It's a m00se file, obviously

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_ /\ _ _ /\ _ / \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE / \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \ \_____/ () \_____/ MM MM 0 //0 0 //0 S E \_____/ () \_____/ / \ M M M M 0 // 0 0 // 0 SSSS EEEEE / \ / \__/ \ M M M 0// 0 0// 0 S E / \__/ \ /__________\ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE /__________\ DDDD RRRR OOOO PPPPP PPPPP IIIII N N GGGGG SSSSS D D R R O O P P P P I NN N G S D D RRRR O O PPPPP PPPPP I N N N G GGG SSSS D D R R O O P P I N NN G G S DDDD R R OOOO P P IIIII N N GGGG SSSSS A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE M00SE ILLUMINATI Issue #15| Disclaimer: The Editor will place almost anything | Oct. 7, 1988 ---------- in this newsletter out of a frantic desire to fill --------------- the issue, so don't blame him for the quality or content of the submissions. Excepting those he may have written himself, the enclosed items do not in any way represent the Editor's opinions. In fact, let's be real safe, and say that as far as this newsletter is concerned, he has no opinions at all. Okay? Good. ================================================================================ -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- **************************** EDITORIALS AND LETTERS **************************** -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Bl00p! Welcome to Issue 15 of M00se Droppings. This is quite a large issue, with much good stuff in it. At the moment, I can't think of anything interesting to say in an editorial capacity, so I won't. Enjoy! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ******************************* EVENTS AND NEWS ******************************** -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- << The following was sent by GypsyLynx. The editor believes that this may be another unconfirmed Sabre sighting. >> The Daily Orange, Thursday, October 7, 1988 A 500-pound bull moose is on the loose in downtown Boston and no one has been able to track down the animal. The moose has been on the rampage throughout the western suburbs of the city. A local television station has nicknamed the animal, which has somehow found his way down from Maine, "Metro Moose." There have been fifteen reported sightings of "Metro Moose," the last when the wild animal was hit by a car Monday morning. Authorities have not seen the moose, who has become a folk hero in the area. The Boston Police Department has put an all points bulletin out on "Metro Moose." Anyone seeing "Metro Moose" is strongly advised to stay away from him. ................................................................. All right, all right, who's been running loose in Boston wreaking havoc?? :-) GypsyLynx -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ***************************** FICTION AND POETRY ******************************* -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- << At last, the conclusion of Super-M00se's first adventure! Read, and thrill to the excitement! >> ***-> The Adventures of Super-M00se <-*** --- ---------- -- ----- ----- Forward- All that follows is pure fiction and fallacy, with most rip-offs being done on purpose. All puns on purpose and all violations acknowledged. Any resultant health problems due to reading these episodes are not the responsibility of the author. Please RSVP to Commode productions. When last we left our stalwart hero, his situation was not all that spiffy. Let's take a peek and see if it has gotten any better. %%%%%%%%%%%%%%PEEK%%%%%%%%%%%%% "Urgh! Uhn! Yerg!" come the sounds of Superm00se's exertions as he struggles valiantly to free him self from the soon to be tightly constricted titanium steel alloy cables. There are few precious grains of sand left %%%%%%%%%%%%UNPEEK%%%%%%%%%%%%% Nope, guess that it hasn't. Well, now that you've had the obligatory teaser to keep you around for the show, let's have a word from our sponsor. "We at Frito-Lays would like to say that this Dorito-Breath Man is in no shape or form connected to our organization, no matter how fictional he is. Furthermore, studies show that our Doritos product..." At this point in the narration in walks a chap dressed in tattered blue jeans and a faded Grateful Dead tee-shirt. "... does not in any way cause a person to have lethal, near lethal, or even mildly offensive odors on his breath. Also.." "Um, excuse me sir. That last statement is a fallacy which I shall now prove. Witness the empty bag of Doritos in my hand. Said bag I have recently consumed without benefit of drink or mouth wash. Now to prove my point." The chap moves in front of the announcer, and exhales boisterously in his face. The announcer blanches and turns his head. "Case closed." And now back to our show..... (poor