CONSTANCE CUMBY "CLEANSED" IN "HARMONIC CONVERGENCE"
SPEAKS THROUGH "TRANCE CHANNEL"
Acapulco, Mexico (EPA), June 23, 1993
Spectators in this popular resort area were shocked yesterday when
Fundamentalist author Constance Cumby, known for her anti-"New Age"
bestsellers "Rainbows from Hell" and "Hidden Dangers of the Care
Bears," fell into a crevice filled with molten lava.
Ms. Cumby had come to Acapulco to protest what she described as
"harmonics and all other forms of humanism" and to organize a
demonstration against the planting of crystals here by devotees
of "New Age" beliefs. At the time of her death, Ms. Cumby was
exhorting her audience to counter the "fiendish influence of rocks"
by burying photographs of Nancy Reagan "and other heros of normalcy."
She was brandishing what appeared to be a can of deodorant in the
direction of the New Age believers when the mysterious crevice opened
at Ms. Cumby's feet, swallowing her, several cartons of her books,
and a rack displaying plush unicorns and Smurf dolls bearing labels
such as "Belial" and "Ashtoreth." Eyewitnesses say that Ms. Cumby
screamed "It's the rapture!" immediately before the fissure closed
over her with a noise that several of them compared to belching.
Ms. Cumby's death stirred controversy in both the New Age encampment
and among her followers.
"She really did get raptured," insisted Olivetta Beehive, a Milwaukee
representative of Mary Kay Cosmetics, "even if she went down instead
of up." But a member of the New Age group insisted that Ms. Cumby had
not been raptured but "cleansed." To this claim, Ms. Beehive
responded that "She didn't need to get cleansed. She was so clean
The debate intensified approximately seven hours after Ms. Cumby's
accident when one member of the New Age gathering, a self-styled
"trance channeler" named Roland Twitchy, began speaking in a voice
eerily like that of the late author.
"His eyes go all blank. He even LOOKS like Constance," said one
In a session in which he assumed the identity of Ms. Cumby, Mr.
Twitchy announced that she had become a convert to New Age beliefs.
"It has all become clear to me now that I have attained the Fifth
Bardo of Utter Mindlessness." Mr. Twitchy/Ms. Cumby attested to
the pleasant nature of the afterlife. "It's nicer than Shopko
here." The supposedly discorporate writer assured her former
friends that all was well. "My guides have initiated me into
est... or maybe it was TM."
Mr. Twitchy revealed that, in a former life, Ms. Cumby had been a
housewife in Atlantis. "My husband and I had a business selling
solar heating units. It was just like Amway! It was a pyramid!
A PYRAMID!! That's not a coincidence, you know."
Since those early sessions, confusion has spread as several other
people in Mexico have begun speaking in the voice of Constance
Cumby. Mr. Twitchy says he will apply for a copyright.