It's a m00se file, obviously

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_ /\ _ _ /\ _ / \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE / \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \ \_____/ () \_____/ MM MM 0 //0 0 //0 S E \_____/ () \_____/ / \ M M M M 0 // 0 0 // 0 SSSS EEEEE / \ / \__/ \ M M M 0// 0 0// 0 S E / \__/ \ /__________\ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE /__________\ DDDD RRRR OOOO PPPPP PPPPP IIIII N N GGGGG SSSSS D D R R O O P P P P I NN N G S D D RRRR O O PPPPP PPPPP I N N N G GGG SSSS D D R R O O P P I N NN G G S DDDD R R OOOO P P IIIII N N GGGG SSSSS A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE M00SE ILLUMINATI Issue #11| Disclaimer: The Editor will place almost anything | Sep. 9, 1988 ---------- in this newsletter out of a frantic desire to fill --------------- the issue, so don't blame him for the quality or content of the submissions. Excepting those he may have written himself, the enclosed items do not in any way represent the Editor's opinions. In fact, let's be real safe, and say that as far as this newsletter is concerned, he has no opinions at all. Okay? Good. =============================================================================== ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- ************************** EDITORIALS AND LETTERS *************************** ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Hello all. As this issue is quite large, I won't include my own editorial. Also, I haven't written one yet. However, the material in this issue is (if I may say so) very good, and gives me hope that M00se Droppings will not die due to a lack of submissions after all. << First, a lost-and-found notice....... >> ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- " " " Place " " Photograph " " Here " " " =========================================== Have you seen this lost M00se? His name is Sabre (aka Eric Burns) and he has been missing from the Net for some days now. Suspicion has it that he has been captured by the Brotherhood of Evil Relayers. If you see him, please notify Wolverine at B45J@CORNELLA with info. There is a reward. We now take you back to your regularly scheduled program. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ << We also have the following letter from Lord Rassilon: >> Here at Wesleyan, the socially-conscious and politically-liberal are beginning to continue their activities toward Divistment. Any information you could furnish about the situation at your own colleges would be helpful. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ******************************* EVENTS AND NEWS ******************************* ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ***************************** FICTION AND POETRY ****************************** ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- << THIS one speaks for itself. Please send some reader response, because the author does not wish to write episode 2 if everyone hates episode 1. >> ***-> The Adventures of Super-M00se <-*** --- ---------- -- ----- ----- by CHAOS Engineer Forward- All that follows is pure fiction and fallacy, with most rip-offs being done on purpose. All puns on purpose and all violations acknowledged. Any resultant health problems due to reading these episodes are not the responsibility of the author. Prelude: In a forest in Maine, amongst the depths of the tall stands of pine there was a m00se couple. Not just any m00se couple, mind you. They had recently just escaped from the evil clutches of the U.S. Government, after being subject to weird experiments beyond all description. Mrs m00se was currently in the throes of labour, giving birth to her and Mr. m00se's first child. It was a momentous event indeed. Soon, the proud couple stood over their son, but it was obvious that he was not an ordinary m00se. "Somehow dear, I just don't think our son is a normal m00se. He looks so much like those men we escaped from." "You're right, love, but dammit, I just gave birth to the tyke, and he is our child, no matter what." "But we can't raise him here. We lack the facilities to raise him as a proper m00se. We have no choice but to see to it that he receives an education." Filled with remorse, Mrs. m00se acknowledged the wisdom of her husband. Taking the picnic basket they had found on their way here, the m00se couple put their first born in it, and headed off to the ranger station, filled with remorse, but buoyed ever so slightly by the knowledge that they were doing the correct thing. %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% Ranger Bob Was awakened early that morning by a wailing outside his door. What in the name of tarnation could it be, he wondered. Stuffing his feet into his slippers and pulling on his robe, Ranger Bob went to his door to investigate, when what did he see but a picnic basket on his stoop with a small babe in it. "What in tarnation's name!" he exclaimed, as he bent over to pick up the basket, and taking it inside out of the cold morning air. Odd he thought, no note. Only m00se teeth marks on the basket's handle (Ranger Bob knew the marks to be m00se teeth marks, since he was indeed an expert on m00sey things.) Well, I guess I'll just raise him as my own, thought Ranger Bob. %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% As the years wound by, Ranger Bob found out that his adopted son, Mark Kent (Ranger Bob's full name being Robert Clark Kent), was not an ordinary boy