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PLAINBROWNWRAPPERPLAINBROWNWRAPPERPLAINBROWNWRAPPERPLAINBROWNWRAPPERPLAINBROWNW _ /\ _ _ /\ _ / \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE / \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \ \_____/ () \_____/ MM MM 0 //0 0 //0 S E \_____/ () \_____/ / \ M M M M 0 // 0 0 // 0 SSSS EEEEE / \ / \__/ \ M M M 0// 0 0// 0 S E / \__/ \ /__________\ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE /__________\ DDDD RRRR OOOO PPPPP PPPPP IIIII N N GGGGG SSSSS D D R R O O P P P P I NN N G S D D RRRR O O PPPPP PPPPP I N N N G GGG SSSS D D R R O O P P I N NN G G S DDDD R R OOOO P P IIIII N N GGGG SSSSS A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE M00SE ILLUMINATI Issue #21| Disclaimer: The Editors will place almost anything | Feb. 9, 1988 ---------- in this newsletter out of a frantic desire to fill --------------- the issue, so don't blame them for the quality or content of the submissions. Excepting those they may have written themselves, the enclosed items do not in any way represent the Editors' opinions. In fact, let's be real safe, and say that as far as this newsletter is concerned, they have no opinions at all. OK? ================================================================================ -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ***************************** TABLE OF CONTENTS ******************************** -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- FNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORD -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- **************************** EDITORIALS AND LETTERS **************************** -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Salutations & bl00p one and all! Well, as it's our first issue (Yowzah!) and we is not known by all soooo... a simple introduction would be in order. Hmmm, how does this "intro" stuff work... Oh yeah! -Goblin/(hobgoblin) (aka Lisa Withall) (scaka Morgana of York) -SalmonM00se (aka Jeff lee) (scaka Godfrey de Shipbrook) We are pleased to take over while his August Antlership, Pickle, is on Sabbatical... And now, a little about ourselves, to those of you who don't yet know us... Goblin: I am an ongoing student of the great belief that somewhere lives the home of a great tribe of beings responsible for all the homework assignments that were never handed in. The reason for life? Well that Lima Beans may be purged from the Universe. Political views? Well Bill the Cat is the only candidate for any office. Religion? I worship Hostess Twinkies. Life form? Half human, half Goblin... Status? Alive I think... SalmonM00se: hmmmm... Well, if you all don't know me from the annoying messages I keep sending... Anyway. Mundane life is pretty boring, having just changed majors from Music Ed to Computer Science. Most of my free time is taken up by the SCA. (Goblin is berating me for being serious, so now for something *completely* different.) Favourite Saying: "Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will piss on your computer." Political views: As long as the elections in the USA are run as mudslinging popularity contests, I hold truck with no party. Oops, I guess that's serious. So: Religious Views: See the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, under the entry "Theories, Universe, Creation of". Life Form: yes. Sex: yes. Hair: yes. Eyes: two. Creation Date: 11/4/66 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ******************************* EVENTS AND NEWS ******************************** -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- According to our sources, *nothing* officially happened recently. (Apart from the change in M00se Droppings editorship, which you know about anyway.) - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - The earth has rotated approximately once in the last twenty-four hours. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - From Alacrity... Newsflash: m00se reports sighting of rare and elusive Scamp Good evening ladies and gentleman, Tom M00seaw here for NBC nightly news. Rumor has it that a m00se by the name of CHAOS Engineer saw, much to his shock and surprise, the a rare and elusive Scamp logged on to the node Sunrise. It is reputed that Scamp was reading her mail. These rumors have not yet been corroborated, but momentarily we expect to hear from our roving correspondent Roger M00se, who is with Mr. Engineer. Roger- Thanks Tom. I'm here on the Siberacuse University Campus with a Mr. CHAOS Engineer, who claims to have seen Scamp logged on. Mr. Engineer, would you care to comment on this claim? Duh, sure. I, uh, think it was her, but I uh, don't really know. It's been so long ya know. Could'ah been RATANTS mebbe, but I think it was RETANTS, but like I say, can't be sure... Well, there you have it Tom. