- Following message extracted from HOLYSMOKE @ 1:374/14 - By Christopher Baker on Tue Jul

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--- Following message extracted from HOLYSMOKE @ 1:374/14 --- By Christopher Baker on Tue Jul 18 14:56:54 1995 From: Robert Jackson To: ALL Date: 17 Jul 95 21:40:01 Subj: Wanna be a GOD, babe? (SPECIAL OFFER BY FUHCU!--Order Now!) ************************************************************** S P E C I A L O F F E R BY F.U.H.C.U. !! ************************************************************** Hello, you disenfranchised folks out there in echoland! Tired of not getting the proper respect you only dreamed of deserving? Do you not even deserve any respect at all? Are you small, petty, jealous, mean, spiteful, capricious? Or are you a basically decent person? No matter... YOU...*regardless* of personality, integrity, or intelligence can be _THE ONE TRUE GOD_ due to a special one-time offer by FUHCU (the Fed-Up to Here Corporation, Unltd.). Do you look upon members of the clergy with envy because of the loftiness their calling bestows upon them? You can have these people WORK FOR YOU! Do your bidding! Lie prostrate to you! Raise money for you and slaughter millions of innocent people in your name! [*] This special service offered by FUHCU is based on the amazing technology called Circular Reasoning which hermetically seals in evidence of one's divinity in a handy, self-contained, self-referential, easily portable (or suitable for framing) TEXT which is *cordless* as well. No need to plug it in to any outside source for complete operability! Your _Document of Godhood_ is lovingly crafted by a divinely in- spired scribe, complete with a limited (though extensive) library of obscurantist iconography and fonts to personalize your One True Godness from all other False Gods , then carefully shipped to you via netmail in .JPG format (or .GIF, though costs and curses by sysops increase) For an extra bonus to the first ten who apply, a *special clause* will be added to denounce all other One True Gods and mere demigods or members of panthea as Satan or a Dark Dualist Half of your choice...absolutely FREE OF CHARGE! This Document will establish that you, the One True God, have inspired the document which loudly, joyously proclaims that you are indeed the One True God . No need to muck around with mere demigod status, or content to be simply "a god"--you're Number One--not just The Big Kahuna, but the one who the Kahuna answers to! King of Kings! God of All Gods! Judge, Jury, Executioner! **************************************************************** [*] NOT VOID WHERE PROHIBITED: This Document entitles you to all perks and privileges of being the One True God on Earth as it is in Heaven, but a gentle disclaimer must ac- company this advertisement which warns that: 1) certain heathen nations who govern themselves according to the doctrine Separation of Church and State may hold you personally liable for any genocides, murders, or les- ser felonies and misdemeanors perpetrated by either you or an adherent to your faith who commits a crime in your name or according to you, God, speaking to them. 2) other heathen nations who have foolishly cast their lot with theocracies established on impostor gods may attempt to justify trying you on grounds established within the bounds of their false religion. (Sorry Gods-to-be, but this document only establishes you're God--you and your followers will have to fight it out in the trenches with the heathen believers to convince them of their folly.) **************************************************************** To take advantage of this WONDERFUL OFFER, simply fill out the form in the next post and send it via netmail to Robert Jackson at (1:390/87). You will receive a UUencoded .JPG file in return which will confer instant One True Godhood immediately upon UUdecoding and saving to your hard disk. You may print out copies of your Document for distribution to potential believers, but any subsequent alteration of the Document may hamper efforts to be perceived as infallible by skeptics and religion debunkers. **************************************************************** Brought to you by FUHCU: "Hostile Takeovers and LBOs of All the World's Major Religions by the Year 2020!!" --- Following message extracted from HOLYSMOKE @ 1:374/14 --- By Christopher Baker on Tue Jul 18 14:57:04 1995 From: Robert Jackson To: ALL Date: 17 Jul 95 21:51:04 Subj: One True God Application Form *********************************************************** @ APPLICATION FORM @ Must be filled out correctly and accurately for proper results. Send application via netmail to Robert Jackson (1:390/87). [ ] YES, I would like to become the ONE TRUE GOD . [ ] NO, but I would like to establish a friend, acquaintance, or godfigure of my own design as the One True God (for the first ten applicants) [ ] Please add a Holy Writ which establishes other false gods as Satan or Evil One of my naming (further info below). ************************************************************ Answer each question briefly and as accurately as possible so that we may design the document establishing your divinity in regards to the dictates of your Divine Inspiration. 1. Would you like the Basic Option Holy Text (no ups, no extras, just the basic facts) or do your aims as the One True God require a certain degree of hoariness to attract believers? Yes___ No___ 2. If you wish the Deluxe Insta-Hoar Process write a simple but succinct description of any esoteric symbology, iconography, foreign alphabet, illustrations, or elaborate fonts you wish included. Our inspired prophets and scribes will attempt to interpret your Divine Word to the best of their human abilities. 3. (for the first 10 applicants) List below any gods, demons, or people you wish to claim as Satan, Agents of Satan, or False Prophets. If you have more than three (3) Dark Foes you wish to claim, you must instead use a vague clause condemning a Satanic archetype, who is legion. Specify the general terms of your archetypical enemy below: a. b. c. Thou shalt know my enemy by this sign: ************************************************************* For reasons of efficient packaging and shipping, the UUencoded document will come compressed in .JPG format as a standard. If you lack a jpeg viewer, these alternate formats can be used, though the actual graphic will be smaller in order to save bandwidth: [ ].GIF [ ].BMP [ ].TIF [ ].PCX ************************************************************** * F U H C U * "Hostile Takeovers and Leveraged Buyouts of All the World's Major Religions by the Year 2020! Perfect Vision At Last!!" * Origin: Orion's Sword - Bush, LA - (504) 867-9701 - V.* (1:390/87)

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