ISSUE 2 January 1990

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+----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ | ISSUE 2 January 1990 | | | | | | MMMMMMMMMM 00000000 00000000 SSSSSSS EEEEEEEE | | M MM M 0 // 0 0 // 0 S E | | M MM M 0 // 0 0 // 0 SSSSSSS EEEE | | M MM M 0 // 0 0 // 0 S E | | M MM M 00000000 00000000 SSSSSSSS EEEEEEEE | | | | DDDDDDDD RRRRRRR 00000000 00000000 L | | D D R R 0 // 0 0 // 0 L | | D D RRRRRRR 0 // 0 0 // 0 L | | D D R R 0 // 0 0 // 0 L | | DDDDDDDDDD R R 00000000 00000000 LLLLLLLL | | | | | | | | To boldly dr00l where no m00se has dr00led before. | +----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ We casually bring to you yet another issue to ring in the "Decade of Dr00l." -Mike Oose ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ M00SE DR00L STAFF Michael Oose (moose@drunivac.bitnet) Editor in Chief Subscriptions Manny Oose (nclarke@drunivac.bitnet) Michele Oose (slewis@drunivac.bitnet) Assistant Editors Paul Latypus (badair@drunivac.bitnet) Martin Oose (pcoen@drunivac.bitnet) Michaela Oose (jrutberg@drew.bitnet) Guest Columnists Think you're weird? Think you can write stories that m00ses can relate to? Contact Mike Oose. He might have an assignment for YOU! Coming Soon! An editorial section. Yes, keep those comments coming. If we like it, we'll print it with running commentary from the Dr00l Staff! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ HOW TO MAKE MOOSE CALLS It's easier than you think! (by Michele and Michaela Oose) I. Introduction: Does a moose care what it sounds like? Think about it. Does a moose think of what he is going to sound like before he says anything? No. And neither should you when it comes to imitating a moose. To become adept at this surprisingly simple task, follow these few simple directions. II. Step two: The Attitude First, you must think like a moose. Close your eyes and think mooselike thoughts. What would you think if you were a moose? Picture yourself with antlers. Do not actually put a pair of antlers on your head to see what it would feel like. This will do nothing for your concentration and will get you many strange looks. Your family probably worries about you too much as it is. III. The actual trial: Is it live, or is it Memorex? Concentrate. Picture in your mind what a moose call would sound like, and let it out of your system. THINK like the moose. SPEAK like the moose. BECOME ONE with the moose. Remember, not many people living today would recognize an actual moose call if they heard one. They will never know the difference. IV. Practice As with any other activity, practice makes perfect. This applies also to the art of moose calling. If you are uncomfortable about showing your newly acquired skill in large groups of company, practice in the privacy of your own home or in an isolated area. Be warned, though, about making moose calls out in the wilderness. The actual creatures may be offended. Good luck. And may the Moose be with you. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ (Due to popular demand, we bring to you the third chapter in this intriguing saga of Travis and Phyllis.) Travis and Phyllis, the Trashy Story by Michael Oose Travis and Phyllis found themselves in the airport lobby after having been escorted off the plane from Tahiti, with a warning to control themselves better next time. Travis whispered huskily in Phyllis' ear, "Around you I could never control myself." All of a sudden, Phyllis remembered that she had left her passport in her luggage and so couldn't go through Customs. "Oh, Travis," she breathed, "we'll just have to go back." While their escort was ogling a stewardess, the two lovers ducked out of the terminal. While they thought no one was looking, they leapt onto the luggage bus that was just departing from their plane. Sifting through the luggage, they found Phyllis' matched hot pink set. Opening the largest suitcase, Travis spied a piece of lingerie. "Oh, Phyllis, remember when you wore this?" Their eyes locked, their passion inflamed. "Oh, Travis, I think we're going to disobey the airline officials." she sighed. They were too involved in their renewed discovery of one another that they didn't notice that the bus had ground to a halt. Two gorilla-like beings started to throw luggage onto the conveyor belt, and all unknowingly tossed the entwined lovers on with the rest of the baggage. Phyllis landed first with a >whump<, cushioning Travis' fall. The conveyor belt, groaning with the strain, brought them up and into the main terminal of the airport. While some passersby gawked, a polite man named Cullen graciously removed his jacket and placed it over their sweaty, heaving bodies. They paid no notice, however, and continued... ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Horrorscopes for the month of January, 1990 in the year of our Moose. (by Manny and Michele Oose) Aries, the twisted antlered moose : Expect nothing special. The twisted antlers of Aries are especially warped this time of year. We recommend that you hibernate through this month. You won't miss anything. Taurus, the bull-headed moose : Stop being so damn stubborn. You won't get your way unless you take to blackmail. Be wary of men with funny looking caps. Gemini, the twin mooses : Taking part in a doublemint gum commercial could be a bad career move. It will alert hunters to your location. You will also discover that you have a long lost brother who is into disco and gold chains. Cancer, the smoking moose : You are going to get very sick. Other mooses will not invite you to their parties because of a dark cloud that surrounds your head. Floss your antlers. Leo, the roaring moose : Sit down and listen for a change. This might be a good time to lay low and avoid large trucks. Take this time for a vacation in Hawaii, or get your antlers trimmed. Virgo, the you-know moose : Wipe that smirk off your face. Kiss a frog and your outlook on life just might change. Look to the stars for a visitor from out of town. Don't let them stay more than a week. Libra, the well-balanced moose : You are about to take a long trip. The people there will speak funny, and it will be cold. In the end you will enjoy it, but bring your antlers as carry-on luggage, or you could be in for a big surprise. Scorpio, the poisonous moose : This is a good month to go food shopping. You must remember, however, that the shopping cart is not a pull toy. You will find a long lost relative in the frozen foods section. Aquarius, the drooling moose : If you don't get help for this quite disgusting habit of yours, you could be in for some real embarrassment. Remember, the first step is to admit that you have a problem. Clean up your act. Capricorn, the moose of the month : This is your time, dahling. Open your eyes to the beauty of the world, and be happy. Become one with your Mooseness. You will finally catch a truck this month. Pisces, the fishy moose : Something smells bad, and it's probably the Chinese food. Also, be careful what you step in. Your friends will be shocked if you serve the chocolate moose at your next party. