Monty Python's Life of Brian Brian . the babe they called Brian Grew . grew grew and grew,

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Monty Python's Life of Brian Brian ... the babe they called Brian Grew ... grew grew and grew, grew up to be A boy called Brian A boy called Brian He had arms and legs and hands and feet This boy whose name was Brian And he grew, grew, grew and grew Grew up to be Yes he grew up to be A teenager called Brian A teenager called Brian And his face became spotty Yes his face became spotty And his voice dropped down low And things started to grow On young Brian and show He was certainly no No girl named Brian Not a girl named Brian And he started to shave And have one off the wrist And want to see girls And go out and get pissed This man called Brian This man called Brian Three camels are silhouetted against the bright stars of the moonless sky, moving slowly along the horizon. A star leads them towards Bethlehem. The Wise Men enter the gates of the sleeping town and make their way through the deserted streets. A dog snarls at them. They approach a stable, out of which streams a beam of light. They dismount and enter to find a typical manger scene, with a baby in a rough crib of straw and patient animals standing around. The mother nods by the side of the child. Suddenly she wakes from her lightish doze, sees them, shrieks and falls backwards off her straw. She's up again in a flash, looking guardedly at them. She is a ratbag. Mandy: Who are you? Wise Man 1: We are three wise men. Wise Man 2: We are astrologers. We have come from the East. Mandy: Is this some kind of joke? Wise Man 1: We wish to praise the infant. Wise Man 2: We must pay homage to him. Mandy: Homage!! You're all drunk you are. It's disgusting. Out, out! Wise Man 3: No, no. Mandy: Coming bursting in here first thing in the morning with some tale about Oriental fortune tellers... get out! Wise Man 1: No. No we must see him. Mandy: Go and praise someone else's brat, go on. Wise Man 2: We were led by a star. Mandy: Led by a bottle, more like. Get out! Wise Man 2: We must see him. We have brought presents. Mandy: Out! Wise Man 1: Gold, frankincense, myrrh. (her attitude changes immediately) Mandy: Well, why didn't you say so? He's over here...Sorry this place is a bit of a mess. What is myrrh, anyway? Wise Man 3: It is a valuable balm. Mandy: A balm, what are you giving him a balm for? It might bite him. Wise Man 3: What? Mandy: It's a dangerous animal. Quick, throw it in the trough. Wise Man 3: No it isn't. Mandy: Yes it is. Wise Man 3: No, no, it is an ointment. Mandy: An ointment? Wise Man 3: Look. Mandy: (sampling the ointment with a grubby finger) Oh. There is an animal called a balm or did I dream it? You astrologers, eh? Well, what's he then? Wise Man 2: H'm? Mandy: What star sign is he? Wise Man 2: Capricorn. Mandy: Capricorn, eh, what are they like? Wise Man 2: He is the son of God, our Messiah. Wise Man 1: King of the Jews. Mandy: And that's Capricorn, is it? Wise Man 3: No, no, that's just him. Mandy: Oh, I was going to say, otherwise there'd be a lot of them. (The Wise Men are on their knees) Wise Man 2: By what name are you calling him? (Dramatic Holy music) Mandy: Brian. Three Wise Men: We worship you, Oh, Brian, who are Lord over us all. Praise unto you, Brian and to the Lord our Father. Amen. Mandy: Do you do a lot of this, then? Wise Man 1: What? Mandy: This praising. Wise Man 1: No, no, no. Mandy: Oh! Well, if you're dropping by again do pop in. (they take the hint and rise) And thanks a lot for the gold and frankincense but...don't worry too much about the myrrh next time. Thank you...Goodbye. (to Brian) Well, weren't they nice...out of their bloody minds, but still... In the background we see the Wise Men pause outside another door as a gentle glow suffuses them. They look at each other, confer and then stride back in and grab the presents from Mandy and turn to go again, pushing Mandy over. Mandy: Here, here, that's mine, you just gave me that. Ow! The Leper Scene (As MANDY and BRIAN pass through the city gate, they attract a sort of muscular, fit and healthy young BEGGAR, who pursues them relentlessly through the busy streets.) EX-LEPER Spare a talent for an old ex-leper, sir. MANDY (to EX-LEPER) Buzz off! EX-LEPER (The