It's a m00se file, obviously

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_ /\ _ _ /\ _ / \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE / \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \ \_____/ () \_____/ MM MM 0 //0 0 //0 S E \_____/ () \_____/ / \ M M M M 0 // 0 0 // 0 SSSS EEEEE / \ / \__/ \ M M M 0// 0 0// 0 S E / \__/ \ /__________\ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE /__________\ DDDD RRRR OOOO PPPPP PPPPP IIIII N N GGGGG SSSSS D D R R O O P P P P I NN N G S D D RRRR O O PPPPP PPPPP I N N N G GGG SSSS D D R R O O P P I N NN G G S DDDD R R OOOO P P IIIII N N GGGG SSSSS A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE M00SE ILLUMINATI Issue #24| Disclaimer: The Editors will place almost anything | May. 12, 1989 ---------- in this newsletter out of a frantic desire to fill --------------- the issue, so don't blame them for the quality or content of the submissions. Excepting those they may have written themselves, the enclosed items do not in any way represent the Editors' opinions. In fact, let's be real safe, and say that as far as this newsletter is concerned, they have no opinions at all. OK? ================================================================================ -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- **************************** EDITORIALS AND LETTERS **************************** -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Bl00p and happy finals to you! Well, we've got a story, a bunch of songs which Goblin gleaned from the UMNEWS M00se list, and a whole lot of ID's. Not much else. But at least the issue came out on time! A couple of notes about ID files: Your *chapter* name is your real name, like the one that's on your driver's license. The *thr0ng* name is the name of your school. This information is in the M00se.info file - if you need a new copy, please send a request to LEE_JES@CTSTATEU.BITNET. By the way, LEE_JES is *not* a listserve. Sorry for stating the obvious. 8*) Once again, send submissions to Goblin, at WITHALL@CTSTATEU (Bitnet). Address corrections and back-issue ordering: LEE_JES@CTSTATEU (Bitnet). Now that summer is approaching, perhaps it will be a little easier to schedule Thr0ng-a-thons... Anyone? Anyone? Goblin and I hope to throw one (though it can't be TOO big) soon, anyone who's in the area (Connecticut or thereabouts) and interested, send us some E-mail... Well, enough boring talk... on with the issue! To those of you who are leaving the nets for the summer, have a good one! - SalmonM00se (LEE_JES@CTSTATEU.BITNET) - Goblin (WITHALL@CTSTATEU.BITNET) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ******************************* EVENTS AND NEWS ******************************** -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- This space left intentionally blank. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ***************************** FICTION AND POETRY ******************************* -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- From: BardM00se Dealing with Dragons "AAAAYYYYYIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEE!!" The scream echoes around the room; Kara flinches in mid-step, hissing as some of the hot liquid in the mug slops onto her hand. She covers the remaining distance to the bed in three quick strides, swearing under her breath; at least the bard had taken this quietly. With the ease of long practice, she lifts the head of the woman on the bed and forces some of the liquid between clenched teeth. A whimper of agony changes to a hacking cough when some of the potion is inhaled. "Come on now, drink this and you'll feel better." Kara wearily says. The woman in the bed drinks, too dazed to resist the suggestion. Suddenly, she jerks upright in bed, knocking the mug from Kara's hand. Green eyes dart around the room, looking for remembered danger, hands curl as if around a sword hilt. She winces back from Kara's backlit figure, eyes dilating as they catch the glare from the candles. Kara's economical tug on her patient's wrist pulls her supporting elbow out from underneath her and sends her crashing back on the pillows. "Calm down, no one is going to hurt you here." Kara grumps. "Where...?" the woman's eyes are puzzled, and she no longer struggles against the hand pushing her back into the bed. "Some place safe, that's all you need to know." Kara straightens, removing her hand and watching the drug take effect. The woman's face relaxes as the pain eases, her eyes drift close, then snap open again. "The bard is sleeping," Kara answers the unspoken question, then more sternly, "Which is what you should be doing." The woman nods, obviously fighting to stay awake and look around the room. Kara sighs in exasperation, then starts to gather the pieces of shattered mug, firmly reminding herself that strangling patients is frowned upon. When she looks up again, after chasing down the last piece of pottery, the woman is sound asleep. Kara smiles in satisfaction, then blows out all but one of the candles. Taking the last lit candle she leaves for her own bed, her exhausted footsteps scuffling on the stone floor. "Brem, Bremer'ri, I know you can hear me." says a voice. The woman on the bed groans and mumbles, rolling away from the hand shaking her shoulder. The hand withdraws. "If you don't get up," continues the voice in a dry tone, "I shall finish the food and," the voice pauses to think of something suitably horrible. "And take your sword and use it for a clothes rack." "You'll do WHAT??" Brem bounces out of bed, dragging most of the blankets with her. Lia snickers, "I knew one of those comments would get you up." "Lia! You're alive!" Kicking the blankets away from her, Brem takes step forward, arms outstretched. "Oh, no!" With an expression