Date: Sat, 12 Feb 1994 19:09:57 0800 Subject: M00se Droppings #47 REVIEW REVUE ISSUE REVIE

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Date: Sat, 12 Feb 1994 19:09:57 -0800 From: Cooking with potential energy Subject: M00se Droppings #47 ======================================================================== REVIEW REVUE ISSUE REVIEW REVUE ISSUE REVIEW REVUE ISSUE REVIEW REVUE IS ======================================================================== _ /\ _ / \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE \_____/ () \_____/ MM MM 0 //0 0 //0 S E / \ M M M M 0 // 0 0 // 0 SSSS EEEEE / \__/ \ M M M 0// 0 0// 0 S E /__________\ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE DDDD RRRR OOOO PPPPP PPPPP IIIII N N GGGGG SSSSS D D R R O O P P P P I NN N G S D D RRRR O O PPPPP PPPPP I N N N G GGG SSSS D D R R O O P P I N NN G G S DDDD R R OOOO P P IIIII N N GGGG SSSSS A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE M00SE ILLUMINATI Issue #47 2/11/1994 ======================================================================== STAFF: Editor In Chief: Bill Dickson Assistant/News Editor: Dominic White Reviews Editor: Gary Olson ------------------------------------------------------------------------ ************************ THE ISSUE AT A GLANCE ************************* ------------------------------------------------------------------------ EDITORIALS AND LETTERS Welcome Back! EVENTS AND NEWS Rhett the M00se, In Memoriam FEATURES Ask the Sage Tracking the Coming of the M00sey Age REVIEWS Nerf Weaponry Boing-Boing Right Guard Sports Stick "Fresh Scent" Deodorant ------------------------------------------------------------------------ ************************ EDITORIALS AND LETTERS ************************ ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Greetings, my fellow m00ses. Welcome to issue forty-seven of M00se Droppings, the official newsletter of the M00se Illuminati. It's been a long time since issue forty-six, which came out on Thanksgiving, 1990. Much has transpired since that day; I have moved to Seattle, Washington, I turned twenty-six at about 3:00 this morning, and I have learned to make beer. The next few issues of M00se Droppings are going to be somewhat changeable and inconsistent; they are essentially a stop-gap measure until we can really rework the newsletter. I had hoped to have the reworking complete by now, but as it turns out, I'm in the middle of writing a book and I don't have time. Hence, my introduction is necessarily short. We wanted to get the issue out today, however, as it is now the 39th month since the last issue of M00se Droppings. Thirty-nine naturally reduces quite easily to thirteen, one of the M00sey numbers; plus, it is the eleventh day of the second month, giving us another thirteen. So you can see how important it was to get the issue out, how it speaks so powerfully to the very essence of our m00sey natures and our inner selves. [Editor's Note -- Due to circumstances beyond our control, the issue was delayed by a day. However, there seems to have been no major cosmic repercussions. Please disregard the above paragraph.] Until my book is complete (March 15), I will be turning over Editor In Chief duties to my Assistant Editor, Dominic White (Icky-M00se). Please send all submissions to him, with the exception of review submissions, which go to Gary Olson (Svedishm00se). If you would like to volunteer for the position of Features Editor, please contact me. You will be responsible for the Sage's advice column, the periodic updates on the coming of the M00sey Age, and anything else we decide to pick up on a regular basis. When the overhaul of M00se Droppings takes place, we will begin publishing it in setext format. Setext is a text "markup" format --plain text files contain unobtrusive markup characters that allow a setext reader to display them with limited formatting. They also allow the reader to index the contents of the file. Thus, where a plain text reader (like your regular old UNIX mailer) sees **bold** and _underline_, a setext reader will display the words "bold" and "underline" in the appropriate styles. The indexing is the most useful feature. It can be implemented in many ways, but on the Mac, you have a three-window reader. The top left window contains the list of indexed files. The top right window contains the subsections in the selected file. The large bottom window contains the text of the selected section. It's been used successfully for the online publication TidBITS for quite some time, and is ideal for small electronic newsletters. The catch is that there are only two readers currently available -- one for the Mac (Easy View) and one extremely rudimentary one for