwess is one of the high points of the Passover. My fwiend, Bigus Dickus has come all the way fwom Wome just to heaw it. CENTURIAN Hail Caeser. BIGUS DICKUS Hail Theather. CENTURIAN You're not... Ah, you're not eh, tinking of giving it a miss this year then, sir? PILATE Give it a miss? CENTURIAN Well, it's just that they're in a rather funny mood today, sir. PILATE Weally, centurian. I'm surprised to hear a man like you wattled by a wabble of wowdy webels. CENTURIAN {He's really slagging the shit out of poor Pilate.} Ahh bit thundery, sir. PILATE Take him away. BRIAN I'm a Roman. Ah, I can prove it, honestly. PILATE And cwucify him well. Bigus. CENTURIAN Ah... I, I really wouldn't, sir. PILATE Out of the way, centurian. BIGUS DICKUS Let me come with you, Ponthiuth. I may be of thum athithtanth if there ith a thudden crithith. --[A look of despair comes over the centurian's face. He rushes to their aid.] --[Meanwhile, back at the HQ.] REG Right, now, eh. item four: attainment of world supremacy within the next five years. Eh, Francis, you've been doing some work on this. FRANCIS Yeah, thank you, Reg. Well, quite frankly, siblings, I think five years is optimistic, unless we can smash the Roman empire within the next twelve months. REG Twelve months? FRANCIS Yeah. Twelve months. And let's face it... as empires go, this is the big one, so we've got to get up of our arses, and stop just talking about it. PFJ Hear Hear!!! LORETTA I agree. It's action that counts, not words, and we need action now. PFJ Hear Hear!!! REG You're right. We could sit around here all day talking, passing resolutions, making clever speeches, it's not going to shift one Roman soldier. FRANCIS So let's just stop gabbing on about it, it's completely pointless, and it's getting us nowhere. PFJ Right. LORETTA I agree. This is a complete waste of time. --[Judith runs in, panicked.] JUDITH They've arrested Brian!! PFJ What? JUDITH They've dragged him off. They're going to crucify him. REG Right. This calls for immediate discussion. JUDITH What?!? REBEL 1 Immediate. REBEL 2 Right. LORETTA New motion? REG Completely new motion. Eh, That, ah. That there be, ah, immediate action, FRANCIS ... ah, once the vote has been taken. REG Well, obviously once the vote has been taken, you can't act on a resolution 'till you've voted on it. JUDITH Reg, for God's sake, let's go now, please! REG Yeah, yeah. Right, right. In the, in the light of fresh information from, ah, sibling Judith. LORETTA [Who's taking notes.] Ah, not so fast, Reg. JUDITH Reg, For God's sake. It's perfectly simple. All you've got to do is to go out of that door now, and try to stop the Romans nailing him up. It's happening, Reg. Something's actually happening, Reg. Can't you understand? Aaawoooooo!!!!! [She rushes out in a rage.] FRANCIS Oh. Oh dear. REG Hello... and a little ego-trip for the feminists. LORETTA What? REG Ah, oh, sorry, Loretta. Aaah. Aaah, read that back, would you? --[In the prisons, a Roman and two jailers stand, with a large queue up to them.] ROMAN Next. Crucifixion? PRISONER 1 Yes. ROMAN Good. Out of the door, line on the left. One cross each. Next. Crucifixion? PRISONER 2 Yes. ROMAN Good. Out of the door, line on the left. One cross each. Next. Crucifixion? TROUBLE Eh? No, freedom. ROMAN What? TROUBLE Eh, freedom for me. They said I hadn't done anything, so I could go free and live on an island somewhere. ROMAN Oh? Oh, that's jolly good. Well, off you go then. TROUBLE Naah. I'm only pulling your leg. It's crucifixion really. ROMAN Oho, I see. Very good very good. Well, out of the door... TROUBLE Yeah. I know the way. Out of the door, one cross each, line on the left. ROMAN Line on the left, yes. Thank you. Crucifixion? PRISONER 3 Yes. ROMAN Good. --[A fanfare welcomes Pilate.] CROWD