From: SYST8103@Ryerson.Ca (Ron Wigmore)
Subject: How It (Religion) All Started!
I have been reading this group for a while and feel I should contribute
something. So, I have written a little parady for you. Atheists have
Evolution and theists have their religion, so I hope you like it!
(especially my sig!)
Why Things Are The Way They Are (For Now):
In The Beginning (plagiarizism?) there were a bunch of little creatures
about 3 feet tall. They were insectivores who spent the day chasing
after 'four legged' Grasshoppers. One day the Grasshoppers became
'enlightened'. And they said to the three foot tall insectivores:
"Chase aftereth the cows - if you doeth so, you will grow up to
be talleth and strongeth".
The three foot tall insectivores listened to the 'four legged'
Grasshoppers and did in fact groweth up to be talleth and strongeth.
Whileeth their new food source was making them taller and stronger it
enabled them to avoideth many of the dangers the smaller critters would
succumbeth to (namely, being used as food by the larger critters). Thus:
"The oneeth who possesseth strengtheth surviveeth more easily"
Thuseth, they needeth not spend all of their day lookingeth over their
shoulder to see if they were about to become some critters luncheth.
Henceeth they had FREE TIME to - for the first time evereth - to begin
contemplating their existence. Henceeth:
"FREE TIME giveeth one opportunity to contemplateeth survival tactics"
(Also Known as)
"If a critter seeketh you as its lunch, makeeth sure it EARNs that lunch"
Sooneth they noticed the many advantages the many different critters
had by staying in groups. The now tallereth 'four footeth creatures'
noticeeth the difficulty in obtaining luncheth from a herd. Thuseth
their now blossoming intelligence concludedeth:
"Unitedeth I Surviveeth - Dividedeth I Become a Critter's Luncheth"
With this new wisdometh the now five footeth creatures began living
in largereth and largereth groups. Sooneth the number of critters
availableeth for luncheth became fewereth and fewereth in numbers.
The five footeth creatures thuseth concludedeth:
"Always moveeth to where luncheth is readily availableeth"
Sooneth the creatures grew wearyeth of alwayseth running to whereeth
the luncheth was. Thuseth they concludedeth:
"It is wisereth to move luncheth to us instead of growing wearyeth
alwayseth chasing aftereth luncheth"
And so it beganeth. Instead of killing all of the critters and using
them for luncheth, they only captured them. They would locketh them
up and only killeth the older ones. The younger ones would be made
to have babies. Thuseth luncheth would always be readily nearbyeth.
"Use of one's braineth makes life easiereth"
The creatures thuseth enjoyed an unprecedented period of Utopian life.
They had oodles and oodles of FREE TIME to think about all that there
was about them. As a resulteth, very sooneth, their FREE TIME - that
which they were so mucheth enjoying - would causeeth them all manner
"How is iteth that that which provided sucheth joyeth could also
takeeth it awayeth"
The elders pondered this very question whileest all of that which they
had enjoyed crumbled around them. The younger ones kept turning to
the elders saying, over and over again:
"Whyeth, Whyeth, Whyeth, Whyeth, Whyeth, Whyeth, Whyeth, ....."
Soon, a thought occurred to the wisest of the elders. The thought was
simply that the younger ones hungered for a reason why what was Utopia
was no longer Utopia. The wisest of the elders then noticed that She
too hadeth, for a very long time, been asking that very same question.
Wise as she was, she concludedeth that all people with FREE TIME will
asketh themselves the following:
"Where Am I Going - Where Did I Come From - How Long Have I Got"
She soon evolved this thought into the realization that creatures with
FREE TIME do not need an absolute answer to these questions. Rather,
they only need AN ANSWER. Thuseth, the wisest of the elders drew the
only possible (most sacred) conclusion:
"Telleth people what they want to hear. Care not foreth the truth,
for once people feal safeeth, theyeth will no longer feareth that
which theyeth do noteth understand"
Thus the most heinous of these creatures traits was created, namely:
DECEPTION and MANIPULATION
Sooneth, the other elders caught on to the advantages of the use of
DECEPTION and MANIPULATION. They, too, begin to use it with wantless
abandonment. Soon it evolved into a fine art, and that art acquired a
name. The name was:
"P O L I T I C S"
Sooneth many of the elders learned of the powers over the masses the
selective use of "P O L I T I C S" could bring them. Soon, very soon,
they began to use "P O L I T I C S" to subdue the masses. It was
working, too. Peace and tranquility were being restored. Joy and
happiness were being restored in the hearts of the younger ones.
Then, suddenly, deep, deep, sorrow stuck Utopia. The sorrow was
caused by ILLNESS and FAMINE. The elders, even with their most skilled
use of "P O L I T I C S" could not remove the sorrow from the hearts
of the young ones as their babies and/or spouses died horribly from
painfull deaths due to ILLNESS and FAMINE.
