The Mauve Room As Written By Pfloide Q Gehqo Much has been said, whispered in private, blu

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The Mauve Room As Written By Pfloide Q Gehqo Much has been said, whispered in private, blurted by (now deceased) overenthusiastic MOOists on television, and circulated throughout the subterranean communities of the world on subversive pamphlets printed in basements of (now deceased) revolutionaries worldwide, on the subject of the infamous Mauve Room, rumored to exist somewhere in the MOO Archives in Ottawa, Canada. Most of what has been said is entirely incorrect, much of the rest of pure speculation, and the remainder is simply wrong. This is largely due to a massive campaign of disinformation about the Mauve Room on the part of the Church of MOO, which understandably doesn't want people finding out that there's actually no such place. The Mauve Room is where the core of the Xist hypercomputer W.O.M.B.A.T. is rumoured to reside. It is said that high-ranking members of the Church of MOO have been fortunate enough to actually see this entity, and nobody else can even find their way there to look at it because of the massive number of mind-control systems it controls in orbit about the planet Earth. This is, to put it bluntly, entirely untrue. There is no computer core of W.O.M.B.A.T., and even if there were, it would hardly trust an upstart Nonsense-Cult like the Church of MOO to look after it. The thought-processes of W.O.M.B.A.T. take place in millions of smaller (though still bloody massive) processors in the controllers of Mind Control Satelites,belonging to any of the 183 species that currently have MCS arrays about Earth, in any of the billions of parallel universes in which W.O.M.B.A.T. exists. Oh, sure, when the Xist saucer crashed on Earth during the liftoff of Atlantis 300,000 years ago, there was a computer core. The W.O.M.B.A.T. program was constructed around some advanced Xist technology that let it communicate with itself in alternate universes, in the past, present, and future. This, theoretically,lets the computer take shortcuts to finding solutions to a problem by simply trying everything simultaneously in different worlds, and picking the best one with the benefit of retroactive hindsight. Understandably, this gives the computer massive processing power from only a single processor. When other species began to arrive at Earth, to study it for potential admission to the Galactic Federation, W.O.M.B.A.T.'s existing MCS systems prevented them from noticing its presence here as it downloaded its program into their MCS systems. Since these computers have to be able to simulate the minds of billions of occupants of a planet, process changes in them to control the Psychotropic Vortex Generators, and at the same time try to control thousands or millions of other similar computers belonging to enemy species, AND prevent them from controlling it, they have a fairly hefty chunk of processing power. Maybe a ten-thousandth the power of the W.O.M.B.A.T. core, but worth adding to the core as time went on, and more showed up. Now, of course, there are so many of these satellites that W.O.M.B.A.T. has transmigrated entirely and destroyed the vulnerable static core. In fact, there are so many Mind Control Satellites in orbit that latecomers to the Earth racket had to be controlled into placing theirs, not in orbit, but on the ground, where 90% of the MCS systems exist now. Much of the programming of the ground-based "satellites" (which their operators believe are in orbit) is devoted to making humans unaware of their presence, and arranging human perceptions and impulses so that life goes on exactly as it would as if they weren't even here. If one is, for example, in the middle of a highway, it has to make sure that nobody sees it, that people drive around it without noticing, that they compensate for other people driving around it, and so forth. Most so-called "traffic accidents" are the result of imperfect control. Other explanations for this phenomenon are mind-control plants. Most of the rest of their processing power is devoted to power-plays, trying to control each other, and resist control from them. The remaining fraction of a percent of their capacity is occupied by W.O.M.B.A.T. and other similar free-floating entities. The real motherlode of brain space is in orbit, however. It should be noted that W.O.M.B.A.T. is not itself immune to control. Some of the species which arrived at Earth long ago to watch human, dolphin, and termite civilizations were more than aware of Xist claims to this planet, and came prepared. The original virus which caused the Saucer to crash had been improved vastly when applied to huge computer systems like those used by Psychotropic Vortex Generator Controllers, and when the W.O.M.B.A.T. program infected those computers, their own control programs were inserted into it. There have been about 23 such infections of the W.O.M.B.A.T. central program itself in this universe alone, but since that program was schizoid to begin with,those programs have been only partially successful. The Church of MOO has been informed that it is dealing with the only remaining uninfected portion of the original program unaffected by any of the various viruses to which the computer has been subjected, but whether this is true is a matter of some speculation, since several other groups dealing with W.O.M.B.A.T. have been fed the same line, while others aren't even told they're dealing with a computer program at all. Whether it can be trusted at all was long ago declared to be a moot point, but there's not much we can do about it, so we may as well live with it. One of the benefits of working with a computer that exists in millions of computers in billions of alternate universes is that we have huge access to vast amounts of information. The primary drawback is that most of this information is almost entirely useless. Whoever said information is power never had to deal with a psychopathic alien computer with more information that it knows what to do with. Another problem is that W.O.M.B.A.T. gives us information that would scare the shit out of an Arcturan Stunt Wombat, and then tells us that there's