It's a m00se file, obviously

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_ /\ _ _ /\ _ / \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE / \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \ \_____/ () \_____/ MM MM 0 //0 0 //0 S E \_____/ () \_____/ / \ M M M M 0 // 0 0 // 0 SSSS EEEEE / \ / \__/ \ M M M 0// 0 0// 0 S E / \__/ \ /__________\ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE /__________\ DDDD RRRR OOOO PPPPP PPPPP IIIII N N GGGGG SSSSS D D R R O O P P P P I NN N G S D D RRRR O O PPPPP PPPPP I N N N G GGG SSSS D D R R O O P P I N NN G G S DDDD R R OOOO P P IIIII N N GGGG SSSSS A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE M00SE ILLUMINATI Issue #20| Disclaimer: The Editor will place almost anything | Dec. 9, 1988 ---------- in this newsletter out of a frantic desire to fill --------------- the issue, so don't blame him for the quality or content of the submissions. Excepting those he may have written himself, the enclosed items do not in any way represent the Editor's opinions. In fact, let's be real safe, and say that as far as this newsletter is concerned, he has no opinions at all. Okay? Good. ================================================================================ -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- **************************** EDITORIALS AND LETTERS **************************** -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Greetings. Due to the hugeness of the issue, there will be no editorial. Sorry it took so long. There are a couple items that will be held till next issue, due to size. This issue will be followed by a complete Chapter list. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ******************************* EVENTS AND NEWS ******************************** -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- << Two letters, one of them in response to the multi-thr0ng-a-thon Megathr0ng-a-thon idea. >> This idea can stick. I like it. Ok, where are all the mid/south m00ses, huh? Or is this the only throng in the south/mid area? where are the folks from IN, ILL, TX, AR, LO, KT, and other surrounding areas huh? Let me know, and we can decide on a place for the M-T-a-T Middle-United-States-Housing (that's MUSH). I would be willing to say, have it here in Fayetteville, but a lot of m00ses might not be able to make it. Plus I am a poor M00se, and dont own a house or anything like that here. Anyway, let's talk MUSH ppl. M00seMan - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Greetings earthm00ses. I have pondered the future m-t-a-t and have come up with 2 reasons to have it in the Andromeda galaxy, convenience,proximity, and ease- 3! 3 reasons to have it in the Andromeda galaxy: convenience, proximity, ease and we all have spaceships- 4! 4 reasons to have it in the Andromeda galaxy, (specifically the twenty-third planet from the star, specifically in the little village of Myrsxxxphildweeeeblebl00p...nice little town with a few alien m00ses whose antlers are fourty feet long...oh dear, I seem to have strayed from the main subject...) 4 reasons to have it in the Andromeda galaxy: convenience, proximity, ease, we all have spaceships and it's nice-oh damn... Well, you get my point. A very confused and whacked out Mr. S. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - I do hereby propose the last weekend in January for the MTAT. Any support or objections? Pickle. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - << From Mitsya, the Red M00se. >> Over thanxgiving vacation, a m00se was killed in the town of Wiscasset, ME. It was apparently a hit and run accident, and there was an immediate funeral and burial, so the identity of this particular m00se remains in question. If there is a m00se whom you know, and was anywhere *near* the Wiscasset area, and is now missing, please contact me (ip85033) This cannot be tolerated. Spaceebaw bolshoi. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ***************************** FICTION AND POETRY ******************************* -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- << Here we have a not-original filksong of sorts, which I found on a listserv the day after the election. I'm including it because I want to. >> Yesterday George Bush seemed so far away Now it looks as though he's here to stay Oh, I believe in yesterday Suddenly There's not half the choice there used to be There's a shadow hanging over me Oh, yesterday came suddenly Why He Had to run I don't know He wouldn't say He's Got Most things wrong Now I long For yesterday Yesterday War was just an easy game to play Help me find a place to hide away Oh, I believe in yesterday - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - << Two of our most productive contributors this issue are Goblin_m00se and Salmon M00se. This