HOSS PEROT BUYS GOD by Bailey Hankins The entire human race was staggered today by the

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HOSS PEROT BUYS GOD by Bailey Hankins The entire human race was staggered today by the announcement that Dallas Billionaire R. Hoss Perot has purchased the Lord GodAlmighty, believed by many to be the creator of the universe, from the people of Israel and other Jews scattered throughout the world. No purchase price was disclosed, but Perot claims he got a "significant discount" for paying cash in a special end-of-the- year sale. "It's always nice to have God on your side," Perot said, "but it's a lot nicer to have him on your payroll." Known throughout the ages as Yahweh, Elohim, and Jehovah, the ancient but still serviceable deity is best remembered for creating the heavens and the earth in only six days, a feat Perot describes as "Pretty darn impressive, especially for someone with no money." Perot, one of the few men in the world who carries his checkbook in a quick draw holster, has courted personal publicity in recent years with a series of costly and ostentatious purchases. Previously acquired in this bizarre buying binge were such novel items as the Magna Carta, General Motors, the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier (to whom Perot claims to be related), and two stone tablets said to contain the original Ten Commandments. Experts say these tablets have come down through the centuries virtually unchanged, except for a few corrections in grammar and punctuation made recently by Perot and a former Texas governor. While believers in Jehovah consider him without beginning or end, many Bible scholars think he may have been created thousands of years ago by nomadic Hebrews from spare parts of older deities. Researchers note that he evolved from the angry, bloodthirsty war god of the Old Testament who ordered mass murders of innocent men, women and children to the gentle, detached, almost wimpy "heavenly father" of the New Testament who advocated peace at any price and advised followers to turn the other cheek when attacked. Jehovah's puzzling lack of involvement in human affairs in recent times led Frederich Nietzsche and other philosophers to speculate about the possibility of his death. Perot was quick to put this theory to rest. "Let me assure that God is alive and well. He's out in my guest house right now, making some changes I suggested in the Bible. If we can come up with a snappier title and punch up the ending, I think we'll have an honest-to-god bestseller on our hands." In addition to the obvious social status associating with owning God, Perot's new relationship is expected to have more practical benefits. "We'll probably take him along when we pitch new accounts. Can you imagine anyone saying 'no' to God? "We'll also be able to offer our employees some great new fringe benefits. Now, they'll have eternal life and everlasting joy to go along with their dental plan and stock options." Perot's latest purchase also gives him sole ownership of the Catholic Church with all its land holdings, physical properties, art treasures, and quaintly-attired personnel. In effect, The Pope and all lesser clergy are now employees of Perot. Perot was quick to assure papal authorities that "You still gotta pass through the eye of the needle before you can play your harp in heaven," he said. "No pass, no play." Perot admitted certain changes will be made in the dress code for male clergy. "No guy on my payroll is coming to work in a skirt or a bathrobe. Those little black pimp hats gotta go, too. From now on priests will be wearing three-piece suits and bow ties like God intended." Since only those organizations affiliated with God will be affected by the sale, the world's Protestant churches will remain untouched. Although he suspects he may be infallible, Perot hotly denies any plans to go to Rome and become Pope. Nor, he said, will he seek to have himself canonized and declared Fourth Person of the Trinity. He also quashed rumors that God would be rented out for weddings, bar mitzvahs, and debutante parties. He did admit, however, that arrangements might be possible for zoning hearings. Insiders say Israeli officials are still chuckling over their deal with Perot. They had been quietly attempting over several years to unload a deity who had become more of a liability than an asset. When a discount of fifteen percent failed to attract a buyer, another ten percent was deducted. "We're just not big enough to support that kind of God anymore," a government spokesman said. "All he ever did was call for sacrifices, sacrifices, sacrifices. Burnt offerings, yet! You got any idea what the smelly smoke does to air quality in a place like Tel Aviv?" Reprinted fro M-Aura, North Texas Mensa, Sandra Blaydes, Editrixie

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