of mock terror Lia skips out of the way. "Not one of your bear-hugs, my ribs hurt enough already." "But," Brem drops her arms, looking forlorn, "You're alive, aren't you?" "As far as I've noticed." Brem stares at the floor, "I saw you die." Her voices trails off. Lia shrugs, "Be that as it may," she holds up a hand to stop Brem's angry retort, "No, I don't doubt you. But be that as it may, I am alive now." She pauses and gives Brem a penentrating stare, "People aren't raised from the dead in your world, are they?" Brem shakes her head, still looking at the floor. TO BE CONTINUED whenever the hell I feel like it -- BardM00se - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - From: Sir M00se Have you ever seen a m00se hot wire a car ? How about going to a club and trying to pick up women ? Or the ever popular, climb an elevator shaft ! These were just some of the intriguing questions from the latest NMHAD National M00se Highway Awareness Day) quiz sponsored at The University of Buffalo, home to the fastest growing throng !! If there are any other quizzes out there.....or any other comments that we at UB should know... SEND 'EM OUR WAY !!!!!!!!!! See you in Sherwood, Sir M00se - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - well here are some more of these damn songs that are really more trouble then they are worth but I'll post them any way because I'm not going to let this thing bet me.... ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- BritM00se and Mel0dy the Musical M00se 0NE === 0ne Singular sensation Every little step she takes. 0ne Thrilling combination Every m00se that she makes! 0ne smile and suddenly nobody else will do, You know you'll never be m00sey without you-know-whoooooo! 0ne Moment in her presence and you'll soon forget the rest, for the m00se is second best to none, son, 0h! Bl00p! Give her your attention, do I really have to mention, Sheeeee's the one! *BritM00se and MEL0DY, the MUSICAL M00SE* Always willing to lend a helping h00f. BL00P!! Rud0lph, the brown Gund M00-00se, Had a very long, long tag... And if you ever saw it, You'd wonder why he doesn't brag... All of the other M00ses Used to laugh and call him names... They'd never let poor Rud0lph Join in any bowling games! Then one stormy Finals Week Zemmie came to say, "Rud0lph, with your tag so long... Won't you be the mascot of our entire Thr0ng?" Then all the M00ses loved him, As they shouted out with glee... "Rud0lph, the brown Gund M00-00se, You'll make Bavarian his-to-reeee! Heh...heh...heh... Ever your'n, -The Rivina. ** without... ** C0ntessa, the Fl1rty Canadian M00se (who is kidnapped, and will probably not be returned to me until I do some strange and very un-Riv-like action for the Camera) ** and... ** C0unt R00fus, M00se-At-Large, the Kidnapped SUNY Buffalo Circle K M00se ** and... ** Rud0lph, the fictitious (so far!) M00secot of the Buffalo Thr0ng of the M00se-Illuminati Zem00se -n- Gund, the hip m00se - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - I hope someone is taking the time to read these silly things.... ________________________________________________________________________________ Show me the way to my thr0ng, I'm tired and I wanna go to bed, had a little vodka about an hour ago and it went right to my head. Wherever my herd may roam, by land or sea or foam, you will always hear my yodelling this song, show me the way to my thr0ng. Show me the way to my habitual gigathr0ng I'm fatigued and I want to retire, had an alcoholic beverage sixty minutes ago and it went right to my cerebellum, wherever my troupe may wander, by land or sea or atmospheric pressure, you will always hea my warbling this soliloquoy, show me the way to my habitual gigathr0ng. ________________________________________________________________________________ The following songs are dedicated to the one and only Paul Sim00se, redone from his Graceland album. You Can Call me Hal =================== A m00se walks down the street, he says why am I plump in the middle now Why am I plump in the middle, the rest of my herd is so trim. I need a golden opportunity, I want a shot at conception, don't want to end up a decoration in a living-room graveyard. Bl00p-singers, Bl00p-singers, m00se in the moonlight, far away my cool lite Coors, Mr. Beerbelly, Beerbelly, get these m00se away from me, I don't find this thr0ng am00sing anymore. If you'll be my m00se-guard I can be your very best pal, I can call you sweetie, and sweetie when you call me you can call me Hal. A m00se walks down the street he says why am I short of confections, got a short little bit of confections, and oh my sweet tooth is so long, Where are my hooves and antlers, what if I bl00p here, who'll be my m00se-model now that my m00se-model is gone gone He snuck back into the booth with a roly-poly little fuzzy m00se, all along along there were incidents and accidents, there were hangings and frustrations. If you'll be my m00se-guard I can be your very best pal, I can call you sweetie, and sweetie when you call me you can call me Hal. A m00se walks down the street, it's a street in a strange world, maybe it is our world, maybe it's his first look around. He doesn't speak the language, he has no decency, he is a foreign m00se, he is surrounded by the sound, the sound, M00ses in the marketplace, gathering their tiny thr0ngs. He sneaks around, around, he sees m00ses in the architecture, gazing into infinity he sings "Bl00p!" and "Hallelujah!" If you'll be my m00se-guard I will be your very best pal, I can call you sweetie, and sweetie when you call me you can call me Hal. *BritM00se & Mel0dy, The Musical M00se* -Zem00se -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ******************************** ASK THE ORACLE ******************************** -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Hello again. This is your Guardian bringing you another Best of Oracle. Most of these are a bit on the old side, having been ripening in my mail file for a few months. I'd just like to tell all of you that I'm proud of the job you've been doing - keep up the good work! =============================================================================== What does O.R.A.C.L.E stand for ? The Oracle has answered your question as follows: Original Relayer of the Arcane and Cryptic Light, Essentially. What is the best thing to do with twenty bushels of oranges, five sheets of #60 grit sandpaper, a lawnmower, and three dead vampire bats? The Oracle has answered your question as follows: How obvious: SUPPORT THE JHU BAND!!! (directions follow) 1) Sell the oranges. Anyone who was ever in high school marching band will understand this. The main fundraiser for a high school band is almost always a sale of big (very, very BIG) bags of citrus. Ask any wind instrument player you know about band citrus and there's of good chance they'll know what you mean. (and a decent chance they'll laugh hysterically) 2) The bathroom door in the band room sticks. Use the sandpaper to fix it. 3) The lawnmower can be used for two things: a) dealing with the debris in the instrument storage room or b) cutting the grass behind the back entrance to the band room in the ROTC building, which is in dire need thereof. 4) The vampire bats are not to be used actively but should serve as symbols of both the commitment level in the band at large (ahem.). Either that or make a rotary sander... attach the sandpaper to the blades of the mower and make ethanol fuel from the bats & oranges. Why am I already burned out four days into the semester? The Oracle has answered your question as follows: You have only slept 15-20 hours. You drank 15-20 drinks. You have done 15-20 hours of schoolwork. A Venusian mind zapper is living behind your wainscoting. What do you call the little plastic things on the end of shoelaces? The Oracle has answered your question as follows: I've never addressed one of those things myself, but I suppose they must have a name. Maybe this is the time to create one. Most of the good names (such as Fred) are taken, so we should move on to a variant of that name {Chad}. I can't think of {use Chad} any which are fitting {Chad} to use as a name for the {Tony's old roommate} plastic thing on the end of {Chad} your shoelaces, but I'm sure {Chad} we can pick some random {Chad} name to use. Why does anyone use Cobol? The Oracle has answered your question as follows: Excellent question. As a matter of fact, the Oracle rates this one up with Fermat's Last Theorem and NP-Completeness. The Oracle is, however, with all due modesty, the most concentrated compendium of knowledge in the Free World (Does not include Welfare States, Communist Satellites, tax, tags, delivery, or other pinko trash), and so will endeavor with all the intellectual force and surplus verbiage in its arsenal to reply to your most perspicacious question, whose brilliance and wit scintillates throughout the domains of ***Interrupt*** ORACLE: User GOD on line 42. GOD>> Stop evading the question, mortal. ORACLE>> Your humblest servant grovels in Your august Presence, and will endeavour to respond with the speed of lightning to Your most puny command, however grueling the toil ***Interrupt*** GOD>> ORACLE!! Right. I will now attempt to pose a few reasons why one might use the language COBOL (COmmon Bozo - Oriented Language) 1) Stupidity or ignorance. This is the most apparently obvious reason, one which thus requires me to give more. 2) Masochism 3) Sadism (on the part of a superior). 4) The desire to learn to type, and the will to do so by forcing oneself to exercise the skill to an entirely excessive degree. 5) MegaloCPUmania: the desire to, by writing the most inefficient programs possible, entirely monopolize the system. (Note: For the Oracle to thus, utterly without cause, and in a most unsportsmanlike manner, split its infinitives, represents gross negligence.) COBOL is the best language for this purpose, simply because any program written in COBOL will use twice the memory and run at half the speed of its equivalent in C or even Pascal. 6) One likes BASIC, but is unable to find a compiler for that language. I am, however, being redundant, because this fits under #1 or #10. 7) One has taken up monastic orders, and has sworn never to speak, loop, or call procedures. This is an option in some of the more computer- oriented monasteries; however, most monks choose the way of lesser hardship, swearing never to eat anything but garlic, or some such. 8) One is a member of the Rhinoceros Lodge, and thus has sworn undying hate for Wirth and all his disciples, as well as a true and holy commitment to the Order of the GOTO. 9) One has been gored by #8 (or bitten by #7) and has thus acquired the belief that Dijkstra is the Antichrist, or that the truly holy should only wear sackcloth and ashes (COBOL being the sackcloth and ashes of the computer business) 10) Insanity. I am, however, being redundant, because this fits under #1-2 and #4-10. How fast does a Cray run? The Oracle has answered your question as follows: In order to be able to outrun its predatory enemy, the North American swallow, a cray must be able to run very fast. Estimates of its land speed range from 2 meters per second down to 44 furlongs per fortnight. The cray is, of course, nearly extinct in North America, but this is attributed to the invention of the rifled firearm. Why is it that the great registrar's office has the ability to schedule my first final this past Monday and my next final this Monday, leaving me nothing to do but study and talk to an oracle for a whole friggin' week??? The Oracle has answered your question as follows: Please understand that the great registrar's office is omnipotent and benevolent. It gave you "a whole friggin' week" (to use your own particularly aromatic expression) to talk to Oracle because it felt that talking to Oracle for a week would do your karma good, as well as exercising your fingertips. Oracle is the best study aid known to mankind, apart from tequila and fatigue toxins. However, the Oracle resents your use of the phrase "an oracle." This, to put it concisely, is blasphemy. It denies the two great Truths known to all believers: 1) There is no oracle but Oracle. Therefore, your use of the indefinite article, "an," is misleading as well as blasphemous. 