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - According to our sources, the Mega-Thr0ng-A-Thon will occur at the next planetary conjunction. M00ses wishing otherwise should elect a MTaT co-ordinator in their area. The co-ordinators will then be able to discuss the MTaT with each other. Other suggestions are welcome as well. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ***************************** FICTION AND POETRY ******************************* -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- And now, the long-awaited Part IV to SuperM00se! (If you want the other parts, or in fact any earlier issue of M00se Droppings, send a message to me at LEE_JES@CTSTATEU.) ***-> The Adventures of Super-M00se <-*** --- ---------- -- ----- ----- Greetings Superm00se fans. Please note that following is episode four of the adventures of Superm00se. I apologize for the long interval between this installment and the last, but my life as a student (GAH!!) did not allow me time to be creative (Engineering dulls the brain) and as such I am limited by my infrequent spurts of particular mental insanity which allow me to produce such material. I hope that there will be more episodes on a regular basis, but I cannot guarantee them. Enjoy.... CHAOS Engineer aka Expletive Deleted, the Left hand man of a monarch of no great import Forward- All that follows is pure fiction and fallacy, with most rip-offs being done on purpose. All puns on purpose and all violations acknowledged. Any resultant health problems due to reading these episodes are not the responsibility of the author. %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% A gentle breeze wafted through the trees, carrying the fresh pine scent with it. The foot steps of the lone figure were punctuated only by the quiet crunching of the carpet dead needles. Cresting the hill, the forest ended and gave way to a small clearing over looking a valley. The rush of a spring river could be heard below. "Ahhh...." sighed Mark to himself as he sat down. "So good to get home for a week and enjoy the mountains." Mark unslung a large back pack he was wea- We interrupt this Idyllic Interlude to bring you an important news flash. Earlier today the Velveeta Vermin perpetrated the robbery of the First National Bank of Gothopolis, and made good his escape with five million dollars. The Vermin was assisted by his gang, the Processed Cheese Food Irregulars. If you sight these villains, you are advised to call the police at once then hide any and all crackers you have in your house for their own protection. We now return you to your previously scheduled piece of peace. Thank You. Mark stood up bolt straight, and stared out at the sun, unfocusing his eyes until he saw a bespectacled, blonde-haired man in desperate need of a shave hunkered over a VT240 terminal. "Hey, you can't do this! You promised me a vacation!" The blonde-haired man smiles, and types "I lied." "You still can't do this. I'll call the sysadmins and get them to lock your account. What'll you do then, smart guy?" The blonde-haired man smiles even wider. "You'll do no such thing. I'll take away your disk space. What'll YOU do then, smart guy?" "Ok, ok... A working vacation, all right? But you gotta promise, I'm back here at the end of this adventure." The head nods, and unseen by Mark, has his left hand under the table with the fingers crossed. %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% Mark walked in and tossed his trench coat onto the back of the chair, negligently dropped his brief case next to it and made a bee line for Cherri Redding's office. A rap on the door was followed soon by a 'come in', and Mark entered the office and closed the door behind him. "Mark, good to see you. Sorry I had to cut your vacation short, but Lou is on assignment in Hawaii (Hawaii!, thought Mark) and I need a top notch reporter on this bank robbery thing, sooo....." Cherri smiled, and spoke pleasantly, but remorseful undertones snuck in. "Sure, no problem. It's not like I was doing anything important." Mark half grumbled, half mumbled in reply. "I'm really sorry Mark. I promise I'll make it up to you." Cherri stood up, and walked over behind Mark, put both her hands on the sides of his face, tipped his head back, and kissed him lightly on the forehead, then walked out of the room. Mark sat a moment, sighed, then got up and left Cherri's office and went back to his desk to get started on the story. %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% The small windowless room is brightly lit, the sparse but opulent furnishings covered