A HOLYSMOKER'S DYSLEXICON
AGNOSTIC: (1.) One who queries the existence of a God(s); (2.) a
ATHEIST: (1.) One who denies the existence of a God(s); (2.) one who
disbelieves the existence of a God(s); (3.) one who doesn't give a flying
fuck either way and spends their time trying to understand reality rather
than illusory hereafters.
ARCHBISHOP: A Christian ecclesiastic of a rank superior to that attained
by Christ - H.L. Mencken
AUDITORIUM: An indoor gathering place where evangelicals of the electronic
media pack their paid audiences to, on cue, nod in agreement, look
evangelical, or exclaim Hallelujah! Much is spoken at great length and
with firm conviction, but little is said. Being a typically family
enterprise, the evangelist is generally accompanied by his googly-eyed
wife, mother-in-law, son, and miscellaneous other progeny who attest to
his devotion to family, motherhood and the Moral Majority. Etymologically,
the word auditorium has mixed roots, AUDIO- derives from the Greek "to
hear", and TORO-, from Spanish meaning "bull".
AWE: A religious precept by which one bows and scrapes in the face of
things not understood.
BIBLE: A classic tome of delightful whimsy written two or three thousand
years ago, somewhere west of Eden, by half-civilized Hebrews and Shebrews.
The opus is a compendium garbed in contorted convolutions, puerile
platitudes, improbable parables, and archaic anachronisms; told and retold
in double re-entry flashback. Much of the text was passed along by word
of mouth or voice-over. But owing to the total recall of these early
near-savages, the sage words of the prophets were preserved verbatim,
without embellishment or exaggeration. And in those days, nobody lied. It
was the first of the genre which depicts harlots as heroines and women as
weak, tempting or irrelevant. Being inerrant, inspired, infallible, and
impossible, everyone now agrees that the Bible is the best guide as how we
should live our lives.
BIGAMIST: (1.) A person who twice gives up liberty in the pursuit of
happiness, (2.) A mistake in companion selection for which the Mormon
Church judges the penalty of trigamy, (3.) A large Italian fog.
BOTANY: The study of the plant kingdom as opposed to animals and
minerals or fundamentalists. Special interest pertains to flowering plants
which Man, in his vanity, believes God created for our pleasure, but were
actually evolved to attract insects and promote effective
cross-fertilization. A particular attention is given to botanical
spontaneous combustion; in the character of burning bushes.
CARTESIAN: Of or pertaining to Rene Descartes, originator of the X, Y, Z
coordinate system of geometry and the timeless dictum "Cogito ergo sum" (I
think, therefore I am). Actually, this later turned out to be a
mistranslation of "Coito ergo sum", but no one gave a fuck.
CENTAUR: An animal of the Bible which is half-man, half-horse; with human
foreparts and a horse-like posterior. Now regarded by most experts as
extinct, although the essence of the centaur is epitomized in the modern
CHICKEN CACCIATORE: An early Italian convert to Christianity, who in A.D.
64 chose not to become leonine lunch in the coliseum of Rome.
CHRISTIAN SCIENCE: A church founded in the late 19'th century by Mary
Baker Eddy; proficient in the curing of imaginary diseases.
CHRISTIANITY: One of several only true religions achieved not by coming to
the faith at the end of a long journey, but rather by standing still.
Christians become so by a lucky accident of birth - being born in the
right place at the right time. Otherwise, Heaven forbid!, one might end up
a Muslim, a Jew, a Sikh, or a Buddhist. To be a member of the correct
subset of Christianity, say Calvinist, one must choose his or her parents
wisely. One does not need to embrace a religion as a religion imprisons
you. All this obviates choice, evaluation and independent inquiry.
CHRONUS NEXUS: The brief, fleeting and instantaneous moment in the history
of a country when the ascending Catholic Church achieves a 51% majority of
the population through miscalculation in the workings of papal roulette,
and just before the achievement of 99 percent Catholic plurality. This
occurred in Italy in 1457, Spain in 1320 and Ireland in 1582. For the USA,
the anticipated date is 1999.
