To: All Msg #206, 26-Aug-93 06:21pm Subject: Twe
From: Jason Rosendale Kill
To: All Msg #206, 26-Aug-93 06:21pm
Subject: Twelve Commandments
Okay, my fine fundamentalist friends. I've helped out your cause immensely
by posting the tenets of scientific creationism, and none of you bastards so
much as thanked me. Now, I've devoted years of my life to uniting all our
modes of dogmatic debate into one, all-encompassing set of rules. I call it
= Twelve Commandmants for Proper Fundamentalist Posting =
1. Make things up and lie whenever neccessary: It's important to make
your lies sound true, so always try to preface your argument with
the word, 'clearly'.
"CLEARLY, you bastards are all members of the Communist party."
2. Be an armchair psychologist: You're a smart person. You've heard of
Freud. You took a psychology course in high school. CLEARLY,
you're qualified to psycho-analyze your opponent.
"Steve, by using the term 'hot-Christ buns' in your message, you are
CLEARLY a racist pig and a child molester."
3. Cross-post your messages: Everyone on the net is just waiting for
the next literary masterpiece to leave your terminal. From AD&D to
A_THEIST to FILK to CHIT-CHAT, they're all holding their breath
until your next message. Therefore, post everywhere! (Except for
private areas, since this would deprive many of your 'fans' from
partaking of your wonderful genius).
4. Conspiracies abound: If everyone's against you, the reason can't
*possibly* be that you're an asshole. There's CLEARLY a conspiracy
against you, and you will be doing the entire net a favor by
exposing the diabolical, Satanic plot for what it is. It should be
noted that virtually ALL sysops are part of this conspiracy so you
should try your hardest to make their lives difficult. De-SysOp them
5. Lawsuit threats: Threatening a lawsuit is always considered to be
in good form. But refer to rule 12 if it starts getting too
"By saying that I've posted to the wrong group, Mr. Rice has CLEARLY
libelled me, slandered me, and sodomized me. Thus, I will see him
6. Force them to document minor claims: They keep asking you for evidence
of the existence of your God and the arrest of the Florida man for praying
in a restaurant, among other things. So, get your well-earned revenge!
Even if Hector states outright that he likes tomato sauce on his pasta,
you should DEMAND documentation. If _Discover_ hasn't written an article
on Hector's pasta preferences, then Hector is obviously lying. And if
Newsweek HAS written the above article, then Newsweek is CLEARLY run by
members of the conspiracy against you, God, and your country (see #4).
7. Use strange references: Link everything that's wrong or "bad" to
atheism and quote chapter and verse from books that exist only in your
imagination. That way, they have no way to check and see if you are
correct or not! Never tell them that your making it up and
encourage them to look for the 'book' in their local library or
'family' bookstore. If they come back and say they can't find it,
tell them you'll loan them a 'copy' and then never send them
anything. Later, if they ask, tell them that you'll post excerpts
in ten days ...
8. Tell 'em how smart you are: Why use intelligent arguments to
convince them that they are immoral and Satanic? All you have to
do is tell them how smart you are and that you know what's BEST for
them! Tell them that you're a doctor, a lawyer, a psychologist, and a
reverend that owns his own church and theme park. Tell them that you
scored an impossible 186 on your I.Q. test! Also, go ahead
and state the scores you've received on every exam since high
school (if any of them were low, then go ahead and add a couple of
zeros to the end of the score).
"I got an 800 on my SATs, LSATs, GREs, MCATs, and I'm telling you,
George Washinton was a minister with the Assemblies of God.
9. Accuse your opponent of censorship. It is your right as an American
citizen to post whatever the hell you want to in the net (as
guaranteed by the 37th Amendment, I think). Anyone who tries to
limit your cross-posting or move one of your messages to Netmail is
either a communist, a fascist, or both. (this also applies to those
annoying "moderators" that seem to be in some echos).
10. Doubt their existence: You've never actually seen your opponent,
have you? And since you're the center of the universe, you should
have seen them by now, shouldn't you? Therefore, THEY DON'T EXIST!
Tell them it is CLEARLY obvious that they are simply manifestations
of demonic spirits. If they continue to claim that they aren't
demons, then demand documentation (see rule 6).
11. Lie, cheat, steal, and burn any book or citizen that doesn't contain
biblical quotes. It's okay to do these things in the name of
'goodness' and morality.
12. When in doubt, ramble: If you forget the other 11 rules, remember
this one. At some point during your wonderful career as a rabid
fundamentalist you will undoubtedly end up in a posting war with
someone who is better than you. This person will expose your lies,
tear apart your arguments, and generally make you look like an idiot.
At this point, you should immediately attempt to change the subject by
insulting the person relentlessly, or posting 86 continuous messages
in which you quote annoying songs by Jane's Addiciton.
--- GEcho 1.01+
* Origin: Far Point Enclave (316)721-8117 | USR DS/HST (1:291/16.0)
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