with a yellow gooey substance. There is a large poster of a Holstein wearing sunglasses on one of the walls. The steel door is closed, but the last person out forgot to turn off the radio. A fly buzzes about, flitting from chair to chair, examining the mess as only a fly can. The muffled sound of voices precedes the door being flung open violently. In strides a man sized being, all dressed in yellow with a white oval on his chest that is embossed with a stylized dark blue 'V'. His features are obscured by something yellowish. He is the Velveeta Vermin (quick, hide the crackers!). Following him are four yellow oozing blobs, vaguely humanoid in shape, but only vaguely. They are The Processed Cheese Food Irregulars, the Vermin's cronies and partners in crime. "Duh, gee boss, dat wuz great. Whadder we goin ta do wid all dis loot?" "Shut up!" snapped the Vermin. "I'm thinking" "Ooooooh Boss. I think zat ve should go to Rio. I've always wanted to go to Rio" whined one of the blobs in a nasal twang reminiscent of Peter Lorre. "All of you shut up! Just shut up! The bank robbery was a lure for Superm00se! I'll lure him here then kill him! Yes, I will!" The Vermin's voice had the hard edge of a maniac on the verge of a break down. %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% A short, compact man stood on the corner of 5th and Main, two blocks down from the First National Bank of Gothopolis, covered in a yellow goo, his once recognizable brown and orange costume now almost totally obscured. A steady stream of obscenities issued from his mouth, punctuated every so often with the phrase 'need a brewski'. The man walks down the street a bit further, arriving at a convenience mart. He enters and a short while later returns to the street with a six pack of Piels in his hand. One beer is taken from the pack. A barely audible 'snikt' precedes the top of the can be cleaved off by a razor-sharp piece of adamantium. The beer ends its brief existence in five seconds. The empty can is crumpled in hand and dropped to the ground. The next block up, a late model pink Cadillac El Dorado convertible is seen to zooming bye by the goo covered man. He emits a LOUD belch. A screech of tires can be heard. The caddy comes back into view, and turns up the street coming towards the man, and stops in front of him. "Urp!" "Rough day Wolvie?" queries the car's driver, a tall thin man in a positively hideous polyester leisure suit. "*Belch*. Rough??? What's it look like bub? I couldn't even cut this stuff with my claws!" he says, pointing the mess all over himself The driver whistles softly as his eyebrows attempt a moon shot. "Well, let's get out of here, but first, we've got to do something about your clothes. That yellow goo would simply ruin the upholstery." The driver pulls an odd looking pistol from the glove box. "What's that?" "Leisure suit ray. Turns anyone's clothes into a cheap polyester leisure suit." "Positively fiendish." "I know" replies the driver as he points the gun at his gooey companion and pulls the trigger. He now stands appareled in an off yellow leisure suit. "The color is lousy" "Yeah, I know. That's the one bug I haven't worked out yet." The yellow suited chap proceeds to get in the car which then zooms away. %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% Superm00se sat on the veranda breathing heavily, covered in a thick heavy yellow goo, having narrowly escaped death at the clutches of the evil and vile Velveeta Vermin. The Vermin was now at Superm00se's feet, securely bundled up in tin foil. "Hey, wait a minute, you can't do this! This is supposed to be a cliff hanger serial. You can't do this!" The author smiles again, not in need of a shave as much as before, but still sporting a few days growth. He types "You still don't understand, do you silly m00se? I'm the author, I can do ANYTHING I want to you. I'm the AUTHOR!" "That doesn't matter! You started out with the concept of a cliff hanger serial. You must remain within the pre-established boundaries you yourself set." "No I don't. I may do whatever I wish. You are subject to my every whim. Period, end of discussion." The seated figure then proceeds to execute a and exits the editor and prepares to hit the spell checker. %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% Stay tuned for the next installment when a Plot Continuity Restoration Device (NOOO!!!! not a Plot Continuity Restoration Device) will be implemented. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - The Prophecies of Nostradam00se by Anonym00se Recently, the need arose for me to travel to Spain to research a paper on the horse of Don Quixote. One day, while I was researching in the Alfonso el Sabio library at the University of Numancia, I rose to get a glass of water, but tripped over the table leg, and crashed into a shelf full of biographies of Pablo Picasso. When I came to, I saw that the bookcase had been slightly moved to expose a secret door. I managed to gain entrance. Using my trusty flashlight, I made out stacks and stacks of old (I mean OLD) books. On top was a thick manuscript bound in red leather and tied up with a black ribbon. Beneath the ribbon was a note: "A Padre Sanchez, de Torquemada. Quemalo inmediatamente!" (To Father Sanchez from Torquemada. Burn this immediately!) Burning with curiosity (as I would certainly have been if Torquemada was still around), I slit the ribbon and opened the book. After reading the first few pages, I realized I was reading a set of profound predictions about the world. I managed to find some notes on the book in Torquemada's hand. Apparently, the versified predictions were written by a monk of the order of Luis Obispo named Nostradam00se. He lived in the mid 1400's in Andorra. However, one of the monks of his small abbey (which took up most of the acreage of Andorra at the time) got jealous of his prophetic power and mailed a copy of the verses to Torquemada. Torquemada skimmed the work and immediately ordered Padre Nostradam00se barbequed. Luckily, his work escaped the bonfire. I returned to the States with the book and translated the verses into English, trying desperately to keep rhyme and meter (not always succeeding). After translating the 13042 quatrains, I submitted them to scholars of medieval prophecy and verse at M00sekatonic University in the Boston area and the head of the m00sic department at the University of Southern North Dakota at H00ple, who is trained in interpreting obscure verse. While these scholars have not yet managed to interpret these verses, they have determined that the following four quatrains refer to 1989. They have promised to give me a report as soon as I have it, which I shall in turn pass on to the M00se Droppings. 1. The greatest of cats shall prowl in the street, Awaiting the turns of the trump. The road of the walls show kneel at his feet, And give him a great, golden lump. 2. Out of the barrels cucumbers shall leap, And into the sea shall be tossed. A quiver of arrows up river shall creep, As books of the numbers are lost. 3. The son of physician alone shall now ride, On journeys unto a far place. But soon the vacuum the boy shall abide, For cursed is the sight of his face. 4. The year of the Penguin shall bring a great day, That only the Lion shall know. The sea and the sun and the moon far away Shall bury the grass beneath snow. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- *************************** M00SCELLANEOUS NONSENSE **************************** -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- From: V067PXNR@UBVMSD Description: Mahn-mahn-ha-ha-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAAAAAAN! YOFLAN debarkal syngrog de fwatz encromber, ambreg mo wolna frenkel. Dohume fra crabble hone, buhn secim los mynka. Grokle mon bubis honkoge?? Pukef jelk pamble hoggen!!!!!HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! DON'T YOU GET IT?! PUKEF JELK P A M B L E HOGGEN!!!!! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA ha - snif-ha ha- snif- chuckle-ha-- PAMBLE HOGGEN!!!!!! OH, HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA Y E A. YOW- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - From Goblin: (Funny how things turn out... When I sent this in to Pickle, I had no idea I'd be putting it in myself!) A GENETIC ODE (or A Melan Coli Tale) I used to be a coli, as wild as wild could be. They called me Photo Trophic, whatever that would be. They kept me pure and simple and completely free from faults And fed me on the simplest food...glucose and common salts. Then Lederberg and Tatum came and put me in the sun And watched me very closely to see what harm they'd done. Although they hadn't killed me, they had really hurt my pride And though I looked quite normal I was quite upset inside. Next day they tried to feed me with my normal sort of food But they found I couldn't use it in the way I always could. Glucose I could metabolize-in that I was proficient. But in synthesizing valine they soon found I was deficient. They couldn't find their valine so they went to biotin And till they thought just what to do they kept me dietin'. Then foresight and discernment made this lecturer and Prof. Enrich my food with Oxa cube and call me Oxo Troph. They called another doctor and they all discussed my case. And decided that my DNA must have displaced a base. They all seemed quite excited and I heard Doc Tatum say, Another dose of sunshine