EX-LEPER has come round to BRIAN's side.) Spare a talent for an old ex-leper, sir. BRIAN Did you say -- ex-leper? EX-LEPER That's right, sir. (he salutes) ... sixteen years behind the bell, and proud of it, thank you sir. BRIAN What happened? EX-LEPER I was cured, sir. BRIAN Cured? EX-LEPER Yes sir, a bloody miracle, sir. Bless you. BRIAN Who cured you? EX-LEPER Jesus did. I was hopping along, when suddenly he comes and cures me. One minute I'm a leper with a trade, next moment me livelihood's gone. Not so much as a by your leave. (gestures in the manner of a conjuror) You're cured mate, sod you. MANDY Go away. EX-LEPER Look. I'm not saying that being a leper was a bowl of cherries. But it was a living. I mean, you try waving muscular suntanned limbs in people's faces demanding compassion. It's a bloody disaster. MANDY You could go and get yourself a decent job, couldn't you? EX-LEPER Look, sir, my family has been in begging six generations. I'm not about to become a goat-herd, just because some long-haired conjuror starts mucking about. (makes gesture again) Just like that. "You're cured." Bloody do-gooder! BRIAN Well, why don't you go and tell him you want to be a leper again? EX-LEPER Ah yeah, I could do that, sir yes, I suppose I could. What I was going to do was ask him if he could ... you know, just make me a bit lame in one leg during the week, you know, something beggable, but not leprosy, which is a pain in the arse to be quite blunt, sir, excuse my French but ... (They have reached BRIAN and MANDY's house. MANDY goes in. BRIAN gives the BEGGAR a coin.) BRIAN There you are. EX-LEPER Thank you sir ... half a denary for my bloody life story! BRIAN There's no pleasing some people EX-LEPER That's just what Jesus said. The Inalienable Rights Scene (A huge Roman amphitheatre sparsely attended. REG, FRANCIS, STAN and JUDITH are seated in the stands. They speak conspiratorially.) JUDITH ... Any Anti-Imperialist group like ours must *reflect* such a divergence of interests within its power-base. REG Agreed. (General nodding.) Francis? FRANCIS I think Judith's point of view is valid here, Reg, provided the Movement never forgets that it is the inalienable right of every man ... STAN Or woman. FRANCIS Or woman ... to rid himself ... STAN Or herself. REG Or herself. Agreed. Thank you, brother. STAN Or sister. FRANCIS Thank you, brother. Or sister. Where was I? REG I thought you'd finished. FRANCIS Oh, did I? Right. REG Furthermore, it is the birthright of every man ... STAN Or woman. REG Why don't you shut up about women, Stan, you're putting us off. STAN Women have a perfect right to play a part in our movement, Reg. FRANCIS Why are you always on about women, Stan? STAN ... I want to be one. REG ... What? STAN I want to be a woman. From now on I want you all to call me Loretta. REG What!? STAN It's my right as a man. JUDITH Why do you want to be Loretta, Stan? STAN I want to have babies. REG You want to have babies?!?!?! STAN It's every man's right to have babies if he wants them. REG But you can't have babies. STAN Don't you oppress me. REG I'm not oppressing you, Stan -- you haven't got a womb. Where's the fetus going to gestate? You going to keep it in a box? (STAN starts crying.) JUDITH Here! I've got an idea. Suppose you agree that he can't actually have babies, not having a womb, which is nobody's fault, not even the Romans', but that he can have the *right* to have babies. FRANCIS Good idea, Judith. We shall fight the oppressors for your right to have babies, brother. Sister, sorry. REG What's the point? FRANCIS What? REG What's the point of fighting for his right to have babies, when he can't have babies? FRANCIS It is symbolic of our struggle against oppression. REG It's symbolic of his struggle against reality. The Front's Demands Scene (The interior of MATTHIAS'S HOUSE. A cellar-like room with a very conspiratorial atmosphere. REG and STAN are seated at a table at one end of the room. FRANCIS, dressed in commando gear -- black robes and a red sash around his head -- is standing by a plan on the wall. He is addressing an audience of about eight MASKED COMMANDOS. Their faces are partially hidden.) FRANCIS We get in through the underground heating system here ... up through to the main audience chamber here ... and Pilate's wife's