might, perhaps, fit better under EVENTS, but due to the way it was written, I figured "what the hell?" >> ADVENTURES IN THE 11TH CENTURY or WHEN GUMBY WENT TO WAR (From the Files of M00selock Holmes) It was a dark and stormy night... raining cats and dogs, London-style. The night of 21 October, 1988, to be exact. I followed a m00se's vehicle through the sheets of rain, to a large brown-and-white house somewhere in Connecticut. With a great roar, the yellow Toyota came to a stop. Its owner, grabbing a tape out of the glove compartment, cursed as he stepped into a large puddle. He ran up to the front door, peered in the side window. Seeing no lights, he vaulted back down the front stairs and ran around to the side of the house. There was a light on in the cellar, and several above ground level. He must have realized his actions looked suspicious, because he ran back to the front porch and rang the doorbell. Generally, when people ring doorbells at 11:30 PM, a house's owner answers the door with a shotgun. Not this time, though. The m00se was let into the house. I crept up to the newly-lighted window and tried to peer beneath the window shade, in the 2-millimetre gap between it and the window frame. Wats0n sneezed, and I shoved my pipe up his nose, to prevent further noises. I turned back to my vigil. Inside were four m00ses: Fuzzy, Snarf, SalmonM00se, and Goblin_m00se. Attaching my suction-cup stethoscope to the window-glass, I sat back on Wats0n's hunched-over form and listened. The tape played; at first I thought it was a Beach Boys' song, but its lyrics had something to do with a Soviet sub grounded in Malibu. Odd, these four were. They talked quite a bit, their conversation centering on mead, Scotch-guard, and Lazer Tag. Eventually, around 3:30 AM, they went to sleep. Some of the more interesting snatches of conversation involved removing Goblin_m00se's clothes and taking pictures while she slept... <->-<->-<->-<->-<-> It was a dark and stormy morning. Two people left; SalmonM00se, as I could identify him now, and the female non-m00se after him. The rain continued, pouring like dead cats. (I have nothing against cats, mind you, as long as they're stuffed.) I kicked Wats0n's sleeping form and told him to climb up to the third-floor window and see what was going on. He fell off the side of the house, and I left him stuck head-first in the mud. I had more important things to do. I climbed to the bedroom window. Goblin_m00se was curled up in bed, pillows everywhere. One m00se, Fuzzy, stuck his head in, wondering if she was going to sleep forever. Goblin_m00se finally staggered out of bed, looking like the living dead, then began dressing in tenth-century clothes. I cursed Wats0n for not buying more film. Eventually, with two others, they climbed into a Mercury Marquis and sped off. I tossed Wats0n into my orange Isuzu and pulled out after them. Finally catching up to them on the motorway, I was hard-pressed to keep up with them. Their velocity was increasing rapidly, as was mine. I saw, from the corner of my eye, a hidden police car. As we passed, the radar, which was pointed lazily out the window, exploded. I had no time to contemplate this happenstance, as we went to PLAID. During the ride through hyperspace, Goblin_m00se's automobile metamorphosed into a maroon dragon. My own vehicle, I am sad to note, could muster no more than a brightly-coloured iguana. It sufficed, however. We were at our destination. We were in a large, rutted field. The dragon was becoming mired in the soggy ground, and several people ran towards it. "Oh dear," I thought, "They're going to kill Goblin_m00se." I hopped off of my iguana and hid. After a second thought, I grabbed Wats0n down from the iguana and pulled him to my hiding place. The people were more benevolent than I thought; they merely helped the dragon to an empty space. Its four riders piled off and walked to a table marked TROLL BOOTH. There were four: Goblin_m00se, Fuzzy, and two others, one of them a monk. The monk looked faintly m00sey, but I couldn't tell from that distance. They paid some gold to the troll, and walked past. Not much happened for a while, except that they met up with SalmonM00se and a female M00se whose name I didn't know. I'll have to refer to her anonym00sely. The entire field was full of mediaeval people. I checked my watch; it read "SOMEWHERE BETWEEN AD 600 AND AD 1650". Well, that's Japanese technology for you. The m00ses eventually entered a large barn, with the rest of the middle-aged people. (Well, most of them were fairly young.) I watched as His Immensity, the Baron Beyond the Mountain, held court. Immediately following, the King of the East held court. My head fairly split from the volume of the "VIVAT! VIVAT! VIVAT!" cries that followed every award. After that, there was a four-hour Bardic circle, where a couple of the m00ses sang songs, or told tales. Eventually they wandered off somewhere to sleep. The next day, only a few items of interest happened: 1) Fuzzy and SalmonM00se fenced for a while. 