YAY! YAY! PILATE People of Jewusalem. Wome is your fwiend. CROWD wahaha. PILATE To pwove ow fwiendship, it is customawy at this time to welease a wongdower fwom ow pwisons. CROWD Hahahaha. SENTRY --[Bigus and the Centurian stare at him.] PILATE Whom would you have me welease? MAN Welease Woger! CROWD Yeah! WELEASE WOGER! WELEASE WOGER! Hahahahaha. PILATE Vewwy well. I shall welease woger! CROWD Yay. Yay. CENTURIAN Sir, eh. We don't have a Woger, sir. PILATE What? CENTURIAN Eh, we don't have anyone of that name, sir. PILATE Ah. We have no Woger. CROWD Aaaaaah. MAN Well what about Wodewic then. CROWD Yeah. WELEASE WODEWIC! WELEASE WODEWIC! PILATE Centurain. Why do they titter so? CENTURIAN Just some, uh, Jewish joke, sir. PILATE Are they... swagging me? CENTURIAN Oh, no, sir! SENTRY PILATE Vewwy well. I shall welease Wodewic! CROWD Waaahahahaha. CENTURIAN Sir, we don't have a Roderic either. PILATE No Woger, no Wodewic. CENTURIAN Sorry, sir. PILATE Who is the Wog... Who is the Wodewic to whom you wefer? MAN 1 He's a wobber. CROWD Ahhhhahahah. MAN 2 and a wapist. CROWD Ahahahhahah! WOMAN ... and a pickpocket! CROWD Aaah no. ssssssh. PILATE He sounds a notowious cwiminal. CENTURIAN We haven't got him, sir. PILATE Do we have anyone in our pwisons at all? CENTURIAN Oh yes, sir. We've got a Samson, sir. PILATE Samson? CENTURIAN Samson the Saggisea strangler, sir. Ah, Silas the Assyrian Assassin. Ah, several seditious scribes from Ceaserea, ah... sixty seven seers from... BIGUS DICKUS Let me thpeak to them, Ponthiuth. CENTURIAN Oh, no. PILATE Ah. Good idea, Bigus. BIGUS DICKUS Thitizenth. We have Thamthon the Thaggithea thtrangler, Thilas the Athyrian Athathin, theveral thadiciouth thcribeth from Theatherea... --[Back in the prisons.] --{OK. So I've been totally accurate so far... NOT for Jailer2!!!} ROMAN Next. Ah. Crucifixion? PRISONER 4 Yes. ROMAN Good. Out of the door, line on the left. One cross each. Jailer? BRIAN Excuse me. There's been some sort of mistake. ROMAN Just a moment, would you? Jailer. How many have come through? JAILER 1 What? ROMAN Uh... how many have come through? JAILER 1 What? JAILER 2 Uh, Y-y-y-you'll have to s-s-spea s-s-s-sp s-s-s-sp s-s-speak up a-a bit, sir. He's-he's-he's-he's de. He's-he's-he's-dea. He's-he's-he's deaf as a, deaf as a p-p-post, sir. ROMAN Eh... How Many Have Come Through??!! JAILER 1 Hhhih hih hih nyih nyih nyih. ROMAN Oh dear. JAILER 2 I make it ninety ffffff... ninety ffffff... ninety ffffff... ninety six, sir. ROMAN It's such a senseless waste of human life, isn't it? JAILER 2 N-n-n-n-NO, sir. Not for these b-b-BASTARDS, sir. C-crrr-crrrr-crrrr crrrrucifixion's too good for them, sir. ROMAN I don't think you could say it's too good for them. It's, it's very nasty. JAILER 2 Well, it's not as n-n-n-na na na. Not as nasty as something I just thought up, sir. ROMAN No. Uh, now, um. Crucifixion. BRIAN Is there someone I can speak to? ROMAN Well... JAILER 1 I know where to get it, if you want it. ROMAN What? JAILER 2 Don't worry about hi-hi-him, sir. He-he's de. He's de. He's deaf and Mmmmmmmmmad, sir. ROMAN Well how did he get the job? JAILER 2 Bloody Pilate's pet, sir. JAILER 1 Hihih. TROUBLE Get a move on, Bignose. There's people waiting to be crucified out here. Hehehehehehehe. BRIAN Could I see a lawyer or someone? ROMAN Um, do, do you have a lawyer? BRIAN No, but I'm a Roman. TROUBLE How about a re-trial? We've got plenty of time. --[Another centurian (Cent2) stands outside guarding the prisoners.] CENTURIAN 2 Shut up, you. TROUBLE Miserable bloody Romans. No sense of humor. Oooh. ROMAN I'm sorry. Bit of a hurry. Can you go straight out, line on the left. One cross each. Now... CROWD AHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!! BIGUS DICKUS Wath it thomething I thaid? PILATE Silence! This man commands the cwack legions! CROWD ___WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAA!!!