rendition of 20th Century Fox theme music) %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% Great, Superm00se thought to himself glibly, what a way to go. First day on the job and I botch it. Looking at the hourglass, Superm00se noticed that he was almost out of time. In a few seconds, he would be sliced m00se. What a chocolate way to go (here the author indulges himself in a horrendously bad pun). "Cut, Cut! Man, you've got to be kidding, right m00se? That's the worst monologue I've ever heard. And this predicament is so, so, so... It sucks! You'll never get the hang of cliff-hanger episodes at this rate." Superm00se was aghast at this development. Where did all those lights come from? And all those cameras? What is this, a movie set or something? And who is this idiot yelling at me? "Well, you're probably wondering what I'm doing here, and so am I, but while I'm here, I guess some introductions are in order. I'm Brian DePalma. I'm the guest director for this episode, or didn't you know? I find it rather strange to be here courtesy of the mind of some demented college student, but what the hell. So just who the fuck are you?" "Well, I'm Superm00se." The cloying arrogance in Superm00se's voice was unmistakable. "You don't look so super to me, m00se face. In fact you look anything but. So how do you propose to get out of this situation? I can only stop the flow of sand in that hour glass for so long, you know. In fact, I'd say I've got about two paragraphs left, give or take five." "I'm afraid I'm flat out of ideas about what to do. I hadn't really given it much thought. I was just going to flex my mighty m00se muscles, but that doesn't seem to be working. I don't suppose you could offer any suggestions?" "Nope. Not allowed too." After a brief but seeming eternal silence: "Ummmm...... I don't suppose you could let me loose could you?" "Hmmm... I don't know about that. Let me check." Superm00se watched hopefully as DePalma sheafed through the script. "Sez here that I can't directly aid you, so... However, I can get you off the set. Scenery, get this friggin' m00se off my set. NOW!" Two men in coveralls came in and removed Superm00se on a gurney, and loosened the steel cables. "Some free advice:" volunteered one. "Don't ever show your face around here again," finished the other. Unbelievable, thought Superm00se, but at least I'm free. Let's get at the swine with the unbearable breath. %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% Superm00se wandered down the hall, listening with his m00sey hearing for that foul villain. "Ha ha! Superm00se will most likely be dead by now! I've triumphed. Come children, It's time to review our demands." Oh, that Dorito-Breath Man. Corrupting those poor, innocent children. It's so, so, so.. anti-m00sey. Superm00se followed the sound of Dorito-Breath Man's voice down to the student's lounge. Peering up over the railing, he saw his adversary and his eight young accomplices sitting hunched down over a table, talking softly to themselves. Nearby was a large barrel with a box on top. Must be the bomb, thought Superm00se. I could give a m00sey leap at him, but those kids are too close, and if he breathes on me again.... Ah-hah! That would do it. Superm00se quietly slunk away, going back towards the teacher's lounge. It had to be here, it had to. Rummaging around in the medicine cabinet in the lady's room, Superm00se found what it was he had been looking for. LISTERINE! (Dun dun DUN!) If Dorito-Breath Man had any weakness, it had to mouth wash. It simply had to be. %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% Superm00se stealthily moved over towards the stairs. It'll be risky, he thought, but it's my only chance. I'll have to force Dortio-Breath Man to drink this stuff. Moving close, Superm00se crouched behind a couch. He was very close now. Close enough to... "Hi there. Do you suffer from chronic halitosis?" "WHAT? IT CAN'T BE YOU. YOU'RE DEAD. I KILLED YOU!" "Dead, hardly." Superm00se replied, somewhat nonchalantly. In one rapid movement, he opened the bottle of Listerine, stuck it in Dorito-Breath Man's mouth, emptied the contents into his mouth, picked Dorito-Breath Man up, shook him, then turned him up-side down. "So tell me, how do you like that feeling of nice clean breath, hmmmm?" Superm00se inquired innocently "You, you, you, you... You cleaned my BREATH!!!" "That's right. You want to come quietly or shall we do it the hard way?" %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% "Well Mark, I have to hand it to you. You did a top notch job covering that story in Kansas City." "Thanks Cherri. Just doing my job." "Yeah, sure Mark, sure... So, how about coming over to my place for dinner tonight?" "Well, I, ah, sure..." Mark stammered a reply, and blushed somewhat noticeably. Cherri just laughed quietly to