bedroom is here. Having grabbed his wife, we inform Pilate that she is in our custody and forthwith issue our demands. Any questions? COMMANDO XERXES What exactly are the demands? REG We're giving Pilate two days to dismantle the entire apparatus of the Roman Imperialist State and if he doesn't agree immediately we execute her. MATTHIAS Cut her head of? FRANCIS Cut all her bits off, send 'em back every hour on the hour ... show him we're not to be trifled with. REG Also, we're demanding a ten foot mahogany statue of the Emperor Julius Caesar with his cock hanging out. STAN What? They'll never agree to that, Reg. REG That's just a bargaining counter. And of course, we point out that they bear full responsibility when we chop her up, AND ... that we shall NOT submit to blackmail. ALL (Applause) No blackmail!!!! REG They've bled us white, the bastards. They've taken everything we had, not just from us, from our fathers and from our fathers' fathers. STAN And from our fathers' fathers' fathers. REG Yes. STAN And from our fathers' fathers' fathers' fathers. REG All right, Stan. Don't labour the point. And what have they ever given us IN RETURN? (he pauses smugly) XERXES The aqueduct? REG What? XERXES The aqueduct. REG Oh yeah, yeah they gave us that. Yeah. That's true. MASKED COMMANDO And the sanitation! STAN Oh yes ... sanitation, Reg, you remember what the city used to be like. REG All right, I'll grant you that the aqueduct and the sanitation are two things that the Romans HAVE done ... MATTHIAS And the roads ... REG (sharply) Well YES OBVIOUSLY the roads ... the roads go without saying. But apart from the aqueduct, the sanitation and the roads ... ANOTHER MASKED COMMANDO Irrigation ... OTHER MASKED VOICES Medicine ... Education ... Health REG Yes ... all right, fair enough ... COMMANDO NEARER THE FRONT And the wine ... GENERAL Oh yes! True! FRANCIS Yeah. That's something we'd really miss if the Romans left, Reg. MASKED COMMANDO AT BACK Public baths! STAN AND it's safe to walk in the streets at night now. FRANCIS Yes, they certainly know how to keep order ... (general nodding) ... let's face it, they're the only ones who could in a place like this. (more general murmurs of agreement) REG All right ... all right ... but apart from better sanitation and medicine and education and irrigation and public health and roads and a freshwater system and baths and public order ... what HAVE the Romans done for US? XERXES Brought peace! REG (very angry, he's not having a good meeting at all) What!? Oh ... (scornfully) Peace, yes ... shut up! Latin Lesson Brian is writing a slogan to a wall, oblivious to the Roman patrol approaching from behind. The slogan is "ROMANES EUNT DOMUS". C: What's this thing? "ROMANES EUNT DOMUS"? "People called Romanes they go the house"? B: It, it says "Romans go home". C: No it doesn't. What's Latin for "Roman"? B: (hesitates) C: Come on, come on! B: (uncertain) "ROMANUS". C: Goes like? B: "-ANUS". C: Vocative plural of "-ANUS" is? B: "-ANI". C: (takes paintbrush from Brian and paints over) "RO-MA-NI". "EUNT"? What is "EUNT"? B: "Go". C: Conjugate the verb "to go"! B: "IRE". "EO", "IS", "IT", "IMUS", "ITIS", "EUNT". C: So "EUNT" is ...? B: Third person plural present indicative, "they go". C: But "Romans, go home!" is an order, so you must use the ...? (lifts Brian by his hairs) B: The ... imperative. C: Which is? B: Ahm, oh, oh, "I", "I"! C: How many romans? (pulls harder) B: Plural, plural! "ITE". C: (strikes over "EUNT" and paints "ITE" to the wall) (satisfied) "I-TE". "DOMUS"? Nominative? "Go home", this is motion towards, isn't it, boy? B: (very anxious) Dative? C: (draws his sword and holds it to Brian's throat) B: Ahh! No, ablative, ablative, sir. No, the, accusative, accusative, ah, DOMUM, sir. C: Except that "DOMUS" takes the ...? B: ... the locative, sir! C: Which is? B: "DOMUM". C: (satisfied) "DOMUM" (strikes out "DOMUS" and writes "DOMUM") "-MUM". Understand? B: Yes sir. C: Now write it down a hundred times. B: Yes sir, thank you sir, hail Caesar, sir. C: (salutes) Hail Caesar. If it's not done by sunrise, I'll cut your balls off. B: (very reliefed) Oh thank you sir, thank you sir, hail Caesar and everything, sir! The Brian in Jail Scene (BRIAN wakes up with a smile on his face to find himself being dragged along