___ PILATE He wanks as high as any in Wome!!! CROWD ___AHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAA!!!___ --[Outside the prisons, the Roman addresses the crucifees-to-be.] ROMAN Crucifixion Party. Morning. Now. We will be on show as we go through the town, so let's not let the side down. Keep in a good straight line. Three lengths between you and the man in front, and a good steady pace. Crosses over your left shoulders, and if you keep your backs hard up against the crossbeam, you'll be there in no time. PRISONER 1 Oooooooh. ROMAN Heh. All right, centurian. CENTURIAN 2 Crucifixion Party! --[Some of them stumble forward.] Wait for it... Crucifixion party, by the left. Forward! --[The start moving, slowly. We can see the Prisonr who Brian was locked up with earlier hanging upside-down... but at least he has a view out a grate.] PRISONER You lucky bastards! You lucky, jammy bastards! --[A man selling candle-crosses pities the poor bastards. I call him a Christian (Cristin) because he is sooooo nice, and suffers *:) ] CHRISTIAN Let me shoulder your burden, brother. [He takes the cross.] PRISONER X Oh, thank you. CHRISTIAN H-hey! CENTURIAN 2 [To the Christian, who's turning around to watch PrisntX run off.] OI! What do you think you're doing? CHRISTIAN Ah, i-it's not my cross. CENTURIAN 2 Shut up, and get on with it! TROUBLE Aaahahahahahahaha. He had you there, mate, didn't he? That'll teach you a lesson. Ooohoohoo. PILATE All right. I will give you one more chance. This time, I want to hear no Wubens. No Weginalds. No Wudolf the wed-nosed weindeers. BIGUS DICKUS No Thpenther Trathies. PILATE ... or we shall welease no-one. JUDITH Release Brian!! MAN 1 Oh yeah. That's a good one. WELEASE BWIAN! CROWD WELEASE BWIAN! WELEASE BWIAN! AAAAAAHHHAHAHAHHAHHAHHA!!! PILATE Vewwy well. That's it. CENTURIAN Sir. We uh. We have got a Brian, sir. PILATE What? CENTURIAN You just sent him for crucifixion, sir. PILATE Uh. Ah, wait, wait. We do have a Bwian. Well, go and wepwieve him, stwaight away. CENTURIAN Yes sir. Yes sir. PILATE Vewwy well. I shall welease Bwian!!! CENTURIAN 2 Get a move on there. TROUBLE Or what? CENTURIAN 2 Or you'll be in trouble! TROUBLE Oh dear. You mean I might have to give up being crucified in the afternoons? CENTURIAN 2 Shut up! TROUBLE That would be a blow. Wouldn't it? I wouldn't have naffing to do! [Cent2 whips him.] Oh, thank you. --[The Centurain has run down to the prison.] CENTURIAN Have they gone? JAILER 1 We. We've got lumps of it round the back. CENTURIAN What? JAILER 2 Oh, don't worry about him, sir. He's M. He's m...... he's mad, sir. CENTURIAN Have they gone?!?! JAILER 2 Oh, Ye.. nnnn.. N. N. N. JAILER 1 Hehehe. JAILER 2 N. ny. ny... CENTURIAN Oh, come on! JAILER 2 NnnYes, sir. --[The Centurian leaves.] Anyway. Get on with the story. JAILER 1 Well, it's his favorite item, you know, he's... --[At the PF HQ.] REG Right. That's the motion to get on with it passed with uh, one abstention. I now propose we go without further ado. May I have a second, therefore? Yeah. --[They go.] --[Brian can see the crosses that are already up.] --[The centurian runs through the streets.] TRADER Bloody Romans! CENTURIAN Watch it! There's still a few crosses left. --[The prisoners are now being strung up.] CENTURIAN 2 Up you go, Bignose! BIGNOSE I'll get you for this, you bastard. CENTURIAN 2 Oh yeah? BIGNOSE Oh yeah. Don't worry. I never forget a face. CENTURIAN 2 No? BIGNOSE I warn you, I'm going to punch you so hard, you Roman git! CENTURIAN 2 Shut up, you Jewish turd. BIGNOSE Who are you calling Jewish? I'm not Jewish... I'm a Samaritan. JEW A Samaritan? This is supposed to be a Jewish section. CENTURIAN 