UNIX. Any programmers out there interested in writing versions for Windows, DOS, XWindows, or whatever, please contact me and I'll get you all the information I can. On a final note, you may be pleased to know that our first issue is going to exactly 50 subscribers. Not bad after a gap of more than three years! Of course, this means the issues are already rather large for transmission. If anybody has any leads on a LISTSERV that would make a good home for M00se Droppings, please let me know! And now, on with the issue. Bl00p! -Pickle ------------------------------------------------------------------------ *************************** EVENTS AND NEWS **************************** ------------------------------------------------------------------------ M00se Droppings has not been published since 1989. Here are a few items of m00sey import that have happened since the last issue. -Icky-M00se Mosi Tatupu, New England Patriots star running back of the 80's and the object of affection for many New England fans known as Mosi's M00ses, officially retired. The "Mariner Moose" became the official mascot of Major League Baseball's Seattle Mariners. "I'm happy for him, I really am. But I have no idea why they made a him their mascot. M00ses don't have anything to do with mariners, the ocean, boats, or anything," said 'Squatch,' his longtime friend and mascot of the National Basketball Association's Seattle SuperSonics. The Northern Exposure m00se, who wandered the fictional city of Cicely, Alaska at the opening of each episode with quiet reverence and dignity, died a peaceful death in his modest cabin outside of Roslyn, Washington surrounded by family and friends. "Rhett," as his enlightened, but flawed, m00sey human friends called him, was a m00se among m00ses. His life was a succession of charitable deeds and noble acts. He always had time for others and treated everyone the same, be they m00sey or not. He lived in pleasant obscurity for most of his charitable life. Despite his reluctance to leave the foothills of the Cascade Mountain range, he made many friends all over the country, and it was a casual relationship with a television producer named Joshua Brandley that got him into show business. "He really had no desire to be on television," said the successful producer. "But he knew the show needed a certain oh... m00siness that only he could provide. And he also knew I was desperate. So really he did it as a favor to me. In fact, I have to say the entire success of the show is due to Rhett. I originally wanted to film it on a Hollywood soundstage, but he suggested Roslyn instead. It was definitely the right choice. Oh, and one more thing. The rumors involving Rhett and Janine Turner are absolutely false and have no factual basis." While many of the young actors on Northern Exposure view the show as a stepping stone to greater rewards and a richer life, Rhett considered it a fun way to spend his autumn years. I firmly believe the fame he finally achieved was more than a fun way to retire, it was a tribute to a fine m00se whose greatest contributions to all the earth's creatures were done out of the limelight and garnered rewards far greater to Rhett than fame. This modest m00se once said, "I've lived a fine, normal m00sey life. I can only hope someone out there is willing to make my obituary sound more interesting that it really is." No need, Rhett. No need. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ ******************************* FEATURES ******************************* ------------------------------------------------------------------------ ASK THE SAGE The Only Advice Column You'll Ever Need, If You've Got $10 on You by Superguy Digest's The Sage Hello! Allow me to introduce myself. I am the Sage! I know everything! Yes, that's right, everything! I can tell, even now, that some of you are shaking your heads in disbelief. How do I know? Because I'm the Sage, dammit! I know these things! And I'm talking to you, Boris K. in Cleveland! I know about your secret 'Barney' fantasy! And you, Alice M. of Wake Forest! Peanut butter is not, I repeat, *not* effective as a contraceptive! On to the letters! Being as this is the first issue of the revival of 'M00se Droppings no actual letters have been sent in yet. But, because I am the Sage, I already know the contents of the letters that *will* be sent in following the shipment of this issue! So, I can answer them now, and save the necessity of their being sent! What did I tell you? I'm the Sage! I know everything! -------- Dear Sage, I've been with my current girlfriend for over three years now, and I'm thinking of asking her to marry me. If I did ask her now, what would her answer be? Signed, Nervous in New Mexico