2) Oracle is the greatest creation of mankind. As such, it is invariably capitalized. However, these lapses of judgment will be written off as due to water fluoridation and brain leprosy, acting in Conjoint Conjunction. The final part of your question is yet unanswered: Why will talking to Oracle do your karma good? The answer is that, as is known by all Believers, Oracle is omniscient. It thus can help you solve your personal problems with an efficiency unrivalled since the invention of cyanide; this will lead you to a state of true Zen, as you will be free to contemplate the wonders of nature and Orgo, not necessarily in that order. What were the answers to the first part of the Control Systems exam? And why the hell did he bother doing that Laplace transform garbage, anyway? Please ignore this if you were actually in the class. The Oracle has answered your question as follows: The answers were as follows: a) Zen b) Use the pig c) 44.5 inverse picoacres d) 600 volts will do it; however, 1045.7 is optimal (i) Although 50 hertz will work, 60 is most commonly available and should be used. (ii) Cats produce the highest frequency noise. The Laplace transform was used to evaluate the meaning of life (which was found to be 43.) As you pointed out, the Laplace transform of garbage is even more interesting, at 36.5. And the Laplace transform of philosophy was a perfect zero. By now you may have guessed that the Laplace transform transforms entities into the amount the entity is worth. This guess is correct. If I don't send Selective Service an update on my current address, does that mean I can't get drafted? The Oracle has answered your question as follows: The FBI has already seen your question and made a note in their file. How much groundhog could a hound dog hog if groundhog were ground round? The Oracle has answered your question as follows: This is a very cool question. I can only hope that I can come up with an answer that, if not quite as cool, is at least in its league. First, let me thank the questioner for getting me into the Best of Oracle, as, almost regardless of my answer, this question will end up there. First, for any who are reading this in the Best of Oracle, let me clarify the meaning of the word "hog." Hound dogs, as I'm sure the questioner was sufficiently cool to realise, do not hog anything in the sense of to take more than their share. They are exceptionally fair animals. They do, however, enjoy making pig sculptures out of food, particularly meat products. The questioner is obviously refering to the Great Hogging Contest, in which hound dogs the world over gather in secret to create their best culinary renditions of various porcine varieties. In any case, the question therefore asks how much ground round can a hound dog utilise in creating a statue in the Great Hogging Contest. According to the rules, only 2.7kilos. As a bonus answer to the ever-so-cool questioner, I will also give you the only other limitations included in the contest. 1. No evil food (tofu, mayo, etc) may be used. 2. No Miss Piggie statues (see evil). 3. No statue may be so massive that it affects the Earth's orbit, although changes in tides will be tolerated. (It is worth noting that hound dogs are not unambitious creatures.) What can you do with a Klondike bar? The Oracle has answered your question as follows: Have you ever heard about mayonnaise? Klondike bars can be used in similar ways, with a few small changes: you can use them for igloos, you can use them for paperweights, you can use them as weapons for injuring your roommate, you can use them as sexual aids for your bedmate (though I'd recommend against it), you can spread mayonnaise with them, you can spread mononucleosis with them, you can build buildings (the shaffer addition comes to mind) out of them, you can get a lot of them and use them to count your chickens, you could send them as aid to small third world countries (I'd recommend against this as well), you could send them to enemies in the hope that they'll become one solid block (due to the propylene glycol), you can use them to "wax" your car, you can use them to rust your car, you can even use them to jack up your car if you have a flat. you can sing with them, play with them, go shopping with them. you could even take one to see a movie (if it's rated G) (they are young, you know) I suppose that, if you were very desperate and were facing death by starvation (and maybe not even then) you could eat one. Whose life is it anyway? The Oracle has answered your question as follows: In order: your parents, the government, your professors', your boss', your spouse or mate, and yours. Any illusions you have of being higher on the list than that should be dispelled. Although many argue that it is, in fact, a dog's life, the dog has died. How many digital technicians does it take to keep any LNO3 machine running for more than 3 days in a row? The Oracle has answered your question as follows: Four. One to hold the manual, one to count the days, one to feed