CHURCH: A place in which gentlemen who have never been to Heaven brag
about it to persons who will never get there. - H.L. Mencken
CHURCH OF ENGLAND: A place where an atheist would feel comfortable.
CONVENT: A place of retirement for women who desire leisure to meditate
upon the vice of idleness.
CRYPTOZOOLOGY: The pseudoscience of studying Bigfoot. Paluxy Man, the
Loch Ness Monster, the Abominable Snowman (Yeti) and other things that go
bump in the night. Man is a very small animal and the night is large and
full of mystery.
DARK AGES: A dismal period in human history from 300 to 800 C.E. when
little or nothing much happened, and civilization stagnated. The beginning
of the Dark Ages is synchronous with the establishment of the Christian
Church. Historians agree in a direct relationship, but disagree as to
whether religion was the cause or the effect of the Dark Ages.
DELUGE: An impressive first experiment in baptism which washed away the
sinners as well as the sins of the world.
DREAMER: An evolutionary scientist asking for equal time in the pulpit on
EDEN: A luxuriant garden where the devil experiments with the seeds of new
sins and encourages the growth of stable vices.
ELLIPTICAL WRITING: Writing with equal sense, or lack thereof, when read
forward or backward - or quite possibly sideways. A classical example is
found in the tortured and perplexing writings of Mary Baker Eddy
(1821-1910), the founder of "Christian Science", in which only the spirit
world is real. Her basic propositions were: God is all in all, God is
good, good is mind, God spirit being all, nothing is matter. These basic
axioms Mary Baker Eddy observed may be equally understood if read
backwards. This, she believed, mathematically proved their perfection and
exact correspondence with ultimate truth. Viz: All in all is God, Mind is
good, good is God, Matter is nothing, all being spirit God. Which is
really a fallacy, for the real meaning becomes all too apparent when the
sentences are really read backwards: Lla ni lla si dog, dnim si doog, doog
si dog, rettam si gnihton, lla gnieb tirips dog. (Sung to the tune of
ELLIS' LAW: Named after Dr. Robert Ellis, a psychotherapist. This law
states "Religious indoctrination creates people who are inflexible,
dogmatic, and bigoted. Either religion appeals to the stupid or religion
results in stupid people." Its reality is supported by the inverse
correlation between IQ scores and religiosity. (Ellis, 1964, 1976, 1985,
EVANGELIST: (1.) A bearer of glad tidings assuring us of salvation while
our enemies roast to a nut-brown discomfort in hell - A. Bierce, (2.) A
country bumpkin of the wacko- right turned religious huckster who, draping
the ill- fitting mantle of piety around his shoulders and stomping off on
a witch hunt, ferrets out secular humanists and other miscellaneous
bogeyman. with a primitive view of this world and a hallucinatory view of
the next, he harangues lost sinners in an impassioned and declamatory
style to repent and be born again. Threatening hell-fire and brimstone for
various offences, he is strangely quiet regarding hookers, pornography and
seedy motels in New Orleans.
FAIRY: An angel who has fallen into apostasy and hence given to dancing,
games of chance, trivial pursuit and making fudge.
FAITH: (1.) A belief without evidence in what is postulated by one who
speaks without knowledge of things without parallel - A. Bierce, (2.) a
belief in something known to be false.
FEAR: Phobia, for example: hierophobia (fear of priests), hagiophobia
(fear of the Pope), demonophobia (fear of demons), phasmophobia (fear of
ghosts), pneumatophobia (fear of spirits), uranophobia (fear of heaven),
stygiophobia (fear of hell), agyrophobia (fear of crossing the street),
apeirophobia (fear of infinity), phronemophobia (fear of thinking) and
phobophobia (fear of fear).
FUNDAMENTALIST: (1.) One who finds every word of the Holy Writ to be true,
if not literally, then literally and mystically. When one finds a text
convenient to his argument, it is quotable as ultimate proof, reality
notwithstanding. (2.) A backwoods rustic living amongst the 'coons,
'dillos and magnolias who is functionally illiterate. A boll-weevil
Southerner who believes in biblical literalism and is suffused with
GEOLOGIST: A scientist who walks on water by knowing where the rocks are.
