To: All Msg #51, Feb-04-93 05:41PM Subject: Pain-i

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From: Robert Beauchaine To: All Msg #51, Feb-04-93 05:41PM Subject: Pain-in-the-assometer Organization: Tektronix Inc., Beaverton, Or. From: bobbe@vice.ICO.TEK.COM (Robert Beauchaine) Message-ID: <11294@vice.ico.tek.com> Newsgroups: alt.atheism Rather than continue the pointless debating of obnoxious jerks on alt.atheism, I have concocted a template for a completely objective analysis of certain types of posters on this group. I will trot it out whenever I decree that someone has disturbed our otherwise placid world and I have neither the time nor the inclination to properly flame them, deserved or not. This metric is not intended to in any way replace Simon's Wanker of the Week award, which I heartily endorse. ==================================================================== Official Alt.atheism Pain-in-the-assometer Award. Do you qualify as a world class Alt.atheism pain in the ass? Do you post nonsense, insult people you've never met, drool on your keyboard, or masturbate at the thought of being flamed by the members of a.a? If you can answer yes to any of the above questions, you too may qualify as a true AAPASS. To know if you have what it takes to stand out among your peers, take the following exam, fashioned in the time honored tradition of Cosmopolitan's "Is your sex life truly satisfying" genre. If you're not sure of your qualifications, just post a couple of messages to a.a strutting your stuff. I'll be sure to respond in due time to inform you of your score. Category 1: General Netiquette Newbie problems: A. Has read the FAQ......................+5 B. Knows what the FAQ is.................+2 C. Can say FAQ, even haltingly...........+1 D. Read the FAQ and proclaimed it "irrelevant and useless"..............-2 D. Wouldn't know the FAQ if it jumped up and slapped him in the face with it's butt cheeks...........................-5 Posting habits: A. Trims articles appropriately..........+5 B. Trims articles until no one can even glean context from what's left.........0 C. Leaves 500 line post intact to attach a one line incomplete sentence at the bottom.........................-5 Arguing tactics: A. Restricts replies to salient points posted by peers.......................+5 B. Answers questions posed, but rambles into unrelated and irrelevant material in midstream..........................+2 C. Replies to what (s)he thought was the question, but in reality has no clue. Still congenial, though...............+1 D. Thinks a circular argument is about geometry...............................0 E. Redefines the words atheist, agnostic, belief, or Christian to suit argument.-2 F. Calls his opponent "spoo breath" at regular intervals.....................-3 G. Locks his flame thrower on full auto while adopting a sheepish grin and feigning apologies....................-5 Grammar: (This category must be administered carefully, especially with non-indigent english speakers). A. Composes complete paragraphs and sentences with only occassional typos and allowed mispellings..............+5 B. All of A., but spells atheist as athiest..............................+3 C. Uses the words "Jesus", "God", or "Allah" more then three times in a single paragraph......................0 D. Starts every sentence with the word "And...".............................-1 E. Forgets to capitalise the first letter in a sentence, but always capitalises the "G" in god.......................-3 F. Couldn't pass an extrance exam to an ESL class............................-5 Overall effect on group: A. Contributes thoughtful articles, which may not be agreed with but are accurate, clear, and concise...................+5 B. Very politely tells us about the merits of following Jesus............+1 (OK, I'm a softy). C. Posts topics starting with the line " Don't atheists..."..................0 D. Impolitely tells us about the merits of following Jesus............-3 F. Creates a fire storm roughly equivalent to the burning of Dresden every time (s)he opens his(her) mouth...........-5 H. Misc A. Admits defeat when properly bludgeoned by a blunt argument..................+5 B. Posts the argument from design........0 C. Posts *anything* with the word abortion in it.......................-2 D. Repeats the same argument over again and again, acting as if it hasn't been addressed at all.....................-3 E. Is named Ted Kaldis..................-5 In an effort to standardize scores, only the one choice that most accurately reflects the individual can be selected. Breakdown: 25-30: Obvious free thinker, probably an atheist or at least an agnostic. Probably works a lucrative job or is in the process of being trained for one. Gets laid at least every other day. 15-25: Probably in transition. Likely this person was raised as a theist and is attempting to break free of the bonds of religion. There's still hope. 5-15: Crisis area. This person could swing either way. Huge doses of logic and reality are immediately required. DO EVERYTHING YOU CAN TO HELP THIS PERSON. Hit them hard with a couple of Bible contradictions. Hit them hard with a Bible if necessary. Don't give up on them. -5-5: Probably a mainstream Christian (Catholic, Protestant, Mormon, etc). You usually can't win them over to your viewpoint, but they'll remain civil if you keep them on a short leash. -15-5: This person is probably too far gone to help. Don't hesitate to help them pull the plug if they request your aid. In rare cases, people in this group have been know to respond to Thorazine, but will probably never lead a normal productive life. Below -15: Fundamentalist Christian or Muslim. Avoid them like the plague. Flame at will; it provides them with the proper martyr complex guaranteed to send them smugly away given enough time. Whatever you do, do not set up too much mental conflict, as they will likely lose their entire moral code and start sacrificing their children to Satan. ========================================================= And for your entertainment, a couple of sample scores compiled from recent a.a activity. Bill Conner: Newbie problems: D. Read the FAQ and proclaimed it "irrelevant and useless"..............-2 Posting habits: B. Trims articles until no one can even glean context from what's left.........0 Arguing tactics: G. Locks his flame thrower on full auto while adopting a sheepish grin and feigning apologies....................-5 Grammar: A. Composes complete paragraphs and sentences with only occassional typos and allowed mispellings..............+5 Overall effect on group: F. Creates a fire storm roughly equivalent to the burning of Dresden every time (s)he opens his(her) mouth...........-5 H. Misc D. Repeats the same argument over again and again, acting as if it hasn't been addressed at all.....................-3 Raw score: -10 And Bobby Muzander Category 1: General Netiquette Newbie problems: D. Read the FAQ and proclaimed it "irrelevant and useless"..............-2 Posting habits: C. Leaves 500 line post intact to attach a one line incomplete sentence at the bottom.........................-5 Arguing tactics: F. Calls his opponent "spoo breath" at regular intervals.....................-3 Grammar: C. Uses the words "Jesus", "God", or "Allah" more then three times in a single paragraph......................0 Overall effect on group: D. Impolitely tells us about the merits of following Jesus............-3 (Allah, actually, but the two are interchangeable). H. Misc D. Repeats the same argument over again and again, acting as if it hasn't been addressed at all.....................-3 Raw score: -16

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