The elders were at a total loss. The younger ones grew increasingly
more and more resentful and hateful for the loss of what they new
in their innocent hearts to be Utopia. Their resentment and hate,
without any guidance from the elders, began to be directed towards the
elders. The elders 'gulped'. They turned to the wisest of the wise
and She said "Can't we discuss this tomorrow, if you knew what kind of
a nightmare I had last night, you would not even think of talking to
me for a week".
Then it occurred to the wisest of the wise and in a thundering voice
"We are all being punished for the sins of the sinners"
This caused total confusion amongst the wise elders since they did not
understand what SIN was. The wisest elder then proceeded to explain
to the other elders what SIN was. Each of the other elders scratched
their heads pondering 'I didn't know there was anything wrong with
doing "xxx" (no-pun intended)'.
Thus the wisest of the wise had created the ultimate form of control
of the masses. This method of control would soon become known as:
"R E L I G I O N"
The other elders were completely perplexed (and shaking in their
booties as they had bowel movements). They then ran out to confront
the younger ones to tell them why such dastardly things were happening.
Meanwhile, the wisest of the elders just stood there with a smirk on
Her face. She know that She had just pulled off the greatest act of
"P O L I T I C S" that had ever been attempted, ever. You see, She had
created "R E L I G I O N", and in so doing, she had completely
outfoxed the other elders. She now had total control over all of Utopia!
Peace, joy, and happiness were once againeth being restored to Utopia.
The other elders, and the younger ones, were constantly chasing aftereth
the wisest of the wise. Fearfulleth of doing anything wrongeth, they
would constantly ask Her "Is this okay?" and "Is that okay?". Thuseth,
she had devised the most important aspect of "R E L I G I O N",
M I N D C O N T R O L
Soon the other elders, with all of their wisdom, sensed that what the
wisest elder was saying could not be true. But as they watched howeth
"R E L I G I O N" did so effectively control the younger ones,
they were reminded of "DECEPTION" and "MANIPULATION" and of howeth
"P O L I T I C S" could be used to controleth the masses.
Many of the elders, seeing the POWER that the "M I N D C O N T R O L"
aspect of "R E L I G I O N" gave the wisest elder, wanted 'a piece
of the action'. A sacred manuscript was written, by the elders, giving
the elders (who were IN on IT) great powers over the entirety of the
Many of the elders were not happy with the POWERs they had been given.
They wanted MORE POWER and MORE CONTROL of the masses. But the wisest
elder would not give up any of Her POWER. So a few of the other elders
sat down and decided to write THEIR OWN sacred manuscript.
With their sacred manuscript they wondered around denouncing the wisest
elder's manuscript as being false - only the manuscript they were given,
by the supreme being Herself - MUST be followed, otherwise ILLNESS and
FAMINE would result.
The younger ones were confused. Some believed the wisest elder, others
believed the other elders. Soon both sides started calling the other
side EVIL. So EVIL that they must be cast out, even killed, otherwise
ILLNESS and FAMINE would result. Thuseth was started, the first of the:
R E L I G I O U S W A R S
Many of the masses died. Babies heads were smashed against rocks, women
who were pregnent had their fetuses cut out from them, the frail were
bludgeoned to death with rocks.
Out of all the death, destruction, misery, anger, selfrightousness, and
hatred sprang a few enlightened people. They looked into their hearts,
and at all that was around them. They thought, and then they concluded:
R E L I G I O N is B U L L F E C E S
Thuseth, just as they all had once been, they were that once again,
A T H E I S T ' s
(P.S. If you consider that in each valley in Europe, a Pagan religion
started (the same way the wisest of the wise started one), and that
the elders who 'wanted a piece of the action' are the Jewish, and then
Christian, and then Moslem/(Islam?) religions, you get a good depiction
of the history of Europe/North Africa).
(P.P.S. It just occurred to me. 2,000 years ago, Grasshoppers DID
have 4 legs. They have more now because of EVOLUTION. There you
have it - Scientific Evolutionary proof of the validity of the
christian bible - Circular Reasoning at its finest!!)
(P.P.P.S. Use of She/Her as the 'wisest of the wise' is not meant to
depict Women as being dispictable or anything, rather it is meant to
'compliment' Women as being able to be just as dastardly as their Male
counterparts. Plus since, in this story, a Women thought up the whole
thing, it implies that Women are MORE intelligent them Men so don't
flame me for it! I was just trying to be a 'Nice Guy(tm)' (because I am)!
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Definition Of Demons:
Atheists who have come back from the dead to haunt and torment FUNDIES!!!