by any accounts. He grew fast, and was stronger than a normal boy. Ranger Bob knew that someday he would have to reveal to Mark his mysterious background. After twenty some odd years had passed, and Mark had completed college, Ranger Bob sensed that it was now time to tell Mark of his background. "Mark." "Yes father" "I have something to tell you Mark. It concerns your past. I know that I have told you that you are my adopted son, but there is more. When I found you, you were on my stoop in a picnic basket that bore no identifying marks save m00se teeth marks on the handle. I knew these to be m00se teeth marks since I am an expert on m00sey things, and have passed the m00se lore onto you as well. Also I have noted that you are much stronger than a normal man your age, as you are aware. I suspect that you have a hidden past that neither of us are aware of. Thus, I believe that you should go into the woods and perform the sacred m00se dance that I taught you and seek to contact Leviam00se and learn your true origin." "You believe that this will be of use father?" "I do my son, since I am wise in the ways of m00sey things, as were my fathers before me, the sacred m00se lore passed down from generation to generation." %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% Mark ventured out into the pines, taking with him the necessary items to complete the scared m00se dance. Walking a great distance, Mark eventually came to the copse his father had told him of. Clearing out the fire pit, Mark made ready to perform the dance. Make the fire in which to burn the dried m00se droppings incense. Paint the face in ritual way of the m00se. Ready, Mark danced and chanted, every so often tossing the incense into the fire. He felt the power in him rise, and began to feel light and heady. Soon, he was ready to meditate and complete the ritual to call upon Leviam00se. "Leviam00se." nothing "Leviam00se!" still nothing "LEVIAM00SE!" bellowed Mark, and he was rewarded. His vision hazed over, and cleared to the sight of the pyramid. Eleven tiered, with the single eye and the antlers. Leviam00se. Sitting in a large straight back chair at the foot of the pyramid was a tall man with the head of a m00se, the brown fur amply dosed with gray. Strange that Leviam00se should choose to manifest himself in this way. "Greetings, Mark, adopted son of Ranger Bob and child of Mr. and Mrs. m00se." Leviam00se spoke to mark in amazingly good english considering that the formation of his jaw structure should have made it impossible for him to do so. "Greetings O great and wise Leviam00se" replied Mark. "How is it that you speak such good english when your jaw structure should not allow you to do so." "It is a m00sey thing, Mark. You need not concern yourself with it. But, let us get to the point. You are here at the urgings of your adopted father to seek your past, so gaze now into the eye of the pyramid of Leviam00se, and let all be revealed." Mark watched raptly, as he saw his true mother and father being experimented on by scientists of the U.S. Government, doing horrible and perverse things to them, saw how they escaped to the woods where he was born, how he was taken to Ranger Bob to be raised and educated. The rest he knew, and the spectacle stopped. "Now Mark, let me continue. You are possessed of great powers, and must use them to combat the forces of anti-m00sey-ness. Henceforth, whenever you say my name, the full force of your abilities shall be unleashed, and the foes of Leviam00se shall tremble in fear at the powers of *********** SUPERM00SE *********** (for dramatic effect, please imagine that there is a blaring triumphant fan-fare/symphonic score in place here. Something like Beetohven's fifth would be appropriate.) say now my name, Mark, and feel your power and birth-right." Mark stood, feeling a bit perplexed and more than a bit awed at the immensity of it all, and spoke Leviam00se's name. "Leviam00se!" There was a sharp peal of thunder, and in Mark's place stood Superm00se, tall, strong, powerful. A man, tall, powerfully built, garbed in a very tacky pink suit with the pyramid symbol on the chest in fluorescent green, but most importantly, with a m00se's head, with a MAGNIFICENT set of antlers. "You are now Superm00se, Mark. You must now go forth and battle as the champion of m00se-kind and those non m00ses oppressed by evil-doers. You must however, ware well your one weakness. I call it m00se-ite, but that is not it's true name. It is the foul concoction with which your mother was injected before your birth. It is a mixture of caffeine free diet Coke, Illudium Pu-38, Vidal Sasson hair spray, and Limburger cheese, a foul and devious mixture if ever there was one. It will rob you of your m00sey abilities. I suggest you avoid holding heavy objects over your head if you run a good chance of being exposed to it." "You are very wise, O Leviam00se. It shall be as you say." "Go now Mark, and do my bidding." Mark's vision became obscured, and when it cleared, he once again found himself in the clearing, a man of normal appearance. %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% Returning home, Mark was met by his father at the door. "How did it go son?" "I saw Leviam00se, and he did tell me what I must do, and he gave unto me my birth-right and full powers. I now know what I must do. I shall go to Gothopolis, and get a job with _The_Daily_Gonad_ as a mild mannered reporter. There, I will be able to do battle against those who would seek to harm and oppress m00se kind." "Why, that's a noble thing to do son. I wish you luck." ********-> Next episode, watch as Mark goes to Gothopolis and gets a job and has his first encounter with the evil forces that oppose m00se kind. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- *************************** MISCELLANEOUS NONSENSE **************************** ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- << And now, for two rather hilarious contributions by Wolverine. I don't know where they come from originally. >> What with Tom Sellick appearing on Murder She Wrote, Jessica appearing on Magnum P.I., and characters from Dynasty and Dallas constantly getting cofused as to which set they should go to, have you ever wondered what would happen if this was followed to it's natural end? For example, suppose Captain James T. Kirk met the Roadrunner. This means, of course, that we must somehow integrate the Saturday Morning Laws of Physics into the Star Trek universe. i.e.: 1) Sentient creatures do not fall until they realize they are about to. 2) Objects fall at a rate inversely proportional to their mass (otherwise known as "Anything falls faster than an anvil") Now, if we assume that this is an effect of the Road Runner, as opposed to some general joke of the universe (although, I admit I have never seen an anvil descending over Kirk's head while he was falling), then we can expect other effects, as well. Notably: 1) Anything struck by a deadly weapon (presumably including phasers) is not killed, but merely singed and stunned (somehow "He's covered with soot, Jim" just doesn't carry, though). 2) Crewmembers surprised by the Roadrunner jump much higher than gravity should allow. Now, the difficulty here is that there must be some reason for the encounter. Remembering that the Roadrunner is a fairly self-centered beast, the motivation for the episode must come from the Federation in some form. Let us suppose that the Enterprise is doing some sort of research mission to an unknown planet. I think the Captains Log would be worth a look: Captain's Log, Stardate 54324.5: Starfleet Command has directed the Enterprise to do a preliminary exploration of planet --- in advance of a full research team. Scanners report the atmosphere to be breathable, but are recieving confusing readings with regard to life forms. I am beaming down with a landing party composed of all our chief officers except for poor Scotty. Supplement: Redshirt Riley has received a head injury, apparently while exploring under a high rock shelf. He reports only hearing a loud sound and jumping before being struck. After examination by Dr. McCoy he has been judged capable of continuing duty. Supplement: We have encountered an alien creature on this planet. While it does not itself seem menacing, a unfortunate occurance took place when it was present. Specifically, on my orders Lt. Sulu withdrew his phaser. The creature disappeared leaving a puff of smoke, immediately following which a loud noise was heard next to Sulu. Sulu fired, hitting Ens. Chekov. Oddly enough, although Sulu's weapon was set to stun, Chekov was also covered with a black powder similar to soot. Mr. Chekov has been sent back to the ship for examination and quarantine. Stardate 54326.2, Mr. Spock reporting: Tricorder readings indicate that the creature we encountered earlier is constantly moving at great speed over the surface of the planet. We have encountered the creature once again. In an attempt to slow the creature for study, I attempted to fire on it. The creature, however, appeared to move faster than the phaser beam. Regretfully, the beam struck an outcropping of rock above the Captain's head, causing it to break off and fall. Although it appears that several tons of rock fell squarely on the Captain, he was driven straight into the ground but apparently not seriously injured, though stunned. The Captain has been beamed up to Sickbay, leaving me in command of the research party. Captain's Log, Stardate 54342.1: The creature is still at large on the planet surface. While Mr. Spock continues to lead a research party I am currently at work with Mr. Scott on an Acme Pressure Cooker for our lab, for when the creature is finally apprehended. Captain's Log, stardate 54342.3. The strange occurences that have dogged the landing party since our arrival at this planet have led me to believe that the creature is in some way directly responsible for them. Mr. Chekov and I have both been declared fit for return to duty, though Dr. McCoy has entered in his medical log that he feels we should be kept under observation. Mr. Spock has constructed a device which he suspects should be able to counteract the creature's incredible speed as follows: We have placed a dish of birdseed out in the open, with several signs pointing to it. The dish is atop a cleverly concealed trap door, which will open when any weight falls on it. The creature will then travel a slide, eventually being deposited in a cage constructed of sheets of transparent aluminum. We will then be free to analyze it at our leisure. Meanwhile, I have forbidden all beaming down to the surface of the planet except on my or Mr. Spock's direct order. Captain's Log, supplemental. The plan failed. The creature was indeed lured by the birdseed, as expected. It sped to the dish, consumed the bait, and sped off without setting off the trap. Mr. Spock is as puzzled as I, and has begun tests to discover the flaw in the design. I have sent out