a cell corridor by TWO GUARDS. The horrible figure of the JAILER spits at him and flings him into a dark damp cell, slamming the iron grate behind him and turning the key hollowly in the lock. BRIAN slumps to the floor. A voice comes out of the darkness behind him.) BEN You LUCKY bastard! BRIAN (spins around and peers into the gloom) Who's that? BEN (In the darkness BRIAN just makes out an emaciated figure, suspended on the wall, with his feet off the ground, by chains round his wrists. This is BEN.) You lucky, lucky bastard. BRIAN What? BEN (with great bitterness) Proper little gaoler's pet, aren't we? BRIAN (ruffled) What do you mean? BEN You must have slipped him a few shekels, eh? BRIAN Slipped him a few shekels!? You saw him spit in my face! BEN Ohh! What wouldn't I give to be spat at in the face! I sometimes hang awake at nights dreaming of being spat in the face. BRIAN Well, it's not exactly friendly, is it? They had me in manacles ... BEN Manacles! Oooh. (his eyes go quite dreamy) My idea of heaven is to be allowed to be put in manacles ... just for a few hours. They must think the sun shines out of your arse, sonny! BRIAN Listen! They beat me up before they threw me in here. BEN Oh yeah? The only day they don't beat me up is on my birthday. BRIAN Oh shut up. BEN Well, your type makes me sick! You come in here, you get treated like Royalty, and everyone outside thinks you're a bloody martyr. BRIAN Oh, lay off me ... I've had a hard time! BEN YOU'VE had a hard time! Listen, sonny! I've been here five years and they only hung me the right way up yesterday! BRIAN All right! All right! BEN I just wish I had half your luck. They must think you're Lord God Almighty! BRIAN What'll they do to me? BEN Oh, you'll probably get away with crucifixion. BRIAN Crucifixion! BEN Yeah, first offence. BRIAN Get away with crucifixion! BEN Best thing the Romans ever did for us. BRIAN (incredulous) What? BEN Oh yeah. If we didn't have crucifixion this country would be in a right bloody mess I tell you. BRIAN (who can stand it no longer) Guard! BEN Nail 'em up I say! BRIAN (dragging himself over to the door) Guard! BEN Nail some sense into them! GUARD (looking through the bars) What do you want? BRIAN I want to be moved to another cell. (GUARD spits in his face.) BRIAN Oh! (he recoils in helpless disgust) BEN Oh ... look at that! Bloody favouritism! GUARD Shut up, you! BEN Sorry! Sorry! (he lowers his voice) Now take my case. I've been here five years, and every night they take me down for ten minutes, then they hang me up again ... which I regard as very fair ... in view of what I done ... and if nothing else, it's taught me to respect the Romans, and it's taught me that you'll never get anywhere in life unless you're prepared to do a fair day's work for a fair day's pay ... BRIAN Oh ... Shut up! CENTURION Pilate wants to see you. BRIAN Me? CENTURION Come on. BRIAN Pilate? What does he want to see me for? CENTURION I think he wants to know which way up you want to be crucified. (He laughs. The TWO SOLDIERS smirk. BEN laughs uproariously.) BEN ... Nice one, centurion. Like it, like it. CENTURION (to BEN) Shut up! (BRIAN is hustled out. The door slams.) BEN Terrific race the Romans ... terrific. The Pilate's Chamber Scene (BRIAN is hauled into PILATE'S audience chamber. It is big and impressive, although a certain amount of redecorating is underway. The CENTURION salutes.) CENTURION Hail Caesar. PILATE Hail Caesar. CENTURION Only one survivor, sir. PILATE Thwow him to the floor. CENTURION What sir? PILATE Thwow him to the floor. CENTURION Ah! (He indicates to the two roman GUARDS who throw BRIAN to the ground.) PILATE Now, what is your name, Jew? BRIAN Brian. PILATE Bwian, eh? BRIAN (trying to be helpful) No, *BRIAN*. (The CENTURION cuffs him.) PILATE The little wascal has spiwit. CENTURION Has what, sir? PILATE *SPIWIT*. CENTURION Yes, he did, sir. PILATE No, no, spiwit ... bwavado ... a touch of dewwing-do. CENTURION (still not really understanding) Ah. About eleven, sir. PILATE (to BRIAN) So you dare to waid us. BRIAN (rising to his feet) To what? PILATE Stwike him, centuwion, vewwy woughly. CENTURION And throw him to the floor, sir? PILATE What? CENTURION THWOW him to the floor again, sir? PILATE Oh yes. Thwow him to the floor. (The CENTURION knocks