GLOSSALALIA: The gift of tongues. Pious prattle from the pulpit. To babble
unintelligibly with intent to bamboozle. to talk while saying nothing -
and vice versa. to listen only when talking. Commonly practiced by
fundamentalists who, generally speaking, are generally speaking.
GOD: (1.) The Supreme Being, eternal and infinite Spirit, Creator and
Sovereign of the Universe. - Webster's. (2.) A being of more than human
attributes and powers, a deity, especially a male one. - Webster's (3.)
Old-Man-in-the-Sky. - Buonarroti Michalengelo (4.) Nature. - Benedict
Spinoza and Albert Einstein (5.) Not supernatural but ultranatural. Can
only be described in terms yet to be discovered. - Nobel Price (6.) A
Santa Claus for adults. - A. Aaron Aardvark (7.) Hydrogen. - an
astronomers' characterization (8.) Eleventh dimensional De Sitter space. -
cosmologists' definition (9.) The great "I am", all knowing, all seeing,
all acting, all loving, and eternal. Principal, mind, soul, spirit, life,
truth, love, overall and all. - Mary Baker Eddy (10.) Illusory or
nonexistent. - A pragmatists' definition. (11.) Ra (12.) Odin (13.)
Shiva, Vishnu, Zoroaster, ad infinitum. Summary: if you are asked if you
believe in God, perhaps the most confusing answer you can give is "Yes".
GURU: Divines, shamen, deacons, reverends, priests, medicine men,
warlocks, dowsers, jujus, necromancers, sorcerers, dervishes, obeah men,
yogi, voodoos, witches and fools who practice the black arts of
thaumaturgy and omphaloskepsis. They successfully exacerbate curable
disease while puzzling each other.
HARANGUE: Florid oratory with more gusto than decorum by a televangelist
in which the Ultimate Truth is demonstrated by thunderous conviction;
particularly before the altar call and the plate pass.
HEATHEN: A benighted creature who has the folly to worship something he
can see and feel. - A. Bierce
HEAVEN: That never-ever land adjacent to the V, formerly thought to be in
the sky just beyond the Firmament. Modern space research has made this
location dubious so that Heaven is now regarded as being far beyond
HEBREW: A male Jew, as opposed to a She-brew. - A. Bierce
HERETIC: A member of the forum who has agreed, with bad grace, to differ.
HOLY GHOST: (1.) His Indescribable Holiness, (2.) Intentional inexistance
and presence in absence. His Nondescript Holiness.
HOMO SAPIENS: (1.) Man, the wise. (2.) Man, the sap.
HYMNAL: A liturgical songbook for use in a church, cathedral, basilica,
synagogue, masjid, oratory, chantry, or sacarium where words too bizarre,
fanciful, or whimsical to be recited aloud may yet be sung with perfect
HYPERBOLE: A statement so extravagant that it almost rings true. Example:
"Jesus of Nazareth was the greatest scientist to ever trod the globe."
(Mary Baker Eddy). A converse statement is: "The apparition of Karl Marx
on Earth was the Second Coming of the Messiah." V.I. Ulianov
INDEFINITION: De-defining words so that they are intentionally vague,
fuzzy and indefinite. A cardinal sin among scientists, who pride
themselves on being precise, but a virtue among creationists who desire to
confuse rather than elucidate. They term evolution as a religion and a
theory as a guess. And the word God is another example. It is a concept so
broad and inclusive that covers everything in general but nothing in
particular. Creationists downplay language and upgrade the limbic system
at the expense of the cerebral cortex.
INFIDEL: A term of reproach which Christians and Muslims, in their
modesty, agree to apply to each other.
