TEST THOSE CHRISTIANS:
A Non-believer's Guide For Testing The True Christian.
There I was busily working at my desk when the interruption occurred.
"Hi, are you Ammond?" "Yeah," I replied. "What can I do for you?" "I'm
Hezikah Brown, and I'd like a couple minutes of your time." Being the nice
guy that I am I agreed to a few minutes. It seems Hezikah is a Born Again
Christian with a mission from God. He told me how he believed that Jesus
was his personal Lord and Savior, how his life had been changed for the
better, how he spoke in tongues and that he heard I was a witch. "The
rumor in the office is that you're a witch." "It's true," I answered. "How
can that be," he retorted. "Don't you know that witches are going to
hell." And off we went...
So what is a non-believer to do today with all these seemingly dizzy
people claiming to be Christians. It seems you meet these people
everywhere. You just can't get away from them. They are in the office,
swinging through the restaurant, on your computer network, cruising the
beach and parading in that crowded john. Just when you get home for a
private, intimate interlude with your lover comes the event stopping knock,
knock of the True Christian. What the hell is a normal sane person to do?
Go crazy, scream, defecate nude on the floor while in full view of the True
Christian? No. We test them. As I presume that like me you are a
non-believer too we can have a little fun.
Jesus says "Beware of false prophets, who come to you in sheep's clothing,
but inwardly are ravening wolves." Matt 7:15
and "Then if any man shall say to you Lo, here is the Christ, or,
Here, believe it not. For there shall arise false Christs and false
prophets and shall show great signs and wonders, so as to lead astray, if
possible, even the very elect." Matt. 24:23-24
John says "Beloved, believe not every spirit, but prove the spirits,
whether they are of God: because many false prophets are gone out into the
world." 1st John 4:1
There are many different types of Christian you know. And they all claim
to be True Christians. How is the non-believer to know which is which?
After all we want the real thing, a True Christian, not a demon from hell
disguised as an angel of light. No Jim Bakkers or Jimmy Swaggarts will do.
We want a real fool for Christ. How do we tell the True Christian from the
disguised demon? The real fool from the money grabbers? We can do that
with a little help. And this help comes from a very unexpected source.
You see these Christian critters have a role model they follow. And they
can't deviate from the model too much and hope to get to the heavenly
entertainment park. Jesus, their role model has stated...
"Therefore by their fruits shall you know them. Not everyone who says to
me Lord, Lord, shall enter into the kingdom of heaven. Many will say to me
in that day Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy by your name and by your name
cast out demons, and by your name do many mighty works? And I will profess
to them, I never knew you. Go away from me you who work evil." Matt
So you can see that not every person who claims to be Christian will make
it to that starry, wonder filled entertainment park they call heaven. True
Christians tell me that only 10 percent of those who claim to be True
Christians are Christians at all. There's just a little rivalry. It seems
they are all in competition with each other for that last 144,000
condos-in-paradise. Now God knows how much real estate He has and how much
it costs. Overpopulation being what it is today He has to oust some.
Otherwise garbage over runs the golden streets, airborne pollution covers
the crystal walls and the sewers back up. Yech!
As our volunteer testee saunters up visually apprise them. Do they look
serious? Are their clothes nice? Do they look like they own property?
Good. We're ready to start, but don't rush. We don't want the testee to
suspect our motives.
Much of the Christian religion is emotional. As the conversation starts
let the testee know just where you stand. You don't want to be duped. You
want to talk to a true Christian. None other than a true Christian will
Ask our testee if they are a Christian? Are they a True Christian? Do
they love Jesus? Is Jesus their Personal Lord and Savior? Yes? Good.
Ask them how much they love Jesus, God and the Holy Spirit. Are they
Spirit filled? Do they display any of the fruits, love, joy, peace,
happiness, etc. of the Spirit as described in Gal. 5:22-23?
Next we have to verify that they believe in the Bible. Without this we
won't have any fun. Ask our volunteer if they believe in the Bible. Do
they believe that it is the Word of God? Is it infallible? Is the Bible
as appropriate for today as it was two thousand years ago? If the answer
is yes, even if not infallible, fun is to be had in short order.
