To: All Subject: eh?? CONSTANCE CUMBY 'CLEANSED' IN 'HARMONIC CONVERGENCE' SPEAKS THROUGH

---
Master Index Current Directory Index Go to SkepticTank Go to Human Rights activist Keith Henson Go to Scientology cult

Skeptic Tank!

From: Starwyn To: All Subject: eh?? CONSTANCE CUMBY "CLEANSED" IN "HARMONIC CONVERGENCE" SPEAKS THROUGH "TRANCE CHANNEL" Acapulco, Mexico (EPA), June 23, 1993 Spectators in this popular resort area were shocked yesterday when Fundamentalist author Constance Cumby, known for her anti-"New Age" bestsellers "Rainbows from Hell" and "Hidden Dangers of the Care Bears," fell into a crevice filled with molten lava. Ms. Cumby had come to Acapulco to protest what she described as "harmonics and all other forms of humanism" and to organize a demonstration against the planting of crystals here by devotees of "New Age" beliefs. At the time of her death, Ms. Cumby was exhorting her audience to counter the "fiendish influence of rocks" by burying photographs of Nancy Reagan "and other heros of normalcy." She was brandishing what appeared to be a can of deodorant in the direction of the New Age believers when the mysterious crevice opened at Ms. Cumby's feet, swallowing her, several cartons of her books, and a rack displaying plush unicorns and Smurf dolls bearing labels such as "Belial" and "Ashtoreth." Eyewitnesses say that Ms. Cumby screamed "It's the rapture!" immediately before the fissure closed over her with a noise that several of them compared to belching. Ms. Cumby's death stirred controversy in both the New Age encampment and among her followers. "She really did get raptured," insisted Olivetta Beehive, a Milwaukee representative of Mary Kay Cosmetics, "even if she went down instead of up." But a member of the New Age group insisted that Ms. Cumby had not been raptured but "cleansed." To this claim, Ms. Beehive responded that "She didn't need to get cleansed. She was so clean already." The debate intensified approximately seven hours after Ms. Cumby's accident when one member of the New Age gathering, a self-styled "trance channeler" named Roland Twitchy, began speaking in a voice eerily like that of the late author. "His eyes go all blank. He even LOOKS like Constance," said one woman. In a session in which he assumed the identity of Ms. Cumby, Mr. Twitchy announced that she had become a convert to New Age beliefs. "It has all become clear to me now that I have attained the Fifth Bardo of Utter Mindlessness." Mr. Twitchy/Ms. Cumby attested to the pleasant nature of the afterlife. "It's nicer than Shopko here." The supposedly discorporate writer assured her former friends that all was well. "My guides have initiated me into est... or maybe it was TM." Mr. Twitchy revealed that, in a former life, Ms. Cumby had been a housewife in Atlantis. "My husband and I had a business selling solar heating units. It was just like Amway! It was a pyramid! A PYRAMID!! That's not a coincidence, you know." Since those early sessions, confusion has spread as several other people in Mexico have begun speaking in the voice of Constance Cumby. Mr. Twitchy says he will apply for a copyright.

---

E-Mail Fredric L. Rice / The Skeptic Tank