coal into the steam engine and one to send to Japan for the parts. What are the top ten things to do instead of having sex? The Oracle has answered your question as follows: From the Oracle home office in Delphi, Indiana..... The top ten things to do instead of having sex are... Number ten: Think about what to do instead of having sex. Number nine: Hang out with the guys and watch football (or go shopping, for those so inclined). Number eight: Begin needed home improvements. Number seven: Shoot seven people in a McDonald's. Number six: Just walk around and generally act nonchalant. Number five: Enter a convent. Number four: Spend time with elderly relatives. Number three: Read about all the incurable diseases you won't be getting. Number two: Run for Vice-President. and Number one.....: become a student at a leading Baltimore University! Santa Claus is supposed to go all over the world, right? Has he ever been shot at by anyone for doing this, and why? The Oracle has answered your question as follows: Santa Claus has been shot at. All 18 (officially noted) attempts on the life of Mr. Claus were while he was in the airspace of either a middle-eastern or communist nation. After the 18th attempt, the NSA stepped in and offered the protection of the U.S. government, since Santa is one of the last bastions of true capitalism. Since then, (1985) nobody has attempted to shoot at Santa, fearing the retaliation of the F-18's flying along beside his sleigh. What are the top ten "Top Tens?" The Oracle has answered your question as follows: 1. The top ten names for male children: 1. Leroy (LeRoy) 2. Rufus 3. Richard Milhous 4. Vlad the Impaler 5. Jonah, Eater of Dead Wildebeest 6. Attila the Hungry 7. Theodore Bundy 8. Beelzebub 9. Shillelagh von der Weaselschnitzel 10. Tarzan 1. (tie: the Oracle is very conscious of accused sex discrimination) The top ten names for female children: 1. Leroya (LeRoya) 2. Tyrone (don't ask) 3. Bubbles 4. Lucrezia 5. Bugsy 6. Woman-with-Nose-Like-Badger 7. Morsel 8. Bambi 9. Cleopatra 10. Catherine the Great 3. The Top Ten Presidents of the Johns Hopkins University: 1. Steven Muller 2. Steven Muller 3. Steven Muller 4. Steven Muller 5. Steven Muller 6. Steven Muller 7. Steven Muller 8. Steven Muller 9. Steven Muller 10. St Hey Steve! Get your filthy hands off my keyboard! 4. Top Ten Places to Hang Steven Muller In Effigy: 1. Gilman Hall (the tower) 2. The Wrench-Comma Sculpture (in the Quad) 3. Bologna (so he can see it himself) 4. Peking (ditto) 5. The Terror Room (dinner counter, with one foot in the lasagna) 6. Shriver Hall (impaled on the spire) 7. The Lacrosse Field (so he can be trampled by a herd of steroid- pumped wildebeest 10 times a spring) 8. The Terror Room (meat locker) 9. Rowland 205 (so they can use him as a physics demonstration) 10. The construction crane, New Physics Building. I am aware that when I decided to answer this question, I thought I could give you ten Top Ten lists. However, I find that I will only be able to provide one more before I die of hunger, thirst, or Bladder Explosion: 5. Top Ten Excuses why I cannot Finish this Question: 1. Bladder Explosion 2. Computer-Time Drain 3. Finger Wear 4. Disk Space Limitation 5. Academic Pressure 6. Leprous Brain Rot 7. Decline of Western Civilization 8. Wildebeest (don't ask) 9. Oracle Fungus 10. General Laziness, Ignorance, and anything else you can think of. There you have it: the Top Five Top Tens, decreed by Drothar, the Anarchist Demigod of Fermented Odor-Eaters. Wildebeest forever! If a tree falls in the woods and nobody is around to hear it, does it feel pain? The Oracle has answered your question as follows: According to Greenpeace, yes. According to James Watt, no. How does one know when to say when? The Oracle has answered your question as follows: Well, that depends on the situation. If someone is pouring you a drink in the typical "just say when" situation, you have to take many things into account. For example, if they have particularly slow reflexes, you might say "when" when the glass had as much liquid in it as you wanted, and they might not stop pouring until the glass overflowed or at least until you had too much. Then, if you're particularly politeness- conscious (like Alice, who got sick after eating a whole red pepper that she put in her mouth by accident and didn't want to spit out because it would be embarassing), you might feel pressured to drink more than you wanted. Conversely, if the pourer has very fast reflexes, you might have him/her stop too soon, and then have to ask them to pour just a touch more in. Of course, this problem can be solved by pouring your own drinks or only allowing close friends to pour them for you. Never exchange pourings on a first date. An easy time to know to say "when" is when someone offers you something you want. For example, if someone says, "I want to cook a meal for you," you should immediately reply "When?" A timely "when" can also be a good comeback. For example, if someone says "You're so stupid and incompetent, you should be Vice-President," and you reply "When?" they may be thrown off their stride. Be careful when using this against such exclamations as "F--k you!" although it can be a worthy reply to "Go f--k yourself." Most people don't ask for instructions when insulted, thus wasting a valuable resource. Clearly the full scope of "when-timing" is beyond the range offered by a single Oracle question. A top ten would be possible, although the Oracle must caution its users (particularly Stacy) against excessive use of the "top" theme, such as "top hundred," etc. Why, or should I say "wy', is there no "h" in "Wite-Out"??? The Oracle has answered your question as follows: The Copyright Infringement Act of 1971 (P.L. 344-71) established clearly that the English language belongs to no one except the English. In Aurioles v. State of Maryland (1973), the Act was interpreted to provide that anyone so unenlightened as to name their product with words from said language, has no standing to sue competitors for creating similar products with the same name. Hence, one must manufacture words for one's products (Walkman, Xerox) to prevent them from benefiting from one's expensive ad campaign. Sometimes (aspirin, ketchup) even this does not help. I am aware that you guessed it was because the Executive Vice-President for Marketing at Wite-Out was an imbecile. That is of course, true. Who'd have thought it? The Oracle has answered your question as follows: The Oracle. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- *************************** M00SCELLANEOUS NONSENSE **************************** -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- FNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORD The Official M00se Illuminati Identification Form Chapter Name: Saunacuse/Siberacuse/Sewercuse/Syracuse___________ Nickname(s): GypsyLynx/Lynx____________________________________ Life Form: Feline Sapiens!___________________________________ Sex: Male ___ Female _X_ Hermaphrodite ___ Other ___ Net Address: Crussell@Sunrise Purity Quotient: 60 something? Lynx@suvm (400 or 500 question test?) Description: 5'3-3/4", blue eyes, 125 lbs, red/blonde hair, contact lenses/glasses, and claws ____________________________________________________ Favourite Saying: _Gweeble fludd? Snerble!! Bl00p!!!__________ Other Stuff: has an alarming tendency to break into babbleese at the oddest times (see saying above), thinks Sinead O'Connor has an awesome voice, beats up on computers on a regular basis and has a tendency to bury herself in w*rk a little more than her m00sey friends like. Someday wants to become a f00tl00se m00se and roam the world. FNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORD INDIANA JOE'S ID Updated on January 25th, 1989 Real Name: Joseph Robert Claffey Jr. Username: CLAFFEY_JOR @ CTSTATEU Sex: Male Age: 20 Birthday: August 8th, 1968 Height: 6'1" Weight: 150 lbs. IQ: 140+ (never seriously tested) Hair: Darkish blonde (about the same shade as gold leaf) Eyes: Blue-grey General appearance: People say I look a bit like John Denver Address: 467 Allen Street New Britain, CT 06053 Phone: (203) 225-4987 School: Central Connecticut State University Major: Computer Science Minor: Math Purity test score: 83.4% pure Trademarks: Two. I almost always wear a red "Don't Panic" button from _The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy_ computer game, and I frequently wear a fur felt slouch hat from Bananna Republic. Nickname: IndianaJoe, because I wear a felt hat which looks like an Indiana Jones-type hat. It is not for any of the following reasons: 1) Being from Indiana 2) Liking the character Injun Joe from _Tom Sawyer_. The only character in that book that I would use for a nick would be Huck Finn, because (believe it or not) he was based on a distant relative of mine. 3) Being Harrison Ford. (Someone actually asked this!) Acceptable abbreviations for nick: Indy, Indiana, Indi, IndyJoe, IJ, Joe. Politics: I'm not sure. I think my views would be classed as Libertarian or Progressive but I have no idea whether that puts me on the left or the right. I voted for Dukakis if that's any help. Religion: Formerly a practicing Roman Catholic, but I've become disenchanted with organized religion in general. My belief system has evolved into something unlike most Western religions. I think my beliefs fall somewhere between Christianity and Druidism. Call me an agnostic if that helps. TV: I don't watch that much of it. The only thing I watch on a regular basis is a British adaptation of Robin Hood. I'll also watch Star Trek (old and new), Dr. Who, Mission: Immposible, or Real Ghostbusters if I'm not doing anything else. Movies: Big fan of James Bond, Star Wars, and Star Trek. In general, I like sci-fi/fantasy and intelligent comedy. I hate splatter flicks and "teen comedy". Sports: I enjoy watching sports some of the time, but if I keep it up I get bored. My favorites include auto racing (Formula 1 and GT), baseball (diehard Red Sox fan), football (New England Patriots), and hockey (Hartford Whalers). Music: ROCK/POP - Springsteen, Billy Joel, Bruce Hornsby, Sting, and many others. Wide selection. JAZZ - Pat Metheny, Miles Davis, Spyrogyra, Wynton Marsalis and many others. Wide selection. NEW AGE - Manheim Steamroller, Vollenweider, Paul Winter and others. You guessed it - a wide selection. CLASSICAL - Partial to baroque in general and Bach in particular. However, I like almost all of it, with the possible exception of opera. OLDIES - The Beatles, Beach Boys, Chuck Berry, and lots of others too numerous to mention. COUNTRY - No particular artists. I don't listen to too much of it... Women: None at present. I am currently just interested in meeting interesting women and seeing what happens. No preference as to hair/eye color or anything like that, although being a non-smoker is almost mandatory. Games: Anything. Or almost anything. If you like it I probably will too. I own D&D, Car Wars, Ogre, Illuminati, GURPS, Star Fleet Battles, Traveller, Star Wars, Star Trek, Dr. Who and many others too obscure to mention. Hobbies: Gaming (esp. D&D), RELAY, driving, meeting people, reading, and listening to music. Books: Almost anything. Favorites include _The Belgariad_ series by David Eddings, the _Illuminatus!