HOSS PEROT BUYS GOD by Bailey Hankins
The entire human race was staggered today by the announcement that Dallas
Billionaire R. Hoss Perot has purchased the Lord GodAlmighty, believed by many
to be the creator of the universe, from the people of Israel and other Jews
scattered throughout the world.
No purchase price was disclosed, but Perot claims he got a "significant
discount" for paying cash in a special end-of-the- year sale.
"It's always nice to have God on your side," Perot said, "but it's a lot
nicer to have him on your payroll."
Known throughout the ages as Yahweh, Elohim, and Jehovah, the ancient but
still serviceable deity is best remembered for creating the heavens and the
earth in only six days, a feat Perot describes as "Pretty darn impressive,
especially for someone with no money."
Perot, one of the few men in the world who carries his checkbook in a
quick draw holster, has courted personal publicity in recent years with a
series of costly and ostentatious purchases. Previously acquired in this
bizarre buying binge were such novel items as the Magna Carta, General Motors,
the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier (to whom Perot claims to be related), and two
stone tablets said to contain the original Ten Commandments. Experts say these
tablets have come down through the centuries virtually unchanged, except for a
few corrections in grammar and punctuation made recently by Perot and
a former Texas governor.
While believers in Jehovah consider him without beginning or end, many
Bible scholars think he may have been created thousands of years ago by
nomadic Hebrews from spare parts of older deities. Researchers note that he
evolved from the angry, bloodthirsty war god of the Old Testament who ordered
mass murders of innocent men, women and children to the gentle, detached,
almost wimpy "heavenly father" of the New Testament who advocated peace at any
price and advised followers to turn the other cheek when attacked.
Jehovah's puzzling lack of involvement in human affairs in recent times
led Frederich Nietzsche and other philosophers to speculate about the
possibility of his death. Perot was quick to put this theory to rest. "Let me
assure that God is alive and well. He's out in my guest house right now,
making some changes I suggested in the Bible. If we can come up with a
snappier title and punch up the ending, I think we'll have an honest-to-god
bestseller on our hands."
In addition to the obvious social status associating with owning God, Perot's
new relationship is expected to have more practical benefits. "We'll probably
take him along when we pitch new accounts. Can you imagine anyone saying 'no'
"We'll also be able to offer our employees some great new fringe
benefits. Now, they'll have eternal life and everlasting joy to go along with
their dental plan and stock options."
Perot's latest purchase also gives him sole ownership of the Catholic
Church with all its land holdings, physical properties, art treasures, and
quaintly-attired personnel. In effect, The Pope and all lesser clergy are now
employees of Perot. Perot was quick to assure papal authorities that "You
still gotta pass through the eye of the needle before you can play your harp
in heaven," he said. "No pass, no play."
Perot admitted certain changes will be made in the dress code for male
clergy. "No guy on my payroll is coming to work in a skirt or a bathrobe.
Those little black pimp hats gotta go, too. From now on priests will be
wearing three-piece suits and bow ties like God intended."
Since only those organizations affiliated with God will be affected by
the sale, the world's Protestant churches will remain untouched.
Although he suspects he may be infallible, Perot hotly denies any plans
to go to Rome and become Pope. Nor, he said, will he seek to have himself
canonized and declared Fourth Person of the Trinity. He also quashed rumors
that God would be rented out for weddings, bar mitzvahs, and debutante
parties. He did admit, however, that arrangements might be possible for
Insiders say Israeli officials are still chuckling over their deal with Perot.
They had been quietly attempting over several years to unload a deity who had
become more of a liability than an asset. When a discount of fifteen percent
failed to attract a buyer, another ten percent was deducted.
"We're just not big enough to support that kind of God anymore," a
government spokesman said. "All he ever did was call for sacrifices,
sacrifices, sacrifices. Burnt offerings, yet! You got any idea what the
smelly smoke does to air quality in a place like Tel Aviv?"
Reprinted fro M-Aura, North Texas Mensa, Sandra Blaydes, Editrixie