INSTITUTE FOR CREATION RESEARCH (ICR): A thinly disguised fundamentalist
religious bunch which is not an institute, and does no research. They
spend their time floating horsetail reeds in aquaria, finding questions to
their answers and pestering school boards to include their hallucinatory
(and narrowly sectarian) view of religion as science. A more appropriate
name for this group of sadsacks, flubadubs and third rate hobbyists would
be: "The Anti-Science, Anti-Evolution Hysterical Propaganda Front".
JOSS STICKS: Small sticks of incense burned by orientals in their
tomfoolery and in cheap imitation of certain rites of the orthodox
Christian church. - A. Bierce
KAABA STONE: A large stone, said to be a meteorite, worshipped by Muslims
at the sacred Kaaba temple in Mecca. The stone was hurled by the
Archangel Gabriel at the Patriarch Abraham who asked for bread.
LACHRYMA CHRISTI: A Campanian dark golden wine of fruity bouquet with no
particular pedigree but with an amusing pretense. "The tears of Christ, my
boy, the tears of Christ." says Brother Ignatius, savoring a soup‡on.
"'tis a strange name for a wine grown on the slopes of Vesuvius, which is
as near to hell as any living soul can get."
LEGER-DE-MAIN: An emaciated French thaumaturgist who once invited Fata
Morgana to Maxim's for a sumptuous repast of unicorn steak a la truffle,
topped with Flim Flam a la maison.
LLD: An honorary degree granted to superstars of the electronic pulpit who
collect more than $500,000.00 per annum; for example, Jerry Falwell, Oral
Roberts, Pat Robertson, and up until only recently, Jimmy Swaggart.
Originally derived from the British currency usage LLd (now, in American
$$›). To encourage silent collection, without the disturbing tinkling of
coins, the d is now commonly dropped.
MACKEREL SNAPPER: A pejorative name applied to members of a certain
Christian sect (remaining nameless) who formerly were divinely abjured
from eating meat (fish and bunnies excluded) on Fridays. That was declared
unnecessary as it was discovered that God was only kidding.
MAMMON: The God of the world's leading religion. His chief temples are the
towers of Wall Street. - A. Bierce.
MESMERISM: Hypnotism before he wore good clothes, kept a carriage and
asked incredulity out to dinner. A. Bierce
METAPHYSICS: A dash of the supernatural added to physics as offered by a
guru while contemplating his own navel.
MILLENNIUM: The period of ten centuries after the return of Christ in 1996
when the lid is screwed down with all evangelists on the underside.
MIRACLE: (1.) The extremely rare, but extraordinarily common, practice of
suspending physical law, (2.) The bastard child of Faith and Hope which
neither parent can afford to acknowledge.
MOONIES: Followers of a latter day messiah, the Reverend Sun Myung Moon of
the Unification Church, a late entry into the Religion of the Month Club.
Maharishis of this cult skillfully combine the worship of mammon, moolah
and mysticism. Moonies are not to be confused with their curry-scented
brethren the Hare Krishnas with their saffron robes, thongs, tambourines
and Kojak haircuts. Rev. Moon offers the absolute best in false
messiah-ship, heresy and counterfeit theology.
MORAL MAJORITY: The John Birch Society wrapped in the flag of the church.
MORALITY: The theory that every human act must be right or wrong. - H.L.
MORMONISM: The afterclap of Puritanism. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
OCKHAM'S RAZOR: The principle of parsimony or KISS (Keep It Simple,
Stupid) first enunciated in the 13'th century by the Bishop of Ockham who
advised: "Non sunt multiplicanda entia praetor necessitatem (Do not
multiply entities beyond necessity.) The dictum often lops the heads off
of both the arguments and argumenters such as theologians, metaphysicians,
and shamen who prefer pronouncements garbed in garbled complexities.
OMEN: A sure sign that something may happen if nothing does.
ORANG-UTAN: By some authorities regarded as an anthropoid ape (_Pongo
pygmaeus_) but according to natives of Borneo and Sumatra, the Orang is
actually a human who remains speechless to avoid missionaries.
ORTHODOX: A sinful ox, domesticated, imprisoned and enslaved by a
PAPAL BULL: Papal bull.
