Subject: How It (Religion) All Started! Hi All! I have been reading this group for a while

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From: SYST8103@Ryerson.Ca (Ron Wigmore) Newsgroups: alt.atheism Subject: How It (Religion) All Started! Message-ID: <90211.133910SYST8103@Ryerson.Ca> Hi All! I have been reading this group for a while and feel I should contribute something. So, I have written a little parady for you. Atheists have Evolution and theists have their religion, so I hope you like it! (especially my sig!) |*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*|*| Why Things Are The Way They Are (For Now): In The Beginning (plagiarizism?) there were a bunch of little creatures about 3 feet tall. They were insectivores who spent the day chasing after 'four legged' Grasshoppers. One day the Grasshoppers became 'enlightened'. And they said to the three foot tall insectivores: "Chase aftereth the cows - if you doeth so, you will grow up to be talleth and strongeth". The three foot tall insectivores listened to the 'four legged' Grasshoppers and did in fact groweth up to be talleth and strongeth. Whileeth their new food source was making them taller and stronger it enabled them to avoideth many of the dangers the smaller critters would succumbeth to (namely, being used as food by the larger critters). Thus: "The oneeth who possesseth strengtheth surviveeth more easily" Thuseth, they needeth not spend all of their day lookingeth over their shoulder to see if they were about to become some critters luncheth. Henceeth they had FREE TIME to - for the first time evereth - to begin contemplating their existence. Henceeth: "FREE TIME giveeth one opportunity to contemplateeth survival tactics" (Also Known as) "If a critter seeketh you as its lunch, makeeth sure it EARNs that lunch" Sooneth they noticed the many advantages the many different critters had by staying in groups. The now tallereth 'four footeth creatures' noticeeth the difficulty in obtaining luncheth from a herd. Thuseth their now blossoming intelligence concludedeth: "Unitedeth I Surviveeth - Dividedeth I Become a Critter's Luncheth" With this new wisdometh the now five footeth creatures began living in largereth and largereth groups. Sooneth the number of critters availableeth for luncheth became fewereth and fewereth in numbers. The five footeth creatures thuseth concludedeth: "Always moveeth to where luncheth is readily availableeth" Sooneth the creatures grew wearyeth of alwayseth running to whereeth the luncheth was. Thuseth they concludedeth: "It is wisereth to move luncheth to us instead of growing wearyeth alwayseth chasing aftereth luncheth" And so it beganeth. Instead of killing all of the critters and using them for luncheth, they only captured them. They would locketh them up and only killeth the older ones. The younger ones would be made to have babies. Thuseth luncheth would always be readily nearbyeth. "Use of one's braineth makes life easiereth" The creatures thuseth enjoyed an unprecedented period of Utopian life. They had oodles and oodles of FREE TIME to think about all that there was about them. As a resulteth, very sooneth, their FREE TIME - that which they were so mucheth enjoying - would causeeth them all manner of sorrow: "How is iteth that that which provided sucheth joyeth could also takeeth it awayeth" The elders pondered this very question whileest all of that which they had enjoyed crumbled around them. The younger ones kept turning to the elders saying, over and over again: "Whyeth, Whyeth, Whyeth, Whyeth, Whyeth, Whyeth, Whyeth, ....." Soon, a thought occurred to the wisest of the elders. The thought was simply that the younger ones hungered for a reason why what was Utopia was no longer Utopia. The wisest of the elders then noticed that She too hadeth, for a very long time, been asking that very same question. Wise as she was, she concludedeth that all people with FREE TIME will asketh themselves the following: "Where Am I Going - Where Did I Come From - How Long Have I Got" She soon evolved this thought into the realization that creatures with FREE TIME do not need an absolute answer to these questions. Rather, they only need AN ANSWER. Thuseth, the wisest of the elders drew the only possible (most sacred) conclusion: "Telleth people what they want to hear. Care not foreth the truth, for once people feal safeeth, theyeth will no longer feareth that which theyeth do noteth understand" Thus the most heinous of these creatures traits was created, namely: DECEPTION and MANIPULATION Sooneth, the other elders caught on to the advantages of the use of DECEPTION and MANIPULATION. They, too, begin to use it with wantless abandonment. Soon it evolved into a fine art, and that art acquired a name. The name was: "P O L I T I C S" Sooneth many of the elders learned of the powers over the masses the selective use of "P O L I T I C S" could bring them. Soon, very soon, they began to use "P O L I T I C S" to subdue the masses. It was working, too. Peace and tranquility were being restored. Joy and happiness were being restored in the hearts of the younger ones. Then, suddenly, deep, deep, sorrow stuck Utopia. The sorrow was caused by ILLNESS and FAMINE. The elders, even with their most skilled use of "P O L I T I C S" could not remove the sorrow from the hearts of the young ones