three search parties to see if we can box the creature in, one headed by Mr. Sulu, one by Mr. Chekov, and one by Sociologist Xontel. Captain's Log, stardate 54342.8. Sociologist Xontel has been temporarily incapacitated. In pursuing the creature, he and his men somehow managed to cross the place where Mr. Spock's trap was set just as he completed the corrections to it. The trap was sprung, and all four of my men were suspended for a moment in mid-air, puzzled, just before they fell into the cage we constructed. We are now trying to release them with phasers, as the lock was inadvertently smashed by the impact from Sociologist Xontel's foot as he fell. I consider this a major setback. Mr. Spock considers it "fascinating." Captain's Log, stardate 54343.4. In an all-out attempt to stop the creature once and for all, I have had a phaser rifle beamed down from the Enterprise. The creature has behaved in an extremely cunning manner, yet I am unsure whether this is a sign of actual intelligence. Lt. Uhura has been unsuccessful in her attempts to raise Starfleet Command. Meanwhile, Mr. Scott informs me that our dilithium crystals are deteriorating at an alarming rate. He has juryrigged a system that will prevent the decay for a time, but it is imperative that we find new crystals soon. Captain's Log, supplemental. Mr. Sulu reports high energy tricorder readings from an area of the planet in which the creature has not yet been sighted. He has taken a small party, including Mr. Spock, to the high-elevation spot from which the readings emanate. I have begun to analyze the creature's movements. It seems to travel consistently over a set path. Perhaps we can corner it in a tunnel it seems to pass through frequently. Captain's Log, stardate 54344.7. Mr. Sulu has located a cache of ACME dilithium crystals atop a high cliff. Regretfully, while collecting them, the edge of the cliff broke off, and he and Mr. Spock plummetted several hundred feet to the ground below. Strangely enough, they both survived the fall with no more than raising a cloud of dust on impact, although they did pass the chunk of rock on the way down and end up completely buried. A rescue excavation has commenced, and they should be safe shortly. Captain's Log, stardate 54344.9. Mr. Spock has beamed up to the ship with them to assist Mr. Scott in their installation, as he forsees compatability problems. Back on the planet's surface, Mr. Chekov led seven men into the tunnel in an attempt to capture the creature in transit. A loud BEEP, BEEP was heard, and Chekov aimed the phaser rifle and commanded his men to spread out. I wish to state for the record that I would have acted similarly, and that Ensign Chekov should in no way be held responsible for the unfortunate circumstances arising from the unexpected appearance of an old Earth-style freight train. He has been beamed back up to the ship with minor injuries. Captain's Log, stardate 54345.1. Dr. McCoy has beamed down with a hypo containing a mixture of kyranide, tri-ox compound, Scalosian concentrate, a theragram derivative, and some other items he found in unmarked containers in Sickbay. By injecting a small amount into each member of the landing party, I hope to be able to deal with the creature on its own high speed terms. Captain's Log, supplemental. The latest experiment to deal with the strange creature has failed. As Dr. McCoy was injecting a measured dose of the compound, it abruptly appeared behind him and uttered a loud BEEP, BEEP! Dr. McCoy, understandably flustered, accidentally pressured in the entire contents of the hypo into his arm. A full security team is in pursuit of him, waiting for the effects of the drug to wear off. Captain's Log, stardate 54345.2. I have ordered the landing party transported back to the ship. The new dilithium crystals have been successfully installed. On my responsibility, the ship is preparing to engage main phasers to attack the creature, which continues on its semi-erratic course across the planet's surface. Captain's Log, supplemental. This is a warning to all other starships that may pass this way. Do not approach this planet! The illogical events occuring here are too much to overcome with simple science. If you have heard the events transcribed in the rest of this log, you will learn that this creature is nearly undefeatable. We channelled full ship's power through the phaser banks. Theoretically, the creature should have been destroyed; however, the energies were too much strain for the ACME crystals. The full force of the phasers backlashed over the Enterprise, engulfing her completely. At first, the only noticeable effect was a complete failure of all systems save emergency gravity and life support. Then a web of black lines spread through the Enterprise's superstructure. Next, the ship began breaking up, piece by piece, falling through the atmosphere to land on the surface of the planet. When the ship had collapsed entirely, my crew was left hanging in space for a short time, and finally each of us began to fall to the planet below. We have no theories on how any of us survived, but every crewmember has reported nothing more than a sense of uneasiness, followed by the realization that they were several hundred miles up in the air, a sinking sensation, and then a gradual drop: first the feet, then the body, and finally the head, usually wearing a resigned expression of perplexion. We are attempting now to communicate with the creature in the hopes that it will prove intelligent. Perhaps we can communicate our peaceful intentions to it. Mr. Spock has constructed a crude rocket launcher from the wreckage of the ship, and with this we hope to send the recorder marker up into space, where hopefully someone will find it. Captain James T. Kirk, of the United Federation of Planets, Captain of the Starship Enterprise, recording. ******* end message ******* -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- AT&T Customer Service Memorandum Please stop submitting compliants. This is our system. We designed it, we built it, and we use it more than you do. If there are some features you think might be missing, if the system isn't as effective as you think it could be, TOUGH! Give it back, we don't need you. See figure 1. *-------------------------------* | _ | | | | | | | | | | .