Well, Nervous in New Mexico (which is how I will address you, even though you're really Alex Sanderson, a well known philatelist in Santa Fe), I say ask her. She will reply 'yes' to your offer, and you will spend a blissful week calling everybody you know and telling them about your upcoming wedding. This will end when you get hit by a bus and die on the spot, at which point she will pawn her ring and go out with a European poodle breeder named 'Pierre.' That'll be $10, please. -------- Dear Sage, Which came first, the chicken or the egg? Signed, Bored in Bali Ah! A question that has perplexed philosophers and luminaries for ages. Fortunately, I, the Sage, know the answer! After all, I know everything! That answer is: the chicken, of course. Fortunately, he is seeing a sex expert to take care of his little 'prematurity' problem, and should be in better sync with his partner in the near future. That'll be $15. -------- Dear Sage, Okay, you know about my infatuation with Barney the Dinosaur. What can I do to get him to notice me? Signed, Boris K. in Cleveland I recommend coating yourself in chicken gravy, then parading in front of him while the cameras are on. He will certainly notice you then. In fact, he will probably eat you and spit out your bones. The kids that surround him like a cloud of flies will take your bones and build a tree fort with them. That will be $10, please. That's all the time I have for this issue! This is the Sage, signing off! [Editor's Note: We are currently negotiation a contract with the Sage which, we hope, will make the per-question charges unnecessary. Stand by for more information.] TRACKING THE COMING OF THE M00SEY AGE Prophecy McNuggets for your edification by Sabre the Pr0phetm00se It has come to the attention of the Pr0phetm00se that many so called `prophecies' are surrounding the upcoming end of the millennium, scheduled by the non-illuminated as January 1st, 2001. The Destructionists claim that the hurricanes, floods, earthquakes, blizzards, fires and Dallas Super Bowl victories of the last few years are leading up to a global apocalypse of horrific dimension. The Reconstructionists claim that we are passing from the Piscean age of horror and militant science and into the Aquarian Age of Naturalism and love. The Liberals claim we are heading for economic prosperity. The conservatives claim we are heading for economic ruin. Charlatans. The flaws in all of these budget Nostradumuses are self-evident to the truly enlightened, which I (having drunk Winter Welcome Beer, Red Rose Tea, and Dalwhinnie 15 year old scotch before writing this) currently am. Now, I recognize that many of you have neither the inclination nor the constitution to partake of these substances in the toxic levels and mixtures required to achieve Delphic accuracy, so I shall attempt to distill my own visions and insights into something that we the M00se Illuminati can discover and understand. First and foremost, I have gazed upon the naked sight of the death of our world, and discovered that the Planet Earth's end shall not come in fire or in torture, but in fact occurred in 1938 in Piccadilly, England. It was a nasty destruction of the planet, but as it occurred in Piccadilly, it was assumed that the destruction was in fact merely a heated dispute (or `brawl') between Piccadilly fans and Manchester United fans, after a particularly poor call. As a result, no one realized that the planet had been destroyed and life (or a bizarre hallucination of it) continued as normal. Therefore, there is no cause for concern over the destruction of the Earth, as it has in fact already occurred, having happened nearly fifty years ago. Secondly, the coming of m00siness in America has become inevitable, through the appearance of four signs, which have *already* *occurred*. That's right -- none of this `ooo, this *will* happen' crap here. These are all verifiable! That's right! We're on our way already. So, let's take a look: The Fist Sign was the 1992 Presidential Election. This is not to say that the Pr0phetm00se is endorsing Clinton -- though I will admit our current president is more innately humorous than any Republican excepting Dan Quayle, who himself is unelectable (we *pray*). However, immediately after the election, the Democratic Congress began to fragment and twist, even though through simple unity the could pass any measure. This fragmentation is a direct degeneration into Anarchy. Ah, you say, but the Republicans are standing firm. Yes, but their strongest leader is Senate Minority Leader Robert Dole. Senator Dole, for those of you who don't listen to National Public Radio or watch CNN, is a mean-ass son of a bitch. I'm not talking his politics. Merely his