2 It doesn't matter... you're all going to die in a day or two. JEW It may not matter to you, Roman, but it certainly matters to us, doesn't it darling? JEW WIFE Oh, rather. JEW Under the terms of the Roman occupancy, we're entitled to be crucified in a purely Jewish area. SARSEAN Sarrisea separate to Saggisea. WELSHMAN And Swedish separate to Welsh! VICTIMS Yeah... ... CENTURIAN 2 All right, all right, all right. We'll soon settle this. Hands up all those who don't want to be crucified here. --[Since they can't move their arms. *:) .] --{Nice one centurian, like it, like it.} Right. NEXT! CHRISTIAN Ah, look, it's not my cross. CENTURIAN 2 What? CHRISTIAN Um. It's not my cross. I was ah, holding it for someone. CENTURIAN 2 Just lie down. I haven't got all day. CHRISTIAN No, of course. Um, look. I hate to make a fuss... CENTURIAN 2 Look. We've had a busy day. There's a hundred and fourty of you lot to get up. JEW Is HE Jewish? CENTURIAN 2 Will you be quiet! JEW We don't want any more Samaritans around here. CENTURIAN 2 BELT UP! CHRISTIAN Look, uh. Will you let me down if he comes back? CENTURIAN 2 Yeah, yeah. We'll let you down. Next. BRIAN You don't have to do this. You don't have to take orders. CENTURIAN 2 I like orders. --[As Brian gets put up, we see the PFJ (officials) walking through the streets.] TROUBLE See. Not so bad, once you're up. You being rescued then, are you? BRIAN It's a bit late for that now, isn't it? TROUBLE Oh, no, no. We've got a couple of days up here. Plenty of time. Lots of people get rescued. BRIAN Aaah? TROUBLE Oh, yeah. My brother usually rescues me, if he can keep off the tail for more than twenty minutes. Huh. Randy little bugger... up and down like the Assyrian empire. Huhuhuhu. --[The PFJ arrive.] Hello. Your family arrived then? BRIAN Reg. REG Hello, sibling Brian. BRIAN Thank God you've come, Reg. REG Aaah, yes well I think I should point out first, Brian that in all fairness we are not in fact the rescue committee, however I have been asked to read the following prepared statement on behalf of the movement. We, the People's Front of Judea (brackets, officials, end brackets) do hereby convey our sincere fraternal and sisterly greetings to you, Brian; on this, the occasion of your martyrdom. BRIAN WHAT?!?!?!?! REG Your death will stand as a landmark in the continuing struggle to liberate the parentland from the hands of the Roman imperialist aggressors excluding those concerned with drainage, medicine, roads, housing, education, viniculture, and any other Romans contributing to the welfare of Jews of both sexes, and hermaphrodites. Signed on behalf of the PFJ etc. And I would just like to add on a personal note my own admiration for what you are doing for us Brian. And what must be, after all, for you, a very difficult time. BRIAN Reg! What are you going to do? REG Goodbye Brian, and thanks. --[They start walking away.] FRANCIS Well done, Brian. Keep it up, lad. LORETTA Terrific work, Brian. --[Once they've got a short way off, they stop, and take a vote.] Rebel Yeah, all right. REG Yeah. And... PFJ For he's a jolly good fellow, For he's a jolly good fellow, For he's a jolly good fellow, And so say all of us. LORETTA ... and so say all of... --[Reg nudges him to shut up, and they all start clapping.] BRIAN You bastards! You bastards! CENTURIAN Where is Brian of Nazareth? --[In his shouting, Brian can't hear him.] BRIAN You sanctimonious bastards. CENTURIAN I have on order for his release. BRIAN You stupid bastards! TROUBLE Uh. I'm Brian of Nazareth. BRIAN WHAT?!? TROUBLE Yeah. I-I'm Brian of Nazareth. CENTURIAN Take him down. BRIAN I'M Brian of Nazareth. VICTIM 1 I'm Brian. BIGNOSE I'm Brian. VICTIM 2 I'm Brian. BRIAN I'm Brian. VARIOUS I'm Brian. JEW I'm Brian and so's my wife. VICTIMS ...I'm Brian... CENTURIAN All right. Take him away, and release him. --[He gets taken down, and carried off.] TROUBLE Naah. I'm only joking. I'm not really Brian. No. I'm not Brian. No, leave... let go! I'm only pulling your leg. It's A Joke! I'm not him, I'm just having you on. Put me back!!! No, let go!... --[A groups of oriental-looking warriors come over a hill.] WORKER 1 Uuuuh. The Judean People's Front!!! WORKER 2 The Judean People's Front!!! JPF HEAD Forward all!!! WORKER 3 No! The Judean People's Front!!! Help! --[The JPF stop in front of Brian's cross.] JPF HEAD We are the Judean People's Front. Crack suicide squad. Suicide Squad! Attack!!! --[They all ceremonially whip out their weapons, open a hatch in their armor, and proceed to kill themselves.] JPF HEAD Ggggg. That showed 'em, huh? BRIAN You silly sods. --[Enter Judith.] JUDITH Brian! Brian! Brian! Brian! BRIAN Judith! JUDITH Terrific, great! Reg has explained it all to me. I think it's great what you're doing. Thank you, Brian. I'll. I'll never forget you. --[By this stage, Brian has given up. Then, as Judith runs off, our screens are filled with a horrible face... Mrs. Cohen!!!] MRS. COHEN So there you are. I might have known it would end up like this. To think of all the love, and affection I've wasted on you. Well, if that's how you treat your poor old mother in the autumn years of her life, all I can say is go ahead. Be crucified. See if I care. I might have known... BRIAN {I really feel sorry for him. Don't you?} Mum! Mum! MRS. COHEN ...I don't know what the world's coming to... Singer Cheer up, Brian. You know what they say. Some things in life are bad, They can really make you mad. Other things just make you swear and curse. When you're chewing on life's grissle, Don't grumble, give a whistle. And this'll help things turn out for the best, And... Always look on the bright side of life Always look on the light side of life If life seems jolly rotten, There's something you've forgotten, And that's to laugh, and smile, and dance, and sing. When you're feeling in the dumps, Don't be silly chumps, Just purse your lips and whistle, that's the thing. And... Always look on the bright side of life (Come on!) Always look on the right side of life For life is quite absurd, And death's the final word. You must always face the curtain wih a bow. Forget about your sin, Give the audience a grin. Enjoy it, it's your last chance anyhow, So... Always look on the bright side of death Just before you draw your terminal breath. Life's a piece of shit, When you look at it. Life's a laugh, and death's a joke, it's true. You'll see it's all a show, Keep 'em laughing as you go, Just remember that the last laugh is on you. And... Always look on the bright side of life Always look on the right side of life (Come on, Brian... cheer up.) Always look on the bright side of life Always look on the bright side of life (Worse things happen at sea, you know.) Always look on the bright side of life (I mean, what have you got to lose? You know. You come from nothing, you're going back to nothing, what have you lost? Nothing!) Always look on the bright side of life (Nothing will come from nothing, you know what they say. Cheer up, you old bugger. Come on, give us a grin.) Always look on the bright side of life (There you are. See. It's the end of the film. Incidentally this record's available in the foyer.) Always look on the bright side of life (Some of us have got to live as well you know. Who do you think pays for all this rubbish?) Always look on the bright side of life (They'll never make their money back, you know.) (I told him, I said to him, Bernie, I said, they'll never make their money back.) Always look on the bright side of life!

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