GOD AND THE EVANGELICAL TWO STEP - ROUND I of light, GOD sits on a bench next to a grassy
GOD AND THE EVANGELICAL TWO STEP - ROUND I
< Scene - The Heavenly Tennis Courts. Surrounded by HIS everpresent nimbus
of light, GOD sits on a bench next to a grassy lawn tennis court,
a bottle of Gatoraid clutched in one hand. HE is dressed in sparkling
tennis whites, a Spaulding racquet held lightly between HIS knees.
Standing next to HIM is HIS everpresent major domo, PETER, who holds
out a towel to the LORD. On the bench next to HIM is an old man with
a full beard, salt and peppered with age wearing nothing but a loin-
cloth. His physique is that of a world class bodybuilder, muscles
ripple in the sunlight. Standing beside him is a beautiful young
woman, raven eyed, golden haired, dressed in a diaphanous gown of
white silk, clutching a wineskin. The older man rises.>
Old Man - "Verily it is now six sets which YOU have bested me at LORD. Still I
cannot tell if YOU have broken a sweat. Mighty is YOUR forehand smash,
I cannot find the strength to return it!"
GOD - "Well, that's pretty high praise coming from the mixed doubles
champion of Olympus. I still think it's all this partying you and your
crowd do that does you in. Speaking of parties though, do you think
you could hold it down a bit? I think the Mormons are becoming
suspicious again. I don't need any of them peeking over the walls,
remember the last time that happened?"
Old Man - "Aye. It took us many days to drive them back to their cloud. Gods!
That was a battle! Ares himself drove into their ranks whilst Hermes
battled that angel on high. What was that angel's name again?
Woman - "Moroni. The Angel Moroni."
GOD - "Yes, Moroni. You needn't have pulled of his wings either. That is
a painful proceedure, regrowing them."
Zeus - "I think that ruffian deserved it, after changing Cerebus into
an aardvark. An unusual animal, to say the least."
GOD - "I admit that it was an unusual shape. It comes from the reading
material Moroni finds amusing. Anyway, about the parties, I don't
need another confrontation between the Olympians and the Mormons.
One in ten thousand years is enough. Please keep the revel at a
managable volume level. Heaven is big enough for everyone to have
their own slice of fun in their own way."
- A flash of light and smell of brimstone suddenly engulf the area
causing the two Olympians and Peter much discomfort. As the smoke
clears a man, well dressed for an evening on the town, perhaps
opera, with dinner to follow can be seen. He is devilishly handsome -
GOD - "Hello SATAN, how are things 'down under'?"
SATAN - "Hello GOD. Sorry to interrupt, but there's been some new developments
in the Roberts case I thought YOU might be interested in."
Zeus - "Vile creature, depart lest I cleave you in twain!"
GOD - "Please Zeus, control yourself. You'd only mess up the court.
- to SATAN - "Roberts? The name sounds familiar. Who is this Roberts
fellow? Some wayward angel perhaps?"
Peter - "Oral Roberts LORD, the evangelist. The one who is trying to raise
the money on the pretext that YOU will 'call him home' if he fails."
GOD - "Ah yes, the evangelist! The one with the death wish. What a funny
fellow! What seems to be the problem SATAN? did he succeed in his
crusade? Or has he finally had himself committed yet?"
SATAN - "Actually he's managed to bilk the money in quite an ingenious
way. Makes me wish he'd been drafted to my team. Well, anyhow there's
another interesting development afoot. Seems there's another evangelist,
a soul by the name of Bakker who could use a helping hand."
Venus - "I knew a Bakker once. Blond hair, tacky dresser, wife who looks like
an advertisement for Avon.....- smile -.....He's a quick one."
SATAN - "Yes, that's the one. He's suffering just a tad since yet another
evangelist by the name of Jerry Fallwell has taken his ministery away
over a...ahemmm, matter of the "heart""
Zeus - "Horned Gargoyle! You obviously had a hand in all this chickanery!"
SATAN - "Look, I don't even know these people! They claim to be on HIS side!"
GOD - to Peter - "What amusing fellows! Are all these people on MY side?"
Peter - wearily - "Yes LORD."
Zeus - "Verily, it sounds as though there is a fox in the henhouse! When I
ruled the world....."
Venus - "No one was safe."
SATAN - smiling an oily smile - "Ah, but those were grand times!"
GOD - "Yes, I'M sure they were. However, what's all this got to do with me?"
SATAN - "Well, the fundamentalist movment seems to be losing a lot of their
creditability with people. It's begining to reflect badly on YOUR
image as a SUPREME DIETY. Of course there are those who believe that
YOU don't exist anyway.....but I digress. Because of all this scandalous
behavior on the part of these people, YOU'RE losing converts!"
GOD - "Yes, I suppose I am. So what?"
SATAN - "SO WHAT? Look, how can I be the supreme example of evil if You allow
this to go on? What's going to happen to me? I can't very well apply for
unemployment now can I? Without a Supreme Good to foil my Supreme Evil,
there isn't any real purpose to my existance!"
Zeus - "If thy existance offend thee....."
GOD - "Well, I'd say you have a pretty big problem on your hands Satan. You
are of course right about the situation. If mankind stops believing in
ME, you're history."
SATAN - "Don't I know it! So something has to be done! Use YOUR powers!"
GOD - "Contrary to popular belief, I don't work that way. You've been doing
business with ME long enough to know that."
Zeus - "Methinks a few heavenly thunderbolts would cease this display of
GOD - "No, that was your shtick. MINE was locusts. Anyway, these things work
themselves out after a time. They'll yell at one another, accuse each
other of everything under the sun, but they'll ultimately get tired
of it all."
SATAN - "Meanwhile We're losing our edge! People are flocking back to the,
(aside to GOD), dare I say it, less effective methods of communication."
GOD - "Satan, you worry far to much. Sure the credibility of any organization
is damaged when it's administration is flaky. But I doubt that these
fellows intentions are to continue to commit clerical suicide."
Zeus - "Zounds, if evey priest were discredited because they reveled too hard,
religion would be no fun!"
GOD - "More importantly, there would be no religion."
SATAN - "But look at the depth of this scandal! Hush money, drugs, sex, back]
taxes owed......it really looks bad this time."
GOD - "Hmmm.....maybe I should take a little vacation. Heritage USA seems
like a nice place. Peter, make reservations at this PTL place. I think
I'D like to look it over first hand. Venus, would you care to accompany
Zeus > "LORD!?!?"
GOD - "Well, if one is to investigate a situation involving certain elements,
one should have a expert in the field. If we're going to be
investigating this, I want an expert along!"
Venus - "Why thank you! I'd be honored!"
GOD - "Well then, let's get packed! I'M sure these people will be impressed!"
- GOD arises as SATAN dissolves into a puddle and disappears. Zeus and
Venus walk to Apollo's flaming chariot and pull away. Peter approaches
the LORD -
Peter - "LORD, not to question YOUR wisdom, but are YOU sure this trip is
GOD - "No, I'M not. But Satan wants me to take a look, you know how
bothersome he can get. Besides, I havn't been down since the making
of that movie by that funny little man, the one that portrayed ME. It
could be an eye opening experience, mingle and find out what the average
opinion is about all this stuff. Besides, there's nothing here that
Michael couldn't oversee for a short time."
Peter - "Very well LORD. Shall I pack YOU'RE bathing suit?"
GOD - "Please. Also the gray suit I think. Also, better pack extra sunscreen
and a toothbrush for Venus, you know how those Olympians forget to brush
after meals. Also....."
......to be continued?...........earthside!
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