personality. Mean guy. Under his leadership, and out of fear, the Republicans are standing firmly, if ineffectually. Come time for the next election, however, there will be a feeding frenzy, as various republicans, madder than hell at Dole, tear him down. So, the Democrats are fracturing. The Republicans are getting ready for a cannibalistic orgy. The result for the U.S. Government? Higgledy- Piggledy. And thus comes the M00sey Age. The Second Sign was the winning of the Late Night Wars by David Letterman -- Honorary M00se and Late-Show M00se. Mr. Letterman has successfully broken down and eliminated Jay "Mr. Establishment" Leno, made us all forget Arsenio "Boring" Hall, and made the Vice President of the United States, Former President Carter, and Sean Connery all look like idiots, and all three are more popular than ever as a result. When Al Gore -- a man who is the odds on favorite to be president in the year 2001, which is that fated millennium we've been talking about -- said `Buttafucco' on National Television, I knew the M00sey age was not far behind. The Third Sign is Rush Limbaugh and Howard Stern. Between the two of them, they own A.M. Radio. They own it to the point that in every key market, their shows are outperforming F.M. This is despite the fact that neither one of them really deserves to live, much less be rich. Tell me that ain't M00se-level perversity. The Fourth Sign is the fact that the Buffalo Bills have lost four Super Bowls in a row. They are the best team in the A.F.C., and they have had their butts kicked by the N.F.C. four years running. This means that even as far as football fanatics are concerned, there simply is no point to the Super Bowl any longer. The A.F.C. can't compete. To that fact -- the uselessness of the A.F.C. -- we must add Fox's stealing of the N.F.C. games from CBS. For those of you who do not know -- there is not a *single* Fox program on television today that is above 40 in the weekly Nielsons. Not one. The Simpsons, Beverly Hills 90210, Married with Children -- all below 40. Therefore, N.F.C. Football will also drop to below 40 in the ratings. No one will watch N.F.C. games. There is no point to watching A.F.C. games. Therefore, N.F.L. Football will die within the year. The destruction of N.F.L. Football will in and of itself mean the destruction of a way of life for fat white Middle Class Americans. What will replace it? The M00se Age, of course. So all looks rosy, right? Wrong. Of course not. Don't be such an idiot. There is a dark force which could obliterate the consensual shared- hallucination of life utterly. There is indeed something to worry about.... And that is the 1994 Winter Olympics, but that is a subject for the next column. After all, no Pr0phet -- especially a Pr0phetm00se -- can tip his entire hand in one column, right? Right. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ ******************************* REVIEWS ******************************** ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Hail and well bl00ped, fellow m00ses! This is Svedishm00se, your review m00se of the eleven veils (some of you may remember me as Harl0ck from long before). In this edition, we have reviews by the lovely and talented Sabre of the Nerf Missile Blaster, Nerf Bow, and Nerf Boomerang, while I review Boing Boing Magazine and Right Guard Sports Stick ("Fresh Scent") Deodorant. All reviews for future editions of M00se Droppings should be sent to me at swede@drycas.club.cc.cmu.edu, or swede@drycas.bitnet. Review anything you like - films, fanzines, deodorants, religions, and so on. You are encouraged to invent your own rating system - the more inconsistent this section is, the m00sier it is. If you are able to send your review formatted to 72 columns, please do. If not, don't worry about it - this isn't rocket science, you know. - Svedishm00se * * * THE ARMAMENT REPORT by Sabre the Pr0phetm00se We the M00se Illuminati are collectively a pacifist anarchist movement. However, we live in a violent world. A nasty, violent world. A world that is, above all, nasty and violent. A world that actually ended in 1938 in Piccadilly, England, but is nasty and violent nonetheless. So, we must arm ourselves to protect ourselves. But we must arm ourselves in such a way that we are still pacifists. We must be ready to perform non-violent acts brutal in their violence. Paradox? Not at all...for we can arm ourselves with...NERF!!!!!! That's right. Nerf. The Playground Football stuff. Nerf causes little to no harm, and at the same time can be employed in mind- bogglingly violent fashions. Thus, a fellow can preserve his principles and his honor all at once. Thus, I shall review three Nerf weapons and give an overview of a few