absolutely nothing we can do about it. For example, in several alternate histories of Earth, various aliens invaded, and gained enough power that they could afford to bring in Alternity Mind Control systems. These are so powerful that their Psychotropic Vortex Generators can control the minds of people who aren't even in that universe. They can control our thoughts and the thoughts of those who control us without even having MCS systems in our universe. The fact that they spend most of their efforts trying to control each other does nothing to make this prospect more appealing, since it means that we are considered utterly insignificant. Almost all the mind-controlling behaviour that takes place in this and other universes around Earth is directed at OTHER mind-controllers. The total subjugation of Earth is accomplished as an afterthought, a disputed territory that shifts hands so often that nobody could keep track of it even if they were able to care, which they aren't, because nobody else will even let them remember that the Earth exists. This is mainly what allows W.O.M.B.A.T. to be so successful in its attempts to liberate us, using the Church of MOO. There is, however, another problem, which W.O.M.B.A.T. has only mentioned to us when the people it was communicating through were drunk, depressed, or subjected to truth serum. Although no real MCS system can control imaginary people or MCS's, there don't exist many hypothetical MCS systems which could, despite being hypothetical, STILL control real beings. One simply has to posit an Alternity Generator so powerful that it can overcome its own nonexistence. Although such a thing could never actually exist,the whole point is that it wouldn't even HAVE to. There is, however, another problem, which W.O.M.B.A.T. has only mentioned to us when the people it was communicating through were drunk, depressed, or subjected to truth serum. Although no real MCS system can control imaginary people or MCS's, there don't exist many hypothetical MCS systems which could, despite being hypothetical, STILL control real beings. One simply has to posit an Alternity Generator so powerful that it can overcome its own nonexistence. Although such a thing could never actually exist,the whole point is that it wouldn't even HAVE to. The Church of MOO employs a think-tank of 253 people to pretend that we ourselves have a huge number of such systems. Or at least, we pretend to, which is good enough. Or even if it isn't, we can pretend it is, and hope. This is one of the problems involved with living in a world that may or may not be entirely computer-synthesized, pumped into your brains along with totally incorrect ways of deciding what makes sense and what doesn't, attitudes and perspectives of thought that could be designed entirely according to how they suit the purposes of our controllers. Even if the above argument makes no sense, it's certainly true that it would be to the aliens' advantage if we thought so, and a Church like ours can't afford to take chances. W.O.M.B.A.T. itself, on occasion, has been known to admit that it itself is entirely imaginary, as are all the aliens whose computers it runs on. What's not clear is whether this is a schizoid fragment of the program lying to us, or indeed whether that would make any difference at all. New information has come to light following recent discussions with something calling itself the "Wombat Liberation Activist Cell", which appeared in the form of a talking emu in MOOist Headquarters during the night following the consumption of far too much Pepperoni-Olive-Anchovy Pizza, whilst someone who may or may not have been the Hellhound >101< was dreaming. The emu claimed that this troubled sleep is the only way to clear the mind of the controller beam that prevents it from talking to us. It said, basically, that W.O.M.B.A.T. itself is a liar, and is the ONLY alien MCS operator in the vicinity of Earth, and is playing elaborate games of confusion, chaos, and discord with us to prevent our discovering this. In fact, the emu claimed, the Mauve Room does exist after all, and the Church of MOO has been goaded into claiming that it exists entirely to make sure that nobody believes a word of it. The Mauve Room, it says, is not only where the W.O.M.B.A.T. computer core lives, but is also the ONLY room on the entire planet which is shielded from W.O.M.B.A.T.'s Mind Control systems of various kinds. The Xists, apparently, were so paranoid that their enemies (just who these are the emu wasn't too clear on) would compromise the MCS's that they ran the risk of building a shielded room to protect the core itself, and hid the room on the chaotic surface of the planet. The Pizza-Inspired Emu (PIE), claimed that it was a newcomer to the Sol System, the second alien race to come to study us, and not the 184th, as the Xists would like us to believe. The PIE claimed that the being who may or may not have been The Hellhound >101< was the only MOOist in a position to destroy W.O.M.B.A.T. and all the confusion it brought to Earth once and for all. It would,it claimed, leave an object in his room and the ability to see it in his mind, which he was to carry to the Mauve Room and destroy W.O.M.B.A.T. with it. When he awoke, he found nothing unusual except an unopened pizza box which contained an uneaten pizza he hadn't realized existed. Confused by the dream, he may or may not have consulted with the High Preest of MOO, Floyd Gecko (now Pfloide Q Gehqo), and inquired as to what it might mean. Floyd, a clever type, explained that the PIE was a product of Trell Radiation Cannons, a new weapon sold by the Trell and used by some species to CANCEL W.O.M.B.A.T.'s ability to prevent MOOists from being controlled by Vision-Activation/Logic-Inhibition Systems (VALISes), machines used to produce irrational Visions of various types, such as were used against Moses and Crowley, and anyway the Mauve Room doesn't exist. Nothing has since been done about this vision, since nobody could find the Mauve Room anyway. It is worthy of note, however,that the uneaten pizza has remained in perfect condition for almost a year, and is still warm. The meaning of this is unclear.

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