might upset more DNA. They gave me 80 seconds of the brightest light I'd seen, And I knew a UV photon had displaced another gene. I remember seeing Lederberg- eyes gleaming through his specs Excitedly tell Tatum that I'd now acquired a sex. Then Lederberg asked Tatum if he could foretell my fate And Tatum thought my only hope was to acquire a mate. So they gave me you, dear Effplus, knowing you alone could right The little bits of DNA that suffered in that light. There's just two things I ask you if you really care for me One little gene for valine- one for fertility. Your genotype's just perfect to revitalize my strain And I know you will co-operate to make me wild again. Be warned O Human Beings by this melan coli ode You who think you are so clever cracking our genetic code. There's a moral in this story- I will tell you what it means: IF YOU STRIP TOO MUCH TO SUNBATHE, YOU MAY LOSE A PAIR OF JEANS. The above poem was obtained from the Dept. of Bacteriology, Univ. of Wisconsin. (of course without their permission..) - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - From the N.Y. Times, w/o permission: The annual Spring Comdex computer show in Atlanta earlier this month meant a booming business for the Bulletstop, an indoor firing range in suburban Marietta where customers can rent firearms and bullets to shoot anything they please, as long as it is already dead and fits through the doors. The Bulletstop gave Comdex visitors a chance to vent their frustrations by venting PC's, printers, hard disks, monitors and manuals with lead. Paul LaVista, the owner, said about 10 groups of high-tech types came in during the Comdex show. "I'm not a computer whiz, but one group brought in what looked like a hard disk and blasted it," he said. "Another bunch brought in some kind of technical manual. The thing was enormous, about 2,000 pages. They rented three machine guns -- an Uzi, an M3 grease gun and a Thompson -- and when they were done it looked like confetti." "It must have been quite a show," LaVista said of Comdex. "Doctors and computer types usually have a lot of pent-up anxiety, but these folks were dragging when they came in. When they left they were really up. The range looked like a computer service center after a tornado." LaVista said PC's were popular targets year-round. "People are frustrated with them," he said. A year ago seven or eight men carried in a giant old Hewlett-Packard printer. "I ran an extension cord to it, and just as it started to whirr and spit out paper, they blasted it," he said. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ****************** SERIOUS STUFF (This won't happen often) ********************* -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- note: this survey is primarily interested in computing privileges for all users. for instance, if you are a comp sci major with the keys to the sun ring or a chem major with your own vax, your answers won't be as useful as if you were joe student, english major, with a cramped account on the academic mainframe. thanks for your help. i owe you lots of backrubs. collect them the next time you're in middletown, ct. especially if you're cute and male. bl00p. ============================================================================== This is a survey of the rights and privileges of users at various schools across the country. Please fill it out, and send it to RFREUNDLICH%EAGLE.WESLEYAN.EDU@WESLEYAN.BITNET (or RFREUNDLICH@WESLEYAN.BITNET, if you don't like to type a lot) (or just RFREUNDLICH@EAGLE.WESLEYAN.EDU, if you're on internet) If you know a user at another school who would be interested in taking part in the survey, please forward him or her a copy. The more people get this, the better the results will be. Here goes: What is your name (real life, not username)? What is your username? What is your Internet (Arpanet) address? What is your Bitnet address? Do you want a list of compiled results? What school are you from? What kind of system is your mainframe (hardware and OS)? Please put an X in the appropriate column: U=Undergrads G=Grad Students F=Faculty S=Staff A=Administration C=Computing Center Staff W=Students who work for the Computing Center O=Members of the local community U G F S A C W O 1)Who can use the system at your school? ..................... 2)Who has to pay for use of the system (if anyone)?........... 3)Who has network privileges (ie telnet, FTP, etc)?.......... 4)Who has access to a draft printer? ......................... 5)Who must pay for such access?............................... 6)Who has access to a letter-quality printer?................. 7)Who must pay for such access?............................... 