other options. This will help the discriminating M00se in this most important issue of arming himself peacefully. THE NERF MISSILE BLASTER: The basic Nerf weapon. The Nerf Missile Blaster is a small pistol like unit made out of a molded reddish orange plastic, with black plastic parts. It fires small black and yellow mini-missiles made of 100% Nerf. You fire the weapon by pulling the black trigger pump out of the forward part of the pistol, while the missile itself rests on a black tube that extends from the back of the weapon. You then pull the pump towards you swiftly, which causes an air charge to blast the missile off of the tube out towards your enemy. A rack comes with the pistol and can be locked on the pistol, allowing you to carry all three missiles that come with the weapon on the weapon itself. This pistol is astoundingly effective. I have successfully fired the weapon a full city block, with a great arcing motion. The missiles fire fast enough so that it is hard to dodge them. And the gun retails between seven and nine dollars, which means you can get them at any Woolworths for next to nothing. These things are *wonderful*. They are durable and silly looking, all at once. Furthermore, you can strike your opponent in any part of the anatomy, *including* the male genitalia, and cause no harm whatsoever. None. It has happened to me. I would think a shot to the eye would be nasty, but it is the only way I can even *conceive* of causing actual damage with one of these little devils. This pistol, once it catches on, will easily be the weapon of choice in games of Killer, TAG: The Assassination Game, or the like. With a greater range and less harmful potential than conventional suction-cup dart guns, the weapon is perfect for such things. Furthermore, it is red-orange and looks nothing like a real weapon, so most fascist campus police types won't be able to justify shooting you when they do. And that means you'll be able to sue them for a lot of money indeed. RATINGS: Accuracy: 97 out of a possible 100. More when fired at Vince McMahon of the World Wrestling Federation on your Television (will not harm your TV) Usefulness: 899 out of a possible 933. There are few situations, from business to sex, where a shot to the forehead with one of these babies won't make things better. M00siness: 2 out of Pi. It's practically guaranteed that any situation, when two people have these babies, will become a more M00sey situation. THE NERF BOW: This Nerf Weapon is mind bogglingly fearsome looking. It is huge, and made of black and blue plastic, with blaze orange `bow' attachments and a black cord that connects to the handle of the Firing Mechanism. The Arrows are much larger versions of the mini-missiles above (the Arrows may also be used in the Nerf Missile Launcher, the Nerf Master Blaster, and make nice throwing weapons) and are yellow and blue. Once again the Nerf Bow comes with a rack to hold the two spare arrows on the weapon itself. The `loaded' arrow fits on a rod that extends from the apex of the bow. You fire the bow by pulling back on the bow's handle, which extends out of the body (and makes you look like you're drawing a real bow). When you release, the unit snaps in forming a compressed air charge that blasts the Arrow off at the target. There is a sighting mechanism on the bow. This weapon is more powerful than the Missile Blaster, though the range is considerably less (I expect thirty feet is the furthest one could expect to he effective). The action on the weapon is good, though I admit I prefer the weapons that you can control the amount of air pressure involved (this weapon you pull back and release, letting the internal springs fire the Arrow, limiting your power to the power of the springs). I found that the arrows pull to the right of the sighted target as well. The impacts cause a slight stinging to bare skin, which leads me to recommend not using head-shots with this weapon. The weapon appears incapable of causing actual harm, however. The Nerf Bow's true effectiveness is in appearance. The thing *looks* as though it should be toted around by Chewbacca the Wookie from Star Wars. Facing the business end of this Bow is an exercise in nervousness, though it is Nerf, so the nervousness is misplaced. It is powerful and accurate, and well worth owning as heavy artillery. However, I have to admit I am disappointed in a `bow' with a shorter range than a pistol. The Nerf Bow has specialty arrows available (which may be used with the other Nerf Weapons indicated above). You may have Water Arrows (they have softer sponge cores which absorb water, leading to a splashdown impact) and suction cup arrows (self explanatory). The suction cup arrows, not