To: All Msg #206, 26-Aug-93 06:21pm Subject: Twe

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From: Jason Rosendale Kill To: All Msg #206, 26-Aug-93 06:21pm Subject: Twelve Commandments Okay, my fine fundamentalist friends. I've helped out your cause immensely by posting the tenets of scientific creationism, and none of you bastards so much as thanked me. Now, I've devoted years of my life to uniting all our modes of dogmatic debate into one, all-encompassing set of rules. I call it : = Twelve Commandmants for Proper Fundamentalist Posting = 1. Make things up and lie whenever neccessary: It's important to make your lies sound true, so always try to preface your argument with the word, 'clearly'. "CLEARLY, you bastards are all members of the Communist party." 2. Be an armchair psychologist: You're a smart person. You've heard of Freud. You took a psychology course in high school. CLEARLY, you're qualified to psycho-analyze your opponent. "Steve, by using the term 'hot-Christ buns' in your message, you are CLEARLY a racist pig and a child molester." 3. Cross-post your messages: Everyone on the net is just waiting for the next literary masterpiece to leave your terminal. From AD&D to A_THEIST to FILK to CHIT-CHAT, they're all holding their breath until your next message. Therefore, post everywhere! (Except for private areas, since this would deprive many of your 'fans' from partaking of your wonderful genius). 4. Conspiracies abound: If everyone's against you, the reason can't *possibly* be that you're an asshole. There's CLEARLY a conspiracy against you, and you will be doing the entire net a favor by exposing the diabolical, Satanic plot for what it is. It should be noted that virtually ALL sysops are part of this conspiracy so you should try your hardest to make their lives difficult. De-SysOp them if necessary. 5. Lawsuit threats: Threatening a lawsuit is always considered to be in good form. But refer to rule 12 if it starts getting too serious. "By saying that I've posted to the wrong group, Mr. Rice has CLEARLY libelled me, slandered me, and sodomized me. Thus, I will see him in court!" 6. Force them to document minor claims: They keep asking you for evidence of the existence of your God and the arrest of the Florida man for praying in a restaurant, among other things. So, get your well-earned revenge! Even if Hector states outright that he likes tomato sauce on his pasta, you should DEMAND documentation. If _Discover_ hasn't written an article on Hector's pasta preferences, then Hector is obviously lying. And if Newsweek HAS written the above article, then Newsweek is CLEARLY run by members of the conspiracy against you, God, and your country (see #4). 7. Use strange references: Link everything that's wrong or "bad" to atheism and quote chapter and verse from books that exist only in your imagination. That way, they have no way to check and see if you are correct or not! Never tell them that your making it up and encourage them to look for the 'book' in their local library or 'family' bookstore. If they come back and say they can't find it, tell them you'll loan them a 'copy' and then never send them anything. Later, if they ask, tell them that you'll post excerpts in ten days ... 8. Tell 'em how smart you are: Why use intelligent arguments to convince them that they are immoral and Satanic? All you have to do is tell them how smart you are and that you know what's BEST for them! Tell them that you're a doctor, a lawyer, a psychologist, and a reverend that owns his own church and theme park. Tell them that you scored an impossible 186 on your I.Q. test! Also, go ahead and state the scores you've received on every exam since high school (if any of them were low, then go ahead and add a couple of zeros to the end of the score). "I got an 800 on my SATs, LSATs, GREs, MCATs, and I'm telling you, George Washinton was a minister with the Assemblies of God. 9. Accuse your opponent of censorship. It is your right as an American citizen to post whatever the hell you want to in the net (as guaranteed by the 37th Amendment, I think). Anyone who tries to limit your cross-posting or move one of your messages to Netmail is either a communist, a fascist, or both. (this also applies to those annoying "moderators" that seem to be in some echos). 10. Doubt their existence: You've never actually seen your opponent, have you? And since you're the center of the universe, you should have seen them by now, shouldn't you? Therefore, THEY DON'T EXIST! Tell them it is CLEARLY obvious that they are simply manifestations of demonic spirits. If they continue to claim that they aren't demons, then demand documentation (see rule 6). 11. Lie, cheat, steal, and burn any book or citizen that doesn't contain biblical quotes. It's okay to do these things in the name of 'goodness' and morality. 12. When in doubt, ramble: If you forget the other 11 rules, remember this one. At some point during your wonderful career as a rabid fundamentalist you will undoubtedly end up in a posting war with someone who is better than you. This person will expose your lies, tear apart your arguments, and generally make you look like an idiot. At this point, you should immediately attempt to change the subject by insulting the person relentlessly, or posting 86 continuous messages in which you quote annoying songs by Jane's Addiciton. --- GEcho 1.01+ * Origin: Far Point Enclave (316)721-8117 | USR DS/HST (1:291/16.0)


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