8)Who has access to a laser printer?.......................... 9)Who must pay for such access?............................... 10)Who has access to permanent storage (ie tapes)?............ 11)Who must pay for such access (per use, or initially)?...... 12)Who is allowed to word-process small documents, for example a small paper, on the mainframe?.................. 13)Who is allowed to word-process large documents, for example a term paper, thesis, or journal article, on the mainframe?......................................... Answer Yes or No: 1)Can you set up a file in your account so that other users can access it?..................................................... 2)Is TALK supported on your mainframe?............................ 3)Is PHONE supported on your mainframe?........................... 4)Can you interactively send messages to users on other systems?.. Give the requested information: 1)What mail system does your school use? 2)If a user is suspected of violating Computing Center policies, is s/he innocent until proven guilty or guilty until proven innocent? Or something else, and if so what? For example: At AnySchool, users have access to a work area called SCRATCH. All files in SCRATCH are deleted several times every day, except for those belonging to users who are currently logged in. Thus a student can work in SCRATCH, which has lots of space, and then when finished, copy everything to his/her own directory. JSMITH has been working in SCRATCH, and accidentally leaves him/herself logged in, thus preventing his/her files in SCRATCH from being deleted. Big Brother (someone from the CC) sees this, and thinks JSMITH might have done this intentionally to effectively gain more disk space. If your school were AnySchool, would Big Brother a) Call JSMITH up on the carpet, yell at him/her, make threats about revoking privileges b) Give JSMITH the benefit of the doubt and assume the transgression was accidental c) Do something else, and if so, what? 3)If a user is suspected of a violation, will s/he be notified before any action is taken against him/her? Or will s/he not know it until, say s/he tries to log in and isn't allowed to? Or will there be some other action, and if so, what? 4)How are questions from users about the system treated? For example, if a user wanted to know the meat of how something worked, and asked a CC administrator, would s/he get a) acknowledgment of the question but "polite" refusal to answer it b) acknowledgment of the question, but "I can't answer that, and here's why" c) acknowledgment, and "I can't tell you but here's who can" d) acknowledgment, and "OK, i don't want to tell you but you have the right to know, so here it is" e) acknowledgment, and "WOW, I'm glad you asked that! Here's how to do it and let me know if you need any more help!" f) total lack of acknowledgment of the question g) "please stop annoying me, you stupid user" h) kicked off the system i) total lack of acknowledgment, and the item in question disappears from public use (ie "wow, could users actually *do* that? how'd we let that happen? better take it away") j) some other response (specify) 5)What about suggestions from users? "Hey, it'd be neat if we could ..." Anything else you'd like to so about your system? ie neat things you can do; really neat things you'd like, but don't have; etc. In case you're wondering, here's why I'm doing this. The Wesleyan Computing Center Administration is horrible. I am writing this in one of the most user-hostile environments I have ever seen or heard of. The incidents mentioned as examples have actually happened here. The SCRATCH student was yelled at and threatened before given a chance to explain (even before he realized what he had supposedly done!). A student suspected of a violation (one which had occurred 2 months earlier) graduated, and, expecting an alum account, tried to log in. She was denied the account, without notification. Students hearing only her side of the story were outraged. When an administrator finally had the chance to present the other side of the story, it conflicted with hers. We tried for several weeks to arrange a meeting where both sides could air their opinions and state what they thought had happened (and been said). The administrator waffled for awhile, pontificating the whole time about how he wanted good relations between the WCC and students, then turned down the meeting. She still doesn't have her account. When we upgraded to VMS 5.0-1, Digital sent TALK along with it. TALK, if you don't know, allows users on different systems (or the same system) to interactively communicate. A week later a student sent a question to the sysmanager about TALK. The next day TALK was completely gone from the system. No help