The Money Test
Here's how we start... Our trick is to confront the testee with moral
absolutes and performance tests. Here is the first performance test that
we can enjoy.
"Give to everyone that asketh thee; and from him that taketh away thy
goods ask not again." Luke 6:30
"Give to him that asketh thee, and from him that would borrow of thee turn
not thou away." Matt. 5:42
Luke 6:35 sums it all up...
"But love your enemies, and do them good, and lend never despairing; and
your reward shall be great, and ye shall be Sons of the Most High: for he
is kind toward the unthankful and evil."
True Christians are so fond of moral absolutes that I think we should give
them every opportunity to experience those absolutes as real, upfront and
personal events. In your next testing session, when you hear the True
Christian extolling the Rock of Moral Absolutes upon which they stand, go
for the cash. It has a nice sobering effect that should in the long run
benefit the True Christian.
Ask for their money, all of it. Just ask for their wallet. Have them
show it to you. Any money inside? Good. Ask for it. You don't want
their credit cards. That would be a crime. If there's no money, ask for
an article of clothing. Coats and cloaks are good. How about car keys?
Do they have a big cross with them? Ask for it.
When they refuse have them reread the previous verses, then ask again.
Should they still refuse call them a fraud, for that's exactly what they
are. Just like Jesus send them away into darkness. They aren't a True
Now should they give you everything in their wallet, the cloak on their
back and the cross too, we get to have more fun...
The Swill Test
Next we proceed with more subjective questions. One of their obsessive
traits is to compare their past performance with the actions of those in
the Bible. How is their walk with their Lord? Do they follow Jesus
closely? Do they want to follow more closely? Yes? Good. Now we start
with the serious tests.
In Matthew 10:18 Jesus sends out his True Disciples with the commandments
to "heal the sick, cleanse the lepers, raise the dead and cast out devils."
Take a skeptical attitude about their status as a True Christian. Again
let them know that you want only the real thing. No substitutes will be
"And these signs shall accompany them that believe: in my name they shall
cast out demons, they shall speak with new tongues. They shall take up
serpents and if they drink any deadly thing, it shall in no wise hurt them;
they shall lay their hands on the sick, and they shall recover." Mark
On this you gotta' be a little careful not to let the cat out of the bag.
Ask your friend if they have cast out demons. Do they speak with tongues?
Have they laid their hands on sick persons who were healed?
If so take a bottle from storage prepared especially for the test. It
should be filled with (non)toxic, pukey looking stuff that smells to high
heaven. Urine and excrement should do. Cap the bottle tightly while in
storage. And for heavens sake wrap it in something to hide the mess from
sight. In the Bible read Mark 16:17-18 which says that True Christians can
pick up serpents and drink harmful things without suffering. Ask our
unsuspecting testee to chug the whole bottle. If they object saying "thou
shalt not test God" respond by saying that you are testing them, not God.
God is not around to be tested anyway. If they don't chug-the-jug you can
safely assume they are not a True Christian, only a fraud. Send them away.
A note of warning... Be sure to inform the True Christian the drink is
toxic. Let them pick up the bottle for themselves. If they drink the
potion they take the test of their own free will.
Now some might protest that the last part of Mark is a 'late addition' not
found in the earlier texts. Perhaps they have confessed to you previously
that the Bible is the word of God and is infallible. What happened?
Didn't the believe the Bible? Tell them they aren't a True Christian; they
are frauds. Send them home with their tails between their legs.
As we can readily see it's not healthy to be a True Christian. A True
Christian is equivalent to being a Bibliolater--one who worships the Bible.
Now being a Christian is ok. But being a Bibliolater is a form of mental
illness. And it's great fun to let the Bibliolater know of their problem
when they interrupt your day.
I have about ten other performance tests but the aforementioned are the
most exciting. Please feel free to experiment with Jesus' moral absolutes
and performance tests. You may find some that are just a much fun as
Copyright Dec. 1989. Ammond Shadowcraft
Permission is given to reproduce or retransmitt this article providing the
article is complete, and with the author's name and copyright notice fully
--- SuperBBS 1.17-2 (Eval)
* Origin: John Bobbit Hates To Be Cut Off In Traffic! (1:104/515)