1] Never admit you have no idea what
you're talking about.
2] Never have a good word to say about
anyone else but yourself.
3] Join every group that will let you
join. After a few weeks have passed,
quit & claim they aren't good enough
to merit your prescence.
4] Always shift the blame to someone
else. "It's not my fault" should
become 2nd nature to you.
5] Always have nasty things to say
about your so called friends behind
6] Hate as many people as possible.
7] Start as many rag wars as humanly
possible. When your up against
intelligent people (As on Adventurers
Tavern, 1982-1986. RIP), and losing
your end of the war. Say "This is
stupid and childish, even if I did
start it", and stop posting.
8] When someone becomes pushy and openly
challenges your lack of knowledge
about something. Say "I know the
answer, but you're not elite enough,
so I can't tell you".
9] If anyone still dares to question you
then threaten them with tough things
like getting someone to turn their
phones off, or charge 10 billion
toilets on their mothers credit card.
(It doesn't matter whether or not you
actually know how to do this, or know
anyone else who will do it for you.
This is a favorite tactic of ELITE!@
phreak groups like L0D!!@#1!.) If all
else fails began chanting "Cable
throw, Cable throw, Cable throw" or
if you are a pirate: make a fright-
ening rag page on them in your next
[Warning: Be sure to only use this on a
fellow ELITE!@#1! phreak, pirate or
equivalent ignorant person. Anyone else
will laugh at you & tell you to fuck
off. Only adding to the questioning
of your massive eliteness.]
10] Make as big a fool of yourself as
is possible. Display your ignorance
and stupidity in a manner that will
make itself noticible to the modem
community at large. If you are a
aspiring elite pirate, get your
name on as many copya cracks as
fast as possible. Or if you are a
up and coming elite phreak, start
up your own little world (or join
someone else who has already done
this, such as LOD), refuse to see
anyones viewpoint but your own, &
declare yourselves mega-elite.
Remember: When in doubt, repeat to
yourself the sacred chant: "I am elite,
I can't be wrong, I am elite, I am
always right and know everything",
repeat until your confidense is restored
(Humming, or accompanyment by a choir,
Also be certain to rag on anyone who
displays any kind of knowledge about
anything, and is not currently ELITE!@#
If he's not elite, he can't be right.
After all, everyone in the universe
cares about the "elite hierarchy!", its
what makes the world go around!@#21!!!!
- 4 yr. old boy is the anti-christ.
- Robert Woodhead (Co-Author of Wizardry
for the Apple) suggests that all
pirates be flogged to death, and
recommends that their parents use
birth control next time.
- Aliens from the planet z0d abduct
Mrs. Glop, force her to participate
in a heated 56 way orgy, then dump
her into her backyard.
- King Blotto talks to newsweek for
the 93rd time in 2 weeks. Ms. Blarf
the secretary finally tells him the
shattering truth that they don't
care anymore. Blotto is now sending
his up to the minute exposes' to
Young Miss magazine & Bingo news
around the world.
- 19 yr. old boy goes on a spree and
kills 98. When questioned by auth-
orities, his response: "I was bored"
- Lord Digital & Mr. Xerox buy an
island in the carribean and found
a new religion, with themselves
declared as the gods. Prospective
initiates must prove their worth
by boot tracing a protected copy
of 1 of the Phantom Access disks,
while making AUM sounds & signing
away all their wordly wealth.
- Water is a deadly toxin. Report on
- Group of NJ wiz kids use mental
telepathy and a micromodem to re-
arrange the orbit of US. Satelites.
"I've never seen nothin' like it"
declares computer authority, Sheriff
Ima Fool. The U.S.S.R. expresses
interest in hiring the offenders.
- Is your dog really an alien from
outer space? take the quiz on page
437 and find out.
- Conference on piracy and it's effects
on computer companies. Part 11932 of
an ongoing tirade of threats, suggest
ions, counter-threats, and all around
stupidity. [Sorry this story has been
cancelled since our ex-reporter fell
asleep during the opening comments.]
- Are YOU really an alien from outer
space? take the quiz on page 438 and
$ Betty Crocker Home Cooking Book 1 $
$$$$$$=> Typed By Lex Luthor <=$$$$$$
$=> Copied From BC Home Cooking 1 <=$
$$$$$$$$$$=> Uploaded by <=$$$$$$$$$$
$$$$$$$$$$=> Lex Luthor! <=$$$$$$$$$$
$$$$$=> & The Legion of Doom! <=$$$$$
- Buy land on Alpha Centuri. Avoid the
rush on this soon to be, prime real
estate. Details on page 230.
All this and much much more! only in:
[ELITE NEWS WEEKLY!]
"I can't be wrong... I'm elite!"
We gratefully acknowledge all mentioned
parties, for being the way they are. &
express our most sincere apologies to
Young Miss (TM) magazine, for having
the audacity to suggest they would
stoop so low, as to printing commentary
from King Blotoe.