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Obituaries (by Manny Oose) DATELINE: DREW UNIVERSITY OCTOBER 25, 1989 A terrible accident has occurred here at Drew University that has authorities completely baffled. It seems that the local VAX Zoo Keeper was the victim of a cruel and merciless attack by what appears to be the kindly and innocent looking animals kept here in the zoo. "There are slide trails all the way back to the platypus pool, and a wombat hole only feet away from the crime," says Drew Security officer Dun Kin. "He was badly gored by the antlers of a large animal," he continues, "and we strongly believe that the moose was involved, however, we have been unable to get into the Harappa Pen to question the suspect." When we approached one of the animals for comment, he quickly retorted, "I'm glad he's dead. He kept making us get back in the cages. He used to torment that poor moose to no end as well." With that, he turned and fled into the night, in what appears to be a free night on the town for these creatures. Authorities are unwilling to make comment on whether or not the bizarre death of the zoo keeper, and a recent cactus suicide are related, but you can bet that I, the roving reporter, shall keep you informed of further developments in this case. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Moose Tipping (by Manny and Martin Oose) My fellow m00ses... I am here today to talk to you about a vile and terrible practice known as "moose-tipping." I don't know about you, but it bothers me that I can't get a good nights sleep with all those college students sneaking up and pushing me over as I rest. If that's not bad enough, my antlers get stuck in the mud, and when the mud freezes... brrrrrr... I'm sure I don't have to tell you about antler frost. What are we to do about this? Let's, for discussion's sake, create a hypothetical activity to perform on sleeping humans. The human (say, her name is Diana) is sound asleep, totally oblivious to the world. Mind you--this is rest sleep. We are making no claims as to her normal state. Our intrepid band of m00ses creeps into her room, carefully avoiding the waking of her roommate. They surround her bed and stare at her for a few minutes, just to see if Diana will wake up and notice. Then, slowly, they start to exhale on her. Clouds of noxious (to a human) m00se breath float around her head. This still is not enough to rouse the slumbering college student; step three must go forward. The m00ses start to drool on her pillow. This will almost always cause any human to wake up screaming--or at least give them the oddest dreams. Should this fail as well, the m00se band could resort to such tactics as stomping around the room and over the bed. However, it works and Diana awakes with a scream of terror. The m00ses immediately run out of the room and the building. The next morning, the now hopelessly neurotic Diana is sent home to the care of her parents. It will be some years before she is able to sleep soundly again. If we were to do this to humans, they would be outraged. Why should they treat us in ways that they do not wish to be treated? I say that all m00ses, from this time forward, should wake a human whenever possible, until such a day as they discontinue the practice of moose-tipping. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Assorted Moose Curses (from the mouth of Michael Oose) "May your antlers droop." Believed to have originated somewhere in Southern California, this curse echoes the sentiments of the age-old adage of "like totally droopy dude." "May you fall in love with a cow." This actually occurred. The poor moose in question was subject to media abuse for months and never survived the embarrassment. His family reportedly threw themselves in front of a large truck. "May your cacti turn brown and mushy." No one is quite sure what this has to do with mooses, but apparently an innocent cactus named Spike died in this horrible fashion. "Your mother wears moose slippers." Take a trip to the mall. You figure it out. "May you be stuffed." This does not mean to be like a Gund. Gunds are cute. This means to have your head mounted on a plaque in some idiot's den. "Bl00p You!" [censored] ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ How to avoid being shot during Moose season (by Manny Oose) 1. Don't hide behind trees. Contrary to popular belief, the average hunter will not believe that your antlers are branches. 2. Don't hang out under street lamps. It might look impressive to the ladies, but when you have a few holes in your gut they'll want nothing to do with you. 3. If you are being stalked, hide in a toy store. Don't look too stupid or they'll think you're still alive. If they squeeze your belly, make a sick moo noise. It might be embarrassing, but it's better than ending up hanging on a wall looking down at some idiot with a pipe and slippers. 4. Don't chase cars. They _will_ notice you. 5. Carry a bigger gun. 5.1. Shoot first. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ And so ends another proud episode of Dr00ling adventure. Tune in next month when Mike says... "Holy drool, Mooseman. How did that Moose get up in the tree?" Same moose time. Same moose channel. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------

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