herself. (Yeah, well if you're a lech and expect that there's going to be love scene, your wrong! So there! It was just dinner! [author wags tongue at his readers]) %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% "So why was I unable to use my mighty m00se muscles to snap the cables, and burst through the wall? Tell me please, oh great one." "Strength and maturity, as with all things, come with time Mark. Have patience. Besides, you truly being super would defeat the whole purpose of this adventure." "Which is?" "I don't know." -Finis- -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- *************************** MISCELLANEOUS NONSENSE ***************************** -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- << Yet more random babbling from Beez, one of the most talented random babblers I have ever met. >> Beware of the newest computer virus! The virus started here at Syracuse was started by an irate user who was laughed at for using an IBM pc instead of a mainframe or Macintosh. He devized a most clever virus that takes all the files on your account or disk and deletes them, then replaces them with exact copies. These copies are exactly the same as the originals and run just as before. The only way you can tell if you have been hit or not is a negative flow within your account/disk. So next time you are working..bring your crystals and drain the negative forces out. Stay tuned for more news on the NEW AGE VIRUS!! Boston University people..someone write on the plight you guys face with the new dorm rules and tell us activist people what we can do to help! What if Unemployed Actors worked in Banks Instead of Restaurants: (heisted from SPY magazine..the best magazine ever put out..no doubt) 9:12 am : Man in torn t-shirt and faded jeans enters bank: surly 'method actor' has finally arrived for work. 1:28 pm : Competition amongst tellers to work at window closest to surveillance camera results in tears and vicious gossip. 2:59 pm : Bank robber's forceful "Put your hands up!" unleashes frenzy of precision dancing. To spaceman biff (sp?) you may want to attend one of the central New York chapters of the Klu Klux Clam (KKC) which are held in a farmer's field out in Penn Yan, New York. Most members feel that since they have never seen the ocean, let alone a clam, and that they are ignorant, but not ignorant enough to hate fellow human beings, they decided to hate the clam. Pickle: add Vince Sison to the list of M00sers (VASISON@SUNRISE). He looked over my shoulder when I was reading and said, "That's totally warped,dude! I must get in!" I think people should support Dukakis because he has the eyebrows of a M00se I once met in Fresno. Now for some interesting stuff and true too! Full name: The Loyal Order of Moose History: Founded in Louisville, Kentucky in 1888 Headquarters: Mooseheart, Illinois Membership: 1,270,000 National Organization: The Moose Domain is governed from Mooseheart and includes 40 state and provincial associations and 2,074 lodges in the U.S. The Moose Domain also includes a community for orphans in Mooseheart and a senior citizens' community called Moosehaven. Moosehaven is "a city of contentment" where 'the meals are exquisite'. Qualifications for membership: Mooses cannot have a criminal record and must believe in a supreme being. Motto: "Purity, Aid and Progress". Symbol: The Moose,because it is a big,strong animal "that does not kill and protects its own". Costume: Moose dress is distinguished by the moose emblem: a moose head with the letters P, A, and P. Women's auxiliary: Women of the Moose. Initiation procedure: The candidate commits himself to the principles of the organization, participates in a 'Nine O'Clock' ceremony in which he silently blesses Mooseheart, has a Moose code of ethics (which urges tolerance of other's weaknesses, avoiding slander and love for one's fellow Moose) read to him in front of the lodge altar and is then invested by the right hand of the lodge governor. Social advancement: The advanced degrees of Moosehood are The Mooseheart Legion of the World, Fellowship and Pilgram. Obligation: Members swear to keep secret everything that occurs within a Moose lodge. The height of sublimity: The genuine compassion Mooses feel toward the orphans of Mooseheart. Height of mundality: residents of the senior citizen's home, Moosehaven, receive a 'sunshine allowance' of $25 per month. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - << This is a letter that Kev, a new Loyola chapter, sent to Mommydammit, requesting information about the M00se Illuminati. It contains some interesting stuff. >> That m00se thing sounds very bizzare and uninformable. A trivial waste of time, which is why, naturally, I loved it. How does one get to respond to people so obviously in need of obscure weirdness? Let me know, I have to tell Biff that OOOH obviosly is the well known animal neglige store, Oliver Orangutange's Of Hollywood. He said he was looking for an anacronym. There you have it. By the way, don't get the edible underwear from OOOH, it only comes in banana flavor. Not that I've tried it...I'd never date an Orangutang. They're sloppy kissers... so I've heard. Plus they don't even like jaZz, only The Monkees. Pretty pathetic. Actually, I had a good friend who was an orangutang once. He dated this really hot babe and got her all sortsa stuff from OOOH. He was a nice guy, but he always beat me in arm wrestling. Strong little bugger. He never shaved either. Neither did his girlfriend, come to thing of it. Oh well, as long as they're happy. I think he runs a retail store now, he tried running a video store but all he would offer was Planet of the Apes and Bedtime for Bonzo reruns. Oh well. Like I said, let me know how to get in touch with these guys. I might just fit in! Thanks... Kev - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - << Wolverine has sent more information on M00semas. Some of the terms below will be added to the M00se Illuminati dictionary. >> Here is yet another installment from that wonderful tome of eternal knowledge, "The Complete Discordian M00semas Celebration Handb00k" by Andalusia The Heretic. "Gl0ssary of Terms" M00stery -- Puzzle, enigma: or a drama in which a hairy brown detective with horns investigate a murder. M00sive -- Huge, gigantic; as in "His organ was m00sive, and when he played with it the sound was indescribable." Am00sing -- Humorous, entertaining; enough to make a m00se guffaw. M00sterbation -- Autoeroticism; i.e. groping with a m00se in the back seat of your Toyota. Or, confabulating with your own gentiles until your organism is aroused. [those are the spellings in the book folks, not mine.] M00scow -- The capitol of the Union of Soviet M00sialist Republics. The Nine M00ses -- The spirits of inspiration and the arts. In traditional Discordian lore, the Nine M00ses, lived on Mount Pelican, and were named: Mnem00synee: Memory of oversights forgotten until it's too late to do anything about them. Kralia: M00zak played over elevator sound systems. Cleeno: History, revised or made up to emphasize the glorious achievements of m00sekind. Cloppity: Heroic poetry about m00ses, especially limericks, especially bawdy. Terpsychiatry: Dancing Freudian therapist. Melpom-pom: Tragedies about high-school-aged m00ses who tried out for Varsity Cheerleading and were rejected because of their species. Eroto: Erratic poetry about m00ses in love and one dies during orgasm. Eustace: Flute m00zak, or any knd of rhythmic noises through hollow objects with holes in the end. Polypropylene: Sacred songs about Bullwinkle, which there aren't any but you could make one up. Like "Never, My M00se, to Thee" or maybe "Good King M00sceslas." Well, that's only about a third of them..more to come later.... - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - << The Patrick Salsbury chapter, now known as Warm00se, has been busy, as you'll see in a minute. This is an excerpt from a letter he sent me. >> Wait till you hear this! When M00se board was formed, it actually took the place of JOKES on our bulletin boards. This meant that all the people who had set pointers to let them know when there were new messages on JOKES got a message saying there was new stuff on M00SE ILLUMINATI! Now, no one knew what M.I. *WAS*, and what's even BETTER (and MORE confusing) was that they got confused by the zeros instead of the 'o's! This meant that they were getting something saying "New messages in M00SE" and when they typed it, got "MOOSE does not exist"! Isn't that a MASTERPIECE of peaceful confusion?!?!?!? :) And it was an accident, too! :) -Pat -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- *************** AND, OF COURSE, THE UBIQUITOUS M00SE LIST UPDATE *************** -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- It was a glorious week for the M00se Illuminati! In addition to two new chapters at Loyola, one at Siberacuse, and one at Trinity, we can thank the Patrick Salsbury chapter (now known as Warm00se) for the addition of seven new chapters. We are only 15 away from the 100 mark! Please add: Loyola thr0ng KEVIN @ LOYVAX Kev TERESA @ LOYVAX Teresa Siberacuse thr0ng VASISON @ SUNRISE Vince Sison Trinity thr0ng CWELLER @ TRINCC Black Adder - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Replace the Buffalo chapter with this entire listing. Buffalo thr0ng V047KFZ7 @ UBVMSD Jon D. Evans V050NRGD @ UBVMSD JetStar V065L4KV @ UBVMSD Donald V. Freedman V067LUFD @ UBVMSD Riff, DeathM00se V068KY46 @ UBVMSD John J. Atkins V085PWPZ @ UBVMSD Valerie J Hammerl V096NHDQ @ UBVMSD Chris M00spaw V291NHTP @ UBVMSD WarM00se

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