BRIAN hard on the side of the head again and the TWO GUARDS throw him to the floor.) PILATE Now, Jewish wapscallion. BRIAN I'm not Jewish ... I'm a Roman! PILATE *WOMAN*? BRIAN No, *ROMAN*. (But he's not quick enough to avoid another blow from the CENTURION.) PILATE So, your father was a *WOMAN*. Who was he? BRIAN (proudly) He was a centurion in the Jerusalem Garrison. PILATE Oh. What was his name? BRIAN Nortius Maximus. (An involuntary titter arises from the CENTURION.) PILATE Centuwion, do we have anyone of that name in the gawwison? CENTURION Well ... no sir. PILATE You sound vewwy sure ... have you checked? CENTURION Well ... no sir ... I think it's a joke, sir ... like ... Sillius Soddus or ... Biggus Dickus. PILATE What's so funny about Biggus Dickus? CENTURION Well ... it's a ... joke name, sir. PILATE I have a vewwy gweat fwend in Wome called Biggus Dickus. (Involuntary laughter from a nearby GUARD surprises PILATE.) PILATE Silence! What is all this insolence? You will find yourself in gladiator school vewwy quickly with wotten behaviour like that. (The GUARD tries to stop giggling. PILATE turns away from him. He is angry.) BRIAN Can I go now sir ... (The CENTURION strikes him.) PILATE Wait till Biggus hears of this! (The GUARD immediately breaks up again. PILATE turns on him.) PILATE Wight! Centuwion ... take him away. CENTURION Oh sir, he only ... PILATE I want him fighting wabid wild animals within a week. CENTURION Yes, sir. (He starts to drag out the wretched GUARD. BRIAN notices that little attention is being paid to him.) PILATE I will not have my fwends widiculed by the common soldiewy. (He walks slowly towards the other GUARDS.) PILATE Now ... anyone else feel like a little giggle when I mention my fwend ... (He goes right up to one of the GUARDS.) Biggus ... Dickus. He has a wife you know. (The GUARDS tense up.) Called Incontinentia. (The GUARDS relax.) Incontinentia Buttocks! (The GUARDS fall about laughing. BRIAN takes advantage of the chaos to slip away.) PILATE Silence! I've had enough of this wowdy wabble webel behaviour. Stop it! Call yourselves Pwaetonian guards. Silence! (But the GUARDS are all hysterical by now. PILATE notices BRIAN escaping.) PILATE You cwowd of cwacking-up cweeps. Seize him! Blow your noses and seize him! Oh my bum. The Market Haggling Scene (After BRIAN has escaped the CENTURIONS, he runs off towards the crowded market square. At one end of the market there is a speakers' corner, with many strangely bearded and oddly dressed PROPHETS attempting to attract an audience. The noisiest or the most controversial are clearly doing best at attracting PASSERS-BY. A STRANGE FIGURE with a rasta hairstyle, covered in mud, and with two severed hands on a pole waves wildly at the audience.) BLOOD & THUNDER PROPHET ... and shall ride forth on a serpents' back, and the eyes shall be red with the blood of living creatures, and the whore of Babylon shall rise over the hill of excitement and throughout the land there will be a great rubbing of parts ... (Beside him, another PROPHET with red hair, none the less fierce, is trying to attract some of the BLOOD & THUNDER PROPHET'S audience.) FALSE PROPHET And he shall bear a nine-bladed sword. Nine-bladed. Not two. Or five or seven, but nine, which he shall wield on all wretched sinners and that includes you sir, and the horns shall be on the head ... (In front of each PROPHET is a ROMAN GUARD, clearly bored but there to break up any trouble. BRIAN races into the market place. A cohort of ROMANS are searching the square roughly turning over baskets and shaking down PASSERS-BY. BRIAN appears near a rather dull little PROPHET, who is standing underneath the high window that backs out of MATTHIAS' house, the revolutionary HQ. BORING PROPHET And there shall in that time be rumours of things going astray, and there will be a great confusion as to where things really are, and nobody will really know where lieth those little things with the sort of raffia work base, that has an attachment they will not be there. (Across the square the ROMANS appear, searching. BRIAN spots HARRY, the beard salesman and moves towards his stall, an idea forming in his mind.) (The BORING PROPHET drones on and on.) BORING PROPHET At this time a friend shall lose his friends's hammer and the young