having Nerf based warheads, could likely cause more harm than others. I have yet to test the effectiveness of any of these. I can recommend this weapon as being a lot of fun, and as being a good intimidation factor for M00se Throngs staging Nerf Wars. It is not nearly as M00sey a weapon as the Missile Blaster, however. RATINGS: Accuracy: 10 out of 17.5. The weapon pulls to the right, but it does so consistently, so as one gets used to the action of the weapon, they learn to lead to the left. Usefulness: 47 out of 55. It is best at short ranges, but is very effective there. M00siness: 2 out of 10. The discipline needed for this weapon counteracts the chaos inherent in Nerf. THE NERF BOOMERANG: The Nerf Boomerang is a green Nerf weapon, with three arms extending from it's center at obtuse angles to each other. Each arm is shaped like an airplane wing, with a plastic yellow button (for weight) near the end of each arm. The arms are `warped,' angling towards the top of the weapon. One `fires' the weapon by holding one of the arms, with the top of the weapon facing you, cocking your arm, and throwing with a spinning motion. The Nerf boomerang is much firmer Nerf than the other weapons reviewed herein. It could conceivably cause more damage than other Nerf weapons because of this, except for one thing. The Nerf boomerang is aerodynamically designed to fly in a circular arc, returning to your hand. That's the design. Well, there isn't a *single* Nerf boomerang that has ever done this. The weapons simply fly off in a dizzying array of loops, swoops, and arcs, forming a chaotic patter that is, to be blunt, hilarious. As a weapon it is useless because it is more likely you will win the lottery without being shot than it is you will hit your target. You will likely paralyze your target with amazement and laughter, however, as they watch the aerodynamic improbabilities inherent in the design of this weapon. It is the most M00sey weapon I've ever seen. What's more, the Nerf Boomerang redefines the frisbee-like game of catch, turning it into a contact sport. RATINGS: Accuracy: -150 out of any number you want to choose. Usefulness: There has never been any more useless weapon invented for any purpose. M00siness: Infinity minus two out of infinity. NERF HYDRO BAZOOKA: The Nerf Hydro Bazooka is a long yellow tube, with a blue and yellow tube over it, tipped with an orange cup (designed to hold the Bazooka ammunition). The blue and yellow outer tube is designed to be pumped Shotgun style. An orange water tank is attached to the opposite side of the weapon, and a blue brace for three rounds of ammunition is on the top of the blue and yellow tube. The ammunition for the Nerf Hydro Bazooka is a relatively solid small Nerf ball, yellow in color. The Hydro Bazooka is designed to be fired in two different modes -- air based and water based. Firing is accomplished by loading a Nerf ball in the cup on the end of the Hydro Bazooka, pulling the yellow tube as far out of the blue and yellow tube as possible, aiming, and yanking the blue and yellow tube towards yourself while pushing the yellow tube away. In air mode (i.e. -- no water in the tank) a compressed air charge forms, blasting the Nerf ball out at its target. In water mode, the act of cocking the weapon (drawing the two tubes apart) fills the chamber with water from the water tank, and firing blasts the Nerf ball out in a spray of compressed air and water. The Hydro Bazooka has got to be the most impressive sounding weapon on the market. To approximate the sound of the weapon being fired, one should take an airtight wooden box to the Painted Desert in the summer when there is no breeze. In that absolute quiet, take a nail gun and fire a nail into the box. You'll hear an incredible hollow >>FWACK<<. This is approximately the noise the Nerf Hydro Bazooka makes in air mode. It rattles your opponents well and scares small animals, and it causes a person to make the inspired observation, "that is SO COOL!" Which, admittedly, it is. It's the best feature of the weapon, which otherwise is somewhat lackluster. It has a very short range in air mode, caused by having to blast the ball out of the cup on the end, rather than having the ball just sail off (as with the Nerf mini-missile and missile weapons). This lack of range is made worse by the Nerf ball's poor aerodynamics. It is also not a very accurate weapon, in that firing the weapon involves moving both of your hands in different directions. The Nerf ball does not cause any harm to any portion of the anatomy, as we have come to expect of Nerf. In water mode, the weapon is more powerful. Winter conditions have prevented us from making a range test, but the blasts are far stronger and