PARANORMAL: Included under this rubric are: Mesmerism, Clairvoyance,
E.S.P., U.F.O.'s, Loch Ness monsters, telepathy, psychokinesis,
poltergeists, exorcisms, reincarnation, Bermuda Triangles, biblical
prophecies, levitation, horoscopes and Christian Science healings. In
other words, nonsense.
PARTHENOGENESIS: Birth from virgin females without fertilization by a male
spermatozoa. It occurs commonly in certain insects, crustaceans, annelids,
gastropods, and reptiles. In principle, it could happen in mammals and
man. By genetic law, the offspring is always female. Jesus, as a male, is
PASSALORYNCHITE: A member of an early Christian sect who took a vow of
perpetual silence. Unfortunately, they are now virtually extinct in
religious circles, save for a few Trappist Monks. Much to the
consternation of secular society, fundamentalists are definitely
PHILOSOPHER: One who learns less and less about more and more until he
knows nothing about everything. The opposite is the specialist who learns
more and more about less and less until he knows everything about nothing.
Both are in contrast to the fundamentalist; who learns less and less about
less and less until he has to have someone tell them what to believe.
PIETY: Reverence for the Supreme Being based upon his supposed resemblance
PLAIN: A place in Spain where the rain mainly falls. In England, by
contrast, the rain falls everywhere. The rain, it rained on the just/ And
on the unjust fella / But mostly on the just because / The unjust hath the
PRAGMATISM: A philosophy holding that the truth is pre-eminently to be
tested by the practical consequences of belief. The art of the possible as
compared to religion - the belief in the impossible.
PRAYER: A verbal supplication to God soliciting favors since He does not
answer letters not appear for photo opportunities. A classic example of
God's response occurred in 1887 following a 7.2 earthquake in northern
Mexico, just south of the Arizona territory. This event created a fault
scarp 50 km long and 3 m high - the greatest quake ever affecting Arizona.
The terrified peons of the Pueblo de Bavispe poured into the village
church praying for salvation and deliverance. God released another jolt
causing the roof to collapse and dispatched the 42 pious peons to the
stygian nether world. The moral: Beware of praying in the company of
sinners, for "Lo! I am an angry God", Judges 7:13
PREACHER: (1.) A person who thinks twice before saying nothing, (2.) A
preying, praying, prying, purveyor of pious, pasteurized platitudes. A
pompous panderer of parochial pontifications.
PRIEST: A salaried urban witch doctor.
PRIMATE: (1.) The head of a church. In the Anglican Church (The Church of
England) there are two primates - The Archbishop of York, who is the
Primate of England, and the Archbishop of Canterbury, who is the Primate
of All England. (2.) Any of an order of higher mammals, including the
lemurs, tarsiers, monkeys, gibbons, great apes, and Man - and both the
archbishops of Canterbury and York; who have in common with the primate,
the mandrill, the color purple.
PROPHET: One who navigates the sea of knowledge without the charts of
science or the compass of education and ends always by discovering
ultimate truths which somehow eluded the wisdom of the ages.
RATIONALIZATION: A method of logic whereby creationists reach conclusions
of their choice by mixing perplexity with complexity and sprinkling the
spice of conscious mendacity so as to avoid painful revelations.
REACTIONARIES: A group of persons organized to overthrow government, upset
the state or destroy the current culture; for example: the Institute for
REALITY: Any of a number of myths shared by a large number of people.
REVELATION: (1.) The final book of the Holy Writ, commonly ascribed to the
apostle John, but by others to Baron Munchausen or the brothers Grimm.
(2.) A biblical book of riddles which requires for its understanding a
revelation. (3.) The last of the canonical books of the Bible, the
Apocalypse. The Book of revelations reverberates with retribution,
reverie, revival, revocation, revolt, revivification, revulsion and woe.
(4.) The last of some 66 books of the Bible in which St. John the Divine
concealed all he knew. The prophecies and wisdom of the prophets are
divulged in full disagreement.
SABBATH: Sunday, the Holy Day of Rest. Except, if you are a Jew, then it's
Saturday. Except if you are a Muslim, then it's Friday.