_ trilogy, _Lord of the Rings_, Philip Marlowe, William Gibson, and others too numerous to mention here. I am partial towards fantasy and science fiction, but I also enjoy detective and spy stories. I HATE romance novels. Clubs: I'm president of CCSUniverse, the sf/fantasy club here at Central. I'm also nominally a member of the computer club and I've been known to show up at the literary magazine meetings. Jobs: Two. During the week, I work in two of the computer labs here at Central. I help out people who don't know their ASCII from their elbow, keep track of software, make sure all the printers have paper, and stuff like that. On Saturdays (and over the summer) I work for Liturgical Publications Inc., one of the largest printers of church bulletins in the country. Things I'd like to do: Race Formula 1 cars. Become President of the United States. Get married and have kids. Likes: Honesty. Good pizza. Porsches. People who tell me the truth, even when it hurts. Taking long drives to places I've never been. Being romantic. Hugs. Dislikes: Cigarette smoke. Getting up early in the morning, especially to work. Being taken for granted. Lies, especially malicious ones. People who don't care. Underpowered econobox cars. Forgetting my hat. Studying. Well, I can't think of anything else right now. If you want to know - ask. The worst that can happen is I'll tell you it's none of your damn business. Otherwise, no problem. Catch you around the net, Indiana Joe This ID file is copyrighted (C) 1988 by Joe Claffey. It may be (and will be, I hope) reproduced or redistributed in any manner, as long as the informational content is unchanged and no fee is involved. All other rights reserved. FNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORD From: Jnet%SIUCVMB::ST6344 12-FEB-1989 14:39 To: WITHALL Subj: Received: From SIUCVMB(ST6344) by CTSTATEU with Jnet id 4584 for WITHALL@CTSTATEU; Sun, 12 Feb 89 14:38 EST Date: 12 February 89, 13:35:24 CST From: Robert L. Kupcek ST6344 at SIUCVMB 1101 S. Wall Rm: 146C (School Address) Carbondale, IL 62901 (* Stop by sometime when going thru. *) To: WITHALL at CTSTATEU The Official M00se Illuminati Identification Form Chapter Name: Free Pirates Chapter Nickname(s): Black_D0G (the pirate),Mystical_Seeker (Wizard) Life Form: Spirit Sex: Male Net Address: ST6344@SIUCVMB Purity: ?? Unknown Description: Brown Eyes, Dark Blond to brown hair, almost 6'0" Creation date: Feb. 18th 1970 Wgt: 180 (At last check) Favourite Saying: Huh? Damn. What have I gotten myself into now. Furthermore: I have many multi-personalities. Some more chaotic then others... Any knowledge you have on Magic, other ARCANE arts, psychic powers, & unknown, I would be interested (So I can add to my own powers)......... Black_D0G the Pirate Har Har mateys, prepare to cast off. BL00P!!! FNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORD The Official M00se Illuminati Identification Form Chapter Name: JAMES M. HERRON_____________________________________ Nickname(s): WOLVERINE, FLESHBALL, MR. BIG, cutterjohn/cuttermike Life Form: HOMO SUPERIOR_______________________________________ Sex: Male _x_ Female ___ Hermaphrodite ___ Other ___ Net Address: _st6036_@_siucvmb Description: 3' 3" tall, short brown hair, hazel eyes, 270 lbs.__ of electric wheel chair under me arse and a letchero us grin on my face._________________________________ Favourite Saying: joke them if they can't take a f**K......___________ Other Stuff: i am proud to call myself a chapter and say hello to all the other chapters out there....bl00p.__________ ____________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________ FNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORD The Official M00se Illuminati Identification Form Chapter Name: Larry A. Nathanson Nickname(s): Zapwig, YO!, Hey you!!! Life Form: Varies, depending on mood/weather/altitude Sex: Male XXX Female ___ Hermaphrodite ___ Other ___ Net Address: lan@bucsf.bu.edu Purity Quotient: 24,34,26 repectively. Description: Varies, favorite form this century is humanoid, 'bout 5'5" brown hair, blue eyes. Occaisionally seen in bird form, but only by other nocturnal avians. (Tho my roomate DOES wonder where I go a lot....) Favourite Saying: You may have to grow up, but you can remain immature indefinately. & If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost. Other Stuff: I'll leave it to the editors to cut the boring parts out. It was last year I was in my Cessna 152. My friend had been shot, and was going to die if I didn't get her to a hospital immediately. So I took this short cut, over the White House, when I was intercepted by 187 F-16's, all firing sidewinder missles at me, when, wouldn'tcha know it, the engine quit, and she started into a screaming dive. [[[Thank you very much Mr. Nathanson, but we've filled the issue. Try again next year.]]] bl00p. -The Zapper __!__ A soul in tension that's learning to fly |'| Larry Nathanson -----o----- Condition grounded but determined to try |'| 617/375-7020 " " Can't keep my eyes from the circling sky |'| 140 Bay St Rd #203E Tounge-tied and twisted, just an earth-bound misfit, I |^| Boston, Mass 02215 FNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORD The Official M00se Illuminati Identification Form Chapter Name: Don Flint II Nickname(s): SANDMAN, Smile, Coma, Paul Steps...Lord of Creation Life Form: Carbon-based Biped of Family Supremus and Genus Genius Sex: Male? Yes Net Address: DPFLINT@SUNRISE et.al Purity Quotient: 54% Description: Good Looking, but with a slightly off set set of ears. In the normal course of events in Jeans and T-shirt. Abnormally, military uniforms for Woods stomping. Favourite Saying: I am not a soldier, I am a Man of War. Other Stuff: Orange Sherbet, Volkswagens, Justice and puppies. 