shall not know where lieth the things possessed by their fathers that their fathers put there only just the night before ... (BRIAN runs up to HARRY the beard seller's stall and hurriedly grabs an artificial beard.) BRIAN How much? Quick! HARRY What? BRIAN It's for the wife. HARRY Oh. Twenty shekels. BRIAN Right. HARRY What? BRIAN (as he puts down 20 shekels) There you are. HARRY Wait a moment. BRIAN What? HARRY We're supposed to haggle. BRIAN No, no, I've got to ... HARRY What do you mean, no? BRIAN I haven't time, I've got to get ... HARRY Give it back then. BRIAN No, no, I paid you. HARRY Burt! (BURT appears. He is very big.) BURT Yeah! HARRY This bloke won't haggle. BURT (looking around) Where are the guards? BRIAN Oh, all right ... I mean do we have to ... HARRY Now I want twenty for that ... BRIAN I gave you twenty. HARRY Now are you telling me that's not worth twenty shekels? BRIAN No. HARRY Feel the quality, that's none of yer goat. BRIAN Oh ... I'll give you nineteen then. HARRY No, no. Do it properly. BRIAN What? HARRY Haggle properly. This isn't worth nineteen. BRIAN You just said it was worth twenty. HARRY Burt!! BRIAN I'll give you ten. HARRY That's more like it. (outraged) Ten!? Are you trying to insult me? Me? With a poor dying grandmother ... Ten!?! BRIAN Eleven. HARRY Now you're getting it. Eleven!?! Did I hear you right? Eleven? This cost me twelve. You want to ruin me. BRIAN Seventeen. HARRY Seventeen! BRIAN Eighteen? HARRY No, no, no. You go to fourteen now. BRIAN Fourteen. HARRY Fourteen, are you joking? BRIAN That's what you told me to say. (HARRY registers total despair.) Tell me what to say. Please. HARRY Offer me fourteen. BRIAN I'll give you fourteen. HARRY (to onlookers) He's offering me fourteen for this! BRIAN Fifteen. HARRY Seventeen. My last word. I won't take a penny less, or strike me dead. BRIAN Sixteen. HARRY Done. (He grasps BRIAN'S hand and shakes it.) Nice to do business with you. Tell you what, I'll throw in this as well. (He gives BRIAN a gourd.) BRIAN I don't want it but thanks. HARRY Burt! BURT (appearing rapidly) Yes? BRIAN All right! All right!! Thank you. HARRY Where's the sixteen then? BRIAN I already gave you twenty. HARRY Oh yes ... that's four I owe you then. (starts looking for change) BRIAN ... It's all right, it doesn't matter. HARRY Hang on. (Pause as HARRY can't find change. BRIAN sees a pair of prowling ROMANS.) BRIAN It's all right, that's four for the gourd -- that's fine! HARRY Four for the gourd. Four!!!! Look at it, that's worth ten if it's worth a shekel. BRIAN You just gave it to me for nothing. HARRY Yes, but it's *worth* ten. BRIAN All right, all right. HARRY No, no, no. It's not worth ten. You're supposed to argue. "What? Ten for that, you must be mad!" (BRIAN pays ten, runs off with the gourd, and fixes the beard on his face.) Ah, well there's one born every minute. Always Look on the Bright Side of Life Cheer up, Brian. You know what they say. Some things in life are bad, They can really make you mad. Other things just make you swear and curse. When you're chewing on life's gristle, Don't grumble, give a whistle! And this'll help things turn out for the best... And... (the music fades into the song) ..always look on the bright side of life! (whistle) Always look on the bright side of life... If life seems jolly rotten, There's something you've forgotten! And that's to laugh and smile and dance and sing, When you're feeling in the dumps, Don't be silly chumps, Just purse your lips and whistle -- that's the thing! And... always look on the bright side of life... (whistle) Come on! (other start to join in) Always look on the bright side of life... (whistle) For life is quite absurd, And death's the final word. You must always face the curtain with a bow! Forget about your sin -- give the audience a grin, Enjoy it -- it's the last chance anyhow! So always look on the bright side of death! Just before you draw your terminal breath. Life's a piece of shit, When you look at it. Life's a laugh and death's a joke, it's true, You'll see it's all a show, Keep 'em laughing as you go. Just remember that the last laugh is on you! And always look on the bright side of life... (whistle) Always look on the bright side of life (whistle)

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