SACRILEGE: The blind from which fundamentalists can shoot arrows at
evolutionists accusing them of blasphemy without fear of reprisal by
claiming special privilege.
SCAPEGOAT: In an ancient Jewish ritual, a chief priest on the Day of
Atonement who, for a fee of one goat, laid the sins of penitent upon the
head of a second goat and dispatched the beast to die in the wilderness
(Leviticus 16). An acute shortage of goats ensued so, at the beginning of
the Christian Era, Jesus of Nazareth offered himself as a surrogate; or
surrogoat. The use of various scapegoats, bearing the real or imagined
sins or misdeeds of others has persisted down through the ages. Recently,
the Jews themselves were the unwilling scapegoats of Nazi Germany. To
spare human suffering, theologians have campaigned for once again using
goats, now in plentiful supply, as an addendum to the Geneva Convention.
SCIENTOLOGY: A new "church" founded by L. Ron Hubbard, author of the 1950
book "Dianetics", which explains how to "clear" yourself of "engrams".
Successful praxis of this mythical procedure is attested to by the
realization of a profit of $350 million without the necessity of
Scientology being either a science or an -ology. The term "Dianetics", is
a curious former past imperfect form of the geological term "diagenetics".
Diagenetics refers to the processes whereby unconsolidated sediments are
lithified; i.e., turned into rock. Dianetics, therefore, refers to those
processes whereby previously normal gray matter is turned into rock.
SHAMAN: Sham man.
SOTERIOLOGY: (1.) The study of salvation by belief in the legendary Jesus
Christ. (2.) The science of hygiene. In both definitions, the solution is
to take a bath.
SOUL: A spirit that is claimed to inhabit the more human of human beings
of the genus _Homo_. Entirely non-evidenced and vaporously ethereal, it is
claimed to be of little utility in this life and of great import in the
SUNDAY: The day given over by Americans to wishing that they themselves
were dead and in Heaven, and that their neighbors were dead and in hell. -
SUNDAY SCHOOL: A prison in which children do penance for the evil
conscience of their parents. - H.L. Mencken
TELEOLOGIST: A word juggling mystic who is forever seeing "wisdom" where
there is none and who tries to explain the universe in terms of a
presiding intelligence; curious due to the practitioners very lack of the
TERROR: (1.) Intense, overpowering fear. Anything that instills such fear.
(2.) Violence toward private citizens, public property and political
enemies promoted by a political group to achieve or maintain supremacy.
(3.) An annoying or intolerable pest, a nuisance. Oftimes used in the
phrase "a holy terror".
THEOLOGY: Episcopopagy which begins with assumptions and ends in a fog.
Theology is classified superstition which belongs in the dustbin with
alchemy and astrology. The art of explaining the Unknowable in terms of
things not worth knowing to people with a stupendous capacity to believe
the incredible and impossible.
THEORY: (1.) In creationist usage, something less than a fact - a mere
guess. (2.) In scientific usage, a generally accepted idea supported by a
preponderant body of evidence that describes and predicts conditions in
the natural world. A theory is a statement which elucidates an underlying
pattern of nature, a pattern that makes sense out of a myriad of
observations, is logically consistent, and holds true when tested.
Theories never become facts, they explain a collection of facts. Example:
The Theory of Evolution.
TRINITY: (1.) A bay just south of Corpus Christi, (2.) The Father, Son and
Holy Ghost (the Dad, the Kid and the Spook), where three make one, (3.)
The most sublime mystery of holy religion. In terming it incomprehensible,
one displays an inadequate grasp of theological fundamentals.
WEREWOLF: One of the many disguises of Satan. A werewolf relegated to the
plu-perfect subjunctive. Hence, a wolf that once was, used to be, was
sometimes, or if not, might be.
WINE: A fermented concoction of the Devil, drunk by Christians during
Communion. The beverage of choice in the top three levels of Dante's Hell.
***And here endeth the lesson****
... Religious people believe you haven't lived until you die.