2) SalmonM00se almost shot the King and Queen (Bow & arrow) 3) Goblin_m00se and SalmonM00se took instruction from a knight named Sir Andrea. They practiced until well after dark. (Goblin_m00se looks extremely sexy when she swings a sword.) After that, they went back to the modern world, stopping at a supermarket without changing their clothes. This elicited many stares. None of them cared. As I left the house, Wats0n chanced upon a small bag of herbs that I had bought while in the Middle Ages. He looked into it, and said, "Holmes, whatever could you be doing with this? I replied, "Elementary, my dear Wats0n... I'm biding my thyme!" - copied from M00selock's files by SalmonM00se & Vegi-M00se Postscriptum: A very m00sey thing to do is to watch Black Adder on Public Television. (Especially Blackadder II.) Watch for the episode with the turnip thingy. COMING SOON: Goblin_m00se and Salmon-M00se are thinking of transcribing the scripts of Blackadder II... Requests may be sent to the following accounts: LEE_JES@CTSTATEU (BITNet) WITHALL@CTSTATEU (BITNet) Users from off-BITNet domains (such as EDU) may send to: LEE_JES%CTSTATEU.BITNET@CUNYVM.CUNY.EDU WITHALL%CTSTATEU.BITNET@CUNYVM.CUNY.EDU - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - << Here we have a story typed in and contributed (though not written) by Valerie. :) whose name doesn't lend itself to anything m00sey. >> GOING THE M00SE WAY HOME by Jim Lattimer (Excerpts selected by myself.) "M00se is tall, a hill on hoofs and thin stork legs. He has bony shoulders, long ears, soft eyes, a mobile muzzle, and a beard." (Gee....I never knew we looked like that...and I suppose I ought to do something about my beard then....) "On his way home, m00se sometimes stands beside the county road to watch for license plates, though he does not know how to read. Once he saw Iowa, Wisconsin, and Rhode Island; He sees a lot of Minnesotas, because he lives in Minnesota and sometimes M00sechusetts (his spelling!!!!)" (Gee....I never knew we were illiterate...yet could read those license plates!!) THE M00SE AND THE TROLL "M00se said simply, "I'm a m00se." A m00se, thought the troll. Like a *Buffalo*, he thought, feeling suddenly hungry. The troll came out to look, and there was m00se, a hill on quiet hoofs, seven feet tall and eleven hundred pounds. The troll hesitated. He fidgeted, muttering to himself. 'I do not feel hungry for a m00se,' he said at last." CHRISTMAS AND THE COWS or is it M00semas and the cows or ChristM00se and the cows ??????????? "On Christmas morning m00se passed a snowy field along the county road. He didn't quite pass. Twelve black and white cows with steaming breath and sad eyes huddled together close to the fence. The cows stared at m00se, their breath frosting the fur on their foreheads. M00se stared back at them. One of the cows flapped its ears. Then another cow flapped its ears. M00se flapped his ears experimentally, searching for the cows' meaning. 'Hello,' he called to them, but the cows didn't answer. They stood, steaming and staring, ears flapping, looking very sad. 'Merry Christmas,' M00se called. The cows did not wish M00se a Merry Christmas. 'Happy Chanukah' he said, though Chanukah was almost two weeks past. The cows did not answer him." (Poor,poor m00se.) - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - << Here is that other, rather brilliant contribution by Salmon M00se and Goblin_m00se. >> Transcriber's Note: All of our comments will be enclosed in [brackets]. Recently published in a nameless newspaper of ill repute was the following Article: [TrashyFacts: More people read the National Enquirer than any other publication!] UNDERWATER BL00PING FULLY EXPOSED! [Fully exposed? That sounds rather RUDE, doesn't it?] The information contained in this article was found in the safe of the late Doctor Frood, of the Link0ping Institute in Sweden, after his death. Doctor Frood was found dead in a locked bathroom, in a tub filled with chocolate m0usse. Nearby was found a calling-card bearing an odd pyramid, with the initials S.M.S. printed underneath. Also found in the vicinity were 5,000 crushed kiwifruits. Authorities are baffled, but Inspector LeStr00de of Scotland Yard insists that the culprits are a terrorist tourist troop from Taiwan. [If they only knew! Heh heh heh] THE PRACTICE OF UNDERWATER BL00PING By Dr. Vroomfondel Frood What is Underwater Bl00ping? The Art of Underwater Bl00ping was discovered in the quaint little village of Farmington, Connecticut, in the United States of America. This practice, shunned by most Americans, is a secret rite