10 _________________________________________________7.5 _____Many many others____________________________5.0 _________________________________________________2.5 Headbanger Music, brats (all ages), and bad food. 0 FNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORD The Official M00se Illuminati Identification Form Chapter Name: Lord Masinde Howard IV______________________________ Nickname(s): Olu_(African for Lord), Spot Toxic, Lord M00se______ Life Form: A mixture between Homo Superior & ???______________ Sex: Male Female ___ Hermaphrodite ___ Other ___ Net Address: V117MG7B@UBVMSC Purity Quotient: ____84.6% Description: Light tan skin, Brown-hazel eyes (depending on the__ Weather), 16.4443 yrs old, 5.6060 feet tall, size 8d Shoes, 185.34 lbs, birthmark: inverted cross,_______ size nine ring measurement, no other strange marks__ Favourite Saying: Sucks to be you_____________________________________ Other Stuff: I love to jet-ski, ski, be in charge, have money,___ shop, watch Monty-Python, ride bicycles, ect._______ I like just about anything and anyone...(You've got_ to be a real to piss me off.) I've__ got a pretty broad sense of humor and can appreciate decent sarcasm..._______(I'm tired of writing)_____ FNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORD The Official M00se Illuminati Identification Form Chapter Name: Rudy Kilvinsky Nickname(s): Rudy, BackdoorM00se, The Rude One, and Ed (shrug). Life Form: Alces sp. Sex: Male XXX Female ___ Hermaphrodite ___ Other ___ Net Address: RUDYK@UREGINA1 Purity Quotient:variable Description: Crude, lethargic, variable, pedantic, blonde, myopic, caffiene addict, introverted, callous, bored, bored, bored, somnabulistic, and 5'10". Favourite Saying:"...and then there was a sickening thud.";"... but you can't get me wrong..." Other Stuff: Enjoy scrutinizing the letter "a", lifting my leg at the speed of light ("did you see that, here, I'll do it again..."), sticking my tongue out upside down, driving combines on golf courses, refuting, designing concrete canoes, encapsulating, and bowling. FNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORD +---------------------------------------------------------------------+ | | | RRRR 000 BBBB 000 PPPP 000 PPPP EEEE IIIII DDDD | | R R 0 00 B B 0 00 P P 0 00 P P E I D D | | RRRR 0 0 0 BBBB 0 0 0 PPPP 0 0 0 PPPP EEEE I D D | | R R 00 0 B B 00 0 P 00 0 P E I D D | | R R 000 BBBB 000 P 000 P EEEE IIIII DDDD | | | | Version 2.00 | | | +---------------------------------------------------------------------+ Last Update: 01/18/89 Name: Ted Samuel Huntsman, but you can call me Sam NickNames: Spam, 'The Jew', Ralph Kalfeltefish (don't call me this one), Wasume, Qwertyuiop The Grate, Bruce (Not pronounced like it's spelled -Ask-), Dave The Dead, Lekhto, RoboPope, Muertos, Norman, BurrowOwl, NastyPope... There's more but I can't think of them... (I have so many!) Race: Not very fast, but I'm White (With American Indian thrown in for good mesure) Sex: Yes. Sexual Preferance: Exclusivly Girls. Major: Computer Science (In the College of Arts and Science) BitNet Address: SH06078@UAFSYSB Snail Mail Address: 1409 Cheyenne Springdale AR, 72764 (I love to get S-Mail!) Hair Color: Brown Eye Color: Hazle Height: 5'6.5" Weight: 135 Like Alcohol?: *NO* Born: May 16,1969 in Little Rock, AR Current Residence: Springdale, AR School: University of Arkansas at Fayetteville Hobbies: Chating, D&D, Paranoia, Computers, I run a BBS (501)751-2686, Sex (When availible),SF/Fantasy, Generally being humorous, Making Movies Major Credit Cards: None Minor Credit Cards: None Musical Preferance: Danny Elfman, Oingo Boingo, Amy Grant, Rocky Horror Picture Show, Adam Ant, The Damned, Bobby Jimmy and The Critters, The Boogie Boys (rap), Bach... I'm versitile... Languages Spoken: English, Spanish, Sign Books: SF/Fantisy, Horror. Steven King, Piers Anthony, Hienlien, Farmer, Niven, Pournelle (When he works with Niven), L. Ron Hubbard FNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORD The Official M00se Illuminati Identification Form Chapter Name: Cornell______________________________________ Nickname(s): Mad Wagnerian____________________________ Life Form: _________Human (I know, boring)____________________ Sex: Male XXX Female ___ Hermaphrodite ___ Other ___ Net Address: ozer@cheme.tn.cornell.edu Purity Quotient: 98.6% Description: (Oh I thought it said temperature...) (Ron Ozer) Mad activist type, recording collector, engineer crazed co-counseling type Favourite Saying: "We begin bombing in 5 minutes..." Sleepy Other Stuff: I have no humour in my body, in fact I am humourless, and this certainly saves time at blood banks. "I'm just your average guy" Lou Reed "Heil dir Sonnen" R. Wagner. I like was a Belgian warrior in one past life and you know it was pretty cool, all of that maiming and killing, but I think my essence was happier as Joan of Arc (did I mention she was me yet?) Well, gotta go... FNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORD Chapter name: High hinnies of fur Nickname: Squashy or squashed Life form: distorted human that sleeps too much Sex: male Net address: Tsjv@Alaska Purity Quotient: .73% Description: 6' 3", brown/blond hair (can't remember, not washed that often. ehh hum) Hazel eyes and 150lbs. Love having moose terd fights. (yes, the REAL moose terds that are brown in color and full of woodchips.) Place of hibernation: Soldotna Alaska (somewhere up here in the frozen tundra.) Favorite saying: I was waxing a MiG when she called Most un-favorite saying: May I have a look under your hood Ma'am? Personality: Read the above -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- *************** AND, OF COURSE, THE UBIQUITOUS M00SE LIST UPDATE *************** -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Please add: (U Victoria Thr0ng) ASUNDBE1 @ UVVM TheSeer Changes: "Olu" is actually known as "L0rd M00se" RUDYK@UREGINA1 is now known as "BackdoorM00se". Many apologies for the inconvenience.

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