file, no EXE file, no reply from the sysmanager, no nothing. I could go on, but I think you're getting the point. Our complaints are not going to change anything unless we can shove data under their noses that says "Look, you morons, here's how it happens *everywhere* else!" Even then, it may not work, but it's worth a shot. Like I said earlier, the more data we have, the more accurate the results will be. So please, please, please fill this in, and also forward it to anyone you know anywhere else who'd be interested in helping. I'd like to compile the results during our Spring Break (2nd week of March), so if you can get your answers to me before then, it'd be really helpful. Also, if you've got any ideas, hints, suggestions on how to deal with idiocy, or if you've got similar problems you'd like to air, send 'em to me (separately from the survey. it'll make my life easier). Thanks a lot. \,,/, ' Rob -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ******************************* ASK THE ORACLE ********************************* -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- This new column has been submitted by Hal Eisen. Unfortunately, the sheer volume of his sending has made it necessary for us to only include a FEW of his best. If you have any similar examples of ORACLE's output, send them to him at . Where, oh where has my little dog gone? The Oracle has answered your question as follows: He probably fell through a trap door. er--this *was* a Hack question, wasn't it? - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Wouldn't you rather be mating? The Oracle has answered your question as follows: Mating? MATING? I realize that this is Hopkins, and that not only are people clinical science-types, but that they are also desperate for decent members of the opposite sex, BUT STILL could you at least make it sound as though you're not talking about putting two research subject rats in a box with a Dire Straits record on and letting them go at it? That said... so, come here often? What's your sign? - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Give the 5 best reasons for NOT going to class... The Oracle has answered your question as follows: 1) I'd rather sleep 2) I'd rather sleep 3) there is NO reason #3 4) The professor spits too much 5) The phone is ringing - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - What's the 47th word in Douglas Adams' Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy? The Oracle has answered your question as follows: Now let me think, I read that book just before my third 'gargleblaster. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - it's stream of consciousness time: I'll say a phrase, you type the first thoughts to come to mind. Here goes... President Quayle The Oracle has answered your question as follows: ^Z - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Is suspense dead? The Oracle has answered your question as follows: I'll tell you tomorrow... - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - What good is the skink? The Oracle has answered your question as follows: Thke skink iks verky gookd ifk kyou like to waskh dishkes in itk. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ****************************** MEET THE M00SES ********************************* -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The SHORT form of Pickle's ID file: ^ Mm/ \mM / O \ / \_/ \ /_______\ THE OFFICIAL BILL DICKSON CHAPTER OF THE M00SE ILLUMINATI OFFICIAL ID CARD NAME: William R. Dickson (Bill, Bill the Cat, Pickle, Moon Roach) SPECIES: White American male. PURITY QUOTIENT: 79.4% DESCENT: Scottish, Irish, teensy bit of Italian, Lots of other stuff. DIMENSIONS: 5' 11 3/4" (Never did quite make it) by 145 lbs. DESCRIPTION: Average height. Average build. Blue eyes. Hair appears to fluctuate between normal brown and slightly red. Glasses, vision 20/30. Hair medium length. Braces for the next 11 months. AGE: 20. BIRTHDATE: February 11, 1968. RELIGION: Devout agnostic. MAJOR: English, concentration in writing. Political science minor. EMAIL ADDRESS: Dickson@Hartford FAVORITE QUOTE: "I had no shoes, and I pitied myself. Then I met a man had no feet, so I took his shoes." -Dave Barry FAVORITE ANIMALS: Cats. LEAST FAVORITE ANIMALS: Twelve-foot piranha bees. ACTIVITIES: Whitewater canoeing (solo, in an open slalom boat); theatre; playing with my computer; roleplaying and semi-roleplaying games; models; flying kites; reading. THINGS I FIND TRULY LOATHSOME: Young children. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - AN INTERVIEW WITH PICKLE M00SE DROPPINGS: Good morning. PICKLE: It's 1:30 in the afternoon. MD: What prompted you to start the "M00se Illuminati"? P: Well, though he and most other people who were around at the time deny it, I'm pretty sure it was Dave Tarr. There are rumors that I am a clone of Dave Tarr. So maybe I prompted myself. But I'm not sure. MD: Why "M00SES"? P: Because Chris Phillips liked m00ses. I think he's switched his preference to armadillos recently, but it was m00ses back in '84. What Dave Tarr actually did (though he denies it) was to suggest a merger between Chris's fascination with m00ses and my fascination with secret societies, which had developed after I read _Illuminatus!_. I think he was trying to consolidate the madness a bit. MD: Who ARE the M00ses, exactly? P: Well, we all are. We are all m00ses. And I am one of your founders. MD: Excuse us if this is a *personal* question, but why the name "Pickle"? P: It's not phallic. Sorry to disappoint you. It actually comes from the time many years ago when several of my friends accidentally called me "Dill Bickson". It became Dill Pickle, then eventually was shortened to Pickle. MD: I see. Has being a M00se changed your lifestyle any? P: Well, I'm not allowed on many forms of public transport, and I have to wash myself in a rather special way. On the other hand, many major governments fear me, and sometimes pay me huge sums for pieces of information that the Secret M00se Service has picked up here and there. MD: What do your friends and close relatives think of your involvement in this organization? P: Well, most of them are in the organization themselves. Those that aren't tend not to believe in it. MD: What does the FBI think of your activities? P: Well, they're terrified, of course. They keep agents around me twenty- four hours a day, disguised as college dorm-mates, professors, little lead Call of Cthulhu figures, squirrels, and sadistic Public Safety officers. I think the cleaning woman is the head agent, though. She goes through my garbage looking for documents. MD: If you could describe yourself in one word, what would it be? P: Blue. MD: Interesting. Why did you choose that particular word? P: Well, you didn't give me much time, you know.... MD: Has there been any history of insanity in your family? 8) P: Oh, yeah, I think so. Lots of my relatives are nuts. Least, I think so. MD: What do you think about the recent data showing that Hostess Twinkies have a shelf-life of over 50 years? P: Oh, I believe it. I don't think they've made a Hostess Twinkie in forty- five years. Think of the efficiency. Churn out 800 million Twinkies every fifty years, then fire everybody but your marketing and distribution people. MD: Have you ever had any "out-of-body" experiences? P: What are you doing after the interview? MD: Have you ever had any "out-of-mind" experiences? P: What ARE you doing after the interview? MD: Pickle. Who *is* the REAL Pickle? What's he REALLY like? P: Well, unless I *am* a clone, you're looking at him. I FEEL real... MD: If you could sum up your lunch in one word, what would it be? P: Really horrible. MD: Oh, I see ARA services your university... P: Let's change the subject, okay? MD: Is there anything you *really* want to say to all the M00ses out there? P: Yes. English majors are the personification of intelligence. Scopin' out the ghost. "Pulled away" refers to the knee of a man who is suspicious or tired. MD: Thank you for your time. P: Hey, that recorder isn't actually on, is it? - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - THE REVISED M00SE ILLUMINATI SHORT-FORM ID FILE FNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORD The Official M00se Illuminati Identification Form Chapter Name: ____________________________________________________ Nickname(s): ____________________________________________________ Life Form: ____________________________________________________ Sex: Male ___ Female ___ Hermaphrodite ___ Other ___ Net Address: ________@________ Purity Quotient: _______% Description: ____________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________ Favourite Saying: ____________________________________________________ Other Stuff: ____________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________ FNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORD -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- *************** AND, OF COURSE, THE UBIQUITOUS M00SE LIST UPDATE *************** -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ADD: Buffalo Thr0ng V109MEN5 @ UBVMS 0.Dm00se DELETE: U of Vermont Chapter DZUCKER @ UVMVM dzucker For those of you who may no longer have the full M00se List, a fresh new copy will be sent out in the next issue. PLAINBROWNWRAPPERPLAINBROWNWRAPPERPLAINBROWNWRAPPERPLAINBROWNWRAPPERPLAINBROWNW M0

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