as their babies and/or spouses died horribly from painfull deaths due to ILLNESS and FAMINE. The elders were at a total loss. The younger ones grew increasingly more and more resentful and hateful for the loss of what they new in their innocent hearts to be Utopia. Their resentment and hate, without any guidance from the elders, began to be directed towards the elders. The elders 'gulped'. They turned to the wisest of the wise and She said "Can't we discuss this tomorrow, if you knew what kind of a nightmare I had last night, you would not even think of talking to me for a week". Then it occurred to the wisest of the wise and in a thundering voice She said: "We are all being punished for the sins of the sinners" This caused total confusion amongst the wise elders since they did not understand what SIN was. The wisest elder then proceeded to explain to the other elders what SIN was. Each of the other elders scratched their heads pondering 'I didn't know there was anything wrong with doing "xxx" (no-pun intended)'. Thus the wisest of the wise had created the ultimate form of control of the masses. This method of control would soon become known as: "R E L I G I O N" The other elders were completely perplexed (and shaking in their booties as they had bowel movements). They then ran out to confront the younger ones to tell them why such dastardly things were happening. Meanwhile, the wisest of the elders just stood there with a smirk on Her face. She know that She had just pulled off the greatest act of "P O L I T I C S" that had ever been attempted, ever. You see, She had created "R E L I G I O N", and in so doing, she had completely outfoxed the other elders. She now had total control over all of Utopia! Peace, joy, and happiness were once againeth being restored to Utopia. The other elders, and the younger ones, were constantly chasing aftereth the wisest of the wise. Fearfulleth of doing anything wrongeth, they would constantly ask Her "Is this okay?" and "Is that okay?". Thuseth, she had devised the most important aspect of "R E L I G I O N", namelyeth: M I N D C O N T R O L Soon the other elders, with all of their wisdom, sensed that what the wisest elder was saying could not be true. But as they watched howeth "R E L I G I O N" did so effectively control the younger ones, they were reminded of "DECEPTION" and "MANIPULATION" and of howeth "P O L I T I C S" could be used to controleth the masses. Many of the elders, seeing the POWER that the "M I N D C O N T R O L" aspect of "R E L I G I O N" gave the wisest elder, wanted 'a piece of the action'. A sacred manuscript was written, by the elders, giving the elders (who were IN on IT) great powers over the entirety of the masses. Many of the elders were not happy with the POWERs they had been given. They wanted MORE POWER and MORE CONTROL of the masses. But the wisest elder would not give up any of Her POWER. So a few of the other elders sat down and decided to write THEIR OWN sacred manuscript. With their sacred manuscript they wondered around denouncing the wisest elder's manuscript as being false - only the manuscript they were given, by the supreme being Herself - MUST be followed, otherwise ILLNESS and FAMINE would result. The younger ones were confused. Some believed the wisest elder, others believed the other elders. Soon both sides started calling the other side EVIL. So EVIL that they must be cast out, even killed, otherwise ILLNESS and FAMINE would result. Thuseth was started, the first of the: R E L I G I O U S W A R S Many of the masses died. Babies heads were smashed against rocks, women who were pregnent had their fetuses cut out from them, the frail were bludgeoned to death with rocks. Out of all the death, destruction, misery, anger, selfrightousness, and hatred sprang a few enlightened people. They looked into their hearts, and at all that was around them. They thought, and then they concluded: R E L I G I O N is B U L L F E C E S Thuseth, just as they all had once been, they were that once again, namely: A T H E I S T ' s Ron,,, (P.S. If you consider that in each valley in Europe, a Pagan religion started (the same way the wisest of the wise started one), and that the elders who 'wanted a piece of the action' are the Jewish, and then Christian, and then Moslem/(Islam?) religions, you get a good depiction of the history of Europe/North Africa). (P.P.S. It just occurred to me. 2,000 years ago, Grasshoppers DID have 4 legs. They have more now because of EVOLUTION. There you have it - Scientific Evolutionary proof of the validity of the christian bible - Circular Reasoning at its finest!!) (P.P.P.S. Use of She/Her as the 'wisest of the wise' is not meant to depict Women as being dispictable or anything, rather it is meant to 'compliment' Women as being able to be just as dastardly as their Male counterparts. Plus since, in this story, a Women thought up the whole thing, it implies that Women are MORE intelligent them Men so don't flame me for it! I was just trying to be a 'Nice Guy(tm)' (because I am)! _______________________________________________________________________________ |*| |*| |*| |*| |*| |*| |*| |*| |*| |*| |*| |*| |*| |*| |*| |*| |*| |*| |*| |*| Definition Of Demons: Atheists who have come back from the dead to haunt and torment FUNDIES!!!

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