practiced by an underground organization, of which this researcher has found extremely little information. In point of fact, the practice is not only shunned by most individuals, it is relatively UNKNOWN - a fact which points to the conclusion that this secret society is a mind-bogglingly large organization filled with the most devious individuals, all bred to superhuman abilities. It is these abilities which make underwater bl00ping possible - but these powers are not visible to the normal eye. Never have I encountered any sort of signal whereby the members of this society may make themselves known to each other - but nevertheless, apparently THEY can tell the difference between a normal human being and one of their own terrible kind. In my researches at the Miskatonic University, located in Massachusetts, I found amongst the fragmentary Pnakotic Manuscripts a reference to this practice, mentioned in conjunction with, of all animals, the moose. The passage reads as follows: ORIGINAL PNAKOTIC TEXT TRANSLATION Ichi ya fernandop00, Of the great god Fernando Poo, Zum bagel lox The skalds of old wisely refrain et kreemcheese t00. to sing. Khargle alkazeltsur ickkity-ack, For if they do, their stomachs Pleah, mitzvah barbell distend and they do fart destroyeth plaque. violently unto their deaths. Yippi-kiy-yiy-burgerking Nevertheless, there (are) those Barbi-queued twinkies whose whispers He will suffer, hys praysez sing. those of the dark Underground. Yoo luk mahvelous, In their secret rites, that zi lectroids bl00p, Bl00ping which they do, Io Grand M00se P00bah The Grand P00bah M00se presides Leviam00se goeth plaid. and they all went home for tea. As the reader can plainly see, this passage hints at even darker possibilities, more terrible than even the original translator of the Pnakotic Manusctipts, L. Howard Phillips, had guessed. For the signs of these rites can still be seen today! This Bl00ping is carried out even as I write! Around the nation, and perhaps even the world, people congregate and perform these dark rituals! And what of the moose? Where do they fit in? And yet, the common person on the street knows naught of this matter. This researcher walked up to 97 people and pronounced the secret word "Bl00p". Ninety-six people showed no useful reaction. The ninety-seventh, a policeman, arrested the researcher. Perhaps even the police have been infiltrated? It cannot be said at this time. The President of the United States of America, when asked if he had any knowledge of this matter, replied: "Well... as President of this great nation, I can assure you that lima beans and Twinkies continue to be this country's greatest resource. If it were not for our country, our nation would not be where it is today." Although these Bl00pers are clever, there are some methods of detecting their actions. The following paragraphs record actual eyewitness accounts of chance discoveries of the rituals: LANSING, NEW YORK: It was horrible! I was standing in the supermarket check-out line, buying food to bring back to my camper, when two women bl00ped at me! I declare! It frightened me so much that I dropped my eggs right on little Bobbi-Jo! SOMEWHERE, MASSACHUSETTS: Verily, I tell thee, 'twas not more than twelve feet away from me! I could not believe mine own ears! An entire throng of people shouted, "BL00P"! Sixteen tents then collapsed! GNOME, ALASKA: I was walking along, worried about my new lipo- suctioned nose, wondering if I looked as dashing as Sean Penn, like the doctor said I did, when a whole lodge of them, dressed as tourists, Bl00ped! The ice cracked, and I fell into the water. My nose got so cold that it swelled back up to its original size! I was crushed! Hey, are you herring what I say? Further documents reveal that Underwater Blooping are generally held in reservoirs. It is with this practice that the members of this secret society find their greatest... (We are sorry to announce that this work was not completed due to the untimely death of its author. Dr. Vroomfondel Frood was found in his bathtub, pummeled to death by 5,000 kiwifruits. The Swedish Coroner's office has marked his death as "Due to Natural Causes".) - Transcribed by SalmonM00se & Goblin_m00se -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- *************************** MISCELLANEOUS NONSENSE ***************************** -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- << From Salmon M00se. >> Q. How many M00ses does it take to change a light bulb? A. None. They'd prefer to keep people in the dark. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- *************** AND, OF COURSE, THE UBIQUITOUS M00SE LIST UPDATE *************** -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Will follow the issue. now


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