The following is quoted in its entirety, without permission, from the v8#44 issue of the W

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The following is quoted in its entirety, without permission, from the v8#44 issue of the WEEKLY WORLD NEWS, available now at your local 7-11: REVENGE OF THE GOOFY GURU Motorcycling swami mows down pilgrims Slaphappy swami Khalid Jha barreled his souped-up Harley-Davidson right into a crowd of praying pil- grims--trying to run down a rival guru who claimed he could fly higher than Khalid! Ten terrified worshipers were battered and bruised when the hotheaded holy man, wearing a homemade crash helmet, roared into a mob kneeling at the feet of bearded swami Sunil Pillai. The bizarre incident occurred at a remote mountain retreat in northern India, where the goofy gurus have spouted outrageous claims and counterclaims for months in a battle for control of their tiny religious sect. ``One swami claims he can turn people into dogs and the other says he can turn people into airplanes,'' said journalist K K Seedharan. ``Then one says he can crack 500 coconuts over his head and the other says he can crack 600 coconuts over his head. ``One claims he can walk across five miles of hot coals and the other says he can walk across 10 miles of hot coals. ``They've split the sect into two camps with their silly bickering, but as far as I know no one has ever seen them perform even one of these feats.'' The wacky spat remained relatively peaceful until the day the squabbling swamis fought over who could fly the highest. ``I had just told my followers that God had given me the power to fly over rooftops,'' kooky Khalid recalled. ``That swine Sunil heard me and later in the day I overhead him tell his followers that he could soar as high as any eagle. ``I was enraged. I know he can't fly that high. I got my motorcycle and I was going to run him down. I thought, `Let's see you fly away from this Harley.' ``Unfortunately I couldn't get to him without run- ning over many people and my motorcycle was wrecked. I never did reach Sunil but I made him squeal like a scared pig.'' Shook-up Sunil dashed into a nearby village and asked police to arrest his hot-rodding rival. Cops investigated the incident but so far have taken no action. ``They must do something. That man is a menace,'' Sunil said. ``He hurt all those innocent people and tried to kill me. But I wan't afraid. If he had gotten too close I would have simply flown away.'' ucbvax!brahms!weemba Matthew P Wiener/Brahms Gang/Berkeley CA 94720


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