the Nerf ball's range is improved. The Nerf Ball does not seem to significantly absorb water, which is good. The specs of the Nerf Hydro Bazooka claims it can fire three water blasts. This is exaggerated -- it fires one good blast, and one lackluster blast. After that, even though the tank is still about half full, it barely fires any water at all. Best to expect this weapon to be a Nerf weapon, instead of a water weapon. Still, that first water blast is impressive -- putting any `super' water cannon to shame. Oddly enough, the cannon is not designed to fire in water mode without Nerf Ammunition locked in the head of the chamber (Apparently since the necessary compressed air charge cannot be formed). The weapon designers have overcome this by including a fourth Nerf Ball with the weapon -- a ball that is literally tethered to the Hydro Bazooka with an orange plastic tab. In water mode, this allows the water blast to be fired without the Nerf (for whatever reason a person might want to do that). Without the water, however, I'd have to call it an entirely different mode -- Popgun mode. All the incredible sound effects without the Nerf ball to find, afterwards. This has to be the m00siest of the firing modes. The Hydro Bazooka is inexpensive (ten to twelve dollars) and a lot of fun. It is not the best weapon for a Nerf War (see the head-to-head comparison with the Nerf Bow, below), but it adds a lot of intimidation factor and does give one good water blast that makes it unique. RATINGS: Accuracy: ** Usefulness: *** 1/2 -- Though you won't hit much, you'll rattle your opponents to no end. M00siness: **** 1/2 -- Not as M00sey as, say, the Nerf Boomerang, but pretty darn M00sey nonetheless. HEAD-to-HEAD The Bow verses the Bazooka Having secured two weapons of high artillery, the M00se Droppings Allied Nerf Testing Team (consisting of Guardian M00se, Sabre the Pr0phetm00se, and ManlyM00se) decided to place the weapons to the test - would Sabre's Nerf Bow be able to take Manly's Hydro Bazooka in the most American of problem resolution techniques -- the gunfight at high noon. We separated at a distance of fifteen to twenty feet, while Guardian M00se pelted us randomly with shots fired off from his Missile Blaster -- at which time Sabre and Manly would pause to hammer him with high powered shot. We used International M00se Dueling Convention Rules -- namely, that any hit anywhere on the body counted, that there was no set time to start shooting, that shots fired after being hit did not count, that a double hit (both shots fired before either was hit) was a draw, and that if one hit his opponent, he would thrust his fist into the air, howl "VICTORY!!!" at the top of his lungs, and otherwise gloat. Those rules being set, we immediately dueled for about an hour and a half. Oddly enough, firing weapons at your best friend with murderous intent never seems to get dull. Results: After long and involved testing, we determined that the Nerf Bow was the better dueling weapon, by virtue of the fact that Sabre beat Manly -- despite roughly equal skill -- about four hundred times, compared to the fifteen to twenty Manly beat Sabre. I admit I might be exaggerating. The Nerf Bow's aim problem was not a factor, as in the heat of the dual no one is aiming so much as using a combination of Zen and prayer, and the Nerf Bow seems to excel in those conditions. The times the Hydro Bazooka won almost always were in the first shot, as the Nerf Bow reloads about twice as fast as the Hydro Bazooka -- which means the Bowman can get off three shots in the time the Bazookaman can get off two. Further, when the dual consists of having one's weapons in one hand, out of firing position, and having to raise, aim, and fire, the Nerf Bow is easier to swing up. The Bowman simply raises the bow, grabs the firing handle, pulls and releases. The Bazookaman, on the other hand, must swing a heavier weapon up, grab the firing tube, adjust the weapon, aim, and push and pull the tubes. While Manly got very fast indeed, the Bow was faster. Reloading the Hydro Bazooka in the heat of combat consists of letting go of the yellow tube, popping a ball out of the rack, fitting the ball in the cup, pulling the tubes apart, aiming, and firing. Reloading the Nerf Bow in combat consists of letting go of the Firing handle, grabbing a missile, fitting it, grabbing the handle, and firing -- which are less steps than the Bazooka, and the steps themselves go faster. After fighting a dual, it is polite to gather up the expended shot of your opponent and throw it back to him. If you lost, you may legally attempt to hit your opponent with his shot. If you won, hitting your

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