-.| |.-. | | .-| | | |.-. | | | | | ; | | \ ; | | \ ; | | | : | | | | | | | | | | | *-------------------------------* Figure 1. Forget about your silly problem, let's take a look at some of the features of your AT&T computer system. * Options We've got lots of them. So many in fact, that you would need two strong people to carry around the documentation if we had bothered to write it. So many that even we don't know what most of them do. Don't ask us for any of these options, because we probably can't find the PEC for it anyway. Even if we find the PEC, we probably can't order it either (just TRY asking for nroff on a 3B2). If you don't like it, call Technologies. They'll tell you to see Figure 1. * Hot Lines If you need technical help, call our hotline. You say that the guy at the other end doesn't know any more than you do? Too bad. If we could afford to pay qualified people to answer the phones, we'd be paying them to make our computers work in the first place. Besides, you don't ever need to do anything sophisticated anyway. If you do, see Figure 1. * Integrated Voice and Data What the hell is integrated voice and data? All it means is that you can talk on the phone while you are typing on your terminal. So what if the terminal and the phone aren't integrated; that's not what we advertise. Besides, you probably can't even walk and chew gum at the same time, much less talk and type. If you can, see Figure 1. * Unix We invented it; it's perfect, and we're the only ones who do it right. We're so happy with it, we put it on every kind of computer we make. We even try to keep it the same from release to release, but usually we blow it. If you want a computer with stable file- systems, get a VAX. Another thing: those nerds from Berkeley are just troublemaking hackers who have a productivity complex. They took our operating system and made it useful, so we told them to see Figure 1. * Applications Software We give you MS-word; what else do you want? So what if it is a clumsy port from another operating system, it works doesn't it? Well, OK, it sort of works. If you want applications software, get an IBM PC. You can get lots of it and they even support it sometimes. If you already bought one of our computers and are unsatisfied, you're stuck with it. We spoke with our applications software people about this, and they think a lot like we do; they said "see Figure 1." * Shells We have two shells; one we sell and one we use. The Bourne shell is plenty good for trivial little hacks, which is all you do anyway. Don't ask for the Korn shell either. It's great, everybody at AT&T has a copy, but we won't give it to you. Besides, if you want to do anything important, write it in C. We told our shell programmers to see Figure 1 a long time ago. * The C Programming Language We like it so much we named a book after it. You can do anything our machines can do, which is not very much. Where else can you put so much unreadable code in such a small space? Besides, you probably should be programming in the shell anyway; C is too hard for you. We told our C programmers to see Figure 1 a long time ago anyway. * Floating Point Hardware We have the WE32106 Math Accelerator Unit, one of the fastest chips around. It's so special that you need a special compiler to use it. Nobody knows how to get you a copy of the compiler? That's right. We don't release it because we are writing another one. When it's ready, we might give it to you, but probably not. In the meantime, you have to stick with the interpreter, live with the slowness, and see Figure 1. * Support We have thousands of service people out there, but most of them are busy. If your computer breaks, you will just have to wait. Our techs are rehashed phone installers, so don't expect them to be very helpful unless it involves tip and ring. Oh, if something breaks between 5:00 PM and 9:00 the next morning, don't waste your time calling us, we're out. We also take lots of lunch breaks. If you need real support, see Figure 1. In conclusion, stuff your complaint. Love your AT&T computer or leave it, but don't bitch to us. We don't give a shit. We don't have to. We're the phone company. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- *************** AND, OF COURSE, THE UBIQUITOUS M00SE LIST UPDATE ************** ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Add: Wesleyan thr0ng LBURKA @ WESLEYAN Leather Goddess Change: North Dakota State U. chapter UD140680 @ NDSUVM1 Nathan Irwin to: The Anachronist The Penn State